Yikes. Just yikes.
While the other review of this movie is from the standpoint of a frequent gamer, and while it is impossible to review a film like this (i.e. a movie based on something else entirely, much like a movie based on a novel) without taking its source's nature into consideration, this review will be from more of a cinematic standpoint.
So, as I was saying, yikes. Just yikes.
So, we have this evil guy, played by Jeremy Irons (who has played pretty much every evil British aristocrat and then some) who is the spokesperson for all the mages in Emeril or Elendil or wherever this godforsaken travesty takes place. He is opposed to the young empress's radical idea of making mages and commenors equal. He believes that Empress Savina, played by Thora Birch (American Pie or Psycho or Beauty or something) is too young and naive to make any kind of idealistic decisions, so he and his evil mage buddies decide to take her sceptor from her. The sceptor gives the bearer power to control the yellow dragons. When she says no, he is taken aback and decides to wage war on her and all the peoples of Narnia. To do this, he needs the red sceptor to control the red dragons. You get the idea. Any time the movie needs to cut to anything involving the Empress or Jeremy Irons, we get a spectacular circling establishing shot of whichever CG tower the character is in at the time. This happens a lot.
Ok, enough backstory. It's kinda lame, but it makes enough sense to base a movie on it. Let's meet our hero, ummm, whose name is uhh, Ridley. Yes. It's Ridley. Ok, Ridley is played by some guy who looks kinda like a young Wil Wheaton only not nearly as, what's the word...? Manly. Ridley is a thief, as is his close friend Snails, played by Marlon Wayans. Ridley and Snails decide to rob the Empress's library or something. It's a large CG tower, and there's lots of stuff in it, so we get an establishing shot. Hooray for us. Anyway, they get caught by Marina the lower-level mage. At exactly the wrong moment, Jeremy Irons's Darth Vader figure and his guards storm in to take them all prisoner or something. Ok, I have no idea what happens here, but this also happens a lot, so I'll just throw it in for now. In any event, Ridley, Snails, and Marina get away and are now wanted. They have a very important map. During their daring escape, they (literally) stumble into a dwarf who follows them around, because every party needs the token dwarf.
I'd like to sidetrack a little to address the dwarf issue. Dwarfs have specific characteristics that are pretty much standard in all stories and that make them, well, dwarfs. For example, they tend to be bearded and like ale. They are generally very headstrong, they use axes, and they are always the first to go into battle. They're also tremendously short. The dwarf in this movie was named Elwood. He ate and burped a lot (but didn't drink all that much), and that's all. He was utterly useless. He served absolutely no purpose. The only dwarf-like things he had going for him were the beard and the axe. He was about as tall as the hero. He was an average-height bearded guy with an axe. He could have been written out without any problem.
Ok, so we have our four-part party. They're in a tavern, and Ridley and Marina use magic to go into the map. Not sure why. I guess they get some special info there that they can't get anywhere else. Elwood eats a lot, and Snails starts hitting on the empress's spy. When they come back, they tell Snails and Elwood that in order to get the red sceptor, they would need to find the eye of the dragon, which was a red ruby the size of your fist. Yes, yours, specifically. Ok, now let me sum this up for those of you who haven't been paying attention. Hero has map. There is information inside the map that gives the first clue to controlling the red dragons, right? The only way anyone would know to get the Eye of the Dragon would be to go into the map. The reason Jeremy Irons wants the red sceptor is to give him an advantage over the empress. Without it he's screwed. Think about that for a minute. Let it set in. There is no good reason for Ridley to want to get the sceptor. None. It would be in his and everyone else's best interest to destroy the map. But, no. He decides to go find it, since he's an idiot.
Luckily for the four heroes, the Eye of the Dragon just happens to be in town, inside a maze. The keeper of the maze is Riff Raff from Rocky Horror, and he gives Ridley permission to try to get it. Ridley goes into the maze and we get a neat reenactment of every Indiana Jones movie. He triggers some swinging blades and has to walk on all the right symbols on the floor to spell Jehovah. (Sorry. It's Iehovah.) Then he gets to the ruby, which sits on a dimly lit pedestal. Of course, he can just take it and leave, right? Well, yeah. And they said everyone who tried to get it failed. Anyway, Ridley gets out, and Riff Raff wants the ruby now, and Darth Vader shows up for the map, and we get another Indiana Jones reference, and it's all pretty stupid. Darth Vader gets away with the map and the girl, while Ridley gets away with the ruby.
The things I do for you people.
Ok, now, by this time the group o' heroes have teamed up with the empress's spies, and they got to Darth Vader's castle to rescue the girl and get the map. For some reason, though, it is decided that the two thieves should go in by themselves while the fully armed and trained spies go off elsewhere.
Ridley gets the girl. Snails gets the map. Vader kills Snails and stabs Ridley in the shoulder, just like Frodo. Girl finds stolen pixie dust and uses it on Vader. They get away (except Snails).
Now they have the map and the ruby. I'm still not sure why they're going through all this trouble. Anyway, they go to the secret cave where the sceptor is hidden, but only Ridley can enter, because it's his destiny. He gets the sceptor and is told that to wield the sceptor, one must have the strength to not use it, or it will spell C-E-R-T-A-I-N-D-O-O-M. Ok, now he has a magic object that he will never use, and that could destroy the entire kingdom, and no good can ever come from it. Naturally, he runs out with it, and Darth Vader's there with his buddies. He gives Ridley the old Give-it-to-me-or-she-dies routine, followed by the Thanks-but-I-lied-you're-all-gonna-die-now routine. Naturally, they don't die, and Ridley follows Vader to Jeremy Irons's tower where we're treated to yet another establishing shot. Jeremy Irons summons the red dragons, and there's a big dragon-off, and all hope seems lost, but then Ridley shows up, has a very uninteresting duel in which he kills Vader, and then, somehow, Jeremy loses the sceptor. He carelessly drops it, or something, and Ridley destroys it, like he should have done earlier. Empress Sativa orders one of her dragons to come and eat Jeremy Irons. Then there's a touching moment at the end where Snails's spirit goes into the ruby, and everyone is happy, and Empress Helvetica declares equality throughout the land of... wherever.
I was thinking while I was watching this movie that it seemed like the producers were going for a timeless epic adventure that would be heralded in the annals of film history along with Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Star Wars as a world-changing influential movie for all ages. It's kinda sad, if you think about it.