Murry:
Back in the 80's, he hijacked trains for a living. He was tall enough with long legs with which he could run fast enough to where he could grab the railing and swing himself on to the locomotive. Sneaking silently to the engine, he'd wax the conductor with a candle stick (pun intended) before he'd even had the chance to ring the emergency bell. Anything valuable would be thrown into the getaway car driving alongside the tracks. Mur especially enjoyed robbing passenger trains full of porky rich ladies because if they resisted, he'd shoot 'em on the spot. Then he'd help himself to the goods.
I'm sure you think I made this up. Then why do you think he knows so much about trains? He's writing a flippen book on them, for Christ's sake, he's got to have spent a lot of time near them. How do you figure? Guilty as charged.
Ken:
He grew up in Tyler. Need I say more? Okay, I'll elaborate. Being a tiny hick town, there's nothing to do. So the kids don't have anything keeping them out of trouble. Let's say that one day, young Ken gets BEYOND bored. He's going crazy so he thinks, "Hey, I'll order some music under my sister's name." It takes all afternoon for him to chose which 8-tracks he'd like, but his sister wouldn't. He figures it all out and sends off the form. A month later, it comes back from Colombia records, saying "Here are your ten free music selections! Please make your next three selections within the next six months." His sister is like, "Whatever. Free music, but nothing I like. Hey, Ken. Want these?"
"Sure, I guess." Ken runs up to his room with his box of goodies and dumps them on the floor. Alright! No one suspects him! And the boy was glad.
His sister kept getting bills and remiders and catalogues, but threw them away because she never ordered anything. Ken started to worry that he'd get busted, so he hauled out an old dusty typewriter and composed the following letter:
Dear Colombia Manager,A week later he recieved a letter from Colombia records, saying that they were very sorry about his sister and would he please box up the 8-tracks and send them back? He didn't (of course)and they never bothered him again.
I'm sad to report that Ms. Bethea died two weeks ago in a terrible car accident and therefor will no longer be able to buy music from you.
Sincerly,
Ken Bethea
Philip:
About twelve years ago, he had the habit of clubbing people to death, but his mother begged him to give it up after she found a dead cat in her trunk. He swore he would never do it again, but the craving to beat something was overwhelming. His parents sent him to all kinds of expensive counseling and reform camps and stuff like that, but nothing worked. It finally occurred to them that they had to allow him to divulge in his urges and let him beat something as much as he wants before he goes nuts. So they bought him a great set of drums. He didn't need lessons, he picked up really quickly and he got to be very good in no time at all because he practiced ALL THE TIME. He had to if he didn't want to kill anybody. He played in several bands until they found out the truth about his past and fired him. He was so sad and lonely because no one could appreciate the one joy he found in life. They were simply too... morally concious. Don't you hate it when that happens?
Well, Philip had nearly given up hope. He was on the brink of insanity, wasted away with nothing to do but beat on his drums, who had gotten to be as tired as he was. Then he met Ken. Someone who relaly appreciated him and could share in his grievances and didn't mind his shady past at all. They decided to form a band. And that's where the fourth accomplice comes in...
Rhett:
I have to say, Rhett has a completely clean record, except for one thing- what he aspires to be. When he met Ken and Murry and Philip, he wanted to be just like them. He was regretful that he was always such a good kid and never had a fun childhood. He wasted his time writing silly "Candy Apple Corkscrew Hair" folk songs and letting women drool over him. This had to stop. His life of wanna-be crime started when they started the Old 97s. He figured if he joined up with the other scheming guys, he could become powerful enough to make all the kids who called him "Professor Encyclopedia" regret they ever made fun of him. He tries to conceal the evidence with saying things like "Who really gives a damn about two little alternative counrty bands? Nobody."
Now you want to hear the *phoney* evidence I have for this, right? Well, the answer is simple. Aside from hanging with the other boys, he moved to LA, and as everyone knows, those who reside in LA are criminals, every one of them. Except for Kirsti and Dave and Mel. Aside from dating Jesus, they work at converting the other twisted citizens there to the way straight and narrow. Back to LA.
Rhett figured that if he moved to Los Angeles, he'd have more exposure to these wicked things and be able to pick up a couple of moves. When he's done with this, the four of them will be unleashed into the unsuspecting world and will change it forever. There is no turning back now.
See? Once you hear the evidence, it becomes all too clear...
