*Cue dramatic trailer music*
*Flash fraction-of-a--second dramatic film clips*
*Cue trailer voice-over guy"
In a world where nature is the enemy...
*shot of woman screaming*
...One man must sacrifice everything...
*shot of bloody water*
...To save the woman he kinda likes.
*shot of two characters kissing*
Prepare yourself for...
*dramatic shot of crocodile*
Blood Surf!
This little gem comes to us right out of South Africa, and it sports an all-star cast of, well, no one, actually. Obviously, the budget was dumped into special effects. Well, maybe not, since all they had was a rubber puppet and a 12 year old on a Mac calling himself Pixel Magic. I guess the money for this film was used to buy cocaine for one of the actors.
the movie starts off with a flashback of people in water getting eaten by something. This will come into play later, but it's not nearly as important as you might imagine. Next, there's the group of main characters on a boat or a plane or something. There's four of them: The Producer, The Cokehead, The Pretty Boy, and The Girl. They're from a TV studio doing a documentary on the next big extreme sport, blood surfing. Blood surfing, for those of you who have some reason to care, is simple. You toss a bunch of chum in shark-infested waters, wait for the sharks to show up, and then go surfing. It's a brilliant idea, but it doesn't work, since everyone survives, and no one realizes that not all sharks are man-eaters. Cue Jaws reference ("what's that shark movie?" "Jaws") and movie on to next scene.
They meet a guy on the island, and they ask for directions out to where they want to film this debacle. The guy, we;ll call him Quint, says no. He doesn't wanna be an accessory to murder. Then Quint's girlfriend, Artemis, starts dancing around for everyone, as a way of saying, "You'll get to see my boobs later on." Quint changes his mind. Don't question. Accept. So, they get to the place and meet their contact, Benny. Benny is a native to the island. He has a wife, Melba (as in the toast), and a 17 year old daughter named Lemmya. The Cokehead has it for Lemmya, and they flirt a lot, establishing that we will eventually see her boobs, too.
At this point, I'm not really sure who the main character is. Is it Quint? The Cokehead? Let's just say it's The Cokehead. So, the next day comes around, and group of heroes gets ready to start filming. Cokehead and Pretty Boy are doing the surfing. The Girl puts on the shark-proof chain mail, and The Producer stands around to watch. I should also mention that Benny has expressed his concerns about this whole ordeal, signifying that he will be among the first to go. So, they do their little thing, and the sharks are after them, and everything, and finally, everyone makes it to shore. They're about to go out again when something eats a shark.
Around this time, Melba, who is on the boat with Benny, decides that shark-eating monsters are no big deal, so she's gonna go in for a swim. Again, Benny expresses his concerns, but to no avail.
Meanwhile, Cokehead and Lemmya sneak off somewhere to get it on, and get it on they do. In fact, they get it on a lot. It's really very obvious that this gettin it on thing is nothing new to either of them. While they're going at it, Benny and Melba get attacked by the creature, and they both die. Lemmya's screams of pleasure combine with her daddy's screams of agony to form a great cacophony of... irony?
Next morning, Lemmya's gone, and Cokehead's worried. He wanted more of that booty. He finds the thing she was using to cover her boobs and realizes she's gone. Oh well. So, they're walking around, and they run into a group of Latino paramilitary guys. They take our heroes prisoner, and everyone gets on the boat. Naturally, these guys are horny, and since The Girl is there, she gets to satisfy them. The Producer, who happens to be her boyfriend, says that's fine, and she and one of the guys go out to, you know. Then the giant crocodile eats the bad guy. The heroes push all the bad guys overboard and make off with their boat. It doesn't get very far, though, since it starts burning for no apparant reason, although I'm sure they addressed that somewhere. Anywho, they all jump in the water, thinking that the croc would rather eat the other guys, and they're right, of course. They get picked up by Quint.
Now we get to find out Quint's story, just like in Jaws. It turns out, he used to run a boat tour in these parts, and the croc attacked his boat, eating all the tourists. I thought that was kinda funny, but I guess Quint loves the tourists. At any rate, Quint's goal in life is to kill this croc.
Suddenly, just when everyone's about to say Now what?, our friend, Mr. Croc comes by. Our friend, The Cokehead, is the first to get eaten. And I thought he was the main character. I guess not. Maybe Quint is. Quint tells everyone to go to this one spot where there's all kinds of alkali in the water, or something, and the croc won't get them. Meanwhile, he'll try to blow up the croc with the help of Pretty Boy. Remember Pretty Boy? Ok, so The Producer, The Girl, and Artemis run away. The Producer finds a surfboard and tries to surf away, but he ends up surfing right into the croc's mouth. No one cares.
Meanwhile, Quint gets bitten in half, and Pretty Boy escapes with the explosives. Artemis and The Girl have another run-in with one of the Mexican paramilitary guys, and The Girl kills him. They make it back to the place they were told about and sit and wait for a man to show up. No, I'm not kidding. They're on one side of the pond, and the croc is on the other side, staring at them. Finally, Pretty Boy shows up, and they set the explosives up. Pretty Boy gets the croc to chase him, and they blow a bunch of stuff up, hopefully enough to fall on the croc and kill it. That doesn't work, of course, but Artemis thinks it does, and she starts yelling and kicking at it. The croc eats her. Suddenly, Pretty Boy gets an idea. "I've got an idea!" he says. He gets the croc to chase him, and he swings from a vine into the pond. The croc jumps after him and impales itself on a large pointed thing. Finally, Pretty Boy and The Girl can get it on. We, the audience, are lucky not to see it.
This movie was a horrible horrible thing. I can't recommend it to anyone.