The voice itself wants me to come outside to play.
This started when I was 7 years old. My first and only best friend for a while moved to Minnesota. And my father changed.
When I was a very young child, my dad was the greatest guy in the world.
Come out and play with me, April!
He spent every minute he could with me. He always tried to bring something home for me.
My best friend. We fought, just like all children do, but there was never a day we did not spend with each other, unless one was grounded or out of town. Two peas in a pod.
The first to occur was my very first best friend moving away. I cried. I didn't understand. I wanted to go too. I hated his parents for it. Then I realised that was what most military families did. Moved my best friend far away from me.
Come out and play with me, April!
My father changed. He always slept when he came home from work. He called me bad names. He acted like he hated my mom. It was the entire family's fault there were problems. He hated us. I didn't learn until much later on That he was more than likely cheating on my mom at the time, and all of this was out of guilt. I still resent him anyway. Some days it eats at me more than others.
Come out and play with me, April!
The voice is my own. My voice at the age of 7. When my childhood took a turn. After the changes happened (you have to admit, pretty big changes in the eyes of a 7 year old) I started shutting myself away
Come out and play with me, April!
to concentrate only on school work and reading books. I took very little time to play and just be a kid.
Come out and play with me, April!
Ever feel like crying? I do a lot now. I pushed it down when I was a kid.
Come out and play with me, April!
I can't go to my childhood now. I presently have a child of my own. She needs me to be the adult. I thought about it a lot before she was born. Before she was a twinkle in my eye, I stayed introverted, and I kept all emotins in check, to appear with almost no emotion. The only person I loved was my mother. She was the only one I cried truthfully for.
Come out and play with me, April!
Still the voice continues to beg me. APRIL! Taunt me. APRIL! Cause longing to just be carefree and play. APRIL!
Come out and play with me, April!
But I can't come outside and play. The child has to stay inside.
Why, April?
I have a child to take care of. I want her to be happy.
Come out and play with me, April!
I wish. I long for it. I cry. The tears won't make up for what I missed.
Come out and play with me, April!
Even when I played, it wasn't real. It was like one of those bad dreams where you don't know where to go or what to do.
Come out and play with me, April!
Someday they'll commit me for acting crazy and doing all the things I always wanted to. I'll be a child again.
Come out and play with me, April!
But not right now.
