09.06.07 wow time flies, i wish i could say i was having fun, but no go. another girl whom i honstly thought id marry went after more stds. (glad I never made love to her) oh well, ciao.

08.02.07 time truly flies, its been a month already :) im no longer engaged. well i suppose this is better for me she turned out to be a whore anyhow.... well maybe ill post more later. ciao.

07.09.07 wow time is faster than I am, the only thing I can do now is fight this urgw to die... could be worse i suppose, enough for now... ciao.

06.15.07 wow time flies. ive got my next piece of art planned for my red side at least :) i guess its good that i dont completely or at all feel my right side. anywho ill post more later, ciao.

05.31.07 my neurologist says i can have lasic! great but since im in recovery from chemo it will be a while. well i have my new glasses to keep me busy i guess. anywho, ill post more later. ciao.

05.16.07 funny that it took longer than the time ive lived to find one of my favorite films, twas written in 1975 with the proposed title of "transvestite". the rocky horror picture show, maybe ill post more later. im looking into adopting a special needs child so maybe ill have a child before i have a wife. anywho, ill post more later, ciao.

05.15.07 i sat and thought out this suicide thing, decided against it. that and my facial hair both changed, im getting a psp for fun i guess, that and an ibook. anywho, ill post more later. ciao.

05.11.07 well, im good i think. new versace glasses, i suppose thats better than most i think. my favoritism for heineken light didnt really matter, im not showing allergy to american beer anymore. miller chill doesnt offend me any longer :) ooh, sweet november :) much better than i expected, i expected the worse of everything, but it appears otherwise now and my doc says that ill be normal in about a year. yay? anyhow, ill tty all later? ciao.

05.08.07 well my last chemo is tommorow. ive got an lr2 finally :) im sure I dont deserve it, but i guess its better than a foot mobile ; my sis ordered the delahoya fight for me at my house this past weekend. the fight was soso, but fun to watch. anywho, ciao.

04.21.07 crap, well i tried to do that lasik thing, the doc said no. because of my m.s. which once again sucks! oh well, he then suggested contacts and smiled :( . anywho, thats enough for now... ciao

04.12.07 well i have an appointment next saturday for lasik eye surgery, kinda excited about that. no more glasses, ill only wear sunglasses for fun :> I am happier about that than my docs news about my encumbent death. i know that im not expected to be here, i also know that im good at surprises, anywho ill post more later, ciao.

04.11.07 hmmm, im still here :) my doc figured out my spastic bladder. between that and little mrs. forgets her past and treats it as if it was minor. yeah, its hard to forget 6 years when you yourself tried to be with her forever, silly me. ill have another day. anywho, let lies go on being lies. ciao, until later.

04.02.07 I won it :) yay i guess. new mencia is on. yay, i guess :) anyhow, ill post more later. ciao

04.01.07 cool! im getting a 1942 mein kampf if im lucky :> im good with luck, i think. anywho ill post more later. ciao

03.30.07 i bought a 70's version of mein kampf today, wanted older but ill take that. in any case i can at least immerse myself in his ancient genious. helps with boredome at least for now. ciao, til later.

03.29.07 new plan, im going to be a police man of sorts. actually a crime scene analist. i figure im not weary of death, and dead people in no way bother me so i'd be good at that I think. perhaps, plus it will make my family happy. anyhow, ill post later. ciao

03.27.07 wow, still here and alive. I know how ill die, but im here now. at least it bought me more time :) myself and my desire to vanish. anywho, ill ttyl. ciao

03.24.07 well, thanks for everything everyone. There wont be another almost this time. I love so few people in my life SOOOO much, all i ever wanted was reciprocation. anyhow, ciao

03.20.07 i got interesting news yesterday, turns out my old manager and Megans old friend (Asset Protection bitch-lady) at walgreens are pronouncing my death way early. my death isnt until 7.7.07. that day only happens every thousand years and this wont be another almost, ive at least had nothing but time to think this over. at least i know she will miss me, thats all i ever wanted. anyhow, ciao

03.18.07 wow, im 27. still cute as hell ;) and for some reason im still here. I got to see Jes today, her and my other lovely cousins. Not the bad Jes, not the one who put me at the brink of going over, the one whom I love. I am still here for some reason ;) anyhow ill post more later, ciao

03.13.07 another day, im not entirely sure why im destined for misery. ill have it posted that i did all that i could to marry both megan and then sarah. nothing came of both, i did try though. both victims of the apparent crowley curse, well thats over at least. i didnt make whoredom cool for all of ones friends, and i didnt cause children to be born with autism. those demons are not my doing. anyhow, ill post later. ciao

03.11.07 tia Lupina had surgery last week, now she has a temporary catheter. i had one one istilled on christmas day. that sucked, but it could be worse i suppose. im older, but i feel no smarter. oh well, i guess. anyhow, ill post more later. ciao

03.07.07 wow time flies, grandmother turns 70 on 03.08.07. Sarah thought that this living thing only involved her, its okay cause i dont think ill be here long. well, at least I gave this death attempt more thought. gosh i hate my life, anyhow ill post more possibly later. ciao for now.

02.26.07 im 27 and i still feel teenish :) that is something bound into my soul i suppose, grandma turns 70 on 3/8. should be great, my tia Lupina is having surgery someday before then => it will go well, God willing. ive 2 more sessions of chemo remaining. should go well, i hope. ciao for now :)

02.17.07 well, its 2007. i cant even believe that its 2007. im 27 which is amazing considering im supposed to be dead :) ive been legally dead twice that i know of, but im still here. it matters not that i predict the future to ssome degree, i told her that they didnt want her for her lovely presence. oh well, anyhow ill tty all later. ciao

02.05.07 happy birthday to me? im 27, still not married and far too single to speak of. at very least i can say that i gave my all, and she was NeVeR second. She knows damn well who i speak of. at least Sarah was there for me, like a true friend should be. you and the world should know that in 18 months ive never fucked her, but perhaps i should have? im unsure because you only turn 27 once with this aging b.s. i dont really know how to explain that maybe, just maybe i should be dead. this living thing just isnt for me, ill show you and the rest of this freak show though. that dont and didnt just pick a random beaner at random to let into some of this nations most decorated schools, yeah im that beaner! I would have married Sarah by now, but shes crazier than i am. anyhow, for all that read, ciao for now i think.

02.03.07 its a few days til i turn 27, im just sitting around drinking my Heineken beer. my ex felt the need to reguard this as my "blog" i hate to make her acknowledge this, but this is a "webpage" that i wrote from scratch before blogs existed. anyway, ill hear from you all later, ciao

01.28.07 well we went to a nice italian restaurant across from the parks mall in arlington, it was nice. i finally heard back from MEH. i suppose 5.5 years means nothing, i gave my all. i suppose though that it doesnt matter as long as her happiness is kept first and foremost. she should know that i never purposely said any bad thing about her. i got my nipples re-pierced today. 3 or four times is the charm, hehe we went with plain old 10 gauge. the piercer was good, no b.s. she just said breath, it was fast and easy. in and out, very nice establishment. a bit pricey, but clean. anyhow ill post more later. ciao

01.24.07 weird adjusting to the idea that i may be alone until i stop breathing, but here i am. a reborn virgin until i find the one again... i taught my brother how to build a computer and we had fun :) ill be 27 in less than 2 weeks. shelley is taking me to get my nipples pierced again, third time i think, i forget. anyhow, enough for now. ciao

01.08.07 wow, i just noticed that i was using 06 as the year on the last couple of entries. in any case, i met one of my sisters work friends and she was nice. too much for me, but nice. im waiting on sears to tell me that they have lost my watch, 3 months on a battery change is bordering obscene to say the least. last night i went out with my sis and her husband, we had fun. fedexed my ebay bussiness stuff and got dinner. anywho, enough for now. ciao

01.06.07 its the weekend, as usual the cowboys lost and the mavs are on a 12 game win streak. dunno what will come of this game that we call life. im still depressed, but im better now than i was. i suppose that one learns in this manner. anywho, ill chat with whoever still reads this later. ciao

12.18.06 well, i just got back in town and i suppose ive been busy. spent over a week at my brothers. bought more r.a.m for my p.c. some pants at eddie bauer and um... my brothers daughter now knows me by name :) yay, i suppose. anywho, ill chat with you all later. ciao

12.02.06 wow its been a month, all ive been doing is downloading movies and music. the surgery i had last month is doing well i think, the derma bond (skin glue) is almost ready for removal. i finally got an xbox 360, its fun to look at. i suppose that all is well. anywho, ill write more later. ciao

11.05.06 wow, i had surgery on 11/02/06 they installed a med port. ill add a picture later, its neat. its a medical port installed to facilitate my chemo. so far it seems to be helping, dr. jordan believes that it might put my m.s. back into remission. that would truly be a dream, since ive apparently lived with m.s. my entire life. anywho, ill chat with whoever may read this later. ciao

10.30.06 im not yet exempt from remembering, my relationship with the one whom i trusted to be the ONE. so is life, i suppose... im bettter for the time being, i suppose. thursday i have surgery, im excited and somewhat scared :) ciao

10.16.06 wow, had a great weekend. not at all what i expected. went to hyenas comedy night club followed by bennigans. all of this was done with alex, marcella and our friend mario. hyenas was great, and bennigans was as well. i hadent seen my beautiful first love in years, since my brothers wedding (when i was still semi-normal). wow is the only word i can use to describe her. that doesnt matter though, what does matter is that i had fun. anywho, enough for now, ill post more later. ciao

10.12.06 hmmm... who knows. i suppose not i. hehe, girls just feel as though im a game. megan wanted to fuck more people, as far as i know so did sarah. must be a small town thing. i myself have not participated in that event since i was with megan. so is life i suppose, im still legally her husband i suppose. oh well, se la vi. i will write again later, ciao

10.06.06 since when is a fellow supposed to get things right? well, i suppose im not. Marcella is a ray of light, she always has been. im just unknowing and or stupid. well, at least im alive... dad showed me gramma and grandpa's passport today. i dont want them to go, but i know they must. oh well, enough for now. ciao

10.05.06 well, i got my electric chair. its a permobil a swedish import that cost my insurance 35,000 dollars, and my first love ever found me on myspace :) if all goes well she will be mine. im taking her to hyenas on the 13th, im excited. anywho ill post more later, ciao

09.23.06 today was nice, my aunt has been spoiling me rotten in the past few days. im only getting 1500 a month from ssi and dissability, but its better than 0. my tia (aunt) bought me about 1600 dollars worth of toys and dvds in the past week, today we spoiled seven (my cockatoo) and she bought stuff to set up some salt water aquariums im her house. tommorow, or today rather were gonna go abercrombie shopping and then to get james avery stuff. yay? hehe. talked to marcella espinoza today, havent spoken with her in years! my self proclaimed first love, i was a kid then, 4th grade through 7th grade, shes still beautiful and quite eye and ear catching. we talked about the olden days for an hour or so. anywho, enough for now. ciao

09.12.06 well its been a while since i was on, but im alive :) disability is now working for me. last thing left for me to take care of is ssi, waiting on chemo and my 35,000 dollar swedish wheelchair. i guess i have a girlfriend, at least i know shes a good friend at times. oh well, she used to be good to me and i suppose thats worth something. she finally got what she wanted and is treating it like its worth nada. oh well, ciao for now.

07.11.06 hmmm, i guess ive been looking forward to that dissability appointment cause ive not slept. i updated my memories page, stayed up watching stupid movies. hmmm... 7 am now, i think ill watch more stupid movies. ciao for now.

07.09.06 its my cousins birthday, jessica :) shes 14 today. hmmm just a couple more days and i get to meet with medicare/social security. hopefully all goes well, but i know not to get my hopes up. still havent seen Sarah to give her her birthday gifts, its ok. one learns where they place in ones life this way i suppose. oh well, megan did it, its only fitting to get it from sarah. im still looking i guess. every time i set my heart on a person they turn out to be a nay... well enough for now, ciao.

07.07.06 its been almost a month, i had succesful surgery :) im better than i was, by far. i traded my fair health for a closeness to normality i guess. i can no longer walk, maybe after chemo since doc mcintosh wants to start that. i thought sarah was real, but it appears otherwise for the time being... oh well i guess, you should buy chris carrabas new album dusk and summer. it is quite amazing, im a pussy though or so i hear. well enough for now, ciao.

06.13.06 i swear yesterday was the last time i updated my journal. 9 days to go till surgery :) im excited, and after surgery im gonna get my medicare into place. after that dad is going with me to get a new acura, or a lexus doesnt matter just something nice that i can drive. hmmm... odd wanting to live more than i want to die. dont really have much to post, x-men 3 was definitely good or at least better than i expected. well, enough for now. ciao.

06.09.06 hmmm, odd how time flies. it seems that just yesterday i posted an entry. better for me i suppose, im doing my best to try to put my past where it is. surgery in a few days, im exited :) i can go back to stripping for money. just kidding, i guess ive stabled some from the past. odd how someone can hurt you so much, and not have any idea that theyre doing it. oh well, im working past that, trying to at least. i figure i have a few years left, not past killing myself but in not in such a hurry :) Sarah helps make my life liveable. i wish i could start over, so i would know what not to do. i guess that would be cheating :) oh well, enough thought for now. ciao.

06.02.06 wow, another 20 days and the good doctor will cut me open and attempt to take me back to semi-normal :) . whatever that means. well i sat and thought long and hard, the best that i could come up with is that she was never second... guess you have to know me and my life to know what the hell i speak of. im still trying to replace her, its hard to erase time. anywho, im not sure Sarah can replace what i had, not CAN but will. i want her there its just a matter of what she wants, i know that people should pursue their dreams. whether or not she wants me there is the question. well, thats all i have. ciao.

05.30.06 second entry today, i just found out that on the 22nd im having surgery :) thats all i have, im just excited. ciao.

05.30.06 another day, spent the night aquiring the cars greatest hits, journey's greatest hits, and pink floyd stuff... guess i was bored, that and concerned. i dont know if Sarah truly loves me, i mean she says she does and in the past she acted as though nothing else mattered. now shes the opposite, i guess it just brings back memories of a past love. anywho, thats enough whining for now. ciao

05.29.06 less than a month before surgery. have about 2 weeks, doc hasnt given me an exact date. havent actually been excited about anything in quite some time. a new found glory perhaps? since sarah and i decided to be together i am better, in general i guess. we have a wedding date planned now, well marriage day at least. a day that only comes once every thousand years. tuesday, july 7th of 2007. 07.07.07 the number makes me happy at least, it may just be a dream but at least i have dreams now. that may be all that i have, but it makes me smile from time to time. its just a day right now, but it will be more one day. well, thats enough for now. ciao.

05.28.06 well, time just passes. saw sarah yesterday, she was just as pretty as i remember. shes well, starts her new job tuesday. im alright i guess, this being depressed thing sucks. i have no way to control it, just let it go through its ups and downs. anywho thats all i have for now. ciao.

05.27.06 hmmm.... i was supposed to see the woman that took me for what im worth friday night, but as usual nothing happened. anywho, good things happen to those that are patient. anywho thats it, its 6 am and im really not up for writing. ciao for now.

05.25.06 3 weeks or so until the doc attempts to reverse the surgery he performed a few months ago. he said that theres a good chance that once he splits me open all will go as planned, but he did say that until that happens its up in the air. im fine with that i guess, i just dont want to complicate sarah's or my life. in any case, in ready for it. anywho its 4:47 a.m. and i should attempt to rest. well, ciao.

05.17.06 my fiance' got a new job today! im excited, she starts in 2 weeks. Sarah is going to be a bank teller :) shes happy, and her sis had a baby a couple of days ago. so things are at least exciting for now. im sick as hell as of today :( it came up today, sore throat and runny nose. well, it could be worse i guess. im going to see my surgeon today, he will hopefully have good news about my ability or inability to have surgery. well, enough for now. ciao.

05.16.06 its been a while since i wrote... same old nothing going on. dd and benny are coming to see me, that brings some happiness to my mind. just another day and i go to the doc, hopefully he will have good news. downloaded the new built to spill album, wow its new but it still brought back memories from a better time. oh well, enough for now. ciao.

05.02.06 im not so hell bent on death anymore... in a month or less im going back to surgery, which is fine. surgery is painful, but i get fun drugs. my father and i sat and talked till 3am tonight, seems that he really wants me alive. he doesnt want my mom around so much anymore which is good, shes kinda a bitch. an old friends mom was the same, but its hard to get to the point where you hate your mom. oh well, enough for now... ill figure out what im doing here b4 too long. ciao.

04.30.06 no one really cares that im here, i know that i dont. i just didnt want my father to have to worry about my final expenses. truly though i know theres enough money in the family. whatever, i think that for the most part it will be a clean death, so whats wrong with that? well, ciao.

04.29.06 i just watched "under the tuscan sun", had never heard of it... surprised me at the very least. im lonely as hell, but i dont think that someone isnt out there for me, i mean if i can somehow manage to stay alive... its hard, i cant and wont lie about that. i dont want to be here anymore, cant lie about that either. whatever? had a pretty angry argument with the woman who gave birth to me tonight, she knows i hate her. dad told me that hes on my side, that helps. i downloaded the new goo goo dolls album, its not bad. brings back memories from my past... well, its 6:30am and i dont sleep much so i think ill lay down. solo, but im getting used to being solo and its becoming less difficult to deal with. ive been thinking, we never got married but we kinda went through a divorce. sadly my friend who met the man who was also a friend and married him is divorcing now... wtf? maybe we just met the ones we thought were forever at a cursed time... anywho, ciao.

04.28.06 im still having trouble dealing with my own bitterness. i dont know if im just destined to be an example for the people that have purposely hurt me. i mean, ive successfully killed myself twice. my misery can't be weighed, its kind of immesurable, at least to me it is. my father and i went to the store and got an 18 of heineken, thats at least a friend thats there without vanishing. ive tried reading the bible to help with my misery, but nothing seems to help... i wish there was a solution. the only fix ive ever had has come in the way of a friend, theyve all gone away... except margaret and jenny, im thankful that theyve somewhat helped with my misery. i have no idea what to do to deal with this, i really dont. first i lost the girl who i thought i was gonna marry, then i lost the other girl i wanted to be with. bff's arent forever, i know that i can give myself in entireity and it never seems to be enough. ive tried patience, prayer and everything else yet its not enough. anywho thats enough crying, ciao.

04.26.06 "the heart knoweth his own bitterness; and a stranger doth not intermeddle with his joy." thats proverbs 14:10, i found it fitting for my feelings. ciao.

04.25.06 well, this being old thing sucks. tis ok though, ive got a really good friend... she turned out to be the right girl a few years ago... anywho on may 2nd i have a pre exam and on the 4th another exam. ill be damned if i get buried this way :) anywho, ciao.

04.24.06 wow, i actually found a girl that i can definitely be in love with. ill update you on it when i learn more, shes gonna call me from work tommorow which will only be the second time i talk to her! im excited, she said that my dissability doesnt have anything to do with who i am... enough said? ciao.

04.22.06 ive already been on today, well last night since sleep isnt in my itinerary. how i manage to find the cruelest coldest people to be part of my life, i dunno. i honestly believe that if two people are meant to be toether they will be. ciao.

04.22.06 doesnt really matter anymore, life i mean. im alright with it, and waiting for something meaningfull to happen in my life. im not in such a rush to die so much, thats not to say that i wouldnt take an opportunity without thought if it came to me. oh well, ciao.

04.18.06 i was gifted the chronicles of narnia on tuesday, very enjoyable like it was when i read it as a child. i dont really understand why people dont stay true to their word, not anymore. i am sure that im worth someones time, ill find that person that isnt afraid of me or themselves one day. well im over wanting to die, for now at least. ciao.

04.17.06 wow, this life game is a coaster... i love my family, my margaret, several people in my life... the ones that arent fairweather friends, well i guess that this is the way one learns. well it stings, but im glad i learned... dying isnt such a big urge at the moment, im kinda content for the moment... sigh. ciao.

04.15.06 margaret thinks that its because of the idea that my girlfriends keep dissapearing that i want to die. thats not true, try handing your soul to a person and having them vanish as though hide and seek were in effect. i could care less about it being my girlfriend, its about the person who i believed to be my soulmate dissepearing repeatedly. yeah so what if im overly emmotional? its called being bipolar, i dont control my emmotions just as i cant really control my body. i know what i want, they keep vanishing. if you tell me that im your best friend act like it! dont act as if im a secret. hate me and act like it! fucking a! im good for that, its one thing that im good for i promise :( ciao.

04.15.06 well i almost had a girlfriend, cant blame her. i guess i really am a handfull. she needs not be happy anyhow she has a lifetime of joy that she brought upon herself already. well, i guess im back to this downward spiral. no person can help me with it, so what? who is left with my curse? no one, not for long. ciao.

04.11.06 i have a girlfriend now :) yay me. anywho thats a big deal to me, ill figure this life crap out. hmmm, i got nothing. anywho, thats all for now. ciao.

04.07.06 well, the old camp director just called. no good news, im on the do not rehire list from my old days, oh well. everything else is the same i guess. anywho enough for now, ciao,

04.06.06 things are looking up, i dont really want to die so much right now. i went to the doctor today, in 2 weeks he will tell me if and when he can undo this surgery. umm....., oh yeah i got a job, it only pays 400 a week but its residual income. my aunt took me to lunch at my old stomping grounds bennigans, it was great. hopefully i get the other job that ive had in the past, as a camp councelor. i kinda need the support, non-helpful friends have kinda set me back a bit. oh well, so is life. anywho thats it for now, ciao.

04.03.06 wow, im still alive. i dont see why the people that ive done harm in the past still want me here. well i can truthfully say that this is hard still being here. anywho, ill hopefully update on the status of things soon. oh and thanks sarah. ciao.

03.26.06 since people want to be as disposable as they make me im gonna help them to the best of my ability. so the people that have done this to me can now expect nothing from me :) here goes? i shouldnt even say ciao, but in tradition. ciao.

03.26.06 i guess you truly have to open your eyes to see the things around you that should matter. A. Megan threw me out to pursue greater things. B. Sarah did the same, even though we didnt have a 4 plus year relationship to speak of it still hurt. C. Im gonna die no matter what it takes, i just needed the fuel to be rekindled. D. i learned this multiple choice crap from Megan, thanks. Ciao.

03.24.06 things are looking up in more ways than 1, my family, even my mom is doing what best they can do to be there for me. Sarah reappeared, that made me very happy. its no fun having no support from someone that you consider a true friend. anywho thats all for now. ciao.

03.22.06 man i hate this crap. what i once called life is just endless torture. my girlfriend and best friend dissappeared. my dear friend did the same shortly afterwards. am i poisonous? I didnt used to be, its almost funny they think theyre doing good things to me. all i do is think of different ways i can die, its kinda funny what ive come up with... oh well. ciao.

03.22.06 wow the days go by so slowly, more now that ive been tossed in more than 1 way... its like being slapped for being bi-polar. i cant control the things i was cursed with, but its my fault... :( just tears, loneliness and pain from here on out. ciao.

03.15.06 another day... more wishes of my own death build within myself. ooh i got some new albums that are quite good, mae, the story of the year, and best of all an instant top 10 band.... jack's mannequin. the 2005-2006ish albums. anywho, thats all for now, ciao.

03.14.06 shit! that stings. my girlfriend took off running and didnt look back, no goodbye no see you later... guess i deserved it. even my best friend, or at least the 1 i considered that dissapeared. its not as though i didnt tell each of them that i needed them. the first moreso than the latter, oh well... a girl who i hurt in my youth, but now lives 1 million miles away has been an angel to me... oh well, i guess you take what is deserved, i had fun. ciao.

03.10.06 its an odd feeling being disposable. odd, but at this stage fitting. crying with noone to support you sucks, oh well. ill be gone soon if all goes as planned. sigh... i just have to act as though everything is fine until im gone, well they balanced my mood swings... now im on a permanent low, yay? anywho, ciao.

03.08.06 wow, eventful day in my life. i was doing ok, i thought. now im back to square 1, i wanna die. how do 3 friends wipe themselves from my life in no time.it hurts a lot, but i can only hope that when im gone they each kick themselves... i thought you werent supposed to kick the support out from under a psycho suicidal depressed person. oh well, ciao.

03.07.06 i still want to die. mix the love of my life gone with current conditions and you get a vodka sour gone really bad. well one good thing is they all want to overmedicate me, little do they know about the mind of one smarter than most. oh well, enough talk of my own death... hmmm, not much else to talk about. ciao for now.

03.04.06 wow... 2 moves in 2 months. i live in fort worth again. still lonely as hell, ooh im going to grandmas bd party later. oh and i met a friend of my sisters, she works at coach and shes getting me an ipod case from there. 88 dollars for free, yes please. anywho, enough for now. ciao.

02.25.06 another day... nothing really that i can say. i take that back, theres lots to be said. she can say that it was my family that drove her away, but in 4 and 1/2 years she never let family come between us. besides even before she had the family excuse she had dessecrated what we had by choosing her "friends" over me on my own birthday. so take your pride and jam it between your legs megan, you ended us without so much as a breath towards trying to save us... thanks. hmmm in other news im planning to go back to work, or at least try to. alex is gonna try to get my belongings back, try being the operative term. Sarah has been a selfless blessing to my life :) shes my best friend with boobs :p well, enough yapping. ciao.

02.21.06 man life stinks, i was dead according to doctors. how i got there doesnt matter, anyhow drug rehab and a bi-polar diagnosis says that i should be on lithium. megan dissapeared, sarah appeared and helped make things bearable. still there isnt enough drugs to make me want to live. i dont know why people wont just let me die, i had fun...... ciao, for now i guess.

02.07.06 hmmm, guess it lasted less time than i thought.... well it was good while it lasted. ciao.

02.06.06 wow, ive never had a nicer birthday. i saw all of my family that matters i guess and just had a great time. the only one that i would have loved to see even though she truly is a bitter pill, had no interest in showing. well i guess its what one deserves after having given all of themself to the person whom they expected to be faithful... karma i guess. anywho, i should be seeing family more often, now that they know exactly where to find me. okay so bi-polar or not, they gave me a high that will hopefully take a little while to fall from. ciao.

02.05.06 wow, im 26 today. hmmm, its hard to want to die when you have a family like my own. cant say that im sad about it either, im actually happy. i went to a turkish independant film with my friend sky last night, had a great time :) ciao

02.01.06 im alive i guess. thats a start, 6am and i have yet to sleep. i think ill stick around to see what comes of me. dad is coming today, hes going to bring my sis from what i understand. nothing exciting here in round rock, texas. anywho, ciao.

01.31.06 hmmm, five days i guess. had red lobster for dinner, was ok i guess. better than i remember. not much to say, ill be a senior citizen soon. ciao.

01.30.06 wow, the countdown to 26 begins. six days to go, i think. miserable experience here i go :). crazy how people find a way to avoid you when you turn out to be handicapped... oh well, doesnt matter any more, i guess. ciao.

01.29.06 so i went to a different neurologist so avoid chemo, its been a year and he says that no matter what we have to force the m.s. into remision... whoa is me i guess. this game of life sucks. what do you do when the girl whom your in love with is so busy with her own life to care what happens to you? thats me own funeral i guess. i still cant escape the overwhelming need to die, i thought i had... oh well i guess. ciao.

01.25.06 well i'm here finally in a place that i dont worry about who my girlfriend is gonna fuck. so maybe she wasnt doing any of her "friends" she sure as hell acted as if she was, hurt me and definitely forced us so far apart that i can donate the song "thank you" which is on my music page without feeling bad. thank you megan, listen closely to the words in that song. anywho, none of my real friends ever left my side. what kind of "soulmate" leaves her significant other to rot in the hospital during the hardest time of his life. anywho all of my real friends helped pull me out of whatever hole you helped me into megan. thanks honestly for actually saving my life. sorry to anyone who read this its a bit angry, but im still human and alive i guess. anywho, ciao.

01.19.06 im moving into my brothers house in round rock. no friends nearby, well shelley except shes married now. i still kinda have a girlfriend, although we arent really together. i plan on staying alive, those are the terms my brother set so i can live here. i love him and his wife and child. anywho thats it for today, ciao.

01.02.06 wow, ive been at my brothers house for a few days, i like it there. i miss my friends, and my girlfriend especially. im alive once again because of her, geez she wont even let me die in peace. they all figure its a good thing. everything still sucks, but now im in a safer place? whatever i guess. anywho, happy new years. ill post when time permits. ciao.

12.27.2005 well i didnt think it would come to this, but i tried once before and my beautiful not so beautiful girlfriend called the ambulance and cut my coma short. i didnt think it would hurt too much to say bye this time. this time it wont be cut short. thanks to all of my friends, maybe ill see ya in another life. ciao.

12.04.2005 i now know what it means to have a new found glory, at least i feel like i know. Megan does this to me all the time, just never quite this way, she told me yesterday that shes still in love with me, this came as a bit of a shocker after she said she wasnt, but yay me. anywho, i dont think she cares about my journal, thats okay. It is always here. anyhow, ciao.

12.04.2005 weird day yesterday, Megan admited she lied to me, she said she was still in love with me, but said she was upset with me and she had to tell me that, i told her the same thing after all her bally who with those guys, i guess we're even. bah i guess, i just want us to be happy again, the way we used to be. no more news reallyi guess you know when someone is in love when they only talk about the other person every moment they get. thats me. well, im done for today, ciao.

12.01.2005 december finally just a handful of months and i get to go back for more surgery. ill be glad when it happens maybe the love of my life will be happy too. Megan is going through some large quantity of personal issues right now, theres nothing i can do to help which is the worst part. my good friend sarah who was actually present from the first day she could be at the hospital until i left tells me that we will be fine, Megan and i. i really hope shes right, anywho im gonna crash. ciao.

11.25.2005 so what the hell does one do with the perfect girlfriend that thinks its okay to treat you like shit? im sure she knows theres something wrong, at least she should she drives me completely mad and wonders why i react so sporadically. karma i tell you, and its not done with me. i would say all is en route to normality, but im still dead to my girlfriend, and she doesnt seem to care that i have needs. well, cia.

11.20.2005 i actually had a nice day, without megan, didnt speak to her, spend a dollar on her as i usually do. i actually spent time with a friend who picked me up, holy shit, pushed me around in a wheelchair, and ive never and will never consider making love to. hmmm... tommorow should be crap, nothing planned, on well. i had nothing planned today, but it worked out. can hardly believe my girlfriend doesnt/hasnt made an attempt to see me in i dont even know how long its been. hope all my friends are well (the ones that act as though im alive i mean) ciao.

11.16.2005 wow, time just vanishes. seems yesterday i had a dog, a happy mate, and everything had no direction but up. now im struggling to keep myself alive. its not that my health is so bad just yet, i just dont want to live. dont have my girl or my dog. jacks gone, im just a bad owner, i still kind of have Megan, my breath stops when hers does. i just dont know how to act, and she doesnt seem to either. i want none other though, she holds my heart, soul, entire being. oh well, we will see what comes of me and my feelings. would help if she shared the way she used to. ciao.

11.12.2005 my health sucks, flu this time. if im lucky i die, but my luck isnt than good. my gf is queen frigid, she sucks worse than my health, couldnt get into pharm school, but since med school is easier and her dirty colombian friend, skippy the clown is going with her she will be fine. everything else is the same. goodluck to all. ciao.

10.26.2005 last couple of days sucked, couldnt goto work, slept on the floor one day cause i fell there, didnt goto a show with my girlfriend, coheed and cambria who i introduced her to. well she was having fun, that is all that really matters. well, im gonna crash. ciao.

10.24.05 things are okay i guess. megan is sick, so i get to be sick with her. i hope she gets better soon, she seems to be legitimately in love with me (kind of) and my friend sarah seems to be seriously not wanting to be my friend because of it. oh well i guess. i just wish someone would treat me like i was worth their time, so far i got most of nothing. well, ciao.

10.13.05 well it seems like the love of my life wants to continue what we had, or at least thats how shes acting, yay me. i mean she was frigid for a good while, but she came over a while tonight and i dont think ive had a more perfect kiss.... i know, its just a kiss, but it was so much more than that. in any case, we will see what happens. hmmmm, its late and i should attempt to sleep. ciao.

10.08.05 another day gone, i acomplished nothing, was nice and relaxing though. never know when Megan will be mine again, soon i hope. sadly shes all i think about. anywho, its tonyas birthday, yesterday hectors. maybe ill get to goto hectors bday party tommorow. all together im okay i guess, just tryin to work through my depression, as usual. anywho, i guess ill try to sleep. ciao.

10.07.05 its crazy how time flies, work is great now. thursday sucked, i had another one of those days where my spine didnt work, so i had to call in. i just layed in bed cause there was nothing i could do. Megan came over for a bit, crazy how when youre in love the most minimal things mean the world to you.... im certain that her friends and or family have told her not to be with me. thats why im still waiting for her to decide im okay, even though ill never be okay. her father is being great, i guess i only need 1 besides her, and i really only need her to see that she wants to be with me. things are better in conversations between us, thats good enough for me for now i guess. its hectors bday today 26. i guess 30 is coming fast. anywho its 4 a.m. im gonna try to catch a wink of sleep. ciao.

10.02.05 wow, i go back to work tommorow..... im ready i guess, ive felt useless for a month. Megan and I seem to be doing better. we're working things out i hope. I love my father, tonight we talked and cried together for a while, about Megan, and life. Among other things, but honestly those are the things that matter most to me. Hector and Megan both came over today, it was nice. anywho, i should try to sleep since it is 4:15. ciao.

10.01.05 wow september ended. well im still alive and i hope to make it through my new demons. for one, losing the one that still holds my heart... two this colostomy thing is unpleasant to say the least. just a year i have to remind myself. most importantly though i feel like part of my heart is gone, i love Megan so much, i just wish she could realize that. if im lucky my shortcomings mixed with hers wont cost me what i love most. ive been ebaying, i guess like mad, a month in the hospital makes you miss the silliest crap. my family and friends have been amazing through this, the hardest part of my life thus far. thank you all, crazy how the stupidest crap will pull you out of a suicide craze... oh well, i really wanted to see what was on the other side, another day though. night. ciao.

09.27.05 wow, i was in the hospital just a few days shy of a month, emergency surgery and all. im alive. thats the extent of my wellness. the one i love is jerking away with fury, thats the best way i can put it, usually i thought a life changing surgery brought loved ones together, but i got the direct opposite, its not worth going into cause i get in trouble for bringing the truth to light, and that would further my distance. sadly, im still head over heals and i cant not be. oh well, ciao.

08.29.05 so i wonder... how am i supposed to deal with my own demons? i cant, or at least ive proven time and time again that i dont do well on my own. my beautiful ex-girlfriend will never understand that its normal to be jealous when some stranger takes her out repeatedly, and thats why shes my ex.... she was all i wanted from life. now she seems to be my curse. i wont say i dont want her back, but i can say that with her new lifestyle i cant have her back. its not as though she would take me back anyway. so even after all thats happened in the past month i still love her more than anything on this god forsaken planet, not that i believe theres a god... but i guess im just using it as a figure of speach. anywho, ciao.

08.29.05 its not as though it was ever a secret what i wanted, or it was ever a secret that im more sensitive than most people in this world..... i take things with much more meaning than most people would, at least i dont keep that a secret. if people would listen to me instead of playing deaf they would have some clue of the things that are obvious to me. i have a best friend now that i dont want to be with because i dont love her like that, but if she is worlds better than what i had in the last what seems to be lifetime, i should consider that a serious option even if the thought of that makes me uneasy because its not what i wanted...... im at the point in my life where i dont have time to bullshit with the things that matter, for all i know im dead tommorow, hell maybe today. anywho, ciao.

08.27.05 well i guess she was done with me, and so ill tuck my tail between my legs and sail away. i cant believe shes so clueless. why the fuck would you call the man that you told just yesterday that you wanted to work things out and tell him today something that you know hurts him? why would someone that swore they loved you stab you repeatedly? you know what though? i can do better than the girl i thought was perfect. someone will love me like love is meant to be, like it was before she became so vain she became hideous. so fuck you megan. ciao.

08.22.05 another day, i found out my good friend alex passed his exam and he is now a certified person :) i dont know how long it will take to get over the one that mattered most, but im working on it..... still cant believe that at the moment that mattered most to me she had the lack of respect for us to ask for clothes back, it wasnt expensive clothes either, had it been a wedding dress it would have made sense. well i guess she just wanted to stab at my heart once more for good times, well im trying to be done with that. it will just take time, and for now goodnight.

08.21.05 wow, 3 times 1 day there must be something wrong. hehe, im just using this as a crutch i guess, like the olden days. im glad i have good friends. even the ones that ive hurt at one point or another are better than they should be to me. im thankful to them for being friends. alright so the longest weekend ever ends tommorow. we shall see what it brings. goodnight to you all. ciao. 08.21.05 i think im done with the girl that cut out my heart. theres no reason to cry for something that caused more pain than i thought imaginable. im having a crap day as you can see i think this is the second entry for today. ciao.

08.21.05 alright im still alive and im trying to keep my whatever whateverish, hehe. thinking about it yeah megan had plans for a while for her weekend, but what about my 4 years of plans? se la vi. anywho nothing else to say at the moment. ciao.

08.20.05 here we are.... my fathers birthday way 08.19.05 and it was also the deathday of something i longed and cared for, for what would be 4 years on halloween. theres only so much you can do for someone so selfish and non-caring that it hurts. i tried my best, im sure that in a short time she will find someone that will appreciate her selfish beauty, i guess it just wasnt meant to be me...... and even after the breakup she could have salvaged it, but her "friend" was more important than a 4 year old relationship that was the breath of one persons life. ciao.

07.05.05 i built a super attractive, super fast, super pc this weekend, p4 3.2 gig processor, tsunami dream case, its just awesome, had a 4 day weekend, didnt want to go back to work, but on the 14th i get a 2 week vacation, thats gonna rule! oh and i only put 512 ram in it, but that wont last long, im gonna boost it to a gig. yay, im so excited about it, havent done that in a while. it was my recovery from losing jack, we gave him away to a better home, i couldnt take care of him anymore and for the first time in his life he had to live outside, he only did that for a month, i hope hes okay and happy. i cried when megan started driving away....guess i loved him a lot... anywho ciao.

06.15.05 finally my internet works reliably. the phone company had their heads up their arse's i guess. anywho, ive been here for a little over a week, tis different.... i miss living with megan, but we're working to make it pleasant. hmmm... ive had a good few days, physically i mean, i cant run or anything, but i'm having little trouble standing. still having to use the walker, but thats no biggie. dad built jack a really nice carpeted house and he lives outside now, hes sad as i am. anywho im gonna try to catch some shut-eye. ciao.

05.30.05 wow, time flies, i had no idea of the date until just now as i looked at the clock/calender on my computer. just a few days left i guess, 4 day weekend it coming to a close, monday morning 2:32 a.m. i dunno where time goes. now i sound like a senior citizen, dunno if ill make it to that status, but its a nice thought. it's becoming damn near impossible to do anything..... went out with my best friend (benny) and his beautiful wife (tonya) nice thought that i introduced them..... oh, and we went out to dinner with megan on saturday night, it was nice. hmmmmm..... looking at the slew of crap that i have to move and im saddened, mainly cause it puts a hault on my independence, and most of my personal space, lucky that i have great family that loves me more than they should..... i dunno, lots of times ive though... the only reason i havent killed myself is cause i havent saved my money well enough to make my dissapearance easy on my family.... i dont want to leave bills for my family.... the whole inconvenience thing would suck, and not good suck, bad suck. i have a great conversation with an old friend the other day, she still doesnt trust me at all, and she has no reason to, but she's been more than cordial to me, or more pleasant than i deserve... wow, making this one a long entry, i havent been able to do anything today, so i took 80mg of prednisone which is great, but the side effects suck, bad suck. being wired at 2:43 a.m. is an example of bad suck. anywho, i hope everyone is well, especially those that ive caused pain for in this life, im sure that things will work out for all of you though, or i hope. ciao.

05.21.05 moving in 2 weeks or less. megan had heart surgery today, was'nt open-heart, shes doing well. if all goes well overnight they will release her tommorow. don't have much exciting news to report, oh im resigning my walking or lack there of to a wheelchair. geez their expensive, im not gonna bother with insurance, ebay on the other hand i will bother with. anywho, thats it. ciao.

04.20.05 i have a doc's appointment the 28th, my third neurologist, can't say that i like the fourth, personality of a wet sock and all. im going to ask doctor mcintosh is he thinks the chemo is a good idea.... mainly im just a pussy, scared... anywho, we move out june 7th, new homes, each a different one, thats scary too. weve lived together almost 4 years. she deserves better anyway, if she ever realizes that im screwed, hehe. talked to margaret the other day, can't express how much of a weight it lifted. i miss her, she seems to be doing well. august 16th don't forget something that once mattered. anywho, i guess im doing well. had to start heavy doses of steroids again, had a bad episode, can't believe my loved ones let me drive, hehe, she is a standard, 6 speed at that. can't say i would listen if i was asked to stop driving, it's the thought that counts though, hehe. anywho, hope all is well. ciao.

03.13.05 sunday, not a bad day, once again. still havent started my new meds. i got myself a new phone saturday, i havent made an impulse buy like that in a while. its neat, sanyo 8200 in dark blue. yay. anywho, im well, so is everyone that i consider to be attached to me. hmmmmm.... nothing else for today, i should sleep. ciao.

03.09.05 today was a not bad day, i wont go so far as to call it a goodday. no major mishaps, i even walked a little while without a cane. just thought id share that with myself. maybe work will get better soon, it really sucks right now, all because everyone not including megan turned in their school schedules when school started, and they all happen to have the same bloody schedule. anywho..... just blowing off steam. ciao.

03.07.05 i dont really think than anyone reads this, i guess i just write to clear my mind. today was a good day, i didnt even have to use my A.K. hehe, j.k. i dont know if anyone knows what thats from. day 2 and no end to the hick-ups. i told the doc that i was pretty sure i had an allergy to the steroid he suggested giving me in the e.r. still gave it to me though, well good thing is im more mobile, bad thing is the hick-ups arent going anywhere, its been 48 hours now, im sure they will stop sometime, the last time i was given that medication they lasted 72 hours. well... thats pretty much all i have. ciao.

03.05.05 today was possibly the scariest day of my life yet.... i mean i was certainly scared shitless, i ended up in the e.r. i woke up this morning, and i just wanted to goto the bathroom and come back to sleep in, but i couldnt stand, i fell out of the bed despite help from megan, i ended up asking her to call 911. they came and picked me up, the ride sucked, they covered me with a paper sheet, lol. that wasnt the worst, i ended up at hugeley hospital at 9 am or so..... still unable to stand and the doc didnt have any explanation for it, i mean, possible reasons were the change of the rebif injection to full strength in the past 12 hours, another is the mix of the fever i was running with that medication thing with the zithromax zpack i had just started, i just hope this doesnt happen again...... sucked. anywho its 3:04 am, im afraid to sleep but i guess i will..... ciao.

02.28.05 wow, time just dissapears...... im 25 as of some days ago. i dont feel older, except physically. im now eligible for dissability. can't say that im happy about that. i just miss the things i used to own.... the physical mobility i mean. it's almost as if a curse has been cast on me. what are the odds that it end like this. anywho, my dog is getting older, its crazy how quickly time passes. oh ive got two bands that are new to me, yellowcard, and tsunami bomb, you should check them out. i had a ticket to the jimmy eat world show that past us up last month, they rescheduled for a tuesday, and so i passed it up, sucks...... they say depression is a disease... i dunno if i agree with that completely. i mean, i wasnt really depressed before this whole m.s. thing. hmmmmm.... there are so many things i love in this life... and i dont want to lose them, but i wonder if im just dragging them down. anywho, take it easy. ciao.

12.20.04 crazy how my timing is almost perfect, and not even planned, almost exactly the same day as i wrote last month. im not sure i understand this whole life thing. in a few days another year will pass me by, and i'll get to start again. things are okay i suppose, i hope that megan is doing well, our relationship is kind of on a plane of some sort, i mean things are just as they were, and im not sure if the same old is good or healthy, though im such a bore that i truly enjoy it. hmmmm.... jack and tommy are doing well i think, thats the dog and the cat, oh we got a cat. megan wanted one, and my dad didnt have enough time to devote to him so he gave us his cat, i know he was sad about it, but he said that tommy being with me, was just as if he was with him. hmmmm... worthless babble, but i guess it all is. ok so i made a decision with the help of my friend leslie, shes the one who has m.s. too, she and i have way different m.s. treatments, and mine apparently sucks. i cant make out a difference, i mean its a daily injection, and i cant even tell that its making a difference thats the copaxone. she is on rebif, its an injection as well, but every other day, and she can tell that it makes a difference. oh, the cash price of mine is about $1600.00 monthly, the one that shes on is about $6400.00 monthly, i dunno if thats just because its a better medication. i dunno, anything is worth a try. anywho, ciao. oh and by the way i still miss my friends.

11.30.04 i guess i should update my journal. so here goes, i have crap instead of luck it used to not like this. the monday after the vacation ended i got my new car raped by a flinstone van.... um, i mean, it was side swiped, and it was a hit and run :( i cant report it to the insurance cause i dont want to lose my insurance. my dad fixed up the side of the car that was hit the best that he could, he actually did a great job. anywho, im doing well i suppose. it seems that ive lost my friend toral, we had a discussion on the phone the other day on the phone, and i think i pissed her off. well i kept her friendship for as long as i could, and i love her dearly. anywho, stuff is okay enough. i miss shelley, i dunno if our trip did us any relationship good, it was a blast though. anywho, i guess thats all i have for now, ciao.

10.30.04 wow, time flies. guess you all get to hear from me at least one more time :p. i'm not complaining. tommorow is the anniversary of the event that changed my life. oh my vacation is quickly coming to an end, i go back to work on monday, but 6 days off for any reason are good. and so, i suppose i should tell you about my other half. we've found each other again, that was a close call though, both for us and myself. toral and i are doing not so well though, i dont suppose we're supposed to be. still i adore her patience and perseverance with me. she's a glutton for punishment though, and it doesnt matter what i say to try to give her solace she wont listen. reminds me of someone else that i love more than life. jack is doing well, the other day he had a near death experience, but im glad he lived. it looks as if tommorow im going to be a part of a musical show (when i say a part of i mean ill be there) and im very excited. hmmmmm.... so much that i could talk about, but i don't wanna. hehe, i met my new doctor last monday, very nice guy, he reminds me of me, similar sense of humor, but hes a doctor, and i am not. okay well ill stop punishing whoever might have found this page. ciao.

09.15.04 watching american beauty. megan did me that favor. suprisingly its the first time ive owned it. it is one of my favorite films ever. the dialog in this film is perfect, wow. spaceys character in this film is perfect, his dialog is exactly how i feel pretty much all of the time, except he gets an unplanned exit, and i dont know when mine will come, although, one like his would be wonderful. i dont know what it is, but i hate my life. anywho, im sure you will hear from me again, and ill talk to you later, not that anyone reads this. ciao.

09.14.04 hmmmm..... was'nt sure that would be around to post another day. i failed at suicide, seriously, but i think im glad... there may be something out there for me. ill let you know if i find it. its 5:26 and i just got in from my trip to denton. its monday morning, i guess morning, although i havent gone to bed, so its night for me. i went and saw red tonight, we talked all night. well, a lot of the night, it was really great to click with someone other that my family for once. hmmm, should the entry end here? or should i continue to ramble? i cant believe i didnt drift off during the drive, i worked over 10 hours! hehe, its cool though, i didnt want to, but i really thought megan would hate her life if i had left, we did almost 400 new prescriptions today, which is great for bussiness, bad for us though, since we're barely staffed. anywho, i guess ill let you go. ciao.

08.31.04 again. i dunno whats wrong with me, i dont know if its just me, or if the person who ive decided to give up everything for is just terribly selfish..... i mean, ive never made a friend that i would sacrifice anything for, anything, that wasnt worthy of meeting the one that i pretended to love...... goddamnit... alright, im just bitching, escuse. escuse. should i be a part of something that causes me so much heart ache? or is it just me, i dont mean to over react, its just that everything is fine, and i do stuff most girls would love, have loved, and i get ripped...

08.31.04 wow, its amazing how low a persons belongings can bring them, i mean.... seriously a few months ago the sky way the limit, i can deal with the m.s. its hard, what i cant deal with is crappy abandonement that doesnt seem to be worth anything to anyone but me.... id like to think that all of my selfless attention over the years will bring me something other than this. im just wrong though, always am, and i never know best..... i stole that from someone, the phrase i mean, but i think it suits me best, anywho, email me if you feel compelled, or you can phone me, whatever, im not getting anything out of this damn journal, its just fun to keep myself informed of how i feel, in writing..... ciao.

08.30.04 noone reads this shit, but it gives me a chance to speak freely i guess... things are getting better, guess ill tell you what i did in the last 15 days, i dont think i talked to many people about it, but i moved out, and i almost killed myself, the only reason im really here is because megan asked me to not kill myself, i know it sounds retarded, but if you fell over multiple times a day just trying to get across the room, you would understand..... anywho, im alive, don't really want to be, i love megan, she's the only reason i stayed.... i love a few other ppl. but i dont have a bond with them like i should, my fault of course. anywho, ciao.

08.15.04 last few days have been hell..... it doesnt make sense, i feel as though she loves me, but is torn between me and at least one of her friends thats obsessed with her in a similar fashion as i am. i can't say enough to make that sound reasonable, but i have to keep my hole shut or i risk losing the very thing i breath for...... sigh. i dont think anyone can understand how i feel, except for the old men that have been married for 50 years, because at least then, they have an inkling of understanding about how much i love her, and how far i would walk for her. anywho, i saw some old friends today, and i was with megan a lot of the day, im at me apartment for a little while, i get to drop her off at work in the morning, then its back to the proverbial shits for a few more days. i can only hope that when all is said and done, im still standing somewhere near her, that will be her doing, one way or another, im just gonna hope that it goes back to normal, im tired of crying. anywho, ciao.

08.08.04 im going for the record! 2 nights in a row, and im still going, hehe, jk. anywho, stuff is okay, nothing exciting today, i re-arranged the closet today, and um, i can't remember what else i did so thats it for you, talk to you later, ciao.

08.07.04 its been a long few days since i last wrote, today the lo-jack ppl came to install a vehicle recovery system, and my brother (super-cop) says that the trooper cars in austin all have receivers for them, so my car is traceable. yesterday was long for me, im pretty sure i need some sort of intervention, or a heavy dosage of anti-depressants, although i feel unimpressed by the idea of being doped up on medication, i just think theres no reason i should want this all to end so much. im sure ill get over this one day, or at least i hope so, cause my new car is so much fun to drive! hehe, anywho......... ciao.

08.02.04 just got in from a long crappy road trip with the parental figures. i wont go into detail, but it sucked, hehe. anywho, stuff is okay i guess, barely that, but ill live im sure. the super car definitely gets props for saving tons of money/gas on the trip, and its way more fun to drive. anywho, ciao.

07.29.04 alright so this M.S. bullshit sucks with no doubt, my truck was almost payed for, but after falling while trying to mount it one too many times, i said bye to it.... sob... anywho, i guess ill be okay without it, i bought a sports car in its place, but its fun to drive as well so im thinking the process of recovery is well on its way. anywho, we're doing well here in arlington. myself, megan and jack that is. see ya' later, ciao.

07.11.04 just sitting up past my bedtime as usual, things are okay... i hate m.s. seriously, hatred! hehe, anywho megan and i are doing well i guess, jacks doing well,, pretty much just doing well..... new place is awesome! im not sure how much longer megan's gonna put up with me... um... we went out with hector and sue for her bday this weekend, it was great fun! we saw anchorman afterwards, awful, but hillarious, hehe, wait for video :) anywho, thanks for reading guys, ciao.

05.21.2004 here we go again. its the ass crack of dawn, but im still up :) just realized my computers calendar was a month off, hehe. im moving on the 8th of the coming month.(june) i can tell you guys are excited, we are, moving to be closer to megans school. anywho, doing well, cant complain, well i could.... but it doesnt seem to make much of a difference. anywho, you all sleep well.

02.27.2004 another day, i dont really feel like i have anyone to talk to. only this journal serves as a vent. i dont update it often enough, i think ill change that. i dont really feel like i have the trust in my other half that i should have, i mean, theres nothing about my life that i wont share with her, but it feels like she locks me out as frequently as possible. oh well, ive had some bad hands at this game (life) another would just make it consistent. in any case, ill talk to you later.

01.26.2004 it's the new year, well i kind of missed the mark by a few days, but you get the point. megan and i just watched the butterfly effect. wow. i got a new tattoo last week, or maybe it was the week before? i dunno, time is so easily lost. megan turned 21 on the 21st of january, and this saturday we went down to tonya and benny, all of us got sloppy ass drunk, except the birthday girl. i dunno what the deal is, she reminds me a lot of me, i think we may both be bi-polar. anywho, if youre reading this i may have another friend i dont know about, or maybe you have a secret crush on me, whatever the case may be, its cool that youre here. see ya later. (maybe)

10.04.2003 guess i should update this in case i have any fans that are still waiting for an update. i am now a pharmacy technician, if i decide that this is the life for me maybe ill goto pharm school and take a shot at the pharmacist thing. i have been diagnosed with M.S. as of a week from today, and i'm still trying to figure out what to think about it all. megan and myself are doing great, we say that one day we're gonna get married. the day will come. anywho, thats it for tonight. ciao.

11.29.2002 it's been a few days since i payed any attention to this. been a little busy with life. all is good. it's about 2 in the morning, thanksgiving was just a few hours ago. sitting around listening to midtown :) wonder how everyone is? hope all of you peeps are doing okay. ive made some good friends over the years. bet you all thought i was dead (hehe, no such luck) megan and i are doing great here in fort worth. we're getting a pug soon. hmmmm... oh, one of my cousins is getting married friday. i'm working so i wont get to make it to the festivities. my sis says shes getting married too. cool i guess. wonder how my old friend jay is doing, if i didnt hate his mom, and i knew she didnt hate me we might still be in touch. hope youre doing alright bud. sara is in san fracisco, hope youre doing great out there :) anywho, maybe ill start updating this thing more often. ciao.

07.29.2002 alright, another update, im moving again, gonna move to be closer to home. my parents need the help/attention right now so we're going to move to fort worth. umm...... thats it. bye.

07.25.2002 alright, i hated my job for a little while there so i QUIT :) anywho, im doing okay. everythings good. got the new counting crows album, and you should too. (its really really great) besides that not much going on. alright, cioa.

07.07.2002 a day with double 7's, couldnt miss writing today, its been a while.. things pretty much the same, good. um.... my parents are getting better, dad still cant walk. work is good. i think megan and i are getting the master bedroom at some point, at that time we will be going from good to great. lots more room to put the shit we keep on buying :) anywho, bye.

05.10.2002 im working at the denton rehab and nursing center now. hmmm.... not much else going on. bye.

05.05.2002 shit, its been a while, guess a lot has happened, most importantly 3 fingers on my left hand have almost no sensation now. i live in a kick ass house with tonya, benny, megan, josh, sara(red), matt, melissa, and jay for the next week. after that jay will move back home and its pretty doubtful that we will ever see him again. i got a job at denton rehab, and megan got a job too. everything is okay i guess. megan and i are doing well. tonya and benny are talking about marriage. hmm..... what else? got the new midtown cd, its awesome. well, gotta go. ciao.

04.08.2002 lots has happened since i last wrote, most annoyingly ive lost sensation in two fingers of my left hand. im not going to work with jay next semester because jays mom is the devil. im moving in with benny and tonya. both my parents are really sick right now, it sucks, but i can't do anything about it. i got tickets to the get up kids :) may 26. life is okay. just okay. anywho, bye.

03.25.2002 spring break was fun, i stayed in crowley with megan and her mom. got lots of sleep! added another amp to the super truck, it now has 4 140watt 6 1/2inch pioneers, 2 alpine amps, and a 12 inch kenwood sub. sounds great :) um.... bought my mom a stove during the break, its really nice. hmmmmmm.... thats about it, not much to say really, ill type more when i get time. ciao.

03.03.2002 it was a great weekend. went to the dashboard/anniversary show. it was amazing. saturday night march second we went to the valve show. there was this really great band opening for them, the southpaw preachers. i got to talk to josh for a long while. we talked about times past and music. it was really awesome. sadly him and patty have parted, but he says theyre on speaking terms now. he came over before they actually started their set and apologized in advance for any suckage that might occur. he turned 21 last week and this was his first show ever drunk. it was a lot of fun, megan and i got the new 3 song ep which is really fucking good. anywho. ciao.

02.19.2002 does'nt feel much different being 22, everything is pretty much the same. benny and tonya are doing well i suppose. jay is doing well. megan and i are doing well. hmmmm... what else is left? i got new speakers for my truck, i figured it would be a good idea to add new speakers since i got a new stereo, it sounds really great. theres not much exciting going on. anywho, ciao.

02.05.2002 happy birthday to me! im 22, its pretty exciting. yesterday toral and sara came by to visit, it was fun. um.... megan is taking me out to lunch today, and besides that i have nothing planned. life is good. no complications. no untrustworthy friends. life is turning out to be okay. anyway, im 22 now. yay. im going to update the downloadable songs now, add some new stuff.

01.25.2002 just got back from seeing black hawk down. so far this year ive only watched really great movies in the theatre. black hawk down, and the lord of the rings. my bday came early this year, megan got us tickets to the dashboard confessional/ the anniversary show on march 1st. in addition to that i got a mini-disc player!! im pretty excited about that. um.... theres not much to tell about recent stuff. benny and tonya are still together. megan and i are still very much together. jay is um... still jay. anywho, thats enough for now.

01.09.2002 i guess i'll add the first entry for the new year to let everyone who cares know that im still alive :) had a great winter break. went camping in oklahoma with my best friends, all except jay. um.... spent it with megan and her mom. (i have my own room here at her house in crowley) the super truck is still super :) thats my new truck for those of you that dont know. megan and i are doing really well :) i'm gonna add more pictures of us/her when i get the chance. anyway, thats all i have to say really.

12.08.2001 its jays birthday, happy 20th my friend. going on a camping trip for break, oklahoma, beavers bend :) it should be awesome, its just going to be benny, megan, and myself. after that we're going to go to my ranch and kill more innocent animals, this time tonya is going to tag along, we think.

11.29.2001 the hunting trip was awesome, took the new truck out there and had a great time. benny killed a bird, a bunny, and a deer. we went to the weezer/jimmy eat world concert and that kicked ass! um... going to the mavs game, just me and jay, its his birthday present.

11.21.2001 going hunting, taking the new truck out to the ranch and going hunting with benny and megan. should be fun :)

11.16.2001 jay's still sick, he now has a feeding tube, his heart rate rises so much that it causes him to have chest pain, it really sucks. i have'nt worked in almost a week because he's been sick. megan and i are officially together now :) anywho, gotta run.

11.06.2001 jay's sick, has'nt really recovered from our lapse with pneumonia. i hope he gets better. we went to camp, all 3 of us, this last weekend and had fun. jay lost a permanent tooth and was in pain for a major part of it, for some reason bad luck seems to plague us. bad memories at camp, but maybe this next summer will help me to deal with those. my supposed best friend told me that people thought i was faking being sick, which was fine i guess except when i asked the people who thought i was faking they said they did'nt say that they thought i was faking. so i guess if theres anyone who does, fuck you. going on a hunting trip with benny for thanksgiving, going to take the new truck out there and see if we can't kill us a deer. haha, sound like im a goddamn redneck. well, we've been busy and drunk a lot so its hard to keep up with this thing, but i'm still trying. ciao.

10.23.2001 its been difficult keeping this thing updated, we're just so busy all the time. the weekend session at camp was really awesome, jay, benny, and myself all went to it. they asked us to come back, all three of us, to the next weekend session, so thats what we're doing in 2 weeks. benny's 24th birthday was friday, it was nice being at camp, but when we got back we went to our favorite eatery and had lots of beer. megan drove us back home from bennigans cause we drank too much :) hehe. hmmmmm... oh we went and got piercings and tattoos. tonya and benny and taku all got tattoos. jay and myself got some new piercings. jay now has both eye brows pierced, and he just got his nipples done. i got another rook piercing. so now i guess im up to 12, and 7 tattoos. my next 3 should be fun, since ive already planned them out. i just need a paycheck :) anywho, ill write later.

10.16.2001 the drunken haze that has been the first half of this month has been nothing less than interesting. last night our room got r.a. raided and they tried to make us give them our liquor, we said no, but we took it to the van. they carded everyone and wrote everyones names down, because there were minors present. benny was going nuts, yelling at them and shit, it was so fucking funny. i think that jay is getting written up, which is really funny since he doesnt actually have the ability to drink without the help of another person. um.... gosh, nothing much at all going on in my life, working. trying to plan out the rest of my life, haha, that sounds so funny. anyway, i'll write later.

10.09.2001 we've spent so much time in the hospital because jay got pneumonia. not much time to get online so this journal is lacking, i guess. i got a new cell phone today, its awesome. new number 940 300 4850.

10.02.2001 just another day at clark hall, jay's sick so it makes everything kind of difficult, especially for him. benny's credit got turned down for the new bike, but im still getting mine in a couple of weeks and benny too hopefully soon. days just kind of melt together now, thankfully the weather is changing though.

9.30.2001 just writing to remind myself that im still alive. lots of drinking going on this weekend so theres not much recollection. having fun, hanging out, jay got another eye brow piercing today, i held his head, again. benny is getting a tattoo wednesday, we got an appointment today. anywho, guess ill write later.

9.23.2001 just another uneventful sunday. what can i say? nothing happened today. i don't even think i had any memorable thoughts today, so i'll call it a day.

9.22.2001 saturday. boys night out, we went to state club and had some pitchers. afterwards we went to scott's and smoked out, benny, scott, vince, and myself. oh yeah, and we saw headbanger boogie tonight, theyre pretty damn good. anyway its really late/early so its bedtime.

9.21.2001 went to see modest mouse play at ridglea theatre. i drove out to ridglea theatre in fort worth with mikey, scott, taku, jay and benny. we had a blast. im pretty tired now so i dont know if i can write too much more. benny is doing a lot better. it helps that he's trying to fix his friendship with liz, as much as i dislike her. hmmm... we have no idea what we're going to do the rest of the weekend, drinking is a good guess though.

9.20.2001 thursday. it's thursday morning, so i guess nothing's really happened today, but for the last few days i guess time has been at a stand still here at clark hall. it was'nt so long ago that benny started to date that girl.... a couple of nights ago i guess she decided that she could just be careless with his heart and she broke up with him. it was'nt so much the break up that affected him i dont think. its the way she did it. she told him that he was just at the right place at the right time, and that it was only an infatuation. oh yeah, and i guess i should mention that she told benny that she was going to get back with her ex cause she still loves him. whatever. now i feel bad for envying him, because he had this one little thing that made him happy for such a little period of time, but it wasnt even real, and now i feel like a jerk cause he deserves so much more than that.... ive never seen benny cry before this week. i hope i never see him cry again, its too much to handle seeing your best friend cry. i wish i had the answers to the questions he has. so i guess clark hall is a bad place to be.... being able to point out the places where things happen. walking by the rooms where you once loved someone. benny doesnt think he's going to stay too much longer. i can't say that i don't envy him on that note. i'm not strong enough to leave jay though. i love him and really theres no way you could make me stop taking care of him unless he wanted it himself. i would like to leave someday, and just relocate. no specific place in mind, but ive seen colorado and its a site for sore eyes.... anyway i guess thats enough for now.

9.12.2001 happy birthday sara! i hope your life is all you want it to be. good luck with your boyfriend's :) today was a good day i guess, no more terrorist attacks. we arent sure what the death tole is, but it's a lot... benny and i are completely broke since we have'nt been paid since we got here. we've been living on 49 cent cheeseburgers from burger king, lol. we should be okay soon enough though.

9.11.2001 today was not a good day.... it feels like someone has taken something away from me. i guess its only a matter of time before the world ends. i can't believe that this actually happened. i woke up at 9 and the first thing i saw was the world trade center on fire... and for the next few hours i watched in disbelief as the attack became the worst terrorist attack in the history of our country... i dont know how to feel about this really... jay and i are doing well. benny has a girlfriend now so we dont see so much of him anymore, im so glad he's happy and that he has someone to share himself with.

9.10.2001 the concert was really fun, and amazing at the same time. when train was played it was like being driven through time... when they played drops of jupiter i could'nt stop the tears and they just ran down my face. i did'nt expect matchbox to have any affect on me, but when they played bent i started crying... just before the last song they played the i think i already lost you song i lost it and just bawled... i guess any show that can have that kind of affect on you is worth the time. it was great.

9.9.2001 sunday, its the first day of football season, and also train/matchbox 20 day, im excited about seeing train. anyway its weird, benny and i have been talking a lot about stuff lately, and we have this weird feeling of uselessness.... both of us just feel really crappy. we decided that part of that was just feeling lonely, and the other part was that we drink too much :) we're going to try to work on this, although very very recently him and liz are getting along extremely well, and since she just broke up with her boyfriend there might be something there. she's not good enough for him, but i think that would be the same with any girl... benny is an amazing person, and hes been through a lot in his life, just to see him happy would make my life that much better, i hope this works out. 1 down(almost), and um.... 3 to go? jay, mikey, and myself... only time will tell. sara is doing well, shes back with alex and um... they're an interesting couple. she came over yesterday and had me buy her booes so she could get wasted with her friends. jacob left today, not until after he re-stocked our bar though, this we appreciated greatly.

9.8.2001 have'nt had a chance to write in a while, wes came down for a couple for a couple of days, we went shopping and just had some fun. tommorow jay, tonya, myself and one of her friends are going to matchbox 20 and train, its going to be a kick ass show. anyway i'll update you more when im sober :) oh yeah and jacob is staying with us for a couple of days so theres an even better reason to stay drunk.

9.5.2001 today was pretty good i guess. then i got this instant message from amanda. she accused me of breaking into my ex girlfriends i.m. account and changing the password and the email to which the password is mailed. i didnt have the heart to suggest that perhaps in the midst of all her sneaking around she might have changed the password herself and forgotten about it. if she could just realize that the world doesnt revolve around her she might be okay. damnit, how can someone be so selfish? why is she still lingering around giving me a queezy stomach? anyway i suppose thats enough bitching for now... sara's coming over in a little while so i guess ill clean up.

9.4.2001 just another day at clark hall. we did'nt do much today, slept way late, woke up and watched jay study, hehe.

9.3.2001 we slept until 3pm or so. then we just hung out. we watched some movies and its about to be bed time. i must say, it was a rather uneventful sunday.

9.2.2001 today was a good day. tcu played unt, we lost of course. scott's 21st birthday was tonight, we had a blast, benny and jay and i all went to the party together. we were too drunk to drive home so this hot sober girl drove us home, hehe. we stayed till about 5am and came back and had some late night taco cabana. anyway it was a good day.

9.1.2001 just another day, jacob is staying with us for a couple of days so we partied some, we were going to goto the polyphonic spree show, but we're all broke, so no go. there are so many things i want to write about, but i can never seem to bring myself to it. i dont want to appear like a depressed attention seeker, so i guess thats why i use this as my outlet. a few weeks ago, while i was home, my sister told me about life at home. i have'nt lived at home for quite some time, but it turns out both my parents are on anti-depressants. everything that seemed to be stable, even if i already knew there was some trouble there, isnt. the constants are no longer constant, none of them. everything that's ever been constant in my life just is'nt. in some way, at some point in time, everything i've ever truly loved has fucked me over. i suppose this makes it impossible to see the point to all of this. this being life, and all the pain you have to go through for a chance at happiness. for some reason ive even wished that i was stupid. because if i was ignorant i could enjoy the bliss that comes with ignorance. if my only major problems in life were topical and trivial, i could really enjoy life. anyway, thats enough ranting and raving.

8.31.2001 i lost most of the journal i had accumulated since the last time i decided to write, but it never hurts to start again, so this is where it begins. not where it left off, but theres no way to fix that now. today was a day much like the past few, uneventful and boring, but at midnight or so it began to rain and i sat in the rain for as long as i could stand the shivering. i came inside a little while ago, and i bathed and shaved, and started working on my homepage, which is what im doing now, and since its 5am im going to bed now.