Even as far back as elementary school, size mattered. Sure, I had a lot of friends and was even considered popular by many. But, I was an overweight little girl that would cry a lot, alone in her room. I would cry because it was difficult to find clothes that fit properly and occasionally I would get teased.
I came from overweight parents. I can remember summer lunches at home with my mother. My favorite was t-bone steak. I can not remember the side dishes but I loved to have avocado. Not that steak is bad for you, it is actually quite healthy. Looking back, I guess all the food my mother cooked was healthy, I just ate too much of it.
My mother was great! She helped me lose the weight between 3rd and 5th grade. I was gorgeous at 5th grade graduation. I should have had bangs but other than that. It was a great time.
My first major crush was in 6th grade. I had crushes before, but none with the feeling that looking at Billy Ramsey could cause. I thought he was a living dream. Big Laugh! But at the time, I thought he was. He never said anything to me about my weight, then again, he never said much to me at all. His best friend was nice enough about it. He told me that Billy prefered hispanic girls. That seemed true enough when he made it know he liked another Deanna, Deanna Mendoza. That didn't make it hurt any less and I will never know if my weight was a factor.
Sitting here over 15 years later, I don't remember being fat then. I just wasn't pencil thin either. I'm not sure what size I was, I guess it was somewhere between a junior size 7 and 9. In 5th grade I was excited to be able to wear a girl's size 14. Over Thanksgiving holiday 2 years later, I know I was a size 9 because I had one of those "female" accidents and had to have my mother bring me clean jeans. Not all my jeans fit then, I had to tell her which ones to bring me.
The summer of 1985 was a milestone. That was the summer I went to a Weight Watchers camp for 6 weeks. I started the summer a size 18 and came back to start high school at a svelte 13. I loved the way I looked! I had more confidence and was ready to face the world. When I think about trying to get down to a certain size. That is it. But now, I only think of it in passing.
Thru high school I had some ups and downs. Mostly ups. I didn't have any problems attracting the guys. I just keep sabatoging the really good relationships. I just couldn't understand that some guys really prefered large women or that it didn't matter.
One guy that has been a part of my life since before I went to that summer camp once said that I was "sacred in India" just to hurt me. Being the good student I was, I knew immediately he was calling me a cow. One would think that statement would have been an incentive to lose weight. In a way it was but never enough. To this day, that is one of the most hurtful things that was ever said to me. Mainly because I loved him. Several times we even aimed for marriage. Today, we are still friends. I forgave him long ago and the pain has lessened, but I have never been able to forget.
I graduated from high school and went on to brave the world. That summer I met a wonderful man that I knew was "The One." He was older by 3 years, a little wild, but treated me like a princess. With him I felt safe and definitely loved. Less that 3 months later we were engaged (much to my mother's chagrin) and planned our wedding for exactly one year after we got together. He was larger than I in height and weight. I found that fact to be very comforting. Finally I had a man that I could feel, well, almost perfectly sized next to. This was not the only reason I loved him but it might have been one of the first things that drew me to him. We moved in together shortly after getting engaged. We had a wonderful but turbulent relationship and for reasons that shall be kept private, we broke up. I postponed the wedding indefinitely and in the end we both moved on. We are still close in a strong and strange way that neither truly understands. He married a lovely woman about 5 months after our originally planned wedding day. The details are too private to share in such a public place and out of respect for all of us shall not be placed here for all to read. However, what came of this was the knowledge that I could be loved for ME, not my outward appearance, but the emerging confidante woman that I was slowly becoming.
The problem was I didn't have that revelation until a few years later.
This story shall continue...
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