It is possible that the most individual and international, social and economic collisions
Ogden Nash
Result from humanity's being divided into two main divisions.
Both of which are irreconcilable.
And neither is by the other beguilable
Their lives are spent in mutual interference
And yet you cannot tell them apart by their outward appearance.
Instead the only way in which you are able to tell one group from the other
Is to observe them at the table.
Because the only visible way in which one group from the other varies,
Is in the treatment of the cream and sugar on cereal and berries.
Group A, which we will call the Swozzlers
Because it is a very suitable name I deem
First applies the sugar, then swozzles it all over the place
Pouring on the cream;
And as fast as they pour the sugar on, they swozzle it away
but such thriftlessness means nothing to ruthless egotists like they.
They just continue to scoop and swozzle and swozzle and scoop,
Until there is nothing left for the Snodgrasses or second group.
A Snodgrass is a kind handsome intelligent person
Who pours on the cream first
And then deftly sprinkles the sugar over the cereal or berries
After they have been properly immersed,
Thus assuring himself that the sugar will remain on the cereal and berries
Where it can do some good--which is his wish
Instead of being swozzled away to the bottom of the dish.
The facts of the case for the Snodgrasses are so evident
That it is ridiculous to debate them.
But this is unfortunate for the Snodgrasses as it only causes
The sinister and vengeful Swozzlers all the more to hate them.
Swozzlers are irked by the superior Snodgasses' intelligence and nobility,
And they lose no opportunity of inflicting on them every kind of incivility.
If you have read that somebody has been run over by an automobile,
You may be sure that victim was a Snodgrass and a Swozzler was at the wheel.
Swozzlers start wars and Snodgrasses get killed in them.
Swozzlers sell waterfront lots and Snodgrasses get malaria when
they try to build in
them.
Swozzlers invent fashionable diets and drive
Snodgrasses crazy
With tables of vitamins and calories
Swozzlers go to Congress and think up new taxes
And Snodgrasses pay their salaries.
Swozzlers bring tigers back alive and Snodgrasses get eaten by
anacondas;
Snodgrasses are depositors and Swozzlers are absconders.
Swozzlers hold straight flushes and Snodgrasses hold four of a kind.
Swozzlers step heavily on the toes of Snodgrasses' shoes as soon as they
are shined.
Whatever achievements Snodgrasses achieve,
Swozzlers always top them;
Snodgrasses say stop me if you've heard this one
And Swozzlers stop them.
Swozzlers are teeming with useful tricks of the trade
That are not included in a standard university curricula.
The world in general is their oyster,
And the Snodgrasses in particular.
So I hope that for your sake dear reader that you are a Swozzler,
But I hope for everybody's that you're not.
And I also wish that everybody else was a nice amiable Snodgrass too,
Because then Life would be just one sweet, harmonious mazurka or gavotte.
1902-1971
