Sean had his second surgery when he was 10 months old, just after I started work at the local newspaper. (I was so thrilled to find a job and one at night so that if Jon found a job we would always be with Sean and he would not have to go to daycare.) In the second surgery they removed the shunt and closed the hole in his heart to a miniscule hole. They felt the hole was still necessary to guarantee oxygen to the lungs. But after the surgery his blood oxygen level was still in the 60 percentile so at the last minute, the closed the hole entirely. His blood oxygen level shot to 90 percent and he was pink for the first time in his life. We all cried profusely.
On top of the feelings I had been having about myself, the doubts about my entire being, my faith, my parenting, having Sean ill was a tremendous blow. I had come to feel that God hated me. That I was consistently being punished for my sinful relationship, even though we were now married. The pastor in the church we tried to get married in told me I was an adulteress and that I would always be an adulteress even if I married Jon. I felt hopeless and abandoned by God, not knowing which way to turn and I was so tired of authoritative men telling me what God did and did not feel about me and my life.
I began studying Aurthurian legends because I had always been fascinated by the round table and all of that time of history. And because I had always been fascinated by the gentle aspects of Goddess worship. And through my research I began studying Shamanism, Wicca, Paganism, Goddess worship, Druidism. I really learned a great deal and read down this path for over a year. I really like some of the aspects of what I have been studying and feel that we should incorporate more of it into our lives, no matter what we believe. The reverence and respect and kindness would do all of us good. There are so many books that were especially relevant to my life and my heart that I could never list them all. But I do want to mention a few.
The Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley
The Occult Christ by Ted Andrews
The Joshua Series by Father Joseph Girzone
When God Whispers Your Name by Max Lucado
When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Kirschner
Crossing To Avalon by Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D.
Where Two Worlds Touch by Gloria D. Karpinski
In His Steps by Charles M. Sheldon
The Art of Forgiving by Lewis B. Smedes
I have come to call myself a Celtic Christian, because in my studies I discovered that there is much of our heritage and history that was changed and decided by the Roman bishops that possibly shouldn't have been. And in the Celtic tradition, where the bishops were not influential, there seems to be a purer, simpler form of the Gospel, closer to the earth, kinder to women. I have also been deeply touched by the Joshua series by Father Joseph Girzone. And I found, when all the reading was said and done, that I could not reject the Son of God whom I had found and come to worship. That the things that I was studying rounded me and taught me, but they did not replace the gracious message of a loving Heavenly Father. So, although my Christianity is profoundly changed in depth of worship and fullness and richness, I still am compelled to believe in the creator God (Yahweh)and in His Son, Jesus Christ (Yeshua).
I have always believed that one of the things the bishops changed that they should not have is the day of our Sabbath, that the Saturday Sabbath was an established thing forever. But I know that to many that is considered quibbling. And I have come to think that perhaps we should use the names they were given for Yahweh and Yeshua, because I might not answer if someone called me by a lesser nickname such as God or Lord or such, but again, some would say I quibble over little things. I am committed to a more loving, more inclusive gospel of Christ because I really believe he would be amongst the suffering and the ill and the sinning, not among the self-righteous, judgemental of the world. And, hopefully, there you will find me.
