I don't know why I rented this. Maybe it was the great X-E article. Maybe it was the fact that I needed closure after the first three Jaws movies. Maybe I just wasn't thinking. Whatever the reason was, it wasn't very good. Before I'd ever seen a Jaws movie, I'd dismissed the whole series as schlocky monster movies. I figured I owed it to myself to at least see the first one after I'd become so enamored with Kevin Smith's movies. So, I finally saw Jaws, and I'll gladly say I enjoyed it. It really was well done, especially for a simple monster movie. Then something happened. I rented Jaws 2. I knew the sequelswould be bad, and I was expecting awfulness. I'm not saying Jaws 2 was good, but, to be honest, I'd see it again. It did have the highest body count, after all. Nevertheless, it wasn't a very good movie, although, due to my low expectations, I had to be somewhat impressed. Then I rented Jaws 3(D). I guess by this point I had either convinced myself that it couldn't be all bad or that I might as well go on, since I'd already seen the first sequel. Well, like I said in my review of it, I wan't the only one expecting Joel and the Bots to start commenting on it. It just wasn't good. Then, for some reason, I rented this one. It was bad. Really bad. It blew me away how bad it was, especially since it starred Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles.
Well, here's the synopsis: Chief Brody's dead from a heart attack, which his wife attributes to the shark. His son, Sean, who, having survived three giant shark attacks and having vowed never to go in the water again, is the new mayor of Amity. Naturally, this means he has to go in the water early on in the movie and get eaten (finally). Well, Mrs. Brody (Ellen) doesn't take to kindly to this and she just knows the shark is out for revenge. So, Mike Brody and his wife, Jenna come up with their 6 year old daughter, Thea. Mike Brody is in college in the Carribean, studying marine biology, evidently forgetting the previous Jaws movie. So, Mike convinces his mom to come down the the Carribean with them for Christmas. Little do they know that the shark is really clever and is going to find them within a matter of hours. You see, this is a really smart shark.
So, the Brodys charter a flight from a guy named Hoagie (Michael Caine) and go down south for a sunny Christmas. Mike and his buddy Eric (Mario Van Peebles) are looking at conch shells, and, wouldn't you know, there's the shark. Eric, of course, wants to study the shark. Mike's not so sure, but he is sure of one thing. He's not telling his family. Nope. He's suffered plenty of shark attacks, and he know from experience that they're a lot more fun if you don't know about the shark in advance.
Ellen falls for Hoagie and has flashbacks to scenes she was never there for. Jenna does art stuff. Thea goes on a banana boat. The shark, being a clever shark, goes for Thea, but he misses, eating a hapless bystander instead. Ellen is upset anyway, so she goes after the shark alone. I'm not sure what her plans are, but I'm sure it involved a serious talking-to and a time out. Mike, Erc, and Hoagie set out to find her in Hoagie's plane. They find her and crash-land the plane in the water where it is promptly attacked by the shark. The shark must not like Hoagie, though, since he gets away after everyone assumes he's dead. Of course, they never bothered to look for any blood surfacing, which is a telltale sign of a shark's eating a person. Then Eric gets a really good idea. He'll lean out and stick something in the sharks mouth for no good reason. This idea works, and the shark gets Eric. Don't worry, though. He lives. This is the suckiest Jaws movie for a reason, you know. Well, it's almost time for the movie to end, so Ellen pokes the shark with the boat. Then we hear what the Closed Captioning calls a "jarring chord" and what Tina and I both called "The Spanish Inquesition sound" and the shark pops, ending the terror for all of us.
Body Count:
Jaws: 6
Jaws 2: 9
Jaws 3(D): 5
Jaws 4: 2
Total: 22