I still can’t believe it. So many emotions went through me as I laid there alone in the bed the rest of the night, wondering if I had done something wrong or if perhaps Xena’s love for me had suddenly waned.
I was pretty well able to convince myself that neither scenario was the case, for I could see real pain and indecision in her eyes when she suddenly declared she had to leave me. But still…what exactly was going on?
It had been so long since Xena and I had been alone together, and Xena had dove in to me like she was literally starving, bringing me to an extremely intense and satisfying climax. I was just urging her to straddle my face to repay the favor, when she had suddenly seemed to panic, and had left me abruptly to go to Eve.
That had been just a few hours ago. At first I was furious at Xena for running out, then I was confused, then I became just plain saddened. If I had known Xena was going to take off, I would have insisted on making love to her first, for now I was feeling incomplete. My climax had been wonderful for my physical body, but emotionally, I was left wanting. It just wasn’t truly making love for me if I couldn’t bring Xena pleasure.
After tossing and turning for a while, I realized Xena wasn’t going to return tonight. Finally, I dropped into a fitful sleep.
I awoke as the sun was rising, and even though I was still tired, I got up and sat in the rocking chair by the window. I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore…there was too much on my mind.
I pulled open the curtain so I could watch the city stirring to life, but I wasn’t really seeing much. I couldn’t help but think of all the sunrises Xena and I had watched together, often wrapped around each other’s bodies after making love long into the night. I would have given anything to be sharing this one with her right now. Without her, the room felt so cold.
“Hey…”
I hadn’t even heard her enter the room, but my heart soared to hear her hesitant greeting. I swiveled my head to look at her, trying with all my might not to smile just from the sight of her so close to me.
“Hi, Xena,” I finally replied.
She asked me if I slept, and I told her the truth, that I had slept a few hours. I could sense she hadn’t slept much either.
For a few minutes, I debated over speaking what was on my mind. Finally, I did. “I was sort of hoping you’d come back to bed.” .
She paused then replied, “I wanted to, I really did…but…”
“Eve needed you…”
The words hung thick in the room, and I knew I sounded bitchy when I said them. I regretted that at first, then chastised myself for not being more honest with my emotions. With the way I felt right now, I had a right to sound bitchy.
I could see she had heard my tone, and was waiting for an angry response but visibly, Xena calmed herself. I was amazed and taken aback when instead of hurting me with her words, she began telling me a story instead.
Xena wasn’t that much older than myself, but it seemed she had done so much more living in her life. When I figured I had heard everything about her past life, she always had another story to give me some insight in to what made her the complicated, often tormented person she really was. The tale she related to me was one of after she had tried to convert her life to good, not long before she left me, and I found myself caught up in her soft words from the beginning.
The most incredible factor of this story was the desperate and self-destructive emotions she had been undergoing during the time of the story. I had to stop her long enough to ask her if I was understanding correctly. That her guilt and sorrow had really dragged her to the depths that she was considering ending it all. It sunk in like an arrow when she confirmed that it had.
Leave it to Xena to not tell a story without some sex in it. I wanted to smile at that, but held back my expression, as I knew there was a serious message in this story. The fact that a wife and her husband were celebrating their love for each other had to be the parallel between this story and what had happened last night, and my heart felt a slight thrill at that. Xena and I weren’t married to each other in the traditional sense, but our love for each other felt as though we were.
As Xena continued to talk, I saw her eyes soften at the memory of her friend’s son, Jonas, and how he had needed her that night. He had needed the woman so many others feared to slay his nightmares, and in doing so, had helped her slay a few demons of her own. The innocent straightforward love of a child had done that, and I realized how important it had been to my guilt-ridden Warrior Princess. Jonas didn’t care what Xena had done in her past…he only wanted her to help him with what was happening now.
And in doing so, he had helped Xena see people could change. It’s one of the things I had tried to impress upon her when I had gotten to know her, and I see that Jonas had long ago planted the seed that I helped cultivate.
After she finished speaking, I spoke. “I’ve got you…I know what you’re saying.”
“Do you?” she asked, and I nodded. I felt like I had gotten far more from the story than she might have intended, but went for the obvious lesson. “Yes…do you think Eve was feeling that bad last night…that she might have tried to hurt herself?”
She wasn’t sure. But I realized she had felt guilty enjoying our lovemaking when she thought of Eve lying in her own bed afraid. I realized Xena at first had felt she was acting like Ambra in the story, and had felt the need to behave more like her own self, the woman who was available to help soothe the frightened young boy. I felt a tug of warmth in my heart at that thought, but still…in being there for Eve, I couldn’t help feeling she had neglected someone else.
“What?” She asked the single word in the voice that told me she felt irritated, perhaps because I had missed the whole point of her story.
“I understand what you’re saying, Xena…I really do…”
“But…” Again with the single irritated word.
I might have sounded petulant, but I was hurting so bad. I spoke what was on my mind. “But….why you’re so worried about Eve, you’re neglecting us.”
I waited for the explosion that never came. Instead, she eyed me calmly. “I realize you feel that way, and I hate that it has to be like that.”
I don’t know why, but something in her voice wasn’t very convincing. “Do you really, Xena?”
I almost laughed at her expression as she blinked and said, “Huh?”
“Do you really hate it?” I was feeling bitchy again, and I don’t think she had a story this time that would make me feel otherwise.
“Of course, I do!” she shouted. “Gods, Gabrielle, don’t you think I’m dying to really make love with you…to spend the whole night with you in my arms?”
If she was really dying to do that, I felt she would have done it. Xena was a woman of strong sexual impulses, and I wanted to think she was as aroused as I was. No one had the strength to resist that.
I decided to move in for the ultimate challenge. “Oh, I’m sure you feel the physical need, Xena. But…I just wonder…if emotionally…you’re rather spend your time with Eve.”
It was a calculated move on my part, and I immediately realized I had messed up. I was hoping that Xena would take the challenge and prove me wrong…that she would sweep me in her arms and finish what she had started last night. I wanted her aggressive and demanding, showing me that she did desire me as much as I desired her. I held my breath.
“I can’t fucking believe you,” was the snarl I got instead. “You are so ate up with jealousy over my relationship with my daughter. Do you have any idea how childish that sounded?”
By the gods, that hurt. She had shot me down by accusing me of being a child, and I suddenly felt like one, as the tears stung my eyes. I felt the pain of knowing she would always be the number one person in my life, even now, when I realized I was the number two person in hers.
I hated what was happening, but I couldn’t just take this revelation without fighting for the woman I loved. I told her I had taken all I could of being ignored, and my heart sunk even further when she realized it sounded like an ultimatum. I was deathly afraid of agreeing to that, knowing in this case I would lose. I told her the truth. “Something’s gotta give.”
“Well, it sure in Tartarus ain’t gonna be me!” She barked it out, shooting daggers with her eyes, and then left me alone in the room
I wanted to scream after her, beg her not to go. She was running from me, and that told me she was hurting too. Somehow, it gave me a scrap of comfort, knowing she would rather not face me, than continue this argument, but the room was so cold when she left. I buried my face in the bed, and let the sobs overtake me.
It didn’t take long for me to cry myself out. I had been near tears often for days, it seemed, and as the tears flowed, they helped cleanse my thoughts. I wasn’t one to give in to long periods of crying anyway… Eventually, I sat up and hugged Xena’s pillow to me, trying to figure out how I was going to approach her to get this situation worked out.
I don’t know how long I sat there, brooding and thinking, but I was deep in thought when there was an abrupt knock at my door. I glanced in the mirror, and though my eyes were still red and swollen, I looked presentable. Hopefully, it was Xena, and if the truth be known, she couldn’t stand to know she made me cry. Perhaps seeing the after-results would bring out the need in her to comfort me.
“Come in,” I called finally.
There was a pause, and then the door opened. It was Eve, and she didn’t seem surprised to see me there alone.
“Can I talk to you, Gabrielle?” she asked finally.
Did I want to talk to her? I weighed it over in my mind. Standing in the doorway was the cause of all my heart’s pain, the instigator that had taken a beautiful loving relationship and threatened to rip it apart. No, I didn’t really want to talk to her.
And then, when I looked up, I saw the welling eyes, and the way Eve bit at her lower lip in the same unsure manner Xena often did. The look in her eyes was one of near desperation, and I couldn’t keep my attitude hardened.
“Sure,” I said, patting the bed beside me. “Sit down.”
She sat on the bed beside me, her hands folded nervously in her lap. I sat up against the headboard, wishing I had taken the time to make the bed, but it was too late now.
For a minute, Eve continued to look at her entwined fingers, but finally she looked over and gave me a tentative smile. “Xena said she was going for a ride,” she said finally. “She promised she’d be back.”
I let out a relieved breath. I couldn’t help it. As much as it pains me to admit it, I knew Xena wouldn’t lie to her daughter, and I took comfort in that. “Okay, thanks” I said quietly.
She paused again, and looked back at her hands, her thumbs moving erratically. “Gabrielle,” she said slowly, “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
She shrugged. “I know you don’t like me very much, but I don’t feel the same way about you. You’re a wonderful person, and I know you’ve done so much for Xena, and asked for little in return. All you’ve asked for is her love, and I think right now that you don’t feel she’s loving you like she should.”
Whoa…she had said a lot in just a few short sentences. I had a hard time knowing where to begin.
“You think I don’t like you?” I said finally.
She shrugged again, and once again, it struck me that it reminded me so much of Xena. “I’m not stupid, Gabrielle…”
“I don’t think you are…”
“And I’m used to not being liked…” she continued, not letting my interruption deter her. “I don’t like myself a lot. Since I’ve come into your lives, I’ve learned a lot about sacrifice, and I know you’re nice to me because of my mo…Xena.” She had censored herself, but I already knew she was thinking of Xena more and more in the maternal sense.
“That’s not true, Eve,” I said then, not believing I was being forced to admit the truth. “I will admit I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of my own troubles, but I’ve found a lot to admire in you. You’re a very strong woman, and I respect your courage to try to turn your life around.”
“But you don’t have to like me for those things.”
Oh, she WAS smart…like her mother. She had the ability to look beyond the words and see the emotions behind them, and that was disconcerting. “I DO like you, Eve,” I said finally. “I care a lot about you…but…”
“I’m in the way…”
Well, there it was, laid out in front of me in that pointblank manner that I KNOW she had inherited from her mother. Eve’s big gray eyes were focused on mine, and I could see the sincerity there. I gave her a soft smile. “It kind of feels like that sometimes,” I admitted finally.
“I know,” she replied gently. “And it makes me feel terrible. I can’t help needing her, Gabrielle…”
“I know…”I couldn’t believe I had just agreed with her, but deep inside, it was true. It didn’t alleviate my own need for Xena, but I knew what Eve was saying.
As if she was reading my mind again, she spoke again, “But I do realize you need her too. Just like she needs you. I’m not blind to that, Gabrielle, and if possible, it’s making me feel even more guilty needing her, when I’m taking her away from you.”
I sighed. “That seems to be the heart of the trouble….who needs whom the most.”
Eve laughed then, and I realized it was the first time I had ever heard the delightful sound coming from her. “I’ve been thinking ever since Xena left this morning. I could see the pain in her eye as she struggled to do what was right for both of us, and it forced her to get away for a while, so she could figure it out. I want us to figure it out for her while she’s gone.”
I eyed her curiously, wondering why I hadn’t noticed before that Eve was a real person with real feelings. Until now, I had made her out to be some sort of conniving meddler, bent on tearing apart the only home I’d ever had. Maybe…just maybe…I had been off the mark slightly.
We decided to talk over breakfast, and made ourselves comfortable in the dining room of the inn. A few patrons filtered in and out of the room, but nobody bothered us as we huddled in the corner and talked.
I learned a lot about Eve and her life. She grew up not feeling the love of a parent, and had sought out substitutes in the Romans who had raised her from the time she was a small child. Octavius had never lied to her about who her mother was; he had told her she had sacrificed her own life to give Eve a chance to grow up happy and healthy. He would just never elaborate on how or why it had to happen.
I didn’t understand how Eve could go her whole life without knowing the details, and was a little shocked by her response. “I had no memories of any life than that within the realm of Octavius, and never quite believed his story. I was looked on with pity in my younger years, and had been able to pick up on that. I just figured I had been deserted like so many other bastards, and he was too kind to tell me otherwise. It was easy to make myself hate a mother who would desert me, and helped fuel my aggressiveness as I grew older.”
That made sense to me somehow, and helped me realize why Eve had resisted so hard when a beautiful, nearly distraught woman had approached her, claiming to be the mother who had lost her years ago. That woman had never existed in Eve’s mind, so it was impossible that it could be true.
But once Eve had accepted that Xena was her mother, then it became a struggle to learn to be a daughter. She had been responsible for the deaths of so many that she didn’t feel worthy of the kind of love Xena had exhibited toward her, and it was still hard for her to convince herself she deserved it. Now that she finally was feeling that she might be able to turn her life around, she had new guilt stirring from the thoughts that she was ruining Xena’s relationship with me.
It was my turn, I realized. Xena had spent so much time talking with Eve, assuring her of the fact that Eve could convert her life to good, and although I had been beside her for most of it, agreeing with what Xena said, I hadn’t offered a whole lot of insight into just how possible it was.
“Xena speaks how horrible her own actions were in her past,” Eve was saying, “but she doesn’t want to go into specifics over it.. I know how seductive I found it to be when I was conquering others, and I know Xena had gone far beyond my deeds with her own…and was much more successful. I heard all the stories growing up. I could never figure out why such a strong person would let herself become weak and just give all that up-“
I started to speak but she held a hand up, indicating she wasn’t finished. “Until I saw her love for you….and I saw her real strength. It’s easy to bully others and take what you want. But it’s much harder to give of yourself and offer to let someone else take what is given.”
Those words hit me hard. I thought about the implication of them…the fact that Xena had bared her soul to give me herself…and how easily I had been able to take what was offered. I had given her my all too, and should be content in knowing she had accepted it freely. Now she was asking me to share just a little of her with her daughter…and I had been wrapped up in my own selfishness to do that sharing. It hurt to give up even a little bit of her, but surely my love was strong enough to do that!
“She’s a remarkable woman,” I said finally. “The strongest woman I’ve ever known.”
Eve was nodding. “Strong enough to let herself be vulnerable. And I have the feeling she’s caught between us…trying to do the right thing for both of us, and not finding the solution that allows her to do that.”
I agreed. “We are pulling her in opposite directions,” I replied. “We both want the same thing….and instead of working together, we are trying to…”
“Divide and conquer?” Eve asked, with an amused smile. She had grown up in Rome, and knew the phrase well, just as I had by my past experiences.
I laughed. “Yep…that’s what we’ve been doing…”
“And it’s time to stop…”
“Definitely.” I raised my cup of grape juice toward Eve, and she toasted me dutifully.
“Definitely,” she replied, with a conspiratorial grin.
There was one issue still on Eve’s mind however, and no matter how much I talked her through it, I couldn’t help her change her mind. She seemed able to reconcile herself with her killing as Livia, Octavius’s champion, but her killing of Joxer was a different story. Perhaps it was because she knew how much he meant to Xena and myself. If I was honest with myself, I’d have to admit that the fact that she killed my dear friend would always be an issue that I would never be able to settle completely in my mind, no matter how sincerely she apologized and how many good deeds she did.
And now, she wanted me to talk to Virgil, apologizing once again for her actions and begging him to at least consider forgiving her. I know Xena would never approve of my doing that…she would feel that Eve needed to be the one who went to him, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t convince Eve of the same. She kept saying she knew Virgil would listen to me a lot more if she wasn’t anywhere around, and eventually, I had to agree with her. The usually peaceful man understandably let his actions turned violent whenever Eve was around.
When I suggested waiting until Xena had returned and having her go with me, Eve argued against that as well. I couldn’t figure out why at first, and then it began to come to me. She thought if I did this for her, it would show that I really did like her at least a little bit. This wasn’t the sort of thing one would do for someone they hated.
Another time, another place, I might have been offended that she was in essence, asking me to prove myself to her, but not now. I felt the desire to show Eve I did care about her, and in the process, when Xena learned of my actions, she might just realize the same thing.
Finally, I agreed to go, and as Virgil only lived a couple of hours from the inn we were staying in, I decided it would be a good way to occupy my time while Xena was gone. I saddled my horse, and was gone before I could change my mind.
I had plenty to think about as I made the trip to Virgil’s. I thought mainly about the reasons I had agreed to go. There were many of them, although I’m not sure all my motives were as pure as Eve might have thought they were. Yes, a big part of me felt like trying to help Virgil rest easier with what had happened. His anger at Eve and subsequent anger at Eve’s mother could fester until he had totally changed the type of person he was, a generous, loving soul, capable of writing words that inspired great emotion. If I could convince him Eve was going to forever live with a heavy heart as a result of her actions, that might help.
And then, there was the fact that I really did want to help Eve. Despite what Xena thought, what Eve thought, maybe even what I had thought earlier, Eve was trying to make amends for her past deeds, and if I could have a hand in that, I should do so willingly. I kept telling myself I wasn’t doing it to prove anything to Eve, even if that was her motive in asking me, but instead, I was helping out a fellow human.
And yes, there was a part of me who was doing this for Xena. After what had happened this morning, I realized that Xena knew I felt at odds with Eve, and she probably didn’t think it wise to try to persuade us to become friends. By helping Eve in this way, I’d be able to show Xena that Eve and I had become at least tentative friends all on her own. I could only hope.
Virgil wasn’t in the house or barn. There was a loaf of bread laying out on the counter, and I could smell the remnants of a lunch though, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. Thanking Xena silently for her teaching me to track, I soon found that his footsteps led to the river, and it wasn’t long before I saw him sitting at the edge of it, a parchment stretched out across his lap.
The sound of the river masked my approach, and the sky was so overcast, that I didn’t create a shadow as I walked near him. I had to say his name twice, and then he was rolling to his knees, reaching for his sword, obviously startled.
“It’s just me, Virgil,” I said, raising my hands and offering a friendly smile. “I came to see how you were.”
Slowly, his hand relaxed from near his scabbard, but I saw his eyes darting around me. I’m not sure he believed I was alone.
“I promise, there’s no one else,” I told him. I gestured toward the log he was leaning against. “May I sit down, please?”
The smile that covered his features brightened the sunless day. “Please do,” he replied.
Oh gods, I should have seen the signs! I had been pursued so long by Joxer though, I guess, that I had became slightly immune to the attempts to charm me. Technically, Virgil was at least twenty-five years younger than me, but it didn’t seem to discourage him from wanting a closer relationship with me.
It started out innocently enough. Virgil had just returned from visiting Meg and his sister in Athens, and he told me of having to break the news to his mother about what had happened to Joxer. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he spoke, but I could sense that as I had been this morning, he was about cried out over the situation. I patted his shoulder and offered words of comfort until his emotions were in check again.
Eventually they were, and he began to speak of why he had returned home. His father had always wanted them to be in business together, and despite the fact that Virgil had no interest in being in the restaurant business, his horse shoeing skills were sharp enough that people would travel way out here, just to have him take care of their horses. He planed on living the income from that, and at the same time, he could pursue his writing.
“I’ve found many things to inspire my writing as of late,” he said, his voice growing soft and his expression wistful.
“That’s great to hear,” I replied. “Sometimes, out of the greatest tragedies, the greatest inspirations can spring.” It was the truth, as I had experienced in my own life.
He nodded, and I saw his expression soften even further. When his hand reached up to cup my cheek, I swallowed hard, suddenly realizing what was going on. Oh gods…
“I’m not speaking of great tragedies,” he said softly. “I’m speaking of great love.” And then he was leaning in to kiss me.
He nearly succeeded, so caught off guard was I, but it suddenly hit me what was happening, and I was pulling away and on my feet within seconds. “What are you doing?” I asked, even though it was obvious.
He was kneeling on one knee, and reached a hand out toward me. “Gabrielle, I’m trying to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you,” he replied softly.
I stared at him, disbelieving. I never would have come here if I even had a hint this was going to happen, but now I was stuck, with a handsome young man at my feet, smiling gently up at me with a bashful look of desire.
It was lightly sprinkling when I left Virgil’s house a while later. I know I had broken his heart far harder than I had ever hurt Joxer’s, but Virgil was more sensitive, and if I had allowed it, would have been more of a temptation. Not that I was tempted exactly…but his handsome face and firm body were impossible to ignore completely.
He had said he understood why I couldn’t return his love, and was unwilling to try. I didn’t want to go into the details of my relationship with Xena, but I let him know without a doubt that my love belonged to her and no one else. One of Virgil’s more appealing qualities was an innocence he exuded, and even now, I wondered if that innocence included a naiveté as to the kinds of love two women could share.
But he had nodded, and I heard him mumble something like, “My father always said you and Xena could never be separated,” before issuing a long sigh. “I just thought…I was different.”
“You are different,” I replied smiling softly at him. “You are a poet, and you have the heart of someone quite capable of giving a woman incredible love and devotion.” I reached out and touched his cheek gently before withdrawing. “I just don’t happen to be the right woman.”
“That’s where I think you’re wrong,” he replied. We were walking back toward the house and my horse, as I had finally convinced him I had to be heading back.
Before I left, he asked me to wait outside, while he went in the house and retrieved something. I did so, against my better judgment, and he came back out of the house within minutes with a scroll.
“What’s this?” I asked, as he handed it to me.
He shrugged, and then said, “If you ever find a time when your love for Xena is in doubt, or you doubt her love for you, read this. I’ll be waiting.”
I tried to hand the scroll back, but he shook his head at me, and took a step back. “Please, Gabrielle,” he protested. “Please do at least that much for me. I want you to know I will always be here for you.”
I didn’t doubt his sincerity at that moment, but felt relief in the fact that Virgil was very young and had a lifetime of love affairs to look forward to. Instead of fighting him more on the subject, I nodded, and tucked the scroll in my saddlebag. I was on my horse within seconds.
“Virgil, if you truly love me,” I told him, “you’ll try to find it within your heart to try to forgive Eve. I know it’s hard, but the less hatred in your heart, the more love can exist.”
That was fighting slightly dirty, but I was relieved when I saw him give a nod. “I’ll try,” he vowed. “And I’ll never stop loving you.”
How was I to respond to that? Finally, I leaned over, and gave his outstretched hand a squeeze. “I’m honored, Virgil.” With that, I clucked my tongue, and rode off back toward the village I hoped my lover was waiting in.
Nature called halfway back, and after taking care of it, I remembered the scroll Virgil had given me. I had no intention of ever reading it, but couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. I didn’t know how Xena would respond to my having it, but decided for now, at least, I would hide it among my own scrolls and hang on to it.
The rain suddenly began to grow in intensity as I opened up the saddlebag, however, and I quickly disguised the scroll within, before shutting the bag, and racing for the inn. Later, I would hide it better.
Xena hadn’t returned yet when I got back to the inn, but I took comfort in Eve’s words, and decided to believe she’d be back soon. I walked upstairs to our room, and dried myself off quickly, before seeking out Eve in her room.
After knocking, I heard a brief scuffling noise, and then Eve opened the door. She gave me a genuine smile. “Come in..how did it go?”
On the way back to my room, I glanced out the hallway window, and saw the gorgeous sight of my warrior riding slowly into town. The rain had stopped coming down for a while now, and although she looked slightly rumpled, she looked relatively dry. I hurried downstairs so I could be waiting for her.
It was a few minutes later that Xena walked in, and as was customary for her, she slowly scanned around the room. I was so glad to see her, I didn’t even try to hold back from waving.
“Hi,” I said when she approached me and sat down. It sounded lame to me, but I was already feeling myself become tongue-tied.
“Hey,” she drawled, sounding a bit nervous herself.
Everything I had wanted to say to her suddenly escaped me, and we sat there for a minute just grinning like fools. I ordered two meals, and explained to Xena that Eve had asked me to order for her, saying she’d be down in a minute.
After the barmaid had left us alone, I figured we’d lapse into silence again, but she suddenly said, “Gabrielle, I’ve had some time to think.”
“Me too,” I answered, grateful she could get us started.
She told me she hadn’t been putting herself in my shoes, which was ironic because I had been feeling the same thing. I couldn’t help but tease, “That’s because you have bigger feet than I do.”
I had missed hearing her laugh, and cherished the sound of it in my heart, before asking “What did you learn?”
“That I’ve been acting like a real centaur’s ass,” came the surprising response, after a beat.
I know I was still staring at that admission when the barmaid brought our drinks. I waited for her to leave again, before asking, “You were saying?”
She told me she hadn’t been thinking about my feelings in regards to Eve…not trying to realize what I was going through. I wasn’t entirely sure I agreed with that, but wanted to get more of the facts. “And now you have?” I asked.
She paused again thoughtfully. “Yeah, I spent most of today thinking, and it helped me realize how selfish I’ve been. I never stopped to ask you what you thought…I just expected you to go along with me.”
Her words really hit me hard, and I felt like I had been the unreasonable one. I told her what I felt to be the truth, that I should be there for Xena without her having to ask. It was easy enough to think of all the times Xena had been there for me.
I could read her face like an open book. She had obviously rehearsed her speech in her head, and I had pretty well disagreed with everything she said. Her face looked so confused and well, cute….that I had to giggle.
“It’s not that bad, Xena…I just think we’ve both been very sensitive lately, and haven’t been listening to what the other one is saying.”
“I think you’re probably right,” was her response, and that thrilled me to the core. After my long talk with Eve earlier today, and knowing that Xena and I were finally communicating again, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We were holding hands with grins on her faces when Eve joined us, and she didn’t even blink at our positions. Our food arrived a moment later, and I dug in with the biggest appetite I had felt in some time.
Gods, it was wonderful to be pressed against the closed door of our room, Xena’s body leaning into mine as her mouth worked its magic on my own. I groaned, when I caught a fragrance of our combined passion.
I realized I was smelling more than that, though, and the rain water we had both been soaked in hadn’t been enough to erase the scent of a hard day’s ride. Xena stepped back a bit, and we turned in unison to look at the bathtub in the corner of the room, and then each other. The smile we shared indicated we were thinking the same thing.
The bathtub was quite small, and after a brief discussion, I climbed in first. Xena said she’d be right back, and I took the time to relax my nervous stomach. I wasn’t having any doubts that she’d be good to her word.
She was gone only a few minutes, and I was almost done with my bath by the time she returned. I was so comfortable in the warm water though, I hadn’t even bothered to get out of it. “Everything okay?” I asked.
She assured me all was well, and then after locking the door, took off her weapons, then began on her armor.
My eyes were riveted to her magnificent body as she continued to undress, and I finished my bath.
She leaned back against the bed, still dressed in her underclothes, and seemed content to just watch me. Her smile matched mine in its excitement level, and I felt my clit throb under the water, realizing tonight was going to be incredible. There was only one thought nagging at me, and that was what had happened with Virgil today. It occurred to me that Xena need not know about it right away…and I decided then and there to wait until we had totally worked through the Eve thing before laying this one on her.
I had finished with my bath, and was in the process of stepping out of the tub when she arose, and came after me, her intentions clearly evident in her eyes. I laughed that she should at least let me dry off, but was thrilled when she ignored me and threw herself at me, so we fell backwards onto the bed.
It felt marvelous to be in her arms again, knowing she her desire was equal to mine. I could have cried for happiness, but desperately tried to fight back the tears, afraid to ruin the moment.
“Is it okay, Xena?” I felt the need to ask.
When she asked me to clarify, I did. “Are we okay?”
“Yes, we are very okay,” she responded, her voice husky and breathy. “And tonight, I want to show you how sorry I am for treating you so unfairly the last few days.”
Knowing where she was headed with that, I felt like it wasn’t fair for me to let her take the blame for everything. I was certainly not without my own sins. I told her the truth as I saw it, that we were both responsible for what had happened, and a lot of the reason for that was because we just hadn’t been prepared for what had occurred.
I was amazed when she replied to that with a list of names for me…“Oh, my sweet bard…my generous Amazon Queen…the Love of my Life…always the Peacemaker”
As each name rolled off her tongue, I felt a little tingle of warmth shoot through me, and once again, the urge to cry was building. I’m sure she was getting tired of my tears though, so I tried for humor. “Is that a bad thing?”
It got the desired response, as it rendered Xena speechless for a minute, as if she wasn’t sure what I meant. I had to laugh. “Oh, I know you didn’t mean anything bad by any of that. But you left out the part about me being a fantastic cook, a kick-butt warrior…and an unbelievably skilled lover.”
I loved watching the expression on her face as she realized I was putting her on. She teased me right back. “You are all those things,” she said, “On top of being a first-rate actress. Now, if you could just stop spending so many dinars…”
“Yeah, right,” I was laughing again, for we both knew saving money was one of the things I excelled at. Suddenly, I didn’t want to talk anymore, even though I loved the light-hearted banter, and I reached up to touch the hands that were gently touching my face.
Oh yes…it suddenly occurred to me that although it had been wonderful to have Xena touch me last night, that tonight was going to be far more powerful. Xena’s body was shaking against mine, but I don’t know if she would be able to feel it above my own trembling
Her mouth tasted wonderful against mine. I could taste remnants of the port she had drank, but more importantly, I could taste the unique flavor of my love. Our open mouths sucked erotically at the other, and the sounds that filled the air only enflamed me further.
I had so many thoughts running through my brain as to what I wanted us to do that night, but one was overriding. “I want you inside me, Xena. I want you deep inside me.”
She hummed a positive response, not making me feel selfish for making the request I had. As much as I loved being buried deep within her, we both seemed to feel even greater emotions when she was inside me, as though she was a permanent part of my body. Now, there’s a thought!
I was suddenly roused from my line of thinking by the sight of her starting to undress, and I quickly took over that duty. It had been so long, and I was determined to do all of my favorite things.
My fingers felt thick and I had some trouble releasing the wet lacings that held her body, but before long, I had her leathers off, and it took no time to at all to undo her shift. Sometimes, she would tease me by not revealing her whole body at once, but she quickly pulled her breeches off, and was soon laying there as naked as I was.
The sight of her made me so hungry I pulled her in to kiss her some more.
I’m sure we were both feeling the same thing…that after being out of touch so long, that it was going to be impossible to feel each other close enough for a while. While my pussy was crying out to have Xena inside me, she was desperately pulling my body tightly against hers, her breasts burning into mine while her hips thrust forward against my own.
It only took a slight move of my legs on my part, and I was delirious with the sensation of her sodden cunt meeting with mine. It was only after a few minutes of that, when I recognized the furrow of concentration in Xena’s brow. Her orgasm was imminent.
Impossibly, her hips sped up even more, and she was slapping her clit even harder into mine. I was caught up in gazing at the perfection of her features, seeing the joy transcribed on her face and knowing this was going to bring her to her first climax in what seemed like forever. My own clit soared with the knowledge, and the sensations of her own erection smacking against mine.
Her heartfelt moan indicating that she was indeed going to come was the last factor needed to make my own toes curl with the exhilaration of release as well. I thrilled to see her body galvanize against mine, and although I’m sure my orgasm was mild compared to hers, a great feeling of warmth and security swept over me as I came back to awareness.
We were still holding each other tightly, but as my breathing returned to normal, my need rapidly began to build again. I released her, and after a moment, she allowed me to move, so I was lying on my back.
I felt wanton as I spread my legs for her, but she always seemed to approve when I voiced what I desired. “Please, Xena, I want you inside me now,” I told her, surprised at how husky my voice was sounding.
Oh yes…she was going to fulfill my wish. “With what?” she wanted to know, “My fingers…my tongue…a phallus?”
“A phallus…” I answered, then clarified. “The phallus. I want you to strap it on and fuck me hard.” I felt goosebumps rise along my flesh with the excitement my own words caused in me.
Xena immediately turned to get our phallus out of the saddlebag, and the sight of her flexing buttocks made my mouth water. I couldn’t resist leaning in and getting a lick in.
I never would have done it if I had known what the end result was going to be. Xena jerked in response to my mouth on her ass, and her arm sent the saddlebag flying. I heard the sound of some of its contents hitting the floor, and suddenly wished I had taken the time to hide Virgil’s scroll better.
I held my breath as she replaced most of the items, then picked up the scroll that contained Virgil’s work. I let it out in horror when it fell apart in her hands.
Too late, I realized she had caught my expression, and knew she wasn’t supposed to look at what she was holding. My brain raced in an effort to make up an excuse…any excuse to keep her from reading what the scroll said, but it was too late, her eyes were already entranced in reading.
Unsure, unable, impossible,
How do I let her know?
I am frightened of so many things,
My inability, my weakness, my lacking,
Yet, I must speak.
You are, of course, already taken,
Your heart has already been stolen,
Your words promised to someone far more worthy,
Yet I cannot…will not…cast my thoughts aside…
I se us together taking every step,
Sharing far more than just intimacy,
Sharing spirits, souls, our very essences…
Come to me,
Ride with me,
Teach me,
Take me,
For I am yours.
V.
I had no idea what the scroll had contained, and was relieved to see it was only a bit of mush, that hopefully, Xena would ignore. I almost wished I could have read it earlier so I could have told Virgil to stick with his epic poetry….he was no author of love poems.
But now I was waiting on hearing Xena’s response.
“Virgil, huh?” was all she said at first. I nodded. I had no idea how she knew it was him.
“He reminds me so much of his father sometimes,” she commented, and I asked her to clarify.
“He’s in love with you just like Joxer was…and in his own way, he bumbles around, only instead of following you, he writes you.”
Why did I feel my temper rising? “Virgil is very different from Joxer in a lot of ways,” I said finally.
“Oh, I’ll admit he’s a lot better looking,” was her response. “And he’s certainly got a fuckable enough body…but come on, Gabrielle, even you have to admit he’s not the brightest guy to …”
I was stunned by what I was hearing. Why I had expecting to hear her get angry over the thought of Virgil coming on to me, I wasn’t expecting instead for her to insult me in the process. “Xena, why are you picking on Virgil?” was what I said, although a more apt question would have been why was she picking on me?
She told me she wasn’t but I disagreed, telling her there was no reason for talking down concerning him. “Virgil is a wonderful man.”
She restated her opinion, again, telling me that Virgil wasn’t worth the time of day. I let the heat continue to rise, and she asked me when I had gotten the scroll.
Finally I told her the truth, that I had gone to see him earlier that day.
“You did that…why?”
Her tone of voice was accusatory and suspicious. I suddenly realized something. Xena had been laughing and making fun of Virgil, but maybe, just maybe she was belittling him because she was feeling a tad bit threatened by him.
I suddenly had a wicked idea. “Honestly, Xena, I don’t really think you want me to answer that,” I replied, giving a sly smile.
Oh yeah, that remark was right on target. I could veritably see the smoke coming out of her ears. “Why?” she wanted to know.
I just continued to smile. “He wanted to see me.”
She wanted to know if he wanted to see me to give me the scroll, and I responded that was part of the reason. When she demanded to know the rest, I started pacing. I was going to find it difficult to keep up this ruse if I was looking her in the eye.
“Xena, if I tell you the truth, it’s going to get you very upset with me.”
“It’s too fuckin’ late,” she retorted. “So you might as well just tell me.”
It was obvious from her actions and tone of voice, that Xena had already made up her mind. Angered that she had jumped to conclusions so readily, I decided to play into her hand. “Xena, you haven’t been here for me. I have needs, you know…”
I expected her to get angrier, but I wasn’t prepared for the fire that suddenly shot out of her eyes. It took her several seconds to gain enough control to regain the power of speech, and then she spewed pure venom at me. “You slut! You were mad at me because I left last night, so you went out and fucked Virgil, knowing he wouldn’t turn you down!”
I couldn’t resist taking my life into my own hands. “Well, since I wasn’t getting it from you…”
I waited for her to explode, and although I knew I should have been terrified of how she might react, for some reason, I was fairly calm. After all we had been through the last few days, I think I was just resolved to forever being at odds with Xena, and had intentionally given her an excuse to not just be unhappy with me, but to be furious.
She sat up straight on the bed, and eyed me for several long moments, making me feel very uncomfortable. I was still standing, trying to take a casual defensive stance, knowing she was going to jump at me at any moment.
Instead, she spoke. “Virgil’s a dead man. But you already figured that out, didn’t you?”
Oh gods, I should have known by now I could never out-maneuver the Warrior Princess! Just when I thought I had her, she had turned the tables again, and this time on an innocent man! “No, Xena, you can’t do that…it wasn’t his fault.”
“I don’t give a fuck whose fault it was,” she replied, in a low even voice that it frightened me far more than a shout. It sounded so calm and controlled, but I knew the opposite was true.” The point is…Virgil and everyone has to learn that you’re off limits. NO one can touch you and live to tell the story.”
The words shot through me as though they had been fired from a crossbow. Of course, Xena and I were committed to each other in our relationship, and since one indiscretion on Xena’s part a long time ago, we were both determined to remain faithful to each other. But I was doing that for the same reason she was, because I loved her and was devoted to her. It was certainly NOT because I wasn’t allowed to.
“No one owns me, Xena…no one!” I snapped back.” Not Virgil…Not you…Not anyone!”
“You can believe whatever you want,” she answered, her voice still infuriating in its monotone.” but Virgil is still a dead man.”
I wouldn’t let it get that far, of course, and would do everything I could to keep Xena from making good on her word. Virgil, sincere as he was, was also totally innocent, and I wasn’t about to let him be harmed because I was trying to get a rise out of Xena.
“I’m just as guilty as Virgil is,” I said then. “In fact…I went to him which makes me even guiltier. Are you going to kill me too?”
The smile she gave me was one of a predator. I should have been terrified, but instead, I noticed the sexual gleam in her eye. I suddenly had an idea what was going on. “Oh no, Gabrielle…I’m going to punish you much worse than that.” And just like that, she ordered me to lie down next to her on the bed.
I know…I know…it’s odd, but there was a tiny part of me that felt just a little bit better in seeing the direction her thoughts were taking. It was obvious she was going to punish me by dominating me, and that told me that despite all her anger, she was still desiring me above all else. I took comfort in that, and if the truth be told, would have gladly spent the night at my mistress’s mercy.
But I couldn’t stand the idea of deceiving her any longer. Once again, I had let my anger get to me, and had deliberately riled Xena. Maybe I was seeking out her attention, but I didn’t think I was ready for a night of being submissive to her, knowing she was really dominating me out of revenge.
“Xena, My Love,” I said finally.” Do you honestly believe I think so little of my relationship with you that I would just give it all up at the first opportunity to cheat on you?”
I know I was confusing her, but it didn’t take long for the flush of rage to begin to leave her face. With relief, I realized she had faith in me, and was willing to believe the truth.
“Xena…I DID go to Virgil’s today, but not so I could have sex with him. Eve asked me to talk to him…to apologize for what she had done. I went to help her out.”
She gave me a small nod, as though that made much more sense to her, and then asked me what happened.
I told her I wasn’t going to lie to her anymore, and that Virgil did try to express his feelings for me.
When she asked me how I responded to him, I again spoke the truth. “I told him that he had no chance,” she replied. “That I was hopelessly devoted to you, and would never leave your side, no matter what.”
She gave me a very pleased smile at that. “And?”
“And…he said he understood. I think he did, but when I got back here, I discovered the scroll in my saddlebag. I honestly don’t know if he put it in there before I told him or afterward, but it doesn’t matter...he knows how I feel.”
“Good…” she sat there with the same smile for a few more seconds, and then suddenly it faded. “Why did you lead me on?” she asked me.
How could I explain what had driven me to be dishonest? Finally, I spoke the truth, no matter how lame it sounded. “I was angry that you were angry. And I guess I felt a little insulted over the whole situation.”
“Insulted?”
I had been so sure that had been her motive for down talking Virgil, but she honestly acted like she was puzzled that I would even think that.
All the warm feelings we had cultivated at dinner and in our first few minutes together in the room were suddenly flooding back through me. She took my hands, and I kneeled beside her on the bed..
She took a deep breath, then began to speak. “I’m sorry again. I seem to be saying that a lot to you today. It wasn’t hard for me at all to think that Virgil would be more than willing to want to have you. It’s my fault for doubting that you would remain faithful to me. After all we’ve been through, I should have known that I could always trust you.”
Gods, what she spoke was so beautiful, but it was my own fault for deceiving her. I tried to apologize, but she was grinning at me in a disarming way that made my voice trail off.
“I don’t blame you in the least. I was accusing from the beginning.”
Like a magnet between us, we were gradually leaning in toward each other. Our bodies couldn’t lie to each other.
“Xena…”
She didn’t respond at first, except for the burning desire in her eyes.
Frozen, I just adored her for a moment. Gods, what beauty. My heart overflowed with love for this woman, and it was one of those moments when I knew I would never feel this way about any other person.
“Gabrielle…come here,” she said softly and low, holding out her hand for me, the seduction and ownership in her voice making me immediately wetter with want.
I managed to move my body and took the few short steps into her embrace. She parted her legs and drew me into her clutches, knees on each side of my legs and her face snuggled firmly between my breasts. I wrapped my hands in her hair, pulling her harder into me. I felt her mouth latch onto one of nipples, nursing in long, slow strokes and moaning deeply from her chest.
Her hands moved down to hold onto my ass, pressing me harder into her body. Her mouth was all over my chest and soon she was kissing my stomach, sucking and biting my skin, letting, “I’ve missed you,” escape in a whisper.
“Xena…I need your touch. I’ve missed you so much…”
“Turn around…” she told me, and I backed away a few inches, looking at her with question. The corners of her beautiful mouth turned up slightly…”For me…please? Turn around, Gabrielle.”
I did as she asked, and immediately felt her knees force their way between my legs, spreading them farther apart so that I was standing spread open for her, my hot juices threatening to escape before she ever touched me. Feeling her warm lips on my lower back, she left a trail of kisses down my ass, and soon her fingers were rubbing through my slick folds.
“Tell me what you want…” she said, knowing she was seducing me with very few words and some amazing touches. Her free hand came around to hold onto the front of my stomach, pulling me a little closer towards her body. I felt her hardened nipples on my ass, and soon she had slipped two fingers inside me, fucking me slow and easy while I concentrated on standing and not letting my knees buckle.
“Gabrielle? Tell me…”
Forcing my eyes to open, I had to manage the words…”Xena…I want you. Just you. You inside me, filling me.”
“Do you want me to get the phallus?
“No…I mean, that will be great for later…but now, I just need to feel you.”
The hand she had resting on my stomach inched downward slowly, and I felt another finger add to filling my cunt while she began teasing my clit, my wetness coming down in abundance.
Pumping back and forth inside me, she continued letting her other fingers wander through my pussy, taking me close to the edge. But I didn’t want release just yet. I wanted all of her, and now was the time to ask.
I moved my hand down to cover hers as it played with my erect clit and managed to find enough coherency to speak. “Xena…”
“What? What do you want?”
I stopped her hand from moving and then felt her fingers pull out. I turned around still in her embrace, and looked down at confusion in her face. “What’s wrong?” she asked, and I realized she thought I wanted to stop.
“Nothing, Baby…nothing. This just feels so good, and I want to lie down. I need to feel your body over me…your hand inside me.” I took her face in both of my hands and kissed her with all that I felt. A kiss that held great meaning for us both. The mood was set and I wanted to give her all of me.
I reached for the covers and turned down the blankets, taking my place in the middle of the bed. I spread my legs wide and held out my arms. “Join me?” I asked, seeing her accept my invitation without delay.
With catlike movement, she crawled onto the bed and took her place between my legs, laying her body on top of mine and resuming the kiss that soon caused our mounds to begin moving against each other. “Gods, I love feeling your nipples against my skin,” I said, knowing there was no way that statement held the depth of my emotion.
“Tell me what you need…I want to make love to you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”
I looked up into her eyes, seeing that she meant every word she was saying. Without speaking, I reached down and grabbed her hand, moving it to my slick center. “I want your hand…all of it.”
Her eyes widened. “Gabrielle…my hand is too big. I’ll hurt you…”
“No you won’t. I don’t care if it does. I can’t help it. I need you inside me. Please, Xena.”
I pulled her back down for another kiss, and felt her fingers once again swirling through my juices. I then reached down between her legs, feeling how hot and wet she had gotten. Gathering plenty of her juices, I began rubbing it all over her knuckles and hand, noticing the increase in her breathing. She stopped once again and looked down, taking in what I was doing. “Just making sure we have enough lubricant…” I said.
With a growl, she captured my left breast in her mouth, her hums and moans along with her slick cunt on my thigh making me wild with need. I had never wanted her so badly.
I felt her fingers once again penetrate my opening, and at number four, I was stretched tight. I reached down once more and collected enough of my slickness to begin rubbing across her knuckles and top of her hand. After that, I gripped her wrist and begin pushing forward.
“Gabrielle…” she said, trying to stop. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Xena…please…I need you. I need this. Please, Baby. Don’t you want it? Doesn’t it turn you on?”
“Gods, yes. It turns me on. You turn me on.”
I pulled her back down again so that our mouths were one, swirling and sucking, biting and licking. My hips moved upward for her, begging for her entrance into my core. Begging her to fill me.
Tucking her thumb, I felt her pushing hard, the stinging and burning in my cunt present, yet not enough for me to want to stop. I had to have this. I had to give it to her. Finally she managed to slip inside me, both of us looking down to see only her wrist sticking out from my saturated hole. The pain subsided as the erotica took over, both of us feeling the importance of this moment.
She was soon moving back and forth inside me, my release building and feeling different than it had before. It’s like it was coming from so deep within, and the sensations were heightened for us both. “All of you Baby…I’m taking all of you…” I said, moving my arms above my head and arching my back. “Suck me, Xena…I need your mouth on my chest…”
Complying with my wishes, she continually humped her cunt on my thigh, sliding her pussy back and forth, her clit hard and her lips drenched as she felt this excitement as much as I was. I was filled inside, and taking her fist had opened a new threshold for us.
Pumping harder inside me, her mouth sucked hard at my nipples, and soon my hands were wrapped in her hair once again. “Gods, Xena…I’m close…I can feel it coming…”
“That’s it…come for me Gabrielle…give it to me…you’re mine, only mine….”
In seconds, the climax that we had created refused to be held back any longer, and her name was able to escape my lips once again in the heat of ultimate passion. As we rode it out together, her orgasm releasing with mine, sweat soaking our bodies and our sheets, we were able to finally still our movements and the weight of her body collapsed on top of mine.
I held her close to me, burying my face in her hair. Our breathing was still labored, and the tingling was still running through every nerve ending of my body.
She lifted her body so that she could see her arm still protruding from between my legs. Pulling slowly and carefully, she removed her hand from inside me and held it up, looking to see it covered perfectly in my cum, all the way past her wrist.
Looking to me again, she kissed me lightly on the mouth. “You okay? Did I hurt you?”
“I’ll be fine, Xena…you were perfect. I love you with all that I am. You know that don’t you?”
“I do,” she replied. “And it’s entirely mutual, I assure you.”
What I had just been through had exhausted me, and after a few more minutes of just being alone and naked with her, I felt sleep begin to overtake me. Curled up in the strength of her arms, it wasn’t long before I had fallen asleep. I had given Xena all of me, and she had willingly taken it.
Xena's Scroll
The Xena and Gabrielle XXX Scrolls Page 3
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