Hellraiser

For the most part, horror movies are crap, but every once in a while, one comes out that is so amazing, so profound, so incredible that it moves an entire generation. I'm reviewing Hellraiser instead.

There's this guy named Frank, you see, and he buys this special trick box, you know, the kind you get at magic shops. Well, this one's evil, and it unleashes hell, which tears him into tiny bits. His brother, Larry, is moving into a house with his new wife, and they're so in love. It turns out that the wife has been carrying on with Frank for some time now, and I guess she married Larry to um, help the plot. Anyway, Larry cuts himself, and blood drips into the floor, which brings Frank back to life, but he looks pretty decomposed. He needs more blood to become human-looking again. Naturally, the wife is ready to comply. She brings home men, kills them, and gives them over to Frank.

Then there's Larry's daughter. She's the hapless heroine, and she accidentally opens the Box o' Evil, summoning the demons (or daemons, if you're pop-goth). She makes a deal with them to give them Frank if they let her go. Sure, they say. They're evil, so of course they'll keep their word. Well, Frank kills Larry and wife. Daughter finds Frank and summons demons. Demons take Frank and try o take daughter, but closing the evil box makes demons go away. It's a good thing this works, too, because that was really the only thing she could do. Wouldn't it have been funny if closing the box did nothing?

"Oh yeah, demon, well take this!"
Closes box. Nothing happens.
"I said, take this!"
Opens box and closes it again.
"Um, it looks like my last minute solution didn't work. Can you hold on while a find a crucifix?"

The movie, as a whole, didn't work. It wasn't good. Sure, it had its moments, like the part where the words started scrolling up at the end, but other than that, it was pretty worthless.