You Are There Part 2

And back to the show...Gabrielle is still under the line of fire. "You mean, you don't love Xena?" Nigel asks, and there's a disturbance heard off screen. Someone yells it's a closed set, and we hear an angry warrior princess's retort, "Closed set, my butt!" Xena crashes in to the studio, knocks over a few stage hands, and holds her hand out to Gabs. "Xena, I was just trying to stop him from telling lies about you." "I know," Xena replies, "let's go." Nigel sees his chance and asks Xena if she's in love with Gabs. "You've got some pair on you, Mister," Xena answers. He tells her he's just doing his job, and she says so is she before she puts the pinch on him. She tells him if he's done his research he'll know he's got thirty seconds to listen to what she has to say. She knows he wants to know if she loves Gabrielle. But she asks him if he loves anyone, his wife, his dog, himself? Anyone? She pokes and prods him during this, pushing his glasses against his face, poking at his nose...all Nigel can do is gasp. Xena concludes with, of course, he can't. None of them can! They've lost the greatest gift the gods ever gave them, and she's going to get it back. She holds up a finger. "That's your story." She releases the pinch, and for some reason Gabrielle grins hugely at this...even as she makes sure Nigel is okay. Xena turns to the camera, and I guess it's her response to Odin's Hulk Hogan challenge, "You hear me, Odin?" she yells. "I'm coming for yaaaaaaa!"

The next scene is the funniest one of the whole episode, for me at least. For some reason seeing Xena and Gabrielle in full costume, walking outside a sound stage having a conversation struck me as hilarious. This dialogue is too funny not to quote in full:

Gabrielle: So what's the plan?
Xena: I'm going after Odin!
G: There's got to more to it than that.
X: Why do you do that?
G: Do what?
X: Ask me to spell out the plan! You think after all these years you could maybe join the dots yourself. (I was laughing VERY hard at this after just reading some ironic posts on one of the mailing lists last night about how Gabrielle seems to never quite aware of what's going on...great timing, guys!)
G: Well, why do I have to drag it out of you? You know, I wish you would show me the pinch. I would force you to share your little "plan" with me. (I put quotes there, because that's what Gabs does with her hands. Her condescending expression during that is hysterical!)
X: No, no, no, you can take the pinch off, but you're not allowed to put the pinch on!
G(grabbing X's arm and whirling her around): Oh, I'm not allowed? Oh that's right, I'm the sidekick. You go ahead, Xena, I'll walk ten paces behind you and your horse!
X: You can walk beside my horse! (insert my gleeful giggling here)
G: That's really big of you, Xena!
X (shaking her head and putting up her hands): Wait, Gabrielle, stop! What's going on? This isn't us!
G: We're saying things that people who love each other would never say.
X: We gotta get love back into the world, Gabrielle, and fast!
G: Right....so what's the plan? (She gives a great big "I just did that to see the fire in your eyes" grin. I want a screen capture of that grin!)

Cut back to the Norse tavern and Nigel is monologuing (is that a real word?) about a world without love. That doesn't seem to be a problem in this tavern, because as Nigel points out, it's the one place in the world where love isn't in short supply. It's a brothel, and Nigel is having a hard time delivering his speech because he is being uh...approached by women, trying to get a piece of his anatomy. The den mother (okay, I know that's not her title, but I'm trying to be genteel here), is giving out numbers to the prospective customers. She tells Nigel they have a special on the Thor's Hammer, or for a bit extra he can have the Ride of the Valkyries. Uh...no, I ain't gonna go there, I'm trying to be genteel, remember? Nigel comments that business is booming, and the woman replies her men know where to come to dock their long boats docked. Uh huh. But her business isn't about love. The less love in her business, the fatter her wallet. Hey, she said it, I didn't! She calls out for number 27, for the Thor's Hammer..."Will make you feel like a god of thunder!" The second the voice yelled back, "Yo! I got 27" I cringed. Sheesh...Ares still hasn't wiped that stuff from his face. Nigel spots him..."The former god of war!". "No, I'm not," Ares responds, sounding very weak. He notices the camera and shouts, "Crap!", taking off. I love Ares character, but so far in this episode, he's just been...embarrassing. Nigel is following him, and we hear Ares shout, "I'm trying to get laid, I'm not a criminal!" as he exits the bordello.

Next we see a mountain cave, that could just as easily be Grindl's or Morloch's cave. Nigel is spelunking, flashlight in hand, whispering to us that a source has contacted them about telling the whole story. It's a feminine voice, and the identity is not revealed in this scene, although anyone who's seen the Ring trilogy will recognize it. It's Grinhilda again, dressed like a Jawa. She tells Nigel he's following the wrong story. Xena's trying to put a god on Olympus, but not the god he thinks. She can't tell him who, and is in great danger if Odin finds out she betrayed him. Nigel tries a different tactic to get her to tell him who the god is, but she tells him it's a waste of time. He wants to know what Xena is doing with Ares, and Grin tells her Xena will play any card to accomplish her task. Nigel presses about Xena wanting to be a god, and Grin tells her Xena doesn't rule the world, "She wants to save it." Hmmm...that's the exact same thing Gabrielle said! Nigel asks her why she believes this. "Because she saved me." She starts to take off, but Nigel begs her to wait, wanting to know where he should go from here. "Follow the love," she says before she is out of sight.

Nigel tells us "follow the love" is a bizarre command in a world seemingly devoid of love. He's standing in a forest again, and behind him is a group of people mobbing someone dressed in pink. Looks like Aphrodite is on the scene! He bursts through the people, and touches Aphrodite's shoulder, to get her attention. She whirls on him, "I said keep your mortal meat hooks..." then she notices the camera and starts preening, "Well, hello there!" If the camera was so foreign to Xena and Gabrielle, why does Aphrodite immediately recognize it? Oh, sorry...it's not time for questions yet! Someone else tries to touch Aphrodite, and she punches them, "Get off!", then turns back to cheese for the camera.

Somehow, they got the people away, and Nigel is ready for his one-on-one with Aphrodite. He asks if it's true she lost her mind with Caligula, and Aphrodite tells him it's true, but Xena gave her back her life. But she bemoans the fate of living, growing old, and wrinkled,...and saggy. Nigel wants to know what the people are doing there, but she's more concerned by the tiny line at the corner of her eye. Finally he gets her to talk to him, and she tells him the mortals have squandered or spurned all the love that's left in the world. It's all gone. The love has slipped through the mortal's fingers except for the few people who are there, trying to get the last bits of love clinging to her. There is nothing she can do as a mortal. Her powers are tied to Olympus and Xena made sure she couldn't get back to it.

Nigel repeats "Xena", and then he's leading Aphrodite through what looks like a wartorn battlefield. There's snow all over the place. You know, Aphrodite should really look out of place in her nightie, but she doesn't. Gabs and Beowulf are taking cover behind a rock, watching Valhala intently. Gabrielle is irritated to see Nigel, but when she sees Aphrodite behind her, she smiles and gives her a hug. Nigel wants to know where Xena is, and Gabs pushes at him telling him to get lost. He asks again, and Gabs says "You just missed her." I guess Beo is tired of the chatter because he tells Nigel, "She's gone in to face Odin, alone..." Nigel wants to know if Xena is going to kill him, but Gabs tells him Xena doesn't have the power to kill gods, not anymore. So much for keeping that a secret! Thunder sounds, and lightning flashes, we hear Xena's wicked battle laugh and a "yah!" and a male grunt. Gabrielle looks on worried...."But Odin can kill her."

Question time...Why, oh, why would Gabrielle agree to do another interview? I know she wanted to tell Nigel the truth, but she knew this guy was relentless! Why did I find the conversation outside the studio so funny? If they hadn't ended with "something's wrong", I'm sure I wouldn't have, but it was great! Why did Grinhilda come forward to talk to Nigel? It sounded like she was trying to help Xena, when in the teaser she was fighting with all her might to keep Xena from Valhala. Well, that one is actually answered in the final segment, but at the time, I couldn't figure it out. Why paint Ares in such a terrible portrait, looking like an uncouth slob? Sad...very sad. Why did Aphrodite follow Nigel to Valhala? Okay, we'll find that out too, if you haven't already figured it out. Why is Beowulf completely wasted in this episode? Why do we not get to see a real fight scene in this episode?

The unseen battle rages on, and Xena and Odin are making a lot of noise. The chakram sound whirrs and swords clank. Nigel drones on and on. Finally, Aphrodite turns to Gabrielle, "Gabrielle, I have to say I'm glad to see you're still traveling with Xena. I was afraid that with me away from Olympus, you two might not be so close." "No, we're still partners," Gabrielle responds. Good, she's over that sidekick thing! Nigel reminds us once again, while Xena is there to get the golden apples. But if she succeeds, who will she bestow them upon?

The sounds quiet, and Nigel tells us something might be happening. Beowulf stands (why is he here, anyway?). "The day may be decided," he says. Gabrielle stands beside him, and we see Xena has won, as she prods Odin out of Valhala, kicking him in the seat of his pants, the golden apples firmly in her hand.( hee hee, I was going to say "his" golden apples firmly in her hand, but I thought someone might misinterpret that!) I absolutely adore Gabrielle's faithfulness! "Xena, are you all right?" Xena holds up the apples, "Couldn't be better!" she smiles back. "You've beaten Odin," Beowulf says...hmmm...never would have figured that one out on my own! "Don't rub his nose in it!" Xena calls back. She tells Odin he could have saved himself a lot of trouble if he had just given her the fruit. This is going to sound really strange, but the chakram at her waist looks much bigger than usual! Maybe it's the camera angle...weird. Odin tells her his pain is almost over. He wants her to eat the apple and end this.

Xena finally approaches the waiting group, and Nigel thinks he's got it all figured out. He knows Xena isn't going to eat the apple, to which she responds, "Whyever not?" holding one of the apples to her mouth. Nigel still thinks she's going to give it to Aphrodite to restore love to the world. "Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring love back to the world?" she muses. Nigel grins and Gabrielle, standing behind him, smiles encouragingly. Xena isn't finished," That's a novel and very unselfish idea. No, it's not something the Xena you know would do." Methinks the warrior princess is toying with our investigative journalist! "Well, before," he answers, "I was reporting on the wrong Xena, Xena." Xena eyes him seriously, "Maybe..."

"And maybe not!" I know that voice, and it's Ares again. Thank the gods he's got his war god leathers back on and looks nice and cleaned up! It's about time! You know, the ambrosia always looked like orange jello to me, but I hope whoever put the gold spraypaint on these apples made sure it was non-toxic! Nigel tells Xena she can't restore Ares power, but Xena and Ares are eyeing each other triumphantly. "Now he's telling me what I can't do," Xena whispers, "I think I can" and holds up the apple to Ares' mouth. He takes a big bite and that must be some good eating! "It's juicy," he tells Xena, and she holds it up to her nose, looking at it very hungrily. Ares gets a rush of power, and rolls the invisible dice, sending a fireball into some rocks. Whoo hoo! He's back!! Thank the gods!! He sends another one for good measure.

Nigel knew it...Xena was in it for herself. I wish he would make up his mind! Odin adds, "Of course, she is, you moron! Who wouldn't want to be a god?" Ares tries real hard, pushing the apple to her mouth. "Come on...it's good." Xena really, REALLY takes a long look at the apple. "Don't", Gabrielle says, looking worried. "Hey," Ares says, pointing a finger at Gabs, "there's nothing for you here." He continues with Xena, telling her the "weasel" had some good ideas about her becoming a goddess, them having some kicks. "Wouldn't want you to be alone on Olympus," Xena says, and she continues to stare into Ares eyes, opening her mouth to take a bite. "Xena, don't," Gabrielle says again, and Xena glances at her. I honestly think she wanted to take a bite of the apple. I never would have thought that of her, but in this scene, there wasn't even a hint of a bluff. She was really going to do it, but Gabrielle's look of "you'd better not, or I'm telling...someone" makes her hesitate. "Aphrodite will keep you company," she finally whispers to Ares, and she pitches the apple to Aphrodite, who grins, "Thank you, Xena," before taking a bite. Her love vibes start to flow, sweeping over Nigel, then Gabrielle, then Xena. Now this next thought has got me really fired up. Gabrielle gets a big grin on her face, and it's obvious she's looking at Xena. No problem. But as Xena breaks into her widest, best grin (love that smile!), as far as I can tell, she has not changed positions, and is looking straight ahead... at Ares. Maybe I've read way too much into those few seconds...but I'm just wondering...who was Xena really looking at? Beowulf walks up to Gabs, "It really is good to see you again, Gabrielle," he says, putting a hand on her face and she tells him "You've got that gleam in your eye, Beowulf," with a hand to his shoulder. Aphrodite is beaming, of course, and tells Ares they should leave the mortals to their business. What a surprise...Ares isn't done with Xena. He tries once again to get her to eat an apple, now that she has the power of love. "Think about the possibilities." She's not even tempted this time though. She gives the three remaining apples to Odin and tells him to "keep these someplace safe." "I guess you'd know I'll never stop trying," Ares tells her. Xena gives him a not-too-friendly, and very familiar scowl, "I'd expect nothing less." Aphrodite giggles and pulls Ares along with her as they disappear. Xena kind of shakes her head, and then looks rather morose, by the gods, there are tears in her eyes!

Odin wants to know how Xena breached his defenses when he'd been preparing for her for weeks. She tells him, "I cheated....Had a little help from a friend." She gives him that quirky half grin, and turns to see the long tall Jawa walking along a path on the side of a mountain. Grinhilda turns and reveals she's....Grinhilda. The interview aren't quite over, because now Grin is sitting in Nigel's studio, telling Nigel how Xena saved her. Nigel reminds her how she turned Grin into the creature in the first place, but Grin responds that was a different Xena, "the dark, evil Xena. The real Xena restored my human form, and returned me to Valhala." Nigel says it doesn't make sense for Xena to return Ares to Olympus as the god of war, and now Xena is in the chair. She tells Nigel "you can't have love without hate, peace without violence, and you certainly can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without Ares...It would have thrown the whole world out of balance." Cut back to Grin, telling Nigel it's her people's lust for living that defines them. Xena knew that, so Grin sent Nigel after Aphrodite while she rounded up Ares. Nigel couldn't figure that out. Duh! "You sent me after Aphrodite?" "Follow the love?" Grinhilda smiles back. Nigel just put two and two together and realized she was the voice in the cave. "Xena wanted you out of her hair for a while. She figured she might as well put you to work getting Aphrodite for her." While Nigel lets that soak in, Grin stands. She has to go; Odin is still pretty sore at her.

Next is Eve and her friends. She apologizes to Nigel on all their behalf, and ensures Nigel they're back on the way of love. She and her group hold up uh...homemade whips? I'm sure they have a name which I can't remember, but it's the same thing used to purify Cyane in Sin Trade and Gabrielle in Bitter Suite. "You may flagellate us," Eve tells him. Did she just say something dirty again? How come they didn't bleep that out? Nigel doesn't need to do that. "No we insist," Eve says, and he protests again. "Do it!" she barks, handing him the whip and lowering her head with a smile. Uh...do I want to go there? Nah, I'm not still trying to be genteel or anything, but I'm beginning to wonder if Eve liked it when her mother slugged her last week!

Ares looks very much at home, draped over his throne at Olympus. "Do I think she did it because of how she feels about me?," he queries. "No...I mean, don't get me wrong....sparks (which he demonstrates with his hands), you can see that, right? Right. No, she pretty well did it for the same reason she always does, redeeming herself, her evil past...(now in feminine voice) Oh, I killed so many people, the pain, the pain." Ares gives the universal symbol for uh...polishing your sword during this...I am so glad he is back! His offer was genuine, he has a place for her here. But the place is not the same. He tells "Chuckles" it's over and to cut the filming. The filming continues. A fireball forms in his hand, "Do not make me ZAP YOU!" he barks.

I guess he didn't, because the final scene is here. The scene I will have bad dreams about for a long time to come. Okay, that's being overdramatic (who me? No way!) , but here goes... Xena, Gabrielle, and Nigel are in a tavern. Nigel says he has only one question left...the question Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening. Xena looks a little bored, but Gabrielle, knowing the question, smiles and nods, her head down. "Are you two...lovers?" Nigel asks. Xena looks mildly to Gabrielle who just looks back. I don't think Xena quite got the question..."You're asking...", while Gabrielle gives an abbreviated laugh. "That's right," Nigel continues, "I'm asking are you two...(dramatic pause)...lovers?" Xena is on her feet, with Gabs trying to hold her back. "That's none of your beeswax, Nigel!" Gabrielle reminds Xena, "You just risked everything to bring love back into the world." Xena calms a little and sits back down...."So what?" Gabrielle grins, mischievously. "I think you should answer the question." I agree. Xena, answer the friggin' question! "Oh you do, do you?" she ask Gabs. "Yeah," Gabbers replies. Xena opens her mouth to speak, but Nigel suddenly remembers he's a reporter, and has to set up the statement for the camera...gee...are we stalling here, guys? As he tells us about the world exclusive, there's some interesting interplay between Xena and Gabs. Gabrielle is much amused by all this, and Xena is trying to keep her stoic face in place, but a small smile cracks through as they elbow each other. Finally back to the question...."Gabrielle....Xena....are you two lovers?" Both of them stare at Nigel, then Xena finally says, "You want the truth?" "That's right, the truth..." Nigel confirms.

Okay, get ready to get really, really angry. I did, and watching it again, I'm even more infuriated. "Well, it's like this..." Xena begins saying, and the picture and sound get snowy. We see them again for a brief second, and Xena is saying, "Technically", with a finger in the air, and then the picture fades entirely to static. "Please stand by" and a test pattern screen come up as Nigel shouts, "What? It's dead? The battery? We're telling the world's greatest story and you're telling me the battery is dead? I don't believe this...ah man!" It fades to that annoying beeping sound and Sam and Rob's name.

I was not amused...I don't like being slapped in the face like that, and that's the way I feel. The scene with Gabrielle earlier on was fine...it was just a tease. But for some reason this scene just goes through me like a knife. I told someone I pictured Rob Tapert leaning back in his chair, his fingers intertwined behind his head, thinking what a good chuckle the fans would get from this episode.

I was glad to see Ares and Aphrodite restored, and I did laugh over some of the stuff earlier in the episode, particularly the scene outside the studio, but I certainly didn't chuckle after this scene! The conclusion was like a bad Saturday Night Live skit. And I won't rant over it anymore, because I'm tired of thinking.

Questions for this segment...Why does Nigel change the focus of his documentary so much? Was Xena really that close to taking a bite of the apple? Who is Chuckles and why does Ares hate him so much? What does flagellation have to do with the Way of Love? Why do I let a show get to me as much as XWP does? Well, I will answer that one...because I love the characters so much! I don't blame Lucy and Renee for this abrupt final scene, I blame the Powers That Be. Maybe some viewers will find it funny. Whoops, I'm ranting again, and I just said I wasn't going to do that!

Leave off the final scene, and this episode was clever and fun. I thought Lucy and Renee's performances were dead on the mark, not over-acted , and very much in character. Definitely the best part of the episode for me! I'll be very interested to hear what others think of this episode!

Here's Gary's review for You Are There...

Well,I saw the latest in the budget-cutting department last night. Michael Hurst was good as the interviewer, as good as he was on Hercules.But,that was about it.

I really could not get into the whole premise of this episode.

For instance,why aren't Xena and Gabby astounded seeing people from the future,with cameras,lighting,etc? They don't even ask "What the heck is all that stuff?"

How the interviewer gets to travel everywhere is anybody's guess.Yes,I know;this series is kinda campy,but there are limits. If he had arrived in a time machine,or even used the Chronos Stone that Xena knew about (from Hercules),at least we would have had a believable premise as to how he got there.But NO.

To sum up the episode,love is in short supply because Aphrodite is the goddess of Love,and she needs a jump-start to have the world in a loving mood.Not LUST,as the Madam at the brothel infers,but real love.Ares gratuitous comment of "I came here to get laid...I'm not a criminal" was just unnecessary.

We also see that Xena has to get the Golden Apples from Odin...sort of like the Greek gods' Ambrosia.We never have heard of this before,and we only know of being a Norse god by possessing the Rhine Maidens' gold.Why didn't Xena use that again for good?Was it because it was cursed...she had lost her memory before,and Grinhilda became Grendel,the monster?Maybe it could have been used for good....things change in the Xenaverse.

Anyway,we see Lucifer,Michael,Eve,Odin,and others interviewed...Hurst decides that Xena wants the apples to become a godess. I suspected that they were really for Aphrodite at once.Seeing Ares back on the farm,living as a lazy drunk was unfunny.Too much was lost on a fine actor as Kevin Smith.He was just in Rome last episode,with a small part,but goes back to the farm after that.Why,since he isn't cut out to be a farmer?

Also,the running gag in this ep. is "Are Xena and Gab REALLY lovers?".The ending with the static (so we'll never know) wasn't unexpected.Did anyone really think that RenPics would finally tell all? Gab says earlier "I don't love Xena"...we have heard her say "I love you,Xena" for years....is this said because love via Aphrodite is gone? Didn't Xena love the World in general to go thru this whole exercise to restore love?

I particularly did not like the scene where Gab,Ares,Aphrodite,and Beowulf (who NOW does not love Gab,but DOES again at the end)are crouched behind some rocks,waiting to see the outcome of the battle between Odin and Xena. We see a far-shot of Odin's castle,with a sort of flame coming thru the windows,but we see nothing of the Epic Battle taking place.I thought it silly for Gab to be wearing her "bikini" in the snow,too.What happened to her cold-weather gear?

Finally,we see Xena winning the battle,and repeatedly kicking Odin as they come down the hill,with Xena carrying the Golden Apples.That scene was a poor one,since we really have not seen a god treated like that before...not even Ares or Hades.Besides,since Xena has lost the ability to kill gods,how does she win against the power of a god? She says she "cheated",by getting help from Grinhilda,who was OUTSIDE the castle during the battle.We are not told HOW this happened.

We now know that Greek gods and Norse gods can eat the apples and become gods all over again...sort of like a booster shot. I found that this really didn't work.Xena ALMOST takes a bite of the apple,but Gab stops her. Xena has had other chances of becoming a goddess,so why is she tempted NOW? No answer.

So,Ares and sis go back to Mount Olympus where they will rule,Beowulf loves Gab again,and Odin is going to give Grinhilda a good talking-to.

There are more annoying parts,but the gist is this: Why do this show at all? Why not just resolve what is going to happen with Eve,or even Virgil? How about Gab's sis,Lila? What about Sarah,Lila's daughter? She and Lila were in Who's Gurkhan,and are never seen again.

Give me an old-fashioned episode where warlord butt gets kicked as the main theme...keep it simple.

Remember in Is There A Doctor in the House,where at the end,Gab refers to their future life together as righting wrongs and stopping tyrants? That was the best thing about the show....doing what they do best in an action-adventure series.

Too bad about this episode...it really put me off,and I really didn't see the humor in this at all.In Sickness and In Hell was a riot,and A Day in the Life was the best humorous episode.Ahhhhh....for the good old days.

This episode deserves an "F",if not a zero.

Any questions?

You Are There Part 1
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