All Red Dwarf fans know that Kryten is obsessed by the Space Corps Directives. He feels that breaking them would be a most serious crime. Just before Rimmer contracted the Hex Virus (RDV - Quarantine) Kryten furnished him with a hologramatic copy of all directives. Since then Rimmer has also been obsessed by these directives although he often gets them wrong. For his sake we here at The Short Crimson Page are publishing the space corps directives so you'll never make any embarassing mistakes again...
The Space Corps Directive states, "It is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home"
Space Corp Directive 003 - By joining Star Corps. each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life, liberty, and adequate toilet facilities.
Space Corps Directive 147 - Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel except on production of a permit. Permits can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden from issuing them except on production of a permit.
Space Corps Directive 195- In an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.
Space Corps Directive 349 - Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension rights.
Space Corps Directive 592 - In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be granted to whichever officer can program a VCR.
Space Corps directive 595 - Allows you to keep people in Quarantine for a period of 3 months, however if the people can use Space Corps Directive 699 to demand a re-screening after five days, if no trace of diease is found they can leave Quarantine.
Space Corps directive 597 - One berth per registered crew member.
Space Corps Directive 723 - Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.
Space Corps Directive 997 - Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.
"Why does he only ever use them against me? Why never against Lister? Why do we never hear him quoting a Space Corps directive to clearly state "No crewmember should floss his teeth with the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk"? We never hear that one, do we?" - Rimmer, Quarantine.
Space Corp Directive 1694 - During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about any crewmember whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.
Space Corps Directive 1742 - No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in a ginger toupee.
Space Corp Directive 1743 - No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid belt without deflectors.
Space Corp Directive 5796 - No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples
Space Corps Directive 7214 - To perserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts.
Space Corps Directive 7713 - The log must be kept up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission data, and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card.
Space Corps Directive 34124 - No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity.
Space Corps Directive 43872 - Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.
Space Corp Directive 68250 - We don't actually know what it is but we do know that it is "impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi."
Space Corp Directive 196156 - Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the excercise bicycle in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.
All Nations Agreement 39436175880932/B - All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.
All Nations Agreement 39436175880932/C - All POW's have the right to non-violent constraint.
Rimmer Directives
One Rimmer Directive states, "Never tangle with anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"
Rimmer Directive 271 - No chance you metal bastard. (Click on underlined text to hear/download Rimmer Directive 271! wav file - 59416 bytes)
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