LAUGHING OUT LOUD - PAGE 2
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find for Valentines Day. The woman behind the counter brings out one for him to look at. "This is $200," she says. "I want one more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. He says, "Please put this on and come downstairs to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through, that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He says, "Darn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the darn thing." A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ....that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T PAY TO TEASE Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open. When leaving the room she said, "Mr. Smith, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two wrinkled duffel bags."A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times so the lion feels like he'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion 'till it looked like a road kill, crapped on it, and stalked off. Rousing himself feebly, the lion hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get mad!" KING OF BEASTS
Bill and Hillary had Al and Tipper Gore over for dinner at the White House. In the middle of dinner, Al excused himself to use the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he came back. The Gores finished their dinner and left. On the way home, Al turned to Tipper and said, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can we tell the American people we are serious about cutting the budget when the President has a solid-gold urinal?" Tipper said, "There must be some mistake, I'll call Hillary when we get home and find out." When they got home, Tipper called Hillary and said, "Is it true that Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom?" Hillary put her hand over the receiver and said, "Bill!!! I found out who peed in your Saxophone!" 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me. 7. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?
REJECTED HALLMARK GREETINGSFred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright." He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"
It vass a hot day in Minnesota, ya. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gudness, it's hot", she mused as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "vy nodt?" Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, "Ya know, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer. "The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?" Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's yurr pecker??" Three buddies die in a car crash; they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ..... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!" An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants and see if you can get disability!"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!" Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised" the other one says. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My Mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,"And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" 
MIXED UP NURSE Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life. The 80 year old said: "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem." The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he'd get right on it. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged."There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone 'must' attend!" Of course, sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.She said, "Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!" POOR OLAF... Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends Swen and Lars to come and try to I.D. the body. Swen went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at his butt and said "No dat ain't Olaf." The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of strange. Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and said "Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his butt and said "No dat ain't Olaf." The mortician said "How can you tell?" Lars said "Well Olaf had two asses." "What? he had two asses?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two asses. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two asses!"
A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die." The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" "Yes, dear, He did." "And grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes." The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?. . .No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
THE FIRE ENGINE A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's private parts, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts.....although still silent.....stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
