“No…”
Gabrielle fought her way to consciousness, and realized Xena was groaning out in her sleep repeatedly. The blonde reached up above her, and pulled the curtains on the window open slightly, so she could see what was happening.
“No…please…no…” The nightmare Xena was in the grips of was causing her to thrash her head back and forth, a look of abject pain on her face.
What took Gabrielle by surprise was how young and vulnerable Xena looked in her sleep just then. The nightmare she was caught up in was obviously taking her back to her childhood.
“Xena…Xena!” Gabrielle gently grasped Xena by her shoulder and tried to shake her awake without upsetting her further.
“No!”
The word was shouted out firmly in the voice Gabrielle was used to from Xena. Gabrielle wasn’t surprised to see Xena’s eyes were opening now, and blinking in the darkness around them.
“It’s okay, Xena,” she said, sitting up. “You were having a bad dream.”
“Yes…” Xena nodded her agreement, and sat up in the bed beside Gabrielle, fighting back shivers that ignored her struggle and wracked her body anyway.
Gabrielle wrapped her arms around Xena’s shoulders and hugged her for a very long time, whispering softly into her ear to help her relax. The journalist told her companion over and over that everything was going to be okay…and that she would always be there to help.
Eventually, Xena grew quiet and she stopped moving altogether. She had laid her head on Gabrielle’s shoulder, allowing the blonde to gently stroke her hair, and letting the woman’s voice sooth her.
“Can you tell me what you were dreaming about, Xena?” Gabrielle asked finally, unable to resist the urge to ask finally.
Xena pulled her head away then, and shook it. “No, Gabrielle,” she said miserably. “Hurts.”
“Hurts…” Gabrielle nodded. “It hurts to think about it, huh?”
“Yes.”
“I understand. But Xena…I know it’s hard to talk about it, but if you do, it will make you feel better, I promise. It always feels better to talk about thing like this.” Gabrielle tried to reinforce what she was saying with an emphatic head shake and the most sincere look she could muster.
Xena understood what Gabrielle was saying, but shook her head skeptically. Although, she knew the little blonde believed what she was saying, she didn’t think it would be that easy.
“Please, Xena?” Gabrielle asked, going for the light touch. “You have to know that I want to help you so much.”
Again, Xena shook her head and Gabrielle was dismayed to see tears welling up in the blue eyes. “Don’t cry, Xena,” she pled, sounding close to tears herself. “I didn’t mean to make you so sad.”
Xena looked as disturbed by the threat of Gabrielle’s tears as Gabrielle had been for her own. She put her arms around her lover and they warmly embraced again. When Xena moved to pull Gabrielle back onto the bed, they immediately began to make themselves comfortable again.
The common position for them to sleep in seemed to be for Xena to lie on her back, with Gabrielle half-draped over her, her head resting just below Xena’s breast.
Now however, Gabrielle laid down first and held her hands out toward Xena. Xena smiled gratefully, and allowed the blonde to pull her into the circle of her arms. With a sigh, she settled her head against Gabrielle’s breast, comforted by the sound of the smaller woman’s steady heartbeat.
“How’s that, Xena?” she asked, wrapping her arms around Xena’s shoulders. “Does that feel nice?”
“Good…” Xena sighed. She curled her arms around Gabrielle’s waist, and skootched up higher, so she could lay her face in the hollow between the smaller woman’s breasts. “Very good…thank you, Gabrielle.”
“You’re welcome, Xena.”
It took only a few minutes, and Gabrielle could feel Xena’s breathing become regular as she fell back asleep.
It took a while longer for Gabrielle to fall asleep, but eventually, she did.
Xena lifted her head after a while to look at Gabrielle who was once again sleeping soundly. She knew she had been deceptive in pretending to fall asleep, and felt bad about it, but also knew it would be impossible for Gabrielle to fall asleep if she knew Xena was still awake. Gabrielle would worry too much, and wouldn’t get any sleep tonight. Xena could do without, but she didn’t want to make Gabrielle do the same thing.
Xena stifled a shiver as the images of the dream flashed before her eyes again. She couldn’t remember everything, but she did remember that day when she had been just a little girl. She had been in the back yard swinging on the swing set she had gotten just a week before on her fifth birthday. She loved to close her eyes and lean way back in the swing, imagining she was flying through the air.
She didn’t recognize the sound when she had first heard it. It was because she had never heard anything even remotely close to her mother’s scrams of panic and horror. When it finally registered that her mother was in trouble, Xena jumped from the swing and ran into the back door.
The scene that was unfolding before her eyes shocked and terrified her, and all Xena could do was stand there and watch helplessly.
It was that feeling of hopelessness that had made Xena finally cry out in her sleep and begin to move in an effort to shake herself into action, either inside or outside the dream world.
By the time the sun had begun to come up, Xena had calmed somewhat and felt sleepiness beginning to overtake her again. She dropped off into an uneasy doze for a couple of hours.
Gabrielle awoke around nine the next morning and was pleasantly surprised to find Xena still asleep. She wiggled out from underneath Xena, and pulled the covers around the dark woman’s neck.
After visiting the bathroom, Gabrielle went to the desk and picked up the phone. She had some planning to do, and this would be as good a time as any to start. She glanced one more time at Xena, then began to dial.
When Xena awoke a little while later, she stretched leisurely and smiled tentatively at Gabrielle, who was still sitting at the desk. “Good morning,” she said, stumbling only a little over the greeting.
“Good morning, Sweetheart,” Gabrielle replied. She shut the book she had been making notes in and closed the distance between her and Xena.
Gabrielle bent over the bed and gave Xena a warm kiss on the lips. “Are you hungry, Xena?”
Xena’s stomach felt as though it was tied in knots. “No,” she answered. She stood up and said, “pee” before disappearing into the bathroom.
When she returned, a couple of minutes later, Gabrielle held out a hand. “Come here, Xena,” she directed softly.
Xena walked over to the desk, and dutifully took both of Gabrielle’s outstretched hands. She bent down and gave Gabrielle a return good morning kiss, then waited patiently to see what the little blonde wanted.
Gabrielle accepted it appreciatively, then said, “I want to talk to you about something, Xena. Sit down.” She tugged gently until the taller woman was sitting at the desk chair, looking up expectantly at her.
Gabrielle took a deep breath. She knew she might have a difficult time ahead of her, but she was going to be as patient as she could as she tried to explain to Xena what was on her mind .
“Xena, I love you very much. I always want to be with you.” Xena nodded that she understood, her eyes glowing with pleasure.
“Most of all…I want us to be happy.”
“Happy,” Xena echoed, nodding.
Gabrielle took another deep breath. “Xena, I don’t think you can truly be happy here in Canada…near the forest. There are too many bad things for you to think about here. I want to take you home to Ohio to live with me. Where you can start a new life. Would you like that?”
Xena looked confused and Gabrielle knew she had lost her. She tried again.
“I want us to go there…Xena. To leave here and go where we can be safe and together. I will help you get used to living in a city, but I know you-“
Gabrielle’s voice trailed off as she realized Xena was shaking her head, looking greatly distressed. “What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Go?” Xena was asking. “Mama say ‘go’…Mama say ‘Xena leave…”
“Oh no,” Gabrielle corrected, understanding what the other woman was trying to express. “I don’t think you get what I mean. I mean we’ll be going together…you and me…Just like we came here together.”
Xena’s head continued to shake and Gabrielle wondered if the other woman was even trying to listen to what she was saying. She knew how stubborn Xena could be at times, and couldn’t help but think this might be one of them
“Can you tell me what’s wrong, Xena? Why don’t you want to leave with me?” she asked finally.
“Why…” Xena repeated the word and let it linger for a minute. She finally said, “Mama…no leave Mama…”
“Mama? I don’t understand Xena, I thought you told me your Mama was gone. That you would never see her again.”
Xena continued to shake her head, looking more frustrated than Gabrielle had ever seen her.
“Xena…see Mama…See?” the dark haired woman cocked her head and looked to Gabrielle to check if she had used the right word and if Gabrielle could understand what she was trying to say..
“See Mama?” Gabrielle repeated, incredulous. “Where Xena? When?”
“Xena…see Mama…night…”
Comprehension finally flooded through Gabrielle. “You dreamed about her,” she said. “You see her at night in your dreams.”
“Yes,” Xena replied. “Dream…Mama say, ‘I love you, Xena.’”
“I’m sure she does, Xena,” Gabrielle replied. “I’m sure your Mama loves you very much. That’s why she wanted to you to leave…She was afraid you would be hurt and didn’t want it to happen.”
“Mama hurt…” Xena was saying sadly. “Bad men hurt Mama…” She imitated hitting motions and Gabrielle was horrified by the violence of the sudden movements. Xena’s voice began to rise in intensity as she continued. She grabbed at her own top and suddenly yanked upward, revealing her breasts to a shocked Gabrielle. “Mama cry…” she said. “Mama say ‘No!’”
Gabrielle continued to watch, speechless. Xena’s hands were roughly mauling her own breasts, and it wasn’t to get a sexual response out of Gabrielle, nor herself. She was obviously demonstrating what she had witnessed happening to her mother all those years ago.
When Xena’s hands stated to move toward the cloth covering her lower half, Gabrielle’s hands reached forward suddenly.
“It’s okay, Xena,” she said gently. “You don’t have to show me anymore. I’ve seen more than enough.”
Xena lowered her hands, staring somberly at Gabrielle.
“Did you just remember this all last night?” Gabrielle asked, and when Xena shrugged, indicating she might not understand, tried again. “Remember…” Gabrielle reiterated. “Did you see all this in your dreams last night?”
Xena nodded, looking miserable
She pointed to the bed. “Mama…bed…Oh Gabrielle!”
This time, Xena couldn’t stop it, and when the tears finally came, Gabrielle took the dark woman into her arms and cried with her, even as she offered comfort. She realized now that Xena had witnessed the rape of her own mother, a sight that no doubt had greatly affected the ways she had escaped to the woods and not sought out anyone to help her. She might not feel she could trust anyone.
For a long time, Xena mourned over what she had witnessed her mother going through. Last night, in her dreams, she had finally seen what she had blocked out for so long. Scenes no daughter…no child…no human should ever have to witness, and now that Xena was finally remembering them again, the emotional pain was too raw for her ignore.
After a while, her tears began to lessen, and then she just continued to let Gabrielle hold her. Gabrielle was stroking her lover’s dark hair again, whispering occasionally to Xena, trying to give her all the comfort that she could.
Finally, Xena pulled away from Gabrielle. She gave Gabrielle a tiny smile. “Thank you,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper.
“No need to thank me,” Gabrielle replied. “I love you, and will always be here for you. Are you going to be all right?”
Xena nodded and after taking a couple of deep breaths, she looked like she really meant it.
Gabrielle waited a couple of minutes, then said, “Can we talk about going to Ohio now, Xena?”
Xena nodded, and then sat on the bed, looking at Gabrielle.
Gabrielle could see the sparkle was gone from her lover’s eyes, but she was bound and determined to bring it back.
“I have a friend named Ginny,” she said, sitting on the bed next to Xena. “You’ll like her very much, I think. And she’ll like you just the way you are, like I do. She’d never try to change you.”
Xena nodded, but didn’t look very sure of herself. Gabrielle noticed this, and tried once again to regear and make Xena understand.
She pointed to the telephone, even though she wasn’t sure if Xena would remember what that particular instrument was for or how it was used. “I called Ginny, and talked to her about you.”
Xena looked a little confused now, and more than a little unhappy, but she continued to listen.
“Oh please, don’t be upset with me,” Gabrielle said, noting the look in Xena’s eye. “I wouldn‘t do it if I didn’t trust Ginny. She’s the only person in the world that I would ask to help.”
Xena didn’t respond, but just continued to sit there quietly.
Gabrielle found the silence of the dark woman to be very disconcerting. “Wait just a second,” she said.
Xena didn’t move , as Gabrielle went to the table and retrieved her backpack. She dug through it, and came up with her wallet. Opening it, she showed something specific to Xena.
“This is Ginny,” she said, letting the blue eyes take in the portrait of her friend.
Xena looked at the photo for several seconds, then back up at Gabrielle. There was no change in her expression.
Gabrielle took the wallet back, and looked for a minute herself. She smiled fondly at her friend.
“You’re going to like Ginny, I know you are, Xena,” Gabrielle continued. “She’s very smart like you are, and since she’s a journalism professor…uh…teacher…I think she’ll be able to help you with your speaking.”
Xena was shaking her head yet again, and now she stood, and walked toward the window. She stood there looking outside.
Gabrielle’s heart sank by watching Xena. She hadn’t thought she had done something wrong by calling Ginny, but now she wasn’t nearly so sure.
“Look, Xena,” she said, getting up to stand beside her. She put a hand on Xena’s unresisting arm. “I doubt if Ginny has left yet. I can call her and tell her not to come up here.,”
Gabrielle’s mind was awhile, wondering what she could do about the situation.
There was no way she would ever try to force Xena into doing something she didn’t want to do. If Xena was dead set against going to Ohio, then they wouldn’t go to Ohio.
So where would they stay? Here? Certainly not hear in the motel, but perhaps here in Canada. Maybe the could get a cabin near the woods. Perhaps Xena would be more comfortable there.
Gabrielle continued to consider that. Her job required her to travel a lot, and it was one of the things she liked best about it, but she had the feeling that would be out of the question at least for a very long time. She couldn’t see herself leaving Xena to take an assignment, and with the reception Xena had given to the Ohio idea, she didn’t see the dark haired woman traveling with her anytime soon.
She knew she had a lot of thinking ahead of her, but Gabrielle decided to do it later. Right now, she was more concerned with Xena’s state of mind, and making sure she was all right.
“If you don’t want to leave, Xena, we don’t have to,” Gabrielle said. “It’s your choice.”
“Choice…” Xena repeated, looking puzzled at Gabrielle.
“Uh huh,” Gabrielle nodded. “It means…that you are the one who says we either stay here, or go someplace else. Do we stay here or leave?”
A few seconds went by, and finally, Xena shrugged. She was beginning to look upset again, but Gabrielle interceded.
“Do you want some time to think about it, Xena?” she asked. “You don’t have to tell me right now whether or not you want to go.”
After a minute, Xena nodded her understanding. “Thank you,” she said gratefully.
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