Top Ten Hip-Hop Crimes and Punishments
10. Incitement to buy Versace [excess flossing] : Ducking stool. Offender will be ducked into a vat of Moet until they repent their ostentatious ways.
9. Theft, Musical [beat biting] : Hip-Hop hard labour - carrying record crates for DJs (under supervision). Normal sentence - 30 nights. May be extended to 90 nights for flagrant offences such as stealing beats from Casio keyboards.
8. Posession of a wack rhyme style : Court injunction - offender may not come within 100 yards of a microphone.
7. Trade Descriptions Act violation [Not mixing on mixtapes] : Confiscation of goods and equipment, forced to listen to the sample "Mr Cee, and you don't stop" on loop 10,000 times (as on "Best of the Infamous" mixtape).
6. Vandalism, defacing public property [painting over incredible burners with wackness] : Course of aerosol education, followed by Hip-Hop Community Service, Grafitti Squad - 100 hours going to public walls where there is no graf, then adding some.
5. Falsifying qualifications [faking old school knowledge when in fact you don't know who Kool Herc is AND you think it's Grandmaster Flash's voice you hear on "The Message"] : Beatdown by Melle Mel. And he gets to wear those spiky gloves/wristbands (ouch).
4. Fraud [e.g. calling yourself something like "9mm" then later coming up with some wack excuse why that's your name, fronting like it ain't to do with a gun] : Full confession, heavy fine. Proceeds of fine will go towards struggling underground artists and community projects.
3. Impersonation of real hip-hop [rhyming over DAT] : a day in the stocks, being pelted with rotten food and whipped by Kool Keith.
2. Accessory to a serious hip-hop offence [putting your (wo)man on when they've got no skills] : Must produce four short public service announcement films for TV on the subject "Knowing when to stop."
1. Treason [shamelessly changing style for financial gain] : Revocation of Hip-Hop passport, immediate deportation.