These jokes contain high points of insane humour and may cause you to burst out laughing due to the nature of these jokes, they are stupid.
~THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY - DEAD AT 71~
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Cap'n Crunch and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick mnute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
1.Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2.Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
3.You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
4.Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
5.Exam room has a tip jar.
6.Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7.Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8.Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
9.To avoid a time-consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
10.You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
Stupid Philosophy
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated next to each other on a plane. The Southern Girl, being friendly and all, said "So, where ya'll from?"
The northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the south sat quietly for a moment and then said, "so where ya'll from, bitch? "
In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.
A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared.
Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!
Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.
A man wanted his porch painted for cheap. He put signs up asking for a painter, no experience necessary. He got a reply within hours. It was beautiful blonde woman. She said " I'll paint for you but tell me, how much do you pay?"
He answered, "$200 and you'll have to buy your own supplies."
"I'll do it," she replied.
He then smiled and said, "Good, I want you to paint the porch, the whole porch, green."
She nodded and said, "Alright." So she went on her way to do her job.
A couple hours later she knocked on the door and said, " I'm finished."
The man looked at her wide-eyed and said "Already? The whole thing?"
She replied " Yes, all of it." So he payed her and as she was about to leave she said, "Oh, and it's not a porsche, it's a BMW."
A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.
A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field.
But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"
"Nope" the guy replied.
So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"
The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."
The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"
"No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."
A rich business buys the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.
At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old scooter. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"
"About 270," answers the executive.
"No way," says the old man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?"
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the scooter.
"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the scooter that crashed into him.
"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?
"Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."
There were three guys that were about to be executed for a crime that they had commited. So, they bring the first guy out and just as they are about to shoot the guy yells, "Look, its a tornado!" As the guards are running for cover the first guy gets away. Five minutes later, they realize that there is no tornado. Then they bring out the second guy, and as they are about to shoot him he yells, "Oh no! Earthquake!!" As the guards run for cover the second guy gets away. Three minutes later they realize that there is no earthquake. Finally, they bring out the third guy and the guards yell, "Ready, Aim, -", but before they could finish, the third guy yells, "Fire!"
Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."
Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed my these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.
