A while back, I was out renting videos with my dad and brother. I saw this movie on the new release shelf, and the box promoted itself as "This year's Lake Placid". Now, I've seen Lake Placid, and, let me tell you, it's not something you want to compare your movie to. Anyway, seasons changed, and I grew older, and one day I was at Wal-Mart, and there, on the discount movies rack, were several copies of this Python movie. Intrigued, I read the back, and decided that it's definitely worth looking into. It had so much going for it, the obvious low budget, that Lake Placid comparison, and especially the cast, which included Robert Englund, Casper Van Dien, Jenny McCarthy, and TV's Wil Wheaton. Unfortunately, it cost a whole $6.96, and there's no way I'm gonna spend that kind of money on something I've never seen and will probably hate. So, I made a mental note to rent it sometime, a mental note which I quickly forgot, until Saturday.
I was flipping through channels, Saturday afternoon, and I noticed a movie was just coming on. It looked familiar, so I sat and watched it. It turned out to be, you guessed it, Lake Placid. So, I sat through that, cringing at the TV edits, and I was reminded of Python. Afterwards, I asked Tina if she wanted to rent a movie. We had been listening to the blues earlier, and, consequently, she was reminded of a movie we had seen on Fox, called Crossroads. We missed the end, though, because Fox suddenly went off the air. I'm not sure why. Anyway, this Crossroads movie was pretty good, even though it starred Ralph Macchio and Jami Gertz. So, I head out and pick up Crossroads, and, on a hunch, I looked around and eventually found Python. That night, I took it over to Dave's so we could all watch it, since Cthulu had been wanting to see it, too. Unfortunately, I missed half of it because Dave has a tendancy to over-analyze everything and complain about the lack of naked women, which gets pretty damn annoying after the first minute or so.
The next day, I watched it at home with Tina, and I was able to catch what was going on.
It starts off much like many other freak animal movies. There's a giant (60') snake bein transported somewhere, and the people flying the plane don't know exactly what it is they're transporting, just that it's moving around a lot. So, the idiot captain tells the other guy in back to go ahead and ignore all the warning stickers and take a look at what's inside. The guy is promptly eaten, and the bad CGI plane crashes into the mountains.
Meanwhile, a couple of women are out camping and, well, gettin' it on. One of them, Lisa, calls the other one, Roberta, Robert. Roberta gets pissed off and is cold toward Lisa, but Lisa apologizes, and they start to make out. Suddenly, Roberta feels something wrapping around her legs. It turns out it's just Lisa's pet Python, Lady G. Roberta goes off for a cigarette, and looks at a tree stump that says "John + Lisa". She asks who John is, and Lisa says, "You mean Joanna?" Suddenly, there's a rustling in the grass, and Roberta screams. Lisa sees what's going on and hides in the tent, which starts shaking violently.
The next morning, the main character, John, goes out with his friend, Tommy (Wil Wheaton), to visit their siginificant others at the lake. John is a bike entheusiast who works at his brother's (formerly father's) plant where they have huge vats of sulfuric acid. I'm not entirely sure what they do at the plant, aside from inhale toxic fumes and avoid getting immersed in acid. Tommy is a real-estate agent who is going to propose to his long-time girlfriend as soon as he starts making money like his mentor, Kenny the Closer. John and Tommy's girlfriends, Kristin and Theresa, respectively, are both at the lake, and they're talking about Tommy. John and Tommy show up, and they all hang out for a bit. Kristin is walking along, when she sees a snake. John rushes to her rescue, and finds Lady G, Lisa's snake. Kristin is a little suspicious, but Tommy recognizes the snake, too. Everybody knows Lisa. Well, along comes Deputy Greg. Deputy Greg is Kristin's former fiance and John's former best friend. He sees John with Lisa's snake, and asks him about Lisa, who, it turns out, never came home last night. John says he doesn't know anything, and Greg asks if it's true that he dated Lisa. "Everyone dated Lisa." Lisa got around. \
So, they find Lisa's body, and it's stripped to the bone, probably by some kind of acid. Well, John is the prime suspect, now, and he's asked not to leave town. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Robert Englund is brought in to be questioned by the NSA about this mysterious cargo. It turns out the mysterious cargo is a really friggin huge snake, but that's not all. It's a military project for the ultimate fighting machine. It has an insatiable hunger for human flesh, and its skin is nearly impenetrable. It can even deflect tank rounds. It can move up to 50 mph, and it's extremely intelligent. Also, it spits acid.
Remember Kenny the Closer? Well, he's off showing a house to Jenny McCarthy who plays, well, Jenny McCarthy. She's obnoxious. He's obnoxious. They get along great. While they'e negotiating the price, there's a loud crash. Kenny goes down to find out what it is. In a scene right out of Pulp Fiction, Kenny grabs a sword and looks in the garage to find that his beloved Porsche has been crushed. Well, Kenny's pretty upset, and he goes looking around for the kid he think did it. Behind one of the boxes, he finds a bloody skeleton covered in snake crap. Now, if you've ever watched any kind of natur show, you know that it take longer than 12 hours for something to pass through a snake's system, especially, considering the fact that they only need to eat once every few days. So, it's pretty much impossible for this to happen. Wait a minute. I forgot what I was watching.
Well, while Kenny is looking at the corpse, the snake sneaks up behind him and grabs him, shaking violently. Jenny McCarthy hears a commotion, and she comes downstairs, calling 911 on her cell phone. She sees the snake with Kenny in its mouth, and screams. Luckily for everyone, the snake also has a razor sharp tail, and it quickly uses it to decapitate Jenny. Hooray!
Wouldn't you know it, around this time, John comes in to pick up Tommy's camera. You see, Tommy had forgotten it and, well, it's a plot devide to get John there. He's taken into custody for questioning, and he swears he didn't do anything. Greg doesn't buy it. he sherrif doesn't but it. Lewis, the incompetant deputy wants his arrested. They still don't have anything, so they let him go. The next day, John and Greg have a bit of a scuffle. Greg ruins John's bike, and they both beat each other up. Afterwards, they decide that everything's settled. A bit later, the cops find the remains of Kenny the Closer, and John is arrested. Kristin yells at Greg, saying that she left him for John of her own volition, and that he needs to just settle things with John and move on with his life. Grege says that's already been taken care of, and he thinks' John's innocent.
Back at the police station, Greg and Lewis are interrogating John. Greg is the good cop, and Lewis is the bad cop. The sherrif walks in and says John can go. It turns out the real killer is an insane NSA operative who escaped his steel box.
I know this is really thrilling, isn't it?
So. The NSA guys and Robert Englund track the snake by radar, and they find it sleeping by the outskirts. The police are supposed to guard the perimeter while the NSA kills the snake. They shoot it with everything they have, and it survives, killing pretty much all the NSA guys, but not Robert Englund because he stood completely still, like in Jurassic Park. At this point you'd think they'd send in the military, right? Well, no. They just give up on the snake. It's easier that way. So Robert Englund takes refuge in an underground military bunker that just happens to be around.
That night, John, Kristin, Tommy, and Theresa make plans to go out camping or something the next morning. So, Theresa and Tommy are alone in Theresa's house, and her parents are out of town. They get to kissing, when they're both startled by the cat. Typical. Theresa goes to bed, and Tommy sleeps on the couch. Morning comes along, and Theresa wakes Tommy before going into the shower for the obligatory boob shot. So, she's showering, and there's a shadow on the other side of the curtain. The snake is watching her. Elsewhere in the house, Tommy is taking a leak. He flushes, and the shower turns ice cold. Theresa screams, and throws open the shower curtain. Much to her dismay, the snake is there. It eats the curtain and looks at Theresa hungrily. Now, somewhere in here, Theresa finds the time to grab a towel and wrap it around herself in what is possibly the best towel wrap in history. I guess the snake's mind was elsewhere while she did all that, but now it's back to business. Grabbing the first thing she can, she squirts a bunch of shampoo into the snake's eyes. It doesn't phase it. The label on the shampoo bottle says No Tears Baby Shampoo. Great. So, she's screaming for Tommy. He rushes to her rescue, but the snake closes the door. There's a bit of a struggle, and Tommy finally gets the door open. Theresa has successfully eluded the snake, and she tells Tommy to run. Why? There's a snake. What? A snake. "Dude, you got me out of bed for a snake?" The snake then eats Tommy. Good-bye Wil Wheaton. We barely knew ye. Theresa runs out the house and into the pickup truck. The snake is following her, but she stays ahead of it. So, the snake takes a shortcut and pulls the rear axle off the truck. Theresa gets out and runs, hiding in a rock formation.
John and Kristin are on their way to pick meet Tommy and Theresa, and they find the pickup sans rear wheels. They must be around somewhere. Kristin starts honking the horn, getting the snake's attention. For a hyper-intelligent snake, this think's pretty stupid. It goes after Kristin but gets its head caught in the Jeep. Kristin and John escape on their bikes. The head for the nearest shelter they can find - the military bunker. They meet Robert Englund, and he fills them in on the snake. Theresa eventually shows up, still in the towel. John makes a snappy remark. Theresa responds with the news about Tommy. Luck for Theresa, the abandoned compound has clothes that fit her. No more wonder towel.
The four of them call Greg and devise a plan to trap the snake inside the place and blow it up. Lucky they had that military bunker in town, eh? John gets the snake's attention and goes down a shaft into the bunker, doing the classic Tom Cruise Mission Impossible thing. He runs across the bunker to the other shaft, where he puts on the rope. The other end of the rope is tied to the police car. He's pulled up and out. Five minutes later, they finally get around to closing the two shafts. They don't lock them. Just close them. In this time, the snake has opted not to come out of one of the shafts. Instead it goes back and unplugs the exploseives. So, Theresa hits the detonator. Nothing happens. Obviously, the snake unplugged the explosives. What other explanation could there possibly be? So, in an effort to redeem himself, Robert Englund goes in and detonates them by hand. There is much rejoicing, but it's cut short when the snake comes out unscathed.
Darn.
So, they decide blowing it up won't work. Maybe, and this is just a hunch, but maybe they could take it back to the acid plant and kill it with acid. So, they do that, and the snake finally gets it.
Six months later, Greg is accepted at Quantico (the FBI school), and John has opened a successful bike shop and bar. Also, Kristin is pregnant. The end.
As far as good movies go, this isn't one of them. There's enough holes in the plot to choke a llama. As far as B movies go, however, this one's a definite winner.