Top Ten Handy Hints
10. International master criminals - Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
9. American organised crime leaders - Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful scrap materials.
8. Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
7. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
6. Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
5. Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
4. People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
3. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
2. Take your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
1. Housewives - I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.