Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys." Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are. "Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job." Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you." Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"
There was this woman and she was pregnant with triplets. Well, one night she was with her husband at a restaurant and they finished dinner. So they walked out to the car and a gang drove by and did a drive-by shooting. Well the woman got shot 3 times. All the babies lived. So the three boys were born. 16 years later the first born comes out and says "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." The woman answered "Honey, it's okay." She explained the story to him. Then her second son came to her, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." The mother then explained the story to him. Well the third son came out and said "Mom, I have to tell you something." The mom said "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son answered "No, I was whacking off and I accidently shot the dog!"
It's Saturday night and the superheroes are having a party. Everyone is going to be there. Batman, Robin, Spider Man, The Hulk, the whole group. Superman is especially ready to party after a hard week of saving the world. So he throws on his cape and heads off. Along the way, he passes Wonder Woman's penthouse suite. To his surprise, he sees through her open window that she is still at home, naked, lying with her legs apart. Feeling a bit in the mood, he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly in there, have sex with her and be gone before she knows it." So in an instant, Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies back out, with a great big smile on his face. At this point, Wonder Woman sits up and says, "Did you hear something?" No," replies the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me.
This gay guy is in the doctor's office when the doc comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but you have contracted HIV". The gay guy is immediately shocked and says, "doc, doc, what should I do?". The doctor says, "Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. Tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then eat all of the fresh fruit you can eat. Just keep eating and drinking the whole time you stay down there." So the gay guy is a little confused, and asks, "So is all that going to help?" The doc says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is used for."
Some of these are from Dave's JOTD-http://www.freeyellow.com/members/jenent/just4fun.html