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Top Ten Bad Things About Living Longer:
 
10. Seems like every time you turn around that damn Halley's Comet is back. 
9. Would see great, great, great grandchildren marry moon men 
8. (See Richards, Keith) 
7. Shoulder-length ear hair 
6. If you're a Mets fan, you'd rather go early 
5. More fantasies about Buddy Ebsen 
4. Every time you sneeze, you break your hip 
3. Eventually it's your turn to marry Zsa Zsa 
2. While you grow to love Beavis, Butthead becomes almost unbearable 
1. All the shoes


Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot:

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?" 
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up 
8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet" 
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap 
6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!" 
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, 
Let's go find that Mars observer!" 
4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform 
3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, 
heh, heh, heh" 
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the 
same guy who drove your cab to the airport 
1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy" 

 

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much:

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags 
around you. 
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 
17 feet tall. 
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in 
the earth's axis. 
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet. 
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July. 
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!" 
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else. 
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department. 
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt. 
1. You're sweatin' gravy.


Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid:
 
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, 
"Dream on, Chester!" 
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping 
and handling 
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are 
styrofoam peanuts 
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed 
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list 
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee 
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "touch my beard and 
I'll put the hurt on you" 
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown" 
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!" 


Top Ten Signs Your Name is Ed:

10. Lots of times when people see you, they say, "Hi, Ed." 
9. You receive junk mail that reads: "You may already have won, Ed." 
8. When your girlfriend breaks up with you, the letter begins "Dear Ed..." 
7. Hippies who attend all your concerts are known as "Edheads." 
6. Let's say you're playing baseball. You're the shortstop and there's a 
pop up between you and the third baseman. You drift under it to make the 
catch when suddenly the third baseman comes over and says, "I got it, Ed." 
5. Your name rhymes with red, but it's not Fred, Ted or Ned. 
4. You always get a friendly slap on the back and knowing wink 
whenever you run into Ed Asner. 
3. It seems like every time you get hit on the head with something, 
it's right after someone yells "Look out, Ed!" 
2. You embark on a career in rap music as Snoop Doggy Ed. 
1. You sign all of your letters to Penthouse, "Jim". 


Top Ten Ways to Get Dumb Guys to Vote for You:

10. Promise to replace presidential limo with monster truck 
9. Pass out campaign buttons and say, "Look, free shiny things!" 
8. Promise that if you win, you'll help them get the mouse traps off 
their feet 
7. In "Nightline" interview, keep calling Ted Koppel "Mr. Snapple." 
6. Say you'll bomb the ever-lovin' shorts off every country whose name 
ain't spelled U-S-A 
5. Promise to publish a "Where's Waldo" book in which the only thing 
on each page is Waldo 
4. Put bucket on head. Wander around parking lot. 
3. New campaign slogan: "Uhhhhh..." 
2. Begin every speech with, "I am like a box of chocolates!" 
1. Free circus tickets 


Top Ten Signs You're Not Going to Win a Nobel Prize:
 
10. You think the capital of Sweden is Sweden City. 
9. You built an artificial heart, but it's the size of a bread truck. 
8. Closest you've ever come to doing a scientific experiment -- 
putting a sleeping friend's hand in warm water 
7. Despite all your brilliant ideas, the nurses won't let you have 
anything sharp to write them down. 
6. You're the CBS executive who picked the new fall lineup. 
5. For the past 10 years, your left thumb has been stuck in a 
test tube. 
4. Title of your doctoral dissertation: "Yee-ouch! Them Pins 
is Pointy!" 
3. Your theory of relativity is E=MC Hammer. 
2. You're known around the University as "Professor Gump." 
1. Your first name is Boutros Boutros -- but your last name 
ain't Ghali. 


From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa 	
Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts:	
	
10.Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week
9.Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..."
8.Shouts "Watch this -- you don't need a hammer if you have 
a steel plate in your skull."
7.Same project semester after semester: Make your own coffin
6.Favorite game: Fill my pants with sawdust
5.Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs.
4.He's built himself a plywood girlfriend.
3.If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger.
2.Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt
1.Calls the drill press "Mommy"


Top Ten Signs The Other Beatles Don't Like You: 

10. Whenever you start talking, they say, "Let it be, Bonehead" 
9. You're making less money from the reunion than Pete Best 
8. You find out you were the inspiration for "Nowhere Man" 
7. If you didn't see it in T.V. Guide, you wouldn't have known 
about a reunion 
6. The only way you can get their attention is by eating Christmas 
ornaments (Cut to shot of Anton eating ornaments) 
5. After you spent the week working on a painting for the cover, 
they decide to go with "The White Album" 
4. They make you sit in the back of Air Force One 
3. When they hear you play, they say, "Wow -- you're even worse 
than Ringo!" 
2. They won't stop singing "We hate you - yeah, yeah, yeah!" 
1. Always trying to set you up with Yoko


Top Ten Signs Your Brother is the Unabomber:
 
10. Whenever they show sketch of Unabomber on TV, he says, 
"What a good looking guy!" 
9. Subscribes to "Dangerously Quiet Loner" magazine 
8. Always bragging that he's "bombed more than Joe Piscopo" 
7. Even in baby pictures, he's wearing a hood and sunglasses 
6. He's a twisted recluse who considers himself above the laws 
of society -- wait, no, that's Michael Jackson
5. Asks his friends to call him "Una" for short 
4. Keeps doing his lame impression of Jimmie "J.J." Walker saying 
"Dy-no-mite!" 
3. He's been trying frantically to get a hold of Johnnie Cochran 
2. May 8, 1970: Becky Johnson turns him down for the prom; May 9, 
1970: Becky Johnson explodes 
1. Favorite cable channel? TNT 


Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having Affair With Prince Charles: 

10. Hidden in the closet you find a pair of earmuffs the size of a 
CD player 
9. Always bragging that she could have you beheaded 
8. She has a terminal at Heathrow named after her 
7. Lately, she seems to know an awful lot about polo 
6. Her new wall plaque: "Official Supplier of Sex to His Royal 
Highness The Prince Of Wales" 
5. Suddenly, the only thing she'll eat is bangers and mash 
4. Her unemployed brother somehow gets a job as a viscount 
3. She replaced painting of dogs playing poker with original 
Magna Carta 
2. She complains that your family doesn't have enough inbred 
lunatics 
1. The crown marks on her thighs 


Top Ten Ways to Make Golf More Exciting: 

10. Replace sand traps with bear traps 
9. When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get 
ready to rumble!" 
8. Everyone has to play on their knees, like that hysterical 
"Dorf" character 
7. Give the Harlem Globetrotters a set of clubs and let `em do 
their stuff 
6. Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always 
turns out hilarious 
5. Every foursome must contain at least one member of 
"Earth Wind and Fire" 
4. Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates 
3. Introduce a genetically engineered super-golfer named 
"Fuzzy Tiger" 
2. Find a way to make golf shoes look even fruitier 
1. New rule: miss a putt, swallow a tee 


Top Ten Signs You'd Make a Bad C.I.A. Director 
10. Before spying on someone, you always ask, "Mind if I 
snoop around a little?" 
9. You've got a letter of recommendation from Fidel Castro 
8. Your last covert mission was stealing frozen burritos from 7-11 
7. Whenever someone asks you for the time, you say, 
"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything I know!" 
6. You still think O.J. didn't do it 
5. The last piece of "intelligence" you acquired was that 
nougat is chewy 
4. You think Bosnia is one of the Spice Girls 
3. Your name: "Larry" Your ATM code: "Larry" 
2. You keep a secret about as well as Ellen DeGeneres 
1. You think "C.I.A" is pronounced "see-ya" 


Top Ten Signs You've Seen the `Star Wars' Movies Too Many Times: 

10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O" 
9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan, 
you're my only hope" 
8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca 
7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major 
decisions without consulting Mark Hamill 
6. Your favorite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?" 
5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid" 
4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open 
a can of pears 
3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind of like Darth Vader 
and almost had a heart attack 
2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean 
1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot 


Top Ten Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs:

 10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares 
9. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 
45 minute pause 
8. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!" 
7. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia 
6. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr. 
5. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a 
rodeo cowboy 
4. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his 
old high school teachers 
3. His wings are pinned to his bare chest 
2. When you fly over international date line, he yells, 
"Dude! We're, like, time traveling!" 
1. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop 


Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different if Everyone Were 
Named Kevin:

10. Former Secretary General of the United Nations: 
Kevin Kevin-Ghali 
9. Musician Prince is "The Artist Formerly Known as 
and also is Currently Known as Kevin" 
8. When someone says, "Knock, knock," and you say, "Who's there?" 
you can be pretty sure what's coming 
7. Your cab driver's name: KEVIIWYONN 
6. Fraternity guys would all be nicknamed "Kev-O" 
5. Punchline to famous joke: "Kevin Goulet? Yeah" 
4. When it sounds like Springsteen fans are booing, they're 
actually yelling "Kevin" 
3. There's a really cool Twilight Zone episode about a guy named "Bob" 
2. If you're having sex with your wife Kevin, but you're 
fantasizing about supermodel Kevin Schiffer, and at the height 
of passion you accidentally call out, "Kevin!" -- No problem! 
1. Popular snack: Slim Kevins 

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