My Memories Once Forgotten
My Memories and Nightmares
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This is my story of how I lost my childhood so quickly and had to grow up so suddenly. It happened on April 18th, 1993, two weeks before my 13th birthday. I forced my self to believe that it never happened and that it was all just one big nightmare. In the end, I forced myself into having amnesia... I forgot for three and a half years. I remember most of it... some is still lost. I will try to tell my story as best I can. I hope in the end I can help someone in some way.
It was a Sunday. I remember it so clearly. My best and only friend at the time was my next door neighbor. We'll call him "Joe" for security reasons. He had just turned 14 ten days before. He called me up asking if I would like to come over. As a rule, I can only go over there if his parents were home. He said they were... only now do I realize it was just another one of his lies. I went over there around mid afternoon. At first all seemed normal... we played Sega and Nintendo... we went outside and jumped on his trampoline and then we went swimming. When we went back inside to play sega again, he seemed well... distracted in a way. We played for maybe five minutes when he suddenly stopped. I asked him why he stopped and he didn't answer. The pause seemed to last forever. Then finally he asked me, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I was taken back. He had asked me this before but I had always had a boyfriend for an excuse. Now I didn't and he knew this. I had never thought about him any different than a best friend... hence the word "friend." I finally had to explain to him that we would always be "just friends" and never would we be "romantically involved." He didn't like this one bit. I had seen him angry before and this wasn't anger... it was pure rage. He stood up quickly and so did I. He was a good foot taller than me and 50 pounds heavier. I realized then how much danger I was in. But then I thought I knew this guy and that he would never hurt me. "Never" has become an unreal term to me now. He started yelling things I cannot bare to repeat... he called me a F***ing Slut, among other things. He accused me of teasing him and leading him on to believe there was a chance. Maybe I did... innocently though. I couldn't say a word. I just stared at him. He was between me and the door to from his room, which was shut and locked. I peered around him and then looked back into his eyes... intuition told me to run like hell... and I did. But I didn't get very fire. He cut me off quicker than I could blink. He laughed and sickish laugh and he said "Going somewhere?" I just stared and the door fearing I would never reach it. He then said "You are going to give me what I always wanted, whether you want to give it to me or not." I blinked in disbelief and I almost pinched myself to see if I was dreaming. I made another move for the door, but this time he caught me with a quick forarm across the neck and then he shoved me up against the wall. He shoved me so hard I hit my head against the wall and almost right away things went hazy. I tried to take deep breaths to stay calm... failed miserably, but I was so weak from the blow to the head that I couldn't fight him. My head just kind of bobbed around and soon my chin rested upon my chest. I wasn't out though. His face was close to mine. I could feel him breathing hard on my cheek. I felt him let go with one hand. I opened my eyes just enough to see him unbuttoning his pants and pull them down... then went his underwear. I closed my eyes before I could see anymore, but I knew what was there. I knew what was about to happen and I couldn't fight. He then threw me to the ground... that did my head no good. I just layed there. I looked up and saw him standing over me completly naked. And as he knelt down I cursed the heavens for even bringing me to this earth. His eyes were wide with rage and even a little fear. Of what I don't know... but it was there. He was soon straddling me and pulling or should I say ripping my shorts off and then my panties... he did nothing with the shirt. He touched me all over and kissed my all over my body. He bit me in my right breast. I just layed there helpless. And then I felt the sharp pain as he entered my body and stole my childhood. It was a kind of pain I had never felt before. I hurt physically and emotionally and spritually. He took from me something I charished so much. I do believe it was with the physical pain of him raping me that finally caused me to black out. When I finally came to I didn't open my eyes right away. I just listen to the sounds around me. My head hurt so bad and my lower abodomen area hurt awfully bad. When I finally open my eyes it was dark outside and he was no where in sight. I don't think he was in the house. It was just a gut feeling. I layed there for hours or maybe it was only minutes. I finally sat up slowly and the pain in my head exploded... I had a serious concusion and I knew it. I sat up and looked around... I still had my shirt on... but my shorts and panties were gone. I looked down at the spot where I was sitting and there was a mixture of my blood and his semen. I vomited right there on the spot and I kept vomiting until all that I had eaten it seemed for the past week was out of my body. I grabbed a pair of his shorts which were laying on his bed and threw them on and I turned to leave. I slowly crept out of the room leaning against the wall so that I would not fall again if I fainted. I managed to find my way through the dark and out the front door. I walked into my house as if nothing had happend. I didn't see my parents nor did I wish to. I did hear them welcome me back and then mumble something about being gone too long, but I ignored it. I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I made the water bowling hot and I layed in that bath tube for a long while. I scrubbed myself so much that I hoped to get the feeling of being so dirty off of me. I got out and then I stared in the mirror... It was then that I vowed never to tell a soul about what had happend. I believed no one would believe me and that they would blame me too. I blamed myself. Why couldn't I have just sayed yes... why did I even stay there after I realized his parents weren't there. I believed I deserved it... Maybe I did.
I am writing this to save people from making the same mistakes I did. I told no one when it happen and I buried it deep inside my heart and soul and now I am paying for both of those mistakes. I keep reliving that night in my dreams and I failed to go to therapy when I did finally tell my parents. I need to talk. I need to get it out. I cannot keep it in any longer for it will eventually kill me. If you have been raped or sexually abused now or as a child and have told no one or very few people I encourage you to speak. Talking has been my best therapy. Getting it out is the only way to truly heal. In tellin my story I hope I can encourage others to speak out too. Please feel free to email me if you would like someone to talk to and understand or if you only want to tell your story that is fine to. Please specify on whether or not you would like me to reply or not. Also if you just want to comment on my web page please feel free to do that also... I welcome anything to improve this page. Thank you dearly and God bless you all. You are all in my prayers....Mary Jane
Email: bbmaryjane21@yahoo.com
