Ostaffärs-pjäsen

                    ***  The Cheese Shoppe   *** 
 
(a customer walks in the door.) 
 
Customer: Good Morning. 
Owner: Good morning, Sir.  Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! 
Customer: Ah .man. 
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? 
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, 
   skimming through "Rogue Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over 
   all peckish. 
O: Peckish, sir? 
C: Esuriant. 
O: Eh? 
C: 'Ee Ah wor 'ungry-like! 
O: Ah, hungry! 
C: In a nutshell.  And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do 
   the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and 
   infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy 
   comestibles! 
O: Come again? 
C: I want to buy some cheese. 
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the mazuki player! 
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the 
   Terpsichorean muse! 
O: Sorry? 
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! 
O: So he can go on playing, can he? 
C: Most certainly!  Now then, some cheese please, my good man. 
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir.  What would you like? 
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. 
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. 
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilset? 
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it 
   fresh on Monday. 
C: Tish tish.  No matter.  Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Cafilly, if you 
   please. 
O: Ah!  It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks.  Was expecting it this 
   morning. 
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it?   Aah, Bell Paisey? 
O: Sorry, sir. 
C: Red Windsor? 
O: Normally, sir, yes.  Today the van broke down. 
C: Ah.  Stilton? 
O: Sorry. 
C: Emental? Brilliere? 
O: No. 
C: Any Norweigan Yarlsburger, per chance. 
O: No. 
C: Lipta? 
O: No. 
C: Lancashire? 
O: No. 
C: White Stilton? 
O: No. 
C: Danish Brew? 
O: No. 
C: Double Goucester? 
O:    No. 
C: Cheshire? 
O: No. 
C: Dorset Bluveny? 
O: No. 
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Porceileu, Savoy Aire, Sampolan, Carrier de 
   lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? 
O: No. 
C: Camenbert, perhaps? 
O: Ah!  We have Camenbert, yessir. 
C: (suprised) You do!  Excellent. 
O: Yessir.  It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... 
C: Oh, I like it runny. 
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. 
C: No matter.  Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France!  Mmmwah! 
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. 
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is.  Hand it over with all speed. 
O: Oooooooooohhh........!    
C: What now? 
O: The cat's eaten it. 
C:     Has he. 
O: She, sir. 
  (pause) 
C: Goudon? 
O: No. 
C: Idam? 
O: No. 
C: Case Ness? 
O: No. 
C: Smoked Austrian? 
O: No. 
C: Japanese Sage Darby? 
O: No, sir. 
C: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? 
O: (brightly) Of course, sir.  It's a cheese shop, sir.  We've got- 
C: No no... don't tell me.   I'm keen to guess. 
O: Fair enough. 
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. 
O: Yes? 
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! 
O: Oh!  I thought you were talking to me, sir. 
   Mister Wensleydale, that's my name. 
 
(pause) 
 
C: Greek Fetta? 
O: Uh, not as such. 
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola? 
O: no 
C: Parmesan, 
O: no 
C: Mozarella, 
O: no 
C: Paper Cramer, 
O: no 
C: Danish Bimbo, 
O: no 
C: Czech sheep's milk, 
O: no 
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? 
O: Not -today-, sir, no. 
(pause) 
C: Aah, how about Cheddar? 
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. 
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! 
O: Not 'round here, sir. 
C:  and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? 
O: 'Illchester, sir. 
C: IS it. 
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire. 
C: Is it. 
O: It's our number one best seller, sir! 
C: I see.  Uuh...'Illchester, eh? 
O: Right, sir. 
C: All right.  Okay. 
   "Have you got any?"  He asked, expecting the answer 'no'. 
O: I'll have a look, sir.. 
   nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. 
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? 
O: Finest in the district! 
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. 
O: Well, it's so clean, sir! 
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... 
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. 
C: Would it be worth it? 
O: Could be.... 
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY MAZUKI OFF! 
O: Told you sir... 
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? 
O: No. 
C: Figures. 
   Predictable, really I suppose.  It was an act of purest optomism to have 
   posed the question in the first place.  Tell me: 
O: Yessir? 
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. 
O: Yes,sir. 
C: Really? 
    (pause) 
O: No.  Not really, sir. 
C: You haven't. 
O: Nosir.  Not a scrap.  I was deliberately wasting your time,sir. 
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. 
O: Right-0, sir. 
 
The customer takes out a gun and takes out a pistol. 
 
C: What a -senseless- waste of human life.

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