Whats the speed of dark?
If a cow laughed would milk come out her nose?
If knees were backwards what would chairs look like?
A recent study shows that research causes cancer in rats.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Its a small world but I wouldnt want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
Whats another word for thesaurus?
It may be your sole purpose in life simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: you can't fall off the floor.
If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit.
No use making an @ss of yourself.
When you dont know what to do, walk fast and
look worried. Why does you nose run and your feet smell?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? If a tree fell down and no one was there
to hear it would it make a sound? If a 7-11 is opened 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, including
Xmas and all those others and Leap Year whenever it is, then why do they have locks on the
door? Why are there braille dots on a drive-thru ATM machine?
Defintion of Stupid:
"In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most."
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.Fight crime, shoot back
Impeach the President. . . and Fire Bill, too So many pedestrians, so little time.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Wink. I'll do the rest. If it's too loud, you're too old.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye. There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Friends don't let friends drive naked. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Welcome to Texas, now go home. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Always remember to pillage before you burn.It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Do you need a silencer to kill a mime?
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try.
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.
Work smarter, not harder. Keep it simple, stupid!
Is anyone ever just whelmed? The light, the darkness, the adventure.
When your bird sees you reading the paper, does he wonder why you sitting there staring at the carpeting?
Are there seeing eye humans for dogs?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
What is the speed of dark?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If someone with multiple personalties threatons to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, when you cant drink and drive?
What's another word for synonym?
When a cow laughs, does milk come her nose?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
24 beers in a case, 24 hours in a day. Coincidence?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If you can't convince them, confuse them....
Death is hereditary.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
It's not just winning the game...it's drinking the beer!
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
Dole for Pineapple, Not for President.
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights? Why is that when the bad guy shoots at Superman he sticks out his chest
and lets the bullets bounce off his chest, but when the bad guy throws
the gun Superman ducks?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn.
down the volume on the radio?Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States!
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Lord save me from your followers.Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
It is no accident that 'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts.'
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have Film.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I went to a general store. They wouldnt let me buy anything
specifically.
Right now Im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said" hey,the sign
says your open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at
the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. At the mall entrance there is a sign that says Seeing eye-dogs
allowed......who is supposed to read that, the dog or the blind guy?
I went to the store the other day and bought powdered
water....the directions said just add water.
How come you hear people say "today feels like a" friday, or
monday or any other day, but you never hear anyone say it feels like
a Tuesday. Even Tuesday doesn't feel like Tuesday.
