Top Ten aspects of Leeds undercover
10. First off, the population of the city is damn near one million, so for those who don't know, it ain't that Emmerdale farm shit - that's why we have Meanwood urban farm so city kids can see what dinner used to look like.
9. Leeds Permanent Building Society, Roundhay Road (now Halifax) : These guys used to get robbed damn near every year, it seemed. I'm sure they only merged with the Halifax and changed their name to confuse the blaggers.
8. Video libraries in Harehills - not generic like Blockbuster, they get in films like "Revenge of Shaolin Blade part 36" and other such delights.
7. Cantor's Fish and Chips, Chapeltown Road : Great food, but they need to contribute a little something to Carnival since they've been in the area since Moses decided he didn't want to wet up his curl. Instead they usually put prices up on Carnival day.
6. J.D Sports (St. John's Centre) : They've moved from St.John's now, but they get no love from me 'cos they don't stock UK size 12. My man says that back in the day this store was "the primary target for kleptos from every area." Whether or not that's true, I remember it used to be the centre of Saturday afternoon social life - checking out new Jordans and other fly stuff, fronting like you could afford it - "I'm coming back in the week to get these" was a commonly heard phrase (ha ha)!
5. Yorkshire Rider (or First Bus, or whatever else they're called this week): Basically, the only bus firm in the city. Frank Nails analysis - "worse than a bent copper on the take, a law unto themselves, can and will jack up prices whenever they see fit. If you don't want to pay then break out the old Nikes - it's a long walk, because there's one Yorkshire Rider, there's only one Yorkshire Rider!"
4. "Car Boot Sale," Cross Green Industrial Estate: No international arms dealers, but you want anything from claw hammers to bootleg CD-ROM to widescreen TVs on the low, this is the spot :-)
3. House of Lamps, The Headrow : As my man says, "The words 'niche market' come to mind, table lamp £2000 - what more can you say? Forget all the gold shit, you haven't really made it until you're down with a receipt of purchase from the lamp house." Editor's note: I actually have a lamp from here! Not a £2000 one, but still quality merchandise.
2. Roundhay Park: Hang around here and you may see Sir Jimmy Savile - originator of the style now being bitten by No Limit and Cash Money Records - draped in fat gold and puffing on a fat stogie, representing Leeds City for life. On the other hand, he may just be out jogging.
1. Barry on Briggate - most thieving newsagents in the Western World. As Frank Nails tells it; "the trick daddy of newsagents. Forget about expanding operations - this crook charges VAT on VAT, is deemed untouchable by the Monopolies and Mergers Commission and is so large he must have Roger Cook washing his shop windows."