LIST OF BLACKBOARD OPENINGS

Last updated by Don Del Grande (del_gran@ix.netcom.com) on November 9, 1997

Episodes are listed in broadcast sequence
Episode numbers indicate the quote used when the episode was shown for the
first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was
"original" and the USA one was repeated

CORRECTIONS FROM EARLIER LISTS
8F21 was added to the list (thanks to Dominik Halas for catching this one on
a Canadian showing; it wasn't on any USA showings and isn't in the capsule
1F14 changed "deliciously" to "delightfully"
3F01 added the word "from"

   * 7G08 None - Christmas Special
   * 7G02 I will not waste chalk
   * 7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
   * 7G04 I will not burp in class
   * 7G06 I will not instigate revolution
   * 7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
   * 7G07 I did not see Elvis
   * 7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
   * 7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
   * 7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
   * 7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
   * 7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
   * 7F03x I will not fake my way through life
   * 7F02 Tar is not a plaything
   * 7F04 None - Halloween Special
   * 7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
   * 7F01* It's potato, not potatoe
   * 7F05 I will not trade pants with others
   * 7F08 I am not a 32 year old woman
   * 7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
   * 7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
   * 7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
   * 7F10* I will not sell school property
   * 7F11* I will not cut corners
   * 7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
   * 7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class
   * 7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
   * 7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
   * 7F14 Repeat of 7F10
   * 7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
   * 7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
   * 7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
   * 7F21* I will not show off
   * 7F22 I will not sleep through my education
   * 7F24 I am not a dentist
   * 8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
   * 7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
   * 8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
   * 8F03x I will not bribe Principal Skinner
   * 8F04* I will not squeak chalk
   * 8F05 I will finish what I sta
   * 8F02 None - Halloween Special
   * 8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
   * 8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
   * 8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
   * 8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
   * 8F11 I will not carve gods
   * 8F14 I will not spank others
   * 8F13 I will not aim for the head
   * 8F15* I will not barf unless I'm sick
   * 8F15x I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
   * 8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
   * 8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
   * 8F20 Funny noises are not funny
   * 8F21* I will not spin the turtle
   * 8F22 I will not snap bras
   * 8F23 I will not fake seizures
   * 8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
   * 8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
   * 9F01* I will not defame New Orleans
   * 9F02 I will not prescribe medication
   * 9F04 None - Halloween Special
   * 9F03* I will not bury the new kid
   * 9F05 I will not teach others to fly
   * 9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
   * 9F07 A burp is not an answer
   * 9F08 Teacher is not a leper
   * 9F09* Coffee is not for kids
   * 9F10 I will not eat things for money
   * 9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
   * 9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
   * 9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
   * 9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
   * 9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
   * 9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
   * 9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
   * 9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
   * 9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
   * 9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
   * 9F21* I will never win an Emmy
   * 9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
   * 1F04 None - Halloween Special
   * 1F07* All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
   * 1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
   * 1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
   * 1F11* My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
   * 1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
   * 1F14 I am not delightfully saucy
   * 1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
   * 1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
   * 1F18* I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
   * 1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
   * 1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major
     League Baseball
   * 1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
   * 1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
   * 1F17 Repeat of 9F17
   * 2F33 I will not use abbrev.
   * 2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
   * 2F03 None - Halloween Special
   * 2F04 I will not send lard through the mail
   * 2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed
   * 2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
   * 2F07 Repeat of 1F11
   * 2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
   * 2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
   * 2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
   * 2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
   * 2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
   * 2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person
   * 2F14 I will remember to take my medication
   * 2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place
   * 2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
   * 2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders
   * 2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy
   * 2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
   * 2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping
   * 2F16* This is not a clue...or is it?
   * 2F20* I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
   * 2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
   * 3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits
   * 3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine
   * 3F03 The boys room is not a water park
   * 3F04 None - Halloween Special
   * 3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
   * 3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
   * 3F31* I will only do this once a year
   * 3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
   * 3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos
  * 4F02 None - Halloween Special
   * 3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
   * 4F03 I am not my long-lost twin
    * 3G01* The truth is not out there
   * 4F08 I am not licensed to do anything
   * 4F10 None
   * 3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
    * 4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire
    * 4F20 None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
   * 3G02 I no longer want my MTV
   * 5F02 None - Halloween Special
   * 5F01 Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
   * 5F03 I did not invent Irish dancing

Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any
punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes. Openings are listed in
the order in which they were first shown, If an episode is not listed,
either it did not have a blackboard quote the first time it was shown, or it
used a repeated opening.

"x" after an episode number indicates it took place during the episode

     "*" indicates a note:
   * 7F01: This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan
     Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
   * 7F08: To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy
   * 7F10: Also used in 7F14 (the only episode so far to use a "repeated"
     blackboard opening in its first showing)
   * 7F11: It actually looks like this: I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS (followed by)
     " " " " " " and " " " " " "
   * 7F21: This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
   * 8F04: Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
   * 8F05: This appears on one line; the rest is blank
   * 8F15: Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she
     has to clap erasers
   * 8F21: This one did not appear in the original FAQ; thanks to Dominik
     Halas for catching this one during a recent Canadian repeat
   * 9F01: New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!"
   * 9F03: During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better
     child"
   * 9F09: Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a
     scrawl
   * 9F21: This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were
     announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy
     Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show has won "Best Animated Show"
     Emmys in the past)
   * 1F07: This was not written "line by line" like the others
   * 1F11: A reference to "The Fugitive"
   * 1F18: This was first used for the 100th new episode
   * 2F16: In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who
     shoots Mr. Burns
   * 2F20: In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed
   * 3F31: ...which is once a year too many for clip shows
   * 4F01: Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)
   * 3G01: A reference to "The X-Files"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don Del Grande, del_gran@ix.netcom.com
I will be glad episodes are in syndication at all and not complain
about the cuts (even though most of the good Maggie scenes are missing)