When we last saw Colonel James Braddock (Chuck Norris), he had just escaped a Vietnamese prison camp. It was the early '80's, and he'd been there since 1972. He headed home to America to be with his wife.
Missing in Action 3 opens in 1975 with the fall of Saigon. Braddock's Vietnamese wife is preparing to leave the city, and Braddock is, of course, helping with the evacuation. All the while, a touching American song about freedom is playing in the background. Shortly after Mrs. Braddock leaves, her apartment is hit by a missile, and her made is burnt to a crisp. Don't worry, though. The maid wasn't American. Braddock shows up, notices the dead maid is wearing Mrs. Braddock's bracelet, and he assumes it's his wife. She's pretty much too mangled to make a positive ID. The real Mrs. Braddock is heading for the border, and someone steals her papers. It's all confusing, and Braddock's upset, and, well, you get the idea.
So, the touching freedom song plays, and we flash forward to present day (which I assume means 1988). Braddock's in a bar, nursing a beer, probably Budweiser, and a priest approaches him. I'll call him Father Gimble. I don't know why. Fr. Gimble is a foreign priest who does missionary work in Vietnam. He runs a home for Amerasian kids (i.e. the bastard children of Saigon whores who got some of that G.I. Goodness back in the day). It turns out that OMGWTFBBQ! Mrs. Braddock is alive, and she has a son! She was pregnant when she tried to leave Saigon. At first, Braddock doesn't believe her, but he comes around pretty quick. He consults the head of the CIA (at least I think it was the CIA), a guy named Littlejohn. Yes, just like the guy from Robin Hood. He, of course, knows all about the situation, and he has for years. He never told Braddock because he didn't want him running over there on some crusade to help those who can't help themselves. He tells Braddock that the US is going to do nothing to help those people, and Braddock best not step on any toes. Then Braddock delivers the single greatest line in cinematic history: "I don't step on toes, Littlejohn. I step on necks." Let me repeat that for all the people in the cheap seats. "I don't step on toes, Littlejohn. I step on necks." When the audience heard that, they all cheered. I've never been so proud to be an American. Of course, when I say cheered, I mean laughed, and when I say proud to be an American, I mean angry at George for getting me something for Christmas.
Luckily, Braddock has a friend. You know the guy. He's familiar with every bar between here and Siberia, he's an accomplished pilot, and he can get you anything you could ever possibly need at a moment's notice. His name is Mik, and he sounds Australian. Mik sets Braddock up with a flight to 'Nam and a speedboat with hidden weapons compartments. Braddock goes in, hides the boat and all his neat weapons, and pays a visit to Fr. Gimble, who gives him a hat and tells him where Mrs. Braddock and their son are. Braddock shows up, and there's a wonderfully rehearsed and heartfelt reunion. Braddock also meets his son for the first time. His name is Van, and he's very angry at Braddock for not being there and objecting to his being named after a vehicle. The three of them head back to the boat, and, oh nos! The boat is gone! And they're surrounded! The leader if the Vietnamese troops shows up, and he wants Braddock to confess to his war crimes. Rather than mention the confession he signed in the previous movie, Braddock gets all defiant, and the bad guy, I'll call him Jerry, shoots Mrs. Braddock in the head. Lucky for us the audience, this part was filmed in slow motion, so we had that really neat dramatic effect of Chuck Norris yelling, "No!" two octaves lower than his regular speaking voice.
So, Braddock and Van get taken prisoner, and Braddock is tortured, and it's a really tense sequence, and the Vietnamese really have no idea how to use electric nipple clamps. The torture sequence is pretty special. They bind Braddock's hands and attach them to an overly complex contraption that will fire a shotgun at Van if he lowers his arms too much. Eventually, they get fed up with waiting for Braddock to accidentally shoot Van, so they apply the nipple clamps to a leather collar and electrocute him. Braddock, being the Chuck Norris he is, cleverly pretends to pass out/die, so that he and Van can escape, which they promptly do. Evidently, in Vietnam, all guards stick to the commanding officer no matter what.
After a minor shootout, Braddock escapes, Van gets caught again, and Jerry imprisons the entire home for Amerasian kids, including Fr. Gimble. If Braddock is going to save his son, he's going to take the rest of the kids with him. This time, Braddock is fighting for those who can't fight for themselves. He's helping the kids. First, he sneaks back to where he hid the boat, finds the secret weapons compartments (which he hid underwater), and puts on his patented Braddock fightin suit. He also has some bombs, grenades, and a really nead supergun. It's time to go back. It's time to save the children. (They are our future, after all.)
Braddock sneaks onto the enemy base, using his patented Braddock sneaking skillz, and he finds the kids. One of the guards is about to take advantage of one of the girls. Fortunately, the guard has no idea what he's doing, and Braddock shows up in the nicj of time. Using his supregun, he stabs the guard (with the retractable blade, of course), and shoots him in the stomach with the grenade launcher. The guard flies through the wall and explodes. It's really quite dramatic. Braddock, Fr. Gimble, and the kids all pile into the truck and leave. When I say the truck, I am, of course, referring to the one truck the enemy has that is impervious to any kind of weapon. They always have one of these on an enemy base, just in case the hero needs to use it. Every other vehicle will explode if they come in collide with something like grass or air. Anyway, they escape the base, and Jerry yells, "Braddock" a few times. A helicoptor goes after them as they drive through the jungle and get shot many many times. They stop in a nice sheltered spot, abandon the safety of the truck, and run away when it finally blows up. This way, the malnourished children can get some much-needed exercise. After a bit of exploring, they come across an airstrip where a plane has just landed. Hey, Braddock can fly planes! That gives hime an idea.
Everyone gets on board the plane, and Braddock takes off. The enemy soldiers shoot at the plane, because the producers need an excuse for the plane to crash. Like in every action movie, one or two bullets hit the fuel tank and cause a leak. (If it were any other plane, it would have exploded already.) Braddock calls for help, and the plane endures a spectacular crash landing that rivals that of Jurassic Park III. Luckily for them, the border is not very far off. They all head that way, and Braddock does a bit of kickboxing. When they reach the border, everyone hides, except for Braddock. He has to confront Jerry one last time. This time, Jerry is in an attack helicoptor, and Braddock is on foot, thus giving Braddock a very clear advantage. To try to make things a little more challanging for Jerry, Braddock leaves his shirt on. Meanwhile, there's abunch of American soldier on the other side of the border. They can't do anything until Braddock beats the bad guy. Those are their orders.
So, the Jerry fires a few weapons at Braddock, and he gets a little bruised. He fires a few more, and Braddock isn't so much injured as worn out. Then Van comes out to help his dad. He helps him lift his gun, and together, they shoot the pilot, who slumps over the controls, and causes the coptor to crash into the ground. There's a lot of rejoicing, and the soldiers come across the border, and the kids are all safe, and Braddock and Van share a touching moment, seeing the love of freedom in each other's eyes.
George got me this movie for Christmas. I showed him a few highlights, and he apologized profusely. The movie was very reminiscent of the Rambo parody featured in UHF. It makes me appreciate, um, uh, the freedom of, er, uh. Shut up. Chuck Norris needs to stop.