Chapter 53 : Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

When Joey said that, I felt like she had just ripped my heart in half. We had shared so many things together. We had told each other every secret of our pasts and every hope of our future. We had confided that we wanted to get married and have children together. We hoped to become husband and wife and spend the rest of our natural lives together, but now she was telling me that she wasn’t sure if she loved me enough. After she said that, I must have gotten pretty pale, because Joey grabbed me and looked concerned.

“Taylor, you okay?”

“Okay? No, I’m not okay. You just told me something I never figured would come up. Something I figured wouldn’t have to come up because it was nonexistent. Joey, how could you say that to me? That’s the most awful thing I’ve ever heard coming from you. Are you saying that every word and moment we’ve had together is void? I mean, are all our conversations suddenly obsolete?”

“Taylor, I’m not going to lie to you. Lately, it’s felt like I was your little toy. You just take me out, dress me up and show me off and then take me home and play.”

“Joey, I don’t do that. I like to be with you, yes. Especially this intimately. I’m not even going to deny that sometimes my hormones definitely get the best of me. But when I talk to you, I feel that you know everything about me. You provoke my mind and challenge my ideals. You make me think about what I believe in and why I believe in it.”

“Yeah, so? I do that and what is your point? What are you doing? After I challenge your ideals you jump me and start groping!”

“I do not! And do not even try to say that I do! Joey, I love you more than anything in the world, but if you believe what you’re saying, then I don’t see a point to our relationship. I have put my needs on hold for the past five months, trying to make you feel comfortable and respected by me. If all that was for nothing, then this is never going to work. This relationship is over,” I hissed. I got up and ran out of the room and downstairs towards the door. I didn’t hear Joey call me back, I didn’t feel Zac grab my coat and ask me where I was going and I didn’t notice when my hat flew off my head when I got out the door. I started running blindly towards the farthest point from the party. Children carelessly trick-or-treating stared strangely as I ran across the street, not caring if there was traffic coming my way or not. I had just ended the relationship with the one I loved because she didn’t love me. It was the most painful thing I had done, yet almost the most rewarding.

After I was completely out of breath, I collapsed in a yard and looked up at the sky, tears forming in my eyes. I never realized I had enough strength to let someone like Joey go, but I knew if she didn’t love me, then our relationship couldn’t have been good for her. In my mind, I had done the right thing She needed to find someone she loved, not someone who was just there and comfortable to be around. It hurt me like hell to see it all end, but I knew that there was no other way I could have made her happy for the rest of her life.



Joey came downstairs, looking awfully stunned, and Taylor had just ripped through the house like he was being chased by a murderer. Zac was still baffled over how he could have ripped off a piece of Taylor’s jacket without Taylor even slowing a bit. I knew then that something was definitely wrong with them.

“Joey, did he hurt you?” I demanded quickly.

“In a way....he-he told me that we were breaking up....because I wasn’t sure if I loved him....I wasn’t sure I was ready to have sex because I didn’t know how much I loved him, and he broke up with me for it. He’s a jerk-off and I never want to talk to him again,” she said, still dazed from the goings-on. It was strange to hear her talk like that, because she was insulting him, but the way she talked sounded like she was explaining in wonderment some great and awesome phenomenon.

I couldn’t believe it. The two people we were absolutely sure would stay together until death did they part had broken up over sex. And that’s all it was. It was about sex and the fact that Taylor’s oversized ego made him think that since he was a big-time rock star he should be gettin some and he wasn’t. He was hungry for a whore, and I could tell that right away. I quickly told Zac the situation, but I was of course being rather biased since Joey was my friend and all, so Zac saw it the exact way I did. All three of us were pissed at Taylor and we all wanted to talk to him. Unfortuately, when Isaac would pick us up, we would be dropped off on the way home. “It’s almost time to go. Where’s Tim?” I asked.

“I’ll find him,” Joey volunteered. I knew in this state she could break down at any time, so I wasn’t going to let her.

“That’s okay, I’ll get him. Zac, watch Joey for me,” I directed as I plowed my way through a bunch of stoned teenagers. I was surprised to find Tim over in a corner, talking quite intimately with a girl. I sidled over and nudged him softly. “Tim, time to go.”

“Oh, okay. I guess I’ll see ya later Mary,” he hugged her.

“Call me, Tim,” she responded. She tried to stand, but she was too woozy. Apparently she had been hitting the booze a little too hard.

“Sure thing,” he nodded. We headed back over towards Joey and Zac who were starting out the door towards Isaac’s car. Once out there, we all hopped in and shut the door.

"Um, don’t you think you’re missing one?” Isaac laughed.

“No. He ran off. Drive around a little and see if you can find him,” I suggested.

“Okay,” the gas was depressed slightly and we began looking carefully around the neighborhood hoping to find the missing Hanson.


“Have you talked to him yet?” I asked Zac the next morning as we talked on the phone.

“Nope. He hasn’t woken up. Last night he was pretty shaken up, but I guess he deserves it. Maybe he’ll come around and realize what he’s just done.”

“I hope so. Well, I gotta go now, Mom and Bill are taking me and KJ out to breakfast. Try to talk to him, okay?”

“All right. Bye, I love you.”

“Love you, too. Bye.”



“Zac, have you seen the pepto-bismo?” I suddenly heard Taylor’s voice behind me.“It’s in the hall closet with the rest of the medicine, dork,” I growled at him. I had called Joey right after Kat just to check on her. From what I could tell, she was hoarse from crying and all she could was say was, “He was using me to get sex. That’s all he wanted from me. Even after he knew....he knew....” It tore my heart into pieces to hear her so broken up about what Taylor had done to her.

“Why are you so pissy?” Taylor asked as he proceeded towards the medicine. I got up from my seat on the couch where I had been doodling and followed him.

“Um, I don’t know. Maybe because you have turned Joey into your own emotional punching bag? Maybe because you broke her heart last night? Maybe because you broke up with her for the sake-” I looked around for parents and found none, “for the sake of sex?”

“What kind of bullshit is that?” Taylor spat after he had swallowed a capful of the nasty pink liquid.

“It came striaght from Joey. She came down the stairs totally dazed and hurt last night, and I just called her and all she would mumble was about how you did this even after you knew what had happened to her. It’s really low of you to do this. I may just be 12, but I know that sex is not a reason to leave a girl hanging!”
“The shit you’re talking is totally-”

“JORDAN TAYLOR HANSON! What did I just hear you say?!” Mom suddenly came around the corner. I was glad she had missed my little speech about sex.

“I was about to say--That shift you’re taking is totally too late to be working. We’re talking about the church fair.”

“Are you sure, because I could have sworn I heard you say--well, nevermind. But if I ever hear you cuss under this roof, you better believe that someone is going to be grounded!” she swatted Taylor on the head before leaving the hallway to us.

After he was sure it was clear, he continued, “Anyway, it’s not true. That’s not why I broke up with her. She said she didn’t love me.”

“Did she really, Taylor? Or are you just trying to get me on your side?”

“Really, Zac. That’s why I left so quick. She’s denied me sex before and it’s never bothered me. She would just say she wasn’t ready, but this time, she said she didn’t love me so she couldn’t.”

“That makes this a lot different.”

Suddenly I felt stupid for thinking That Tay would actually break up with Joey over sex after 5 months of coupledom. Now, I was mad at Joey for thinking that as well. I would have to explain all this to Kat when she called.


“You mean she said she didn’t love him?” Kat asked, kind of confused.
“Yep. He wanted to go all the way and she said she didn’t love him, so she couldn’t.” I told her.

“Oh, Man. Joey is in so much trouble, now I’ve gotta go gripe her out,” Kat grumbled.

“Are you gonna call me back?”

“Yeah,” she mumbled.

“Okay. Talk to you later.”

Chapter 53: The Great Fall of Joey

It had only been a day since he dropped me, but it felt like about a year. I hadn’t talked to him, seen him or heard about him from anyone. I just sat in my room, waiting by the phone, hoping he’d call. I knew that I couldn’t do anything about it because he had broken up with me. I was sad, but I wasn’t desperate enough to fix a problem that he had created.

When the phone rang, I picked it up on the first ring.

“Taylor?”

“No, it’s Kat, and Joey’s got to tell me the truth.”

“The truth? I already told you,” I wondered what she was getting at.

“Why did you tell Tay you didn’t love him?”

“What?! I never said that!”

“Then what did you say?”

“I told him when he was trying to get me to have sex that I wasn’t sure that I loved him enough. I didn’t want to do that with him and regret it, Kat. I love Taylor still and I always have. I’m just not sure that I love him enough to give him the one thing I can never get back,” I explained my reasoning as best I could, hoping Kat would understand.

“Oh...I’m sorry I jumped on your back like that. I should have known Zac would have gotten the wrong story.”

“It’s okay. I guess Taylor’s just as hurt as I am, but mostly it’s just his ego instead of his heart. He’ll be fine soon, and then he’ll come back.”

“But what if he doesn’t?”

“If he doesn’t?” I repeated. I hadn’t thought about that. For the past five months, Taylor took every bit of steam I vented off without complaint. I didn’t know what I would do without that extra help all the time. I felt like the world was suddenly caving in on me, and Taylor was using his foot to cause it all. I was being crushed. I hadn’t thought about the fact that Taylor was the one that held all the power. I felt that it wasn’t my place to apologize for this, and if he didn’t want to, either, we would both at fault for the demise of our relationship.

“Yeah, Joey. What if he doesn’t? You know there’s always two sides to it, no matter how thin it’s sliced. And there’s definitely another and more painful side to this situation.”

“I....I don’t even want to think about that right now. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later,” I put the phone down before even letting Kat say goodbye. Tears were forming in my eyes already. I had sworn that I’d never lose my self-control over a guy, but it was impossible. He was my world for the past five months and now my world was mad at me. I felt like I was suddenly cast away from everything I ever knew. I was alone and cold and I had lost my whole life. I felt shriveled inside and suddenly everything seemed to be spinning. I crouched down to the floor in my room and grasped desperately at the carpeting. I began shaking and went into a cold sweat. I couldn’t focus and I felt like throwing up but couldn’t gain enough stability to pull myself to my feet. Air seemed harder and harder to find as I tried to breath. My heart was beating so fast, I was afraid I was going to have an actual heart attack. Fear clenched me when I couldn’t call out for anyone. I was alone, and I had no idea what was happening to me. Overcome by my physical incapability, I lost consciousness.



“I can not believe Joey and Kat!” Zac pounded his fist on a table.

“Neither can I. Saying you’re not sure if you love someone ENOUGH and not loving them is practically the same thing! It’s saying that your love isn’t good for that person!” I agreed. Now we were both mad at our girlfriends. Actually, Zac was mad at his girlfriend and I was mad at my ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. I winced every time that I thought of that. For so long, Joey had been my girlfriend, and no one really knew it but our families and Kat.

“Tay, are we still announcing our dating status tomorrow at the press conference?” Zac had mentioned several days earlier that we should tell the public about our girlfriends and we had all agreed to do it. Two days after Halloween, so the day after I broke up with my girlfriend, I was going to announce that I was officially single and my 12 year-old brother was going to tell of his girlfriend and so was my ape of an older brother. It was sad. Not that I’m better than either of them, but I do have more fans. It’s only logical that I would have a girlfriend.

“Yeah, I guess. Why were we having a press conference, anyway?” I wondered aloud. Half the time I didn’t even know why I was talking to the press.

“To officially announce that we’re leaving in a month to do the new album. Remember?”

“Oh yeah. And we’ll announce it then?”

“Yep. You know, Tay, if it makes you feel better, you could say that you just broke up with your girlfriend instead of just saying you were single.”

“Nah,” I was surprised at how well Zac knew me, but I wouldn’t give Joey the satisifaction of me mentioning her to anyone.

“Okay. It’s your choice,” Zac shrugged. I sat down on the bed and opened up a BMX magazine, drooling over the new bikes. I couldn’t wait until Christmas. Dad had promised me a brand new bike since my old one got hit by a car in the street. Not that we couldn’t afford it now, but Dad wanted to give me something I really wanted for Christmas.

I was disturbed about ten minutes later by the phone. I picked it up, hoping it was someone telling us the conference would have to be cancelled because the location burned down.

“Hello?”

“Taylor? This is Mrs. Baldwin. I have favor to ask you. Do you think you or Isaac or your mother or father could come over here and watch the children?”

“Probably. When?”

“Now. Please?”

I thought a moment. Mom had taken Jessie, Avie and Mackie to the park. Dad was working in his office. Isaac was working on his car. I was the only one available and I didn’t want to be in a house with so many reminders of Joey. “Can’t you get anyone else?”

“No, everyone else I know is either not home or tied up. Please Taylor. We need someone really bad.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll be there in a few minutes,” I sighed.

“Hurry,” she said. From the sound of her voice, not only did she need me to be there, it vital to her.

“Why do you need me so bad, Mrs. Baldwin?” I asked curiously. “Why couldn’t Joey do it?”

“Taylor, honey, Joey is the reason we need you. She’s at the hospital right now.”



I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. I was sitting in a house watching children when the girl I loved could be dying at that very moment. It was the most nerve-wracking thing I had experienced for a long time. All the older kids were engrossed in a movie and Abby and Amanda were taking a nap, so I was left to my raging thoughts. When I knew I couldn't handle it anymore, I decided I would have to find out one way or another what was wrong with Joey. Joey’s mother and father never explained why they were taking Joey to the hospital, and I never saw her because her father had already taken her to the hospital when I arrived.
I went to the phone and started flipping through the phone book. I found the number for the hospital and began to dial. Before the call went through, I hung up. I realized that they weren’t going to give out information on a patient when you weren’t even at the hospital. Mom had found that out when trying to learn of Joey’s mother’s condition when she was in labor with the girls and was worried.

I returned to my post of watching the children. They were oblivious to the fact that their older sister was ill. Joey’s parents had agreed it would be best for me if they didn’t worry the children. They simply said they were going out for a little while to run some errands. Apparently they hadn’t seen Joey’s condition before she left.

After what seemed like ten years, the phone rang. I checked the clock. I had only been there an hour, but it could still be her parents. I dashed to the phone and picked it up before the second ring. “Hello?”

“Taylor, it’s Joey’s mother. I just figured you would want to know why she was here. I just realized that you didn’t know what was going on. Joey just got out of the emergency room and is in her own room now. Apparently she had an anxiety attack. She hasn’t told us why yet. She muttered something about how she doesn’t want to make anyone mad at her for it. Do you have any clue what her problem could have been?”


I literally felt my conscience and my heart collide. I knew I should tell her, but in my heart, I didn’t want to admit to everyone that it was over between Joey and I. I knew it was probably imperative that she know, though. “Mrs. Baldwin....It’s me. I’m the reason. I broke up with Joey yesterday,” I admitted quietly.

“Oh my gosh. I had no idea. Why?”

“Well, it’s really complicated. Is Joey going to be okay?”

“The doctor is pretty sure she’ll be fine. This is the first time anything like this has happened to Joey. She’s never had a panic attack before, so the doctor is just going to observe her overnight just in case. Then, tomorrow she’ll get some pills and will just have to get plenty of rest and lessen the stress somehow. The doctor also recommended therapy, but right now, our budget is just too tight to afford it. I don’t think Joey would like seeing a shrink all that much either.”

“So Joey’s never had this problem?” I asked her to repeat her previous statement. I couldn’t be the whole reason that Joey got physically ill, could I? If she didn’t love me, why would she be so paniced over me? Maybe it wasn’t me. I couldn’t know for sure, but other than our break-up Kat hadn’t mentioned any other problems in Joey’s life.

Thinking about it was so strange. I had cause her to break down. I had caused her to go to the emergency room by saying a few words. I had such control over her life and I didn’t even know it at the time.

“Nope. Anyway, Taylor would you please talk to her?”

“Did you miss the fact that I said I was the cause of all this?” I asked disbelieving.

“Taylor, if you breaking up with her was the cause, maybe you could apologize. I’m not saying you should get back together, but at least talk to her. If you just make some amends with her, maybe this won’t happen again.”

“I can’t do that, Mrs. Baldwin. I love Joey, but I can’t talk to her. Not yet. I’m not ready to talk to her now.”

“Okay, fine, but please, as soon as possible try to talk to her. I don’t want to see this happen again. It was terrifying to see her so....inherent. She was shaking and sweating and throwing up....Taylor, please, just talk to her as soon as you can.”

“Okay,” I promised. It pained me to hear that Joey was so sick. It hurt me to know that I wasn’t there. I was the cause of it and I coudn’t even help her. It pained me so much, but I knew there wasn’t much I couldn’t do about it.

Chapters 55 and 56
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