12/29/97
Our guys went fishing on vacation when they were just young lads, long before the Old 97s came to be. Philip catches a mermaid. They all think "Great! We caught this nudie mermaid with a real tail. We can go take her to the tabloids and make a million off of her!" But the mermaid is crying and weeping because she deosn't want to leave her home in the ocean. So she decides that in return for her freedom, she will grant each of them one wish, any wish. Philip wishes for his brain capacity to be doubed. She says "Done." and Philip runs off performing complex drum ryhthyms. Ken thinks, "hey, cool!" He wishes for his brain capacity to be trippled. The mermaid says "Done," and he picks up a guitar and can play it better than Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, and Ian Moore combined. Murry is pumped now, and wishes for his brain capacity to be quadrupled. The mermaid does her thing and Mur runs off creating the most exquisite bass lines that have ever met human ears. There was one young boy left. His name was Bill Smith. He was nothing special. He was a sweet average guy with a big heart, but not fantastic. He wishes for his brain capacity to be quintupled. The mermaid is slightly hesitant because she doesn't like making changes this big. He insists and threatens to take her to the Weekly World News and The Globe if she doesn't grant him his wish. She sighs and finally agrees. So he is no longer Billy Smith, but is now..... Rhett Miller.
Is that the greatest theory you ever heard or what?
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