JOKES

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those
stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done
not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their breast stared at.

Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp,
you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Bill Clinton Jokes

Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems
today he finally admitted that he had sex with Jennifer Flowers a couple of
times....but he didn't come.

Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
A: He wants to be on top.

Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the
corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied
with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a
part of the President's normal routine. Each day as he'd approach the
corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and
Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided
she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill
suddenly realized what a terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough,
there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved
and yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!"

Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

"One thing's for sure about Clinton...He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are at a charity event in
Kansas. A tornado sweeps them away. Next thing they know, they're on
the yellow brick road in Oz. Dan Quayle says, "this is great, I am
going to ask the wizard for a brain!" Newt Gingrich says, "this is
great, I'm going to ask the wizard for a heart!" Bill Clinton says,
"where's Dorothy?"

Other Jokes

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just
can't lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in.
All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she
pissed! "What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the
golfer. "Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to
my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an
entire year without butter!!" The golfer starts laughing
hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother
Nature's patience. "What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter
for a year?" she screams at him. "I'm not laughing about that - I'm
laughing about my friend over there wacking the hell out of your pussy
willows!"

A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a
petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach,"
replied the lineman, "but she's much better"!

LAWYER DIES
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him
"What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer
thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person
on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter
nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,
too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

The following are from the Society for Technical Communicators San
Fernando Valley chapter's June newsletter, "Viewpoint":

-Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

-I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

-When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

-Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

-He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

-She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a
dead frog on a string behind him, he slaps a hundred dollar bill on
the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him
and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps
another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women."
The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty
minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has
to have activeherpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he
slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She
responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes." Two
minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog)
and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did
you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve year old replies...
When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and
dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with
her on the way. Then, when he getsback, he and mom are going to go
upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman
will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran
over my frog.

What State Mottos SHOULD Be
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We are not really sure yet!
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?