Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
If they ever come up with a Swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.
There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey'. That way every week a criminal could say, "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.)
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
It's really sad when a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.
Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our real civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby.
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts.
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of the way. Cars too!
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture.
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute to the plane itself! Is anyone listening to me?!
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
One thing about my aunt Nadie: she was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.
I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.
When I think of all the arguments Marta and I have had, I realize how silly most of them were. And it makes me wonder why she wanted to argue over such stupid things. I think I'll go ask her.
One good thing about hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.
Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.
There's a world that we know nothing about, that we can only imagine. And that is the world of books.
If you're ever giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then, as you go along, get better and better. Then, at the end, give off a white, glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
Instead of half-mast, maybe you could fly a flag at three-quarter-mast for a guy who's in a coma. Then, if he gets worse, the flag gets lower, or if he gets better, it starts to move up, so you can just look at the flag and see how he's doing.
People need to realize that every time they talk about how "fragile" our planet is, it's just like asking outer-space aliens to come invade us.
Instead of a regular arm, Carl had been born with a pigeon's wing. The odd thing was, all through his life, no one had ever laughed at his wing - not even the mean kids at school. Then one day he realized why: He looked in the mirror and saw that HE WAS A PIGEON! He crapped right there, as he often did, wherever he was.
One bad thing about Lassie, she was always warning you about something. Let me be surprised for a change.
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood.
It's too bad cowboys didn't eat much pizza back in the Old West, because I think a good painting would be a cowboy giving his last slice to his horse.
I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you're swirling around up there, you get to keep.
Isn't it funny how whenever a party seems to be winding down at somebody's house, you can always keep it going just by talking a lot a eating and drinking whatever's left.
I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.
In the first castles, I bet a common mistake was putting the torture room next to the master bedroom. Boy, you're just not going to get the good sleep that way.
I'd like to see a James Bond movie where James Bond gets behind financially and maybe has to take out a bill consolidation loan, because even when he's applying for the loan he's still real smart-alecky.
Instead of a welcome mat, what about just a plain mat and a little loudspeaker that says "welcome" over and over again?
It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to do.
My friend Don is such a loser. But if he was here right now, he'd say I was the loser. No, Don, you're the loser. But if he was here, he'd say I was the loser. No way, Don, you're the loser.
We're all afraid of something. Take my little nephew, for instance. He's afraid of skeletons. He thinks they live in closets and under beds, and at night they come out to get you when you're asleep. And what am I afraid of? Now, I'm afraid of skeletons.
When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Ya-hoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.
To become a knife thrower in the circus, they probably don't let you start off throwing at a live woman. They start you out with a little girl.
Later, they were tied to the bumper of a car and dragged around the block, as onlookers shrieked with delight. But one old man, who had a banjo, just shook his head and walked away. The crowd noticed this and set him on fire.
I hope I never have to use my underpants as a flag, because after that I could never let my underpants touch the ground.
In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.
Police Detective Riley was a no-nonsense kind of guy. Before, he really loved nonsense, and would use it a lot in his murder investigations. But he found that most people didn't appreciate it, especially the family of the victim.
When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him. But then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, Well, no wonder you're a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.
One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.
People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn't the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. "No, you stupid idiot," I said, "that's my house."
Someday I would like to make a movie that makes people laugh and makes people cry, and then makes them leave the theater in a quick and orderly manner so that others may come in.
I'll never forget the time that skunk got under the house and Grandpa went under to get him. Boy, it smelled for months. You know, that was the last time we ever saw Grandpa.
Whenever you see a bunch of Italian guys talking Italian, just go up to them and start talking fake Italian. They may not understand you exactly, but at least everyone will get a nice warm "Italian" feeling.
In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words.
When you're dying, a funny gag would be to act like you see an angel, then pretend like you're having sex with it.
Warning to all outer-space guys: You can capture me and put me in your "space zoo" if you like, but I will sit way in the back of my cage, where it's hard to see me. And when I do come out, I won't be wearing any pants.
When I told my Dad I wanted a kite he said, "Okay, but instead of buying a kite, let's make one." So we did. Then, about a month later, we also made me a bicycle, but it blew away.
When we were kids, I used to make fun of my friend Kevin whenever he had to go to his piano lesson. But look where he is now and look where I am. Actually, I don't know where he is now. But look where I am, that's my point.
When I was a kid, I used to think you could jump off the roof of our house using an umbrella as a parachute. I thought my little brother could, anyway.
When I looked up at the scoreboard, there were fifteen seconds left. It seemed like plenty of time, but it wasn't. Before I could get to the rest room, I had wet my pants.
Mom used to warn me that I could lose an eye playing with BB guns. But she never warned me that I could also lose my BB gun, which I did.
I remember when we were kids, one of our favorite games was to play "pirate." We'd dress up like pirates. Then we'd go find an adult walking down the street and we'd go up to him and pull out our butcher knives, which we called our "swords," and say, "We're pirates! Give us your money!" A lot of adults would pretend to be scared and give us their money. Others would suddenly run away, yelling for help. We played pirate until we were twenty or so.
The first cigarette I ever had I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first one," said Grandpa. "Try another one." And you know, he was right.
I think the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was on page 4 and 5 of The Book of Sunsets.
The day I met Marta was the happiest day of my life, because that was the day I screwed a friend of mine out of a bunch of money.
As I felt the soft cool mud squish between my toes, I thought, Man, these are not very good shoes!
When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.
I think the best Thanksgiving I ever had was the one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and explained that business hadn't been good at Dad's store, so we couldn't afford a turkey. We had vegetables and bread and pie, and it was just fine. Later I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom to thank them, and I caught them eating a little turkey. I guess that wasn't really the best Thanksgiving.
There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.
Of all my imaginary friends, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.
Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches.
At first I thought a good way to get people to dig you some flower beds for free would be to call the police and say you buried some bodies in your backyard. But here's the catch: they dig everywhere, not just where you tell them to.
I remember one night I was walking past Mom and Dad's room when I heard them talking about how they might not have enough money to pay their bills that month. I knew what I had to do. I went and got my piggy bank and buried it in the backyard, where they couldn't get their mitts on it.
The smell of Aunt Lucy's pies would make me come a-runnin'. But the sight of Aunt Lucy's face would make me run away.
I knew Mrs. Stewart, our neighbor, was afraid of black cats, so one day I dressed up in a black cat costume and went over and mowed her lawn. Then I left. I think that cured her.
I couldn't believe it! Someone had stolen my new sled! My brand-new, all-white sled, with the runners I had painted white and the white tow-rope and my name written on the top, in white. I asked all of my so-called friends which one of them took it, but they all denied it. Finally, in the spring, right after the snow melted, the thief brought it back to where I had left it.
I'll never forget my first true love. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. From her dark, raven hair to her slender, yellow, scaly feet, she was all woman. She loved corn, and could eat it all day with her hard, yellowish lips. "Caw!" she would yell, as a joke, then flap her arms with delight. One day, she was sitting on a fence, and some guy shot her.
There's always been a good explanation for everything. When that owl attacked Grandma and started biting her head, at first it didn't make any sense. Why would an owl attack Grandma? But then we found out later: a mouse was living in her hairdo.
When I gave the bellboy his tip, he just sort of snarled at me. So I gave him some more money, but he just kept snarling. More money, more snarling. Finally I realized, Hey, you're not the bellboy, this is a robbery! I asked him anyway if he would carry my bag, but he wouldn't.
We asked Dad if we could have a trampoline, but he said no, that they were too dangerous and too expensive. But then we went and talked to the trampoline salesman at the store, and he said they weren't too expensive or dangerous. I think I'm still sorta mad at Dad for lying to us like that.
I don't think I received enough love when I was a child. And not just from my parents. From my other relatives, and my friends, and from strangers and from all the creatures of the world, including bugs.
One Thanksgiving my parents did something I don't know if I can ever forgive them for. We were eating our turkey dinner when suddenly I realized I hadn't seen my pet turkey all day. "Where's Mister Gobble?" I asked. Dad seemed confused. "Mister Gobble?" "Yes," I said. "My turkey. The one I picked out at the supermarket, and then after he thawed out I made him do a funny little turkey dance. Mister Gobble." Dad's silence said it all. We were eating Mister Gobble! I ran crying from the table and locked myself in my room. Later, Dad knocked on the door and said he had some dessert for me. When I opened the door, I couldn't believe it. It was a slice of Pumpkie, my pet pie!
I only played hooky one time; I'll never forget it. I hid in the bushes right outside my classroom. And since the window was open, I could hear the teacher, so I went ahead and took notes. When the teacher asked a question, I raided my hand, but she couldn't see me.
I used to think Mom's biscuits were special, because she said she put a secret ingredient in them. Years later I asked her what the secret ingredient was, and she said it was "love." Right then I felt like the biggest sucker in the world.
I'll never forget the time Grandma tripped at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down and then rolled and hit her head against the front door. We all laughed and laughed, until we realized, Hey, she's not joking!
Kids don't need expensive new toys to have fun. A lot of times we would have just as much fun getting in my dad's car and letting off the emergency brake and just seeing where the car would go before it stopped.
My parents used to abandon me a lot as a child. In the morning, they'd take me to my school and then abandon me there, until school got out. Then at night, after they tucked me in bed, they'd abandon me and go to sleep in their own bedroom. Sometimes they'd let me sleep with them in their room, but if I started playing my guitar they'd take me back to my bedroom and abandon me again. Once, they abandoned me for a whole week, at my grandparents' house.
I don't remember much at all from when I was born, except for the bright lights and being held upside down and being slapped hard on my bottom. Also, I remember thinking the doctor had a funny mustache, and when I grew up I would never have a mustache like that.
One year Dad decided he was going to save money on haircuts, so he bought an electric haircutter kit. At first everything went fine, but then he gave us haircuts. They were horrible. Then everything seemed to be going fine for a while, but then he gave us haircuts again. So I guess, mostly, it was a good idea.
When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of 2407 Eastwood Lane, like the driver's license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the $220 on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?
The way I see it, kids need exercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid wouldn't catch me, but not so fast that he'd give up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.
One time I was going to throw a surprise party for Marta, but the surprise ended up being on me. That's because the party seemed like too much trouble and I eventually gave up, and I was surprised to find out I was that lazy.
One afternoon, when I was about ten, I decided to walk over to the "wrong side of the tracks." At first I was a little scared. But then I noticed that the yards were nice, and so were the houses. In fact, most of the houses were better than those on our side of the tracks. A lot better.
When I was about in the third grade I used to play with matches all the time. Then one day, something made me stop. I accidentally scraped one across a rough surface and it caught on fire!
"Hey, sport, how would you like to go for a drive in the country - just you and me?" Grandpa had hardly finished the question before I was in the front seat of that big Buick of his. It was a beautiful sunny day, perfect for cruising the back roads. Suddenly we swerved off onto a narrow dirt road and skidded to a stop. Grandpa hustled me down into a gully, where this weird European-looking couple was waiting. They looked me up and down, even checking my teeth. Finally they told Grandpa, "No. No goot." Grandpa said, "Yes, goot," but that didn't seem to satisfy them. Then Grandpa said okay, but they couldn't have the money back they had already paid him. Then we got back in the car and drove home.
Sometimes it's hard to tell if something is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it. So I asked my boss if I called him a lying, stinking thief, or I just dreamed it, and he said I just dreamed it. Whew, that was close.
