At some point, we all experience those momentary lapses of reason where we suddenly lose all control of logical thought processes and commit the most moronic of acts. Don't deny it--you're guilty, too! Having no pride, I'd like to share some of my own such moments:
Okay, we have all done this. You've got something in the oven, and so eager are
you to eat it that you reach into the oven without first putting on a oven mitt. I'm surprised I even have any skin
left on my hands.
One time when I was six, I wanted to cook a corn tortilla in the toaster. I took one
out of the freezer (don't ask why they were in there), and stuck it in the toaster. It was covered with little ice crystals, which
melted, and well, add water to a toaster and you know the outcome. There were scorch marks on the underside of the cabinet for years
until my mom had the kitchen remodeled.
Then once when I was 11, I was cutting a grapefruit, and saw that the blade was going right through
my thumb. Did I stop cutting? Of course not. I kept at it until I realized that I had sliced the pad of my thumb off. Then I started
screaming that I needed to go the hospital because I just knew I was going to get gangrene.
I was 18 when this one happened. More than old enough to know better. I was sick with strep throat
and had practically been near death for a week. The day I finally felt like eating something, the moron in me ruined it. My mom made me
a nice chicken pot pie. I was sitting on the couch, waiting for it to cool off, and I spotted the thermometer sitting on the end table.
"I wonder how hot my chicken pot pie is..." I stuck the thermometer in the pie and was actually shocked and astounded when it broke, due
to the heat. In my fevered illness, I had forgotten that a chicken pot pie just out of the oven is ten times hotter than the sun. I cried
because I ruined my chicken pot pie.
Just the other day at work I mindlessly reached into my purse for some eyedrops. I pulled a small bottle
out, uncapped it, and raised it to my eye. The strong scent of peppermint wafted to my nose and hey hey hey, just a minute peppermint breath
drops! Fate was watching out for me that day, my friend. I noticed my mistake just in time.
A couple of years ago, I was watching "Tommy Boy" with some friends. Allison brought me a popsicle from
the kitchen, so I had that in one hand and a cigarette in the other (no smoking for me now, though!). So enthralled was I was with Chris Farley,
that I accidentally stuck my lit cigarette in my mouth instead of the popsicle and burned the hell out of my tongue.
I recently needed to have my car maintenanced. So, I'm driving down the freeway past all the dealerships,
I see the sign that says "SERVICE" and turn in. I sit down in the office and start telling the woman helping me what had been done the last
time my Honda Accord was maintenanced. She looked at me like I was from another planet. "Is there a problem?" I asked. "Yes," she said,
"You need to go down the street a bit, to the Honda dealership." That is when I noticed the logo on her shirt that said "BAYWAY LINCOLN MERCURY."
I just remembered this recently. When I was four years old, my pre-school class was learning how to count
money. The teacher passed out cardboard coins and fake paper bills. When we finished with the lesson, I felt this weird compulsion wash over me
and I grabbed some of the cardboard pennies and went to the water fountain. When I got to the water fountain, I proceeded to eat the cardboard pennies.
They were not easy to get down. After I swallowed them, I felt so guilty. I felt like the teacher was going to know I ate the pennies. I felt
really guilty when my mom came to pick me up that day. I just knew that she was going to know what I had done. To this day I cannot figure out what
drove me to this barbaric act against the cardboard coins. I just looked at them and thought, "I have to eat those pennies!"
Well, that is about all I can think of right now. If you care to share your stupidity, please email me. I'll not only be laughing with you, but at you as well, because, hey, you're a moron.
Back to the beginning
Kiss This Guy
English to Jive Translator
Deep South Horoscopes
