Ok, here's the thing. I actually went to my easy computer class today, and we watched this video. Not wanting to miss a great opportunity for a review, I stayed and took notes. So. here, from the notes I took of this monstrosity, is the history of computers (or my review of it).
So, it's the end of World War II, and technology has developed quite a bit over that span of 6 years, what with RADAR, rockets, and the atomic bomb. Meanwhile, at the University of Pennsylvania, two guys named Walt and Moe decided to invent the computar machine for the military. So, they built what they called the Electronic Numerator Intarweb And Computar, or ENIAC, for short. So, they make this computar machine, and they try to sell other people on buying one as well. Unfortunately for them, there is no market for these newfangled electronic brains they got.
The ENIAC used a buttload of vaccum tubes, and it cost, like, $3 million to make, so the guys decided to look for an investor. They figured, I guess, that even though it was really hard to use, businesses would love to have one instead of an army of low-paid single women, after all, bookkeeping is tedious work, much like watching this video.
Eventually, the ENIAC guys took their idea to the US Census Bureau, and they jumped all over it, offering them a little over $300,000 to make them a computar machine of their own. In fact the guy in charge was so enamored with the computar machine that he called it magical. So, they start work on the UNIVAC, which, like the ENIAC, ends in AC.
Meanwhile, in London, Lyon's tea and pastry company decided that they need a computar, and since they couldn't buy one there, yet, they decided to make one. Suddenly, every other company in Britain wanted one of these new Lyon's computars. No one in the US cared.
Back in the US, Prudential Insurance ordered a UNIVAC, when the unthinkable happened. McCarthy showed up and said that the ENIAC guys have ties to the commies. Oh nos! So, they lose their defense contracts and a bunch of other stuff happens, and they're basically being made someone's bitch.
Then, in 1948, Roy Scheider played a trumpet.
The ENIAC guys had hit bottom. Their daily regimen of cocaine, valium, and antibiotics had taken its toll. Just when there was nowhere else to turn, the Remington Rand company, known most widely for its electric shavers, decided to take up the poor, broken ENIAC guys. Now was time for their comeback. They finally finished the UNIVAC for the census bureau, and it was used on national television to predict the outcome of the 1952 presidential election. CBS was certain that it would be a close one, so when UNIVAC said Eisenhower would win by a landslide, they hid the results, so as not to embarrass the UNIVAC. Well, it turns out Ike did win by a landslide, so CBS apologized. From that point on, UNIVAC was more popular than ever, not only in the government and the business world, but in the fashion and entertainment worlds as well. Everywhere you went, you say UNIVAC leotards, UNIVAC lunchboxes, UNIVAC action figures, and even UNIVAC hair picks. UNIVAC was now bigger than ever, and it was great.
Meanwhile, the son of the president at IBM pointed out to his father that this new computar machine would take away from business unless they did something. The president wouldn't hear it, so the son just whined and complained, and eventually, he got his way. So, IBM came out with the IBM 650. The 650 was slow, and not very good. Ok, they really sucked, but IBM had great salesmen, and by the end of the year, they had sold 9 of these machines. Unfortunately, software for these computars was really expensive.
You see, computar machines don't speak English like you and me. They speak a language called binary which is just a sequence of 1s and 0s. I'm sure you've heard all this before. Anywho, nobody liked binary, so they started inventing new computar languages like FORTRAN and COBOL. Once all this happened, a bull traced his ancestry. I'm not sure why that happened, but they made it a point to show us.
After the bull episode, computars started popping up everywhere, and people all over were in a panic over automation. They even shoed the token black guy talking like an idiot about how he'll have to turn to a life of crime to support his family, all because of automation. It's a good thing Ronald Reagan came along. He advertized for GE, and he pointed out that everything was gonna be ok.
So, the transister replaces the vaccuuum tube, and there's a now too many wires, so they have to invent the integrated curcuit, the first of which cost $1000. Then Russia sent a man into space, and Kennedy, in his desire to show off his great manhood, declared that America will land on the moon first, cuz we don't want those dirty nazi pinko sodomites contaminating our moon, dammit! Unbelievably, the computar machine that NASA commissioned worked, and man landed on the moon.