HOUSECAT RULES
Let's face it, if you own a housecat, the house isn't really yours anymore. It belongs to the cat. Here's some handy Housecat Rules for us humans to follow.
Human's have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us and to clean the litterbox. It is important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so they will not forget who is the Master of the house!
BATHROOMS
Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything---just sit and stare!
BED
When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the middle or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the
sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted!
PLACES TO DRINK
If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into the liquid, swirl it around and give it the taste test. Other good sources for a drink are toilet bowls,
dripping faucets, the bathtub drain, and to really get their attention, the fish bowl!
CHAIRS AND SOFAS
In addition to being excellent napping spots, chairs and sofas are ideal places to stretch and scratch. Of course, never, ever let a human catch you doing this. It may be your chair or sofa but they seem to have a claim on it also.
COMPUTER'S
Humans appreciate your involvement while they're using the computer. Situate your body between the human and the display screen, tail in the human's face if possible. Step on the keyboard periodically, being sure to hold down random keys.
COOKING
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. Don't be too proud to beg for samples!
DIETARY SUPPLEMENTS
If allowed outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible. After ingesting a "critical mass"
amount, yowl at the door to be let back in the house. After entering, head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip! Small, shiny objects, animal bones and hair
contribute to attractive artifacts when regurgitated.
DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, sit there and stare at it without blinking. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and decide what you want to do. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mesquito season.
GARBAGE
When you steal something from the trash, be sure to drag it onto the carpet. Better yet, hide it and let it "ripen" for a few days.
GIFTS HUMAN'S LOVE
Should you catch something of your own outside, carefully pick it up and carry it into the house. If the door is closed, leave the "gift" on the doorstep. If the door is open, or if there is a cat-door, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. Humans especially love it if your "gift" is still alive!
SLEEPING / NAPPING
Depending upon your fur color is where you sleep or nap. Always chose a place of a lighter or darker color so that your hair marks your favorite spot. Always sleep in the daytime because nighttime is the ideal time to stampede from room to room, explore dresser tops, shelves and small areas.
TOYS
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it's a good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where they put it so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Some especially fun toys are used Q-Tips, Christmas tree ornaments, keys and writing implements. Don't overlook the toilet paper dispenser for hours of hilarious fun.
WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: when they have their arms fulls, in the dark and first thing in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
This pretty much covers everything except to remember: 
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