I was always a fan of G I Joe as a kid. I had a ton of the toys (well, not literally a ton, but you get the idea...), and I would frequently team up the Joes with the Allience so they could battle the evil Cobra/Empire. I tell ya, the Skystriker and B-Wing was a mean combination. Anyway, i just finished watching G I Joe: The Movie. I'd seen it once before, but I couldn't understand what was going on because the tape was screwy. Evidently, the movie never made it to theaters and was released straight to TV as a sort of miniseries. I was in Europe at the time, and didn't know about it. My knowledge of G I Joe lore ends at 1986.
Anyway, simple plot synopsis:
There's a great opening sequence where the Joes defend the Statue of Liberty from Cobra, symbolizing freedom and justice and the ability to scream, "Yo Joe!" every six seconds. Cobras scream, "Cobra!" frequently, but not nearly as much as we hear "Yo Joe!" Then the story starts. G I Joe has this great new energy source. I guess when their not defending the world from the evils of Cobra, they build mobile power plants. Yep, America's greatest military anti-terrorist organization builds small mobile power plants in their spare time. I guess this one, the B. E. T. (not the cable channel), was a really special one because it had unlimited power which meant that Corba just had to have it.
There's also a bunch of new Joes (meaning more toys to beg for), the most important one being Lieutenant Falcon. He's played by Don Johnson, and he's a big idiot. He's also Duke's brother (not that that had anything to do with his getting accepted onto the team).
So, the Joes capture Serpentor (the evil Cobra emperor) and confine him in a maximum security stockade guarded by characters with lines, which means that this was important. Well, Falcon doesn't think it's that important, so he leaves his post and flirts with Jinx (a new recruit ninja), and, of course, Cobra attacks. But Cobra has become stronger. Now there's a bunch of new characters like Nemesis Enforcer, Pythona (who looks a lot like Aurra Sing), and Golobulus. So, they get Serpentor and seriously injure the guards. No one dies in this movie.
Falcon is taken to court, and Duke defends him saying that deep down, there's a Joe waiting to come out. I'm sure if you used that argument in a real court, it'd go over just as well. So, Falcon is sent off to join Sgt. Slaughter's team of Renegades. After a couple hours' training, they're sent on a mission to infiltrate the Cobra headquarters. Since they have an ex-Viper on their team, it should be easy, so Falcon decides it'd be a good idea to do it without weapons. Yup, might as well make it as difficult as possible. So, they go in silently, grab some guns and yell, "Yo Joe!" Of course, this alerts everyone to their presence, making it all the more difficult. Imagine what would have happened if they had gone in with weapons and not screamed a lot. It would have been a lot easier and more suspenseful. I guess suspense is a bad thing. At any rate, they plant the bomb and escape. Shortly thereafter, the Terrordrome blows up, killing no one. Oh yeah, they also hear something about Cobra-La, and we all learn about the importence of teamwork.
So, a group of Joes (Quick Kick, Snake Eyes, Lady Jaye, Roadblock, and Shipwreck. I had them all.) gets captured at Cobra-La and quickly escapes only to get captured again (except Roadblock, whose amazing power to speak in rhyme saves him).
It's about this time that we learn about Cobra's plan. You see, several thousand years ago, there was this great society called Cobra-La, and when the human race started, Cobra-La went into hiding. Why they didn't stay and destroy them before they became a threat is beyond me. Hell, that was the plan in Titan A. E., but I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, we learn of Cobra Commander's origins. He was a part of this race, and he was selected by Golobulus to lead the Cobra revolution so they could resume their rightful place. Well, Cobra Commander, it turns out, was severely incompetant. So, he's put on trial and found guilty. They throw some wierd spores into his face, and he starts to turn into a snake. Cobra's plan is simple. They're going to launch these giant tree things into space and, using the B. E. T., cause them to ripen and explode, raining down spores which will infect the human popuation, destroying everyone. The Joes have to stop them, and Roadblock needs to get to the Joes to tell them. Well, Roadblock rescues Cobra Commander, and goes blind. Cobra Commander starts telling him that he wassss a man, yesssss, wassss, a man, and Roadblock bunches him a few times. They meet up with Flint and tell him about Cobra's plan. The Joes hide the B. E. T. and the Cobras quickly find and take it. In the ensuing battle, Cobra attacks in these giant bug planes that shoot gobs of white liquid. The new recruits prove themselves worthy of G I Joedom by being heroic. Let me tall you about these recruits. There's Jinx, a ninja who prefers to fight blindfolded, Law and Order, a MP and his dog. He's the token latino. There's some other guy who I had, but I don't remember his name. His specialty is that he could find a way to get into anywhere. Then there's some basketball player who pretends to be a commentator and always wears his jersey. Anyway, Falcon blows up Serpentor's royal chariot, and Serptentor gives the greatest line in all of cinematic history. Read this and be amazed:
"You, young one, you nearly thwarted my destiny!"
Now that's dialogue. Then he picks up a snake, straightens it (like in Conan) and throws it at Falcon. Duke jumps into the path of the snake, gets injured and slips into a coma. There's a touching scene where they're all gathered around, and Doc is trying to help, but there's nothing he can do, and Duke's last words before he slips into a coma are, "Yo... Joe..." Hawk turns away, tears streaming down his cheeks, and says the same thing. How utterly disgusting.
So, all the Joes go back to Cobra-La, and most of them get captured in there giant trees. The recruits steal some of the Dreadnocks' flying vehicles and rescue the captured Joes by blowing up the trees. The vines that held the Joes immediately decompose. It's no wonder Cobra-La went all to hell. So, there's another big battle, with Cobra Commander in almost complete snake form telling everyone he wassss a man, and Serpentor running around like a big wuss yelling, "This I command!" Then a bunch of monsters come along and wreak havoc on the Joes. There's these giant worms that no one could kill. Then someone (I forgot who, but for some reason I'm, thinking it's Duke) says to go for their underbellies. They're not invulnerable. Here's a quick question. How did he know? They never showed anyone killing one of these things. Did he read up on giant bug monsters before the mission? Is he guessing? We may never know. But the battle goes on, and we come to the climactic moment where Falcon confronts Serpentor who tells him he'll crush him like he did his brother. I guess Serpentor has extensive files on all the Joes which he studies frequently. So, there's this big climax that I completely miss. The tape was acting screwy.
The battle ends, and Duke wakes up from his coma.
Y'know, when I was a kid, and I first got into G I Joe, it was a strictly military organization. There were infantry soldiers, tanks, and planes. All of them existed in reality. Then everyone started using lasers and each vehicle came with 400 missiles. By the time the movie came out, it was like an episode of Masters of the Universe. As much as I like Masters of the Universe, when I want cartoon war drama, I want to see it in the cartoon war drama show. When I want cartoon fantasy, I'll look for it in the fantasy cartoon. I'm surprised they didn't somehow incorporate Transformers into the plot.
I learned one thing from this movie:
1. Having a prominent relative can really save you.