Raising Peaceful, Caring Sons in a Violent World
Raising Peaceful, Caring Sons in a Violent World
by Lynda S. Cooper, Wheat Ridge Police Department
With crime and domestic abuse on the rise, and models of violence glamorized by the
media, it is increasingly important for parents to nurture non-violent attitudes in our
children - especially our sons.
Family violence is prevalent in an estimated three to four million American homes. If 2.5
children are living in each one, that's at least 7.5 million kids learning violence every
year, either as a spectator, or as a participant, according to Sherry Ford, author of
"Domestic Violence: The Great American Spectator Sport" (1991). How does that
affect the children?
"Children learn violence," says Ernestine "Ernie" Edelmann, a licensed family therapist
at Boys' and Girls' Town of Missouri. "If they see their parents skirting the law, well,
how can we expect them to be any different?"
Edelmann suggests the following guidelines for nurturing nonviolence:
Never use violence to set limits or to punish. Take away privileges instead. "The old
fashioned way was to beat the tar out of the child," said Edelmann, "but, you
can't correct one mistake by making another one."
Be consistent with rules, limits, and punishment. "Violence is so easily
perpetuated. Parents need to assure kids of their love, no matter what, but tell
them they'll be held accountable for their actions," advises Edelmann.
Warn kids what the consequences will be for certain actions, then follow through
with them. "Children see celebrities not being held accountable all the
time," says Edelmann. "Don't perpetuate that attitude in your own home."
Accept that children who use poor judgement will mess up, and let them learn
from it.
Let your children experience the natural consequences of their bad decisions
instead of making excuses for them. "Letting them experience the logical
consequences of their poor judgement will make a bigger impression than
preaching to or blaming them," says Edelmann.
If a child is involved in aggressive sports, promote the concepts of fair play and
sportsmanship, and downplay the "winning at all costs" attitude.
"Do not allow
your child to win, win, win, always at the expense of someone
else's loss," advises
Edelmann. "There is no great victory in that. Parents
must model such fairness, too,
not just preach it."
Blaming yourself for your children's transgressions can be
another problem, according to Edelmann, who states, "Too many parents
internalize
their kids' bad behavior, thinking they must have done something wrong
[in their parenting] to cause the indiscretion. The child's consequences feel like a
personal attack, and it shouldn't be that way, because it causes parents to make
excuses for their children, which doesn't teach them anything."
"When you are living through your children, you make their failures your failures. That's
not good," she adds.
According to Linda Loflin Pettit, of AMEND (Abusive
Men Exploring New Directions) in Denver, Colorado, children live what they learn,
and learn what they live.
"If you show them the only way to display anger or to express your feelings is through
violence, that is how they will deal with it in their lives," says Loflin Pettit.
She suggests teaching boys positive conflict management, modeling non-violent
behavior, and showing kids it is not okay to choose violence in any case.
"Anger is a normal, valid emotion," states Loflin Pettit. "It's how you deal with it that
counts."
Ultimately, children are responsible for their own actions, but we, as parents, have a duty
to model appropriate, peaceful choice-making behaviors for them.
Sources: Linda Loflin Pettit, AMEND; Ernie Edelmann, Boys and Girls Town of
Missouri; Statistics Packet, National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered
Women, 3rd edition; "Domestic Violence: The Great American Spectator
Sport,"
Oklahoma Coalition of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, July/August
1991; Children of Battered Women, Jaffe, Wolfe, and Wilson.
TEN WAYS TO CULTIVATE NONVIOLENCE IN YOUR SONS
1. Teach him to communicate to increase understanding, not just to get his point
across.
2. Teach him respect for girls and women, and explain that he can receive love and
affection in non-sexual ways.
3. Teach him respect for himself, others, and the environment.
4. Teach him to be his own person, and not just to go along with the group.
5. Limit his exposure to media violence, and encourage gentle rather than aggressive
problem-solving.
6. Help him be accountable for his own behavior, and steer away from the "boys will
be boys" attitude.
7. Allow him to express all his emotions‹give him a safe environment in which to cry.
8. Help him to balance competition with cooperation, and to seek friends who
share
his values.
9. Show him that being a man means having character and moral principles, and that
it is okay for a man to ask for nurturing, support, help, and affection.
10. Most of all, value him as an individual, not just his accomplishments.
In early 1998, Lynda S. Cooper left her career as a police officer in Colorado to focus on her writing full-time. Within seven months, she'd sold four books. Her first, "TRUE BLUE: an insider's guide to street cops--for writers," (ISBN 0-9654371-3-2) is a nonfiction reference book and will be released by Gryphon Books for Writers in March 1999. UNGUARDED HEARTS, will be released by Zebra Bouquet Romances in November 1999. Writing as Lynda Sandoval, LOOK OF LOVE and SKIN DEEP will be released by Kensington Encanto in January and June 2000.
While with the police department, she was responsible for business and neighborhood crime prevention training. In addition to public speaking and community problem-solving, she wrote and distributed a crime prevention newsletter. Lynda writes freelance for numerous local and national
publications and is working on her next novel as well as many articles.
She can be reached by e-mail:TundraFlwr@aol.com or phone: (303) 235-2936.
copyright © 1997 Lynda Sue Cooper. All Rights Reserved.
First published by St. Louis Parent Magazine.
Article appears on this website with written permission from the author.
MAY NOT BE REPRINTED IN WHOLE OR IN PART WITHOUT EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT FROM THE AUTHOR.
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Lynda Sue Cooper
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