Personal Ramblings

Personal Ramblings

12-17-3

So, yeah. I think, and I'm sure Dave'll support me on this, that I need a new hard drive. I installed some stuff on it, and every time I use it, it's just.... Really.... Slow.

And this is the new one that came with the Gateway we bought all too recently. It's a 60G hard drive that I can't use without the machine freezing up on me, and it pisses me off.

Lucky I saved all my Yoda progress.

Incidentally, I think the autumnal release of the movie is going to be delayed. Again. Oh well.

Dammit. Now the CD drive won't open.

Why do I keep thinking Wednesday is Friday?

12-2-3

It's been a while since I rambled. I'm working an overnight. It's 2:49 a.m. Iget off at 10.

Grooving out to Standard Deviation...

What is there to say that hasn't been said? I feel like a part of my life is over. An era has ended for me. I can't really define it. I'm starting to feel old. It's rather odd for me. I'm no longer that rebellious youth I was. I'm not clinging to scraps of my childhood like I used to. I find myself really relating to Johnny Cash's version of Hurt more than Nine Inch Nails'. Maybe I just mellowed out. I don't know. I'm guessing a large part of it has to do with that recent bout with suicidal depression. It seems so long ago right now, but it really wasn't. Things are just different now.

Several weeks ago, I was very depressed, and I got really stoned and talked to Teresa. It was very therepeutic for me. Come to think of it, I think a lot of what I am becoming hinged on that conversation. I've always felt that I'd been at odds with my father. I was always the black sheep of the family. I was the middle child. Joe was the oldest. Teresa was exempt, because she's the girl, and George is the baby of the family. I've always just been really quiet and I marched to the beat of my own drum, so to speak. I felt like I was always confronting Dad, resisting his influence on me. I see a lot of him in myself now, but then, there were so many differences. I was the rebellious one. I was always trying to defy him. I guess I always saw him as the lawmaker/keeper of the family, and I felt I had to challenge that. It's never been new to me to go against the norm. I was always emotional as a child. I've never been macho. I tried. I gave sports a whirl, failed miserably, and dismissed it. I went out of my way as a teenager to assert my individuality, going so far as to marry someone I'd just met. (Thankfully, that worked out wonderfully.) I think a lot of that was rebelliousness. I see that now.

Anyway, I'd gotten to thinking about that and my relationship with him now. I felt like there was a bit of bad blood between us, at least on my part, and it struck me just how difficult I'd made life for him. I looked at where I am now, and I started to think of how I would reflect his skills as a parent, how I failed as a son, and how I would pass on his legacy. Dad was always a great person. He'd had to deal with so much bullshit, and he always came through. I mean, quitting his job based on principles and moving to Europe to study philosophy with a large family in tow? Good lord! And he pulled it off, raising three decent human beings in the process. And me. How disappointing am I? Here's this kid who jumps into situations he can't handle with reckless abandon, who moved out at 18 and got married, who shrugged off college, and who abandoned the religious backbone that he'd built up since he was a child.

So, I was baked and depressed, and I told Teresa my concerns. I'd always had a good relationship with her, except the usual sibling bullshit. We're about the same age, so we went through a lot of the same things at the same time. She's also a girl, so I was more comfortable talking to her. (I can't talk to guys.) Anyway, I expressed my concerns, and she reassured me that Dad was very proud of me, that I have incredible clarity of thought, and that I'm one of the most brilliant people he knows, constantly challenging him intellectually. She also told me that it was weird going away to college, then to the Philipines, which I just misspelled, and Kosovo, then coming back to meet a grown-up me. I can't help but think, where was I? Here I am, now, following in Dad's footsteps, after repeatedly telling myself I would do something entirely different with my life.

But I think that's the thing. I've taken what I've learned from my dad and used it to live my life on my own terms, something I've always done. Even after all the differences we had and difficulties I've caused, I turned out pretty well.

Thanks, Dad.

So, where does this put me?

I have no idea.

I'm an observer. I prefer not to get involved, unless it's to throw a wrench into the system, whatever it may be.

So, people have been pestering me to ramble. Might as well put up some crappy pictures while I'm here, huh?

...and it makes me wonder...

I find myself with a new perspective, a new outlook on life. I've never really had any goals, aspirations, or life projects before, and I still don't. I never wanted to be anything when I grow up. I never really had any future plans.

I still don't.

I think my biggest goal right now is to helpo George get his music career off the ground. I'd always dug his music, and I realized that telling him he couldn't sing wasn't constructive at all. Sure, he could benefit from voice lessons, but that's not important right now. He's a damn fine musician, and I think he's got a lot to offer. I've been encouraging him to try to distribute his CDs to independent record stores and whatnot. Just get it out. He's going to California this November, and he'll be moving there in January, so I think that could be really good for him, provided he takes the first step. I'm just afraid he won't, and he'll regret it. There's really nothing stopping him right now. He just needs to make the effort.

Last week, I stayed home and went through a period of self-discovery. Like I said, I've never had any plans, goals, or aspirations. I never wanted to do or be anything. I'm 26, and I feel like I've already lived the first half of my entire life. I'm just riding it out until I die. I don't want anything out of it. I just want to enjoy the trip as much as possible. It can all go away at any moment, and I'm at a point in my life, now, where I'm fine with that, I think. I don't pretend to have all the answers. The way I see it, and this is my take on life, the universe and everything, we're just animals. We're incredibly inteelligent animals (comparatively), but when it all comes down to it, we're all just part of the big cycle of nature. I've come to accept life as a happy accident and morality as a social construct.

Basically, the way I see it right now is that morality is just a set of rules we (as a species) have made up to try to live in harmony with one another. There are some who see it as a bunch of limitations (i.e. don't rob, cheat, kill, etc.) and some who see it as an opportunity to better themselves by being altrusitic. I find myself in the latter catagory. I concern myself with a lot of things that have no bearing on my life, and that I cannot change. I think a lot of life is just balance. I follow the idea of Yin and Yang, that there are opposing forces within and without us, and true happiness comes from bringing those forces into harmony. Hence the tattoo. It's not just a trendy symbol for me. It means something. It's important.

I also think that, while we are merely animals who have made life a lot more complicated than it needs to be, we are also spiritual. There is an imperceptible and undefined aspect to us. A spark of life, if you will. A lot of who we are, in fact, most of who we are is physical. At birth, the spirit is a blank page that has no influence on the body. Throughout life, the spirit gains the bodily experiences, but lies dormant. After death, the spirit is merely a continuation of the body. I think in some people the spirit can awaken early, and in others, it never wakes up.

Why are we here? To answer a question with a question, what does it matter?

Heh. I laundered my dice.

Anyway, that's just an idea. Frankly, I don't know. It's just ideas, I guess. That, and excuse for being difficult.

In coming to terms with my own mortality, I've learned how pointless it all is. It's very liberating to me. It makes me laugh. We take it all sooo seriously, and rather than taking everything sooo seriously, we just need to lighten up a little bit.

I guess, in a sense, I've come to agree with Nietzsche about life.

9-19-3

I forgot to date my previous ramble. Oh well. I don';t even remember when I wrote it. Anyway, I gots me a new tattoo. It's a yin yang. I got in in Bowling Green with Jenny. It was a bonding experience. She had to hold my hands when she got hers, cuz she's afraid of needls, and it hurts, I guess (although it doesn't hurt nearly as much as people say).

I was able to find the Levity soundtrack, finally. It wasn't easy, though. It's pretty good, very EELS. I also finally picked up Johnny Cash's last album. I'd been meaning to get a copy, and I figured, now that he's no longer with us, you know...

Anyway... I really need to get that computer taken care of. I'm still working on Yoda, and I want to get it done, so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

I borrowed Medal of Honor from George. It's pretty badass.

So, we went to see The Matrix Reloaded last night. I still don't see why people think it's OMG SO HORRIBLE!!! It's like they don't want to be entertained, and they can't grasp the philosophical elements, so they dismiss it all. I think that's bullshit. There's a lot going on that you don't catch the first time. There's also a lot of philosophical issues, just not the same ones. They're exploring things deeper. I guess the best analogy I can put together is that if The Matrix is Philosophy 101, The Matrix Reloaded is a 300 level course.

My theory (and everyone has one) about how it's going to be resolved is this:

BTW, if you haven't seen the movie, don't read this part.

In an interview with shortly before Reloaded came out, Laurence Fishbourne said that his character was part Obi-Wan and part Darth Vader. Keep this in mind. Ath the end of the first movie, Neo jumps into Smith's body and destroys him. In the second movie, after meeting with The Oracle, Neo confronts Agent Smith. Smith has been unplugged from the Matrix. He is a renagade machine out to kill Neo. He has also gone through a transformation. He is no longer part of the system, but an individual. He has also been infected by Neo with humanity. So, while Smith is still essentially a machine, he also begins to become human. This manifests itself later on in the movie. When Smith first confronts Neo, he tries to copy himself into Neo, but he fails. Later in the movie, he tries to copy himself into Morpheus and fails. At the end, Neo somehow stops the sentinels, causing all kinds of confusion. I believe that, just as when Neo gave Smith that bit of humanity, Smith gave Neo a bit of machinity, so to speak. That is to say when Smith clones himself, his machine nature destroys the humanity in the victims. Since he was unable to fully copy himself into Neo and Morpheus, their humanity remains intact, however, they also have the machine aspects as well. Neo, being the One, can recognize it and not allow it to influence him, because he can see the Matrix for what it is. So, he gains the abilities without the intentions. Morpheus, however, is not the One. He gains the abilities (although he may not know it) as well as the intentions (which he also may not be aware of).

Smith is now in the real world in the form of Bane, and he's doing his damnedest to destroy the humans. He is also very curious, however, about what it is to be human. He cuts himself because he has never felt pain, and this human thing is entirely new to him. How will all this play out? I don't have the slightest idea.

Thematically, I think that the issue of choice is being woefully misunderstood. The general view is that this movie is saying there's no such thing as choice. This is not the case. The movie is saying that there is no choice within a purely logical system. The human factor is ignored in the Matrix, and that's what cause the 1% to wake up. People make choices, but they do not understand them or their consequences. They make decisions based on things other than reason. The machines only have reason. Humans, while rational, are also animals. Hence the uncomfortable party sequence in Zion. It's illustrating the embrace of humanity around its very nature. Machines have functions. That is why they exist, and it's the only reason they exist. They have no choice, only function or purpose. Humans have more than that. Humans do more than just serve their purposes. They celebrate, entertain themselves, dance, talk, fuck, play, love, etc.. Do you see what I'm getting at here? The Matrix is a means to force humans into serving their functions. The theme here is that humans are not merely functional, and it is because of that that they have choice. It is because of that choice that the machines will ultimately fail.

How will it all end? We already know that Neo chose to save Trinity, dooming the lives of every human in the Matrix. I think everyone in the Matrix will die, but they'll all be transformed into Agent Smiths, first, so the audience doesn't feel bad about it. The humans will defend Zion successfully because the machines' main power source is destroyed.

God, y'know, I've been kinda, i dunno, going through another transitional phase. See, here's the thing. I've started to reevaluate my life, and I've come up with several conclusions which, hopefully, will make me a better person (whatever that means). Last week (or perhaps the week before) I was really depressed. I was in lots of pain because of the surgery. I was upset over the brewing Dave situation, and I was generally depressed. It occurred to me, and this is the basis of my transition, that I am going to be miserable for the rest of my life. Every single day, I will take medication that reminds me that I'm depressed. Most of the time, the medication works, but sometimes, and more frequently than I'd like, it doesn't, and I get really really badly depressed. It's an illness for which there is no cure, only treatment, and the treatment is only temporary. I will always come back to the unfathomable emotional pain. Always. The part that really struck me is that this will never ever go away.

Frankly, I can't live like this. I looked at my options. Basically, I could continue living in misery, or I could end it with a variety of means. It's a choice between misery and death. Maybe if I was bipolar, I'd have a better outlook, but I just have major depression, so I'm either content or woefully depressed. The contentedness is ok. It's nothing really special. The depression is unbearable, and, like I said, it will never go away. I can only hold it off for so long.

So, I got to thinking, what is it about death that's so bad? I mean, really? It can't be that bad. Every living entity on the planet (and elsewhere) is going to die. That's the natural progression of things. So, why do I fear it? It's really not a very rational fear, especially for someone like me. Death is not something to fear. So, why is it bad? Well, if you think about it, you're not going to mourn your own death. You won't care. When I'm dead, I'll be burned up of turned into worm food. Either way, I'm not around anyomore to care.

So, why is death bad? My only conclusion is that it's only really bad for the people who aren't dying. They have to come to terms with the fact that they're never going to see a loved one again. It can be hard to suddenly lose a relationship with a person and know that he's never coming back. It's very painful. The great thing about it, though, is that humans are resilient enough to overcome the pain and move on with their lives.

This brings me to the next question. Why should I keep living? I have no goals. I'm not looking forward to anything. I'm not really all that necessary. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I'm a consumer in the purest sense of the world. All I do is take up resources.

But people will miss you. Yes, but death is normal. People die every day. You mourn and move along with your life.

You have so much to offer. Not really. All I do is bitch and moan about things I can't or am too lazy to control. Sure, I'm smart, but there are people out there who are smarter than me. I'm really not much of a bargain. I have no plans for the future. I have no one who really depends on me to live.

But your friends like having you around. So I should have to suffer for the benefit of my friends? That doesn't seem right.

What about the afterlife? What about it? There's hundreds of religions with hundreds of theories about life after death. To be honest, chances are they're all wrong, and the fact that I was raised to follow a system of beliefs that I have come to disagree with has no bearing on what is true. In other words, I was raised to believe in and fear Hell, but I don't anymore. I have no reason to, and I cannot believe that a forgiving god would punish someone with eternal damnation (whatever that may be) because he wasn't "good enough".

So, why stick around? Well, mostly because I pledged my life to Tina, and I'm holding true to that. In other words, the reason I chose not to kill myself if my love for her. She is the reason I'm alive, and she's the only real purpose of my existence.

Now, before you start freaking out about anything, let me continue.

This new perspective has got me thinking. It gives me an answer to life's great question that, while not necessarily noble or honorable or right, allows me to go on with my life. This is why I'm here, and only this. Everything else is details. I've decided to live on my terms, not suffer everyone else's. I'm alive only to keep Tina company and make her laugh. You have no idea how freeing that is. Nothing else is my concern unless I choose to make it so.

For too long have I been overwhelmed by factors that I cannot control, factors that distract me, factors that lead me astray of my goals, whatever they may be. None of that matters now. I am free.

9-8-3

I don't have much time to ramble, so I'm just popping in to say hi. There's way too much for me to go into right now, but I'll get to it sooner or later.

8-13-3

"Got a sky that looks like heaven. Got an earth that looks like shit. It's getting hard to tell where what I am ends, and what they're making me begins."

You know, that's a great album, and P.S. You Rock My World really makes it.

Tomorrow's my final. Then I'm done! Horray! And the joy will be ruined when I get my ass butterflied on Friday. Yippee.

I'm planning on doing an MSPaint feature about my procedure.

I'm thirsty.

I'm done writing. I've been doing too much of it.

And I'm burned out from philosophy.

"Didn't we have some good times after all is said and done?"

8-11-3

Hmmm...

It seems I last rambled 10 days ago. I don't really know why that matters, but hey.

I am almost done putting cleaning the closet (i.e. putting up the Star Wars collection). I also fixed my Ram Man (the vintage one) with a Pex dispensor spring. I like Pez. I have a few figures I need to post on my custums page, and I'll probably have more by the time I get pictures of them. I corrected the R5-D4 I got from Dave (and added a bad motivator that pops up, just like in the movie). I also did a repaint on a figure I picked up at EB, because the figure kicked ass, and I wanted to make her into a Future Cop. I'm also gonna do an Endor Leia, which is basically just the speeder bike Leia with a removeable helmet. Ineed to decide on a head, though. I also want to make Zorm the Destroyer, because it's a cool name for a figure, although I have no idea what he looks like. I'm thinking something like either a Balrog or an office temp. Or I could do both and have one of them be Vanquar the Secretary. Thik I should do a tally of how many SSW figures I have? I know I have at least 200 loose.

Someone needs to commission a figure from me, too. but not yet. I still have a buttload of cleaning I need to do.

I have Efil's God going through my head. I'm not sure why, though. It's probably because it's what was playing in the car when I came here.

I don't have anything profound or even noteworthy to say, today, except that maybe I should ummm... ok, I got nothing. Sorry.

8-1-3

Life is funny, but not ha-ha funny. Peculiar, I guess.

Unless you've been avoiding me for the past God-knows-how-long, you're aware that I've been listening to the EELS a lot. George told me that the EELS sound like what I would sound like if I had a band. The music is simple, and the lyrics are very me.

Emotionally, I've become very connected with Electro-Shock Blues. It's a very sad album. I started really getting into it when I realized that I've just been really sad for the past several weeks. I've hidden it well until now, now that the sadness has become to strong for the wall I've built around myself. I wouldn't say I'm depressed so much, just sad. I'm in more of a The Wall kind of state than in a The Downward Spiral state, although I think I can easily make the transition. As it is, though, I'm mostly just sad.

I rented Girl Interrupted, seemingly out of the blue, but I think it was the natural progression. I need some time away from my life. I need to go home.

Or somewhere.

7-25-3

I've been working on web pages all morning. I'm rambling now, whih means I'm almost done. Yay!

So, I last rambled on the 7th. Since then, I've seen the EELS in concert (which rocked so hard my ass bled) (not really, but it did rock), bought a car (97 Saturn SR1, light minty green), and almost finished a custom (which is really just a repaint, but I did trim the hair a little). I'm doin good. I got my mojo working.

Meanwhile, Dave's pissing everyone off. Well, not everyone. He's really being overwhelming as a Bush apologist, arguing about the economy, while he knows nothing about economics, getting drunk and being an asshole (yes, Dave, you're an asshole when you're drunk). I think he's repressing. He's stressed about the whole Emily situation and moving really soon, and whatnot, so he relieves it by waxing philosophical about everything and trying to justify the president's actions. In other words, he has sand in his vagina again.

I'm hungry.

What to do for lunch. Should I go home or stay on campus and kill time. Maybe I'll see what George is doing.

I dunno. I have to be back at 2:30 to teach (or not teach) a web page StartUp.

I did some major updating today, though. I forgot to add Python to my list o' movies I have. Damn.

Oh, and I get to have my ass butterflied on the 15th!

Can't say I'm looking forward to it, though. I mean who wants a butterflied ass? I'll probably MSPaint some pics to describe the procedure in more detail. I'll do that after surgery, tho, when I know what happened.

I've been trying to compile a list of movies I want to own, cuz I like movies, see. Not sure whether you caught on to that fact or not.

Anyway, we can't spend money anymore (well, not as much) until we get the car payed off, which sucks, but it's worth it.

7-7-3

I got EELS tickets. I'm gonna see em on the 23rd. I'm pretty happy about that. I also took a week off, so I'm feeling much better. Not only that, but Teresa's home! Woohoo!!

I also finished filming Yoda. Now I'm working on the greenscreen, and after that, I'm gonna start putting together the animations. Then it's off to George for scoring. Hooray! I'm actually about halfway done with the greenscreen, so that's good. I think I got the hardest part out of the way.

Jenny got home from France, so she's been hanging out, too.

My ass has been uppity, though, which sucks, well, ass. I really hate this whole cyst thing. They'll probably have to butterfly my asscrack and drain it or something. It sounds like a lot of fun. I can hardly wait. It's been getting worse, I think, lately, or at least reverting to its former awfulness.

I'm sure you just love hearing about my ass problems, don't you?

Hey, guess who got engaged!

If you said Emily, you guessed right! I think she feels the need to have a man in her life, possibly to compensate for her lack of a father. Her new fiance is in the midst of a divorce, so she'll be a stepmom, which is not something I'd wish upon anyone (i.e. going right into a marriage with children already involved). They've been together for 3 months, but they're going to marry in May of next year. I'll probably be invited, unless, of course, this engagement runs the same course of her previous one. At any rate, I'm hesitantly happy for her. I'm not gonna say this whole thing is a big mistake, since, well, I did pretty much the same thing, and we've been married over 7 years. Gosh. That seems so recent, but wow.

We have come quite a long way, since we first got married. No one thought this thing would work, and we proved them all wrong. I'm happy to have spent the past 7+ years with Tina, and I look forward to a bunch more. There's a part of me, though, that wants the rest of me to feel guilty for dragging this whole thing out. That is to say, part of me feels like I'm just been breezing through my marriage with little or no involvement, like it's just an easy game, and I hate that part of me. It's like I should feel guilty for never taking our marriage seriously, but I do take it seriously, but I guess not enough, or something. I can't really seem to explain it very well, can I? Let me try this:

Part of me is trying to convince the rest of me that our marriage is a sham, and that I've been playing a game the part 7+ years, right? The rest of me knows that isn't true, because, well, let's face it, our first few years together weren't the most pleasant years of our lives. Frankly, they were very difficult, and I'm very proud that we were able to overcome them. Despite all the hard times (The first few years, the summer of 1999, etc.) I still love her, even more than before. I'm happy that we're still together, because of or in spite of, those rough patches. So, I guess what I'm saying is that little voice telling me I'm a fake should go bugger off and stop fucking with me.

I love you, Tina.

6-23-3

I'm angry.

I have been for the past few days. First I was just sad, but now I'm angry.

I'm angry because of my cyst. I'm angry because I'm 25 years old, and I have to have someone clean my ass each day. I'm angry that I can't wear pants without ruining them, unless I wear a fucking pantyliner avery day. I'm angry that I'll no longer be able to proudly tell people I've never had surgery. I'm angry that I have to take all this in stride and pretend it's nothing. I'm angry that I'm ashamed of all of it. I'm angry that I can't seem to deal with it. I'm angry. I'm fucking pissed off. It's embarrassing. I hate it. All of it.

I'm angry about Fuffy's page. I'm angry about my math class. I have to do a Minitab instead of take a final. I'ts worth 100 points, and I can't make the goddamn program do what I want it to. I had one due today, and I know I'm going to get a bad grade on it, because, even though I followed the commands that were written out, it looked nothingh like it was supposed to. I am so sicvk of this shite, and I want it to stop, now. It's the last week for this session, and after that, I need a vacation. I'm burning out. And don't tell me it's better to burn out than fade away (Kurt Cobain first said that LOL!), please fuck off. I don't need that shit right now.

I'm still angry.

I'm angry now that I realize that I haven't been as authentic as I'd like. I'm angry that I edit myself for others. I'm angry that I can't be honest about everything because it's socially unacceptable. I'm angry that Frank died. Don't tell me to get over it. Bugger off. I'm angry that I never got to graduate from the high school I worked so damn hard at getting into and succeeding in. I'm angry that my car can't leave the area for fear that it'll die. I'm angry that this is the only means through which I can really express myself. I'm angry at Metallica for making such a shitty record. I'm angry at critics for labeling anything that isn't mainstream bad. I don't know.

I hate the president. I hat his administration. I hate the press. I can't think of much out there that I actually like, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I act like I'm some sort of special person who knows what's best for people, but I'm not. I'm just some guy.

6-18-3

I want to revamp FTN soon. I'm not happy with the layout, the graphics, the fonts, the graphics, the layout, or the fonts. I want it to look new and professional. I want it to look, you know, good for a change.

I was painting the ambulance yesterday, and I put in Electro-Shock Blues by the Eels. I hadn't actually sat down and listened to it before, and I have to say it's a damn good record. It's not so much depressing, like some would say. When I think depressing, I think more along the lines of The Downward Spiral or Kid A. They're both depressing but in different ways and on different levels. Electro-Shock Blues is not.

For those of you who don't know the story, here's what happened. Mark Oliver Everett (E) is the son of famous physicist/mathematician Hugh Everett III. He didn't get his father's math gene. Hugh Everett III died in 1982. In 1996, E's mother died of cancer. The same year, E discovered his sister's lifeless body on the bathroom floor. Electro-Shock Blues is an album of E coping with his loss. The cover shows a child's drawing of a boy and a girl (with a puppy on a leash) flying toward the moon. The first song is called Elizabeth on the Bathroom Floor. The second song is Going to Your Funeral. The mood for the album is set. It's a very sad album. Sad, but hopeful. I really enjoyed it. Ultimately, though, it isn't really depressing. It's hopeful and uplifting, and very much alive, for better or for worse. I recommend it to anyone who finds this kind of thing interesting.

I've also been listening to Shootenanny! a lot. It's also quite good, but in a completely different way. It seems to be a natural followup to Souljacker.

I have a test tomorrow in math. Luckily, I get to use my notes. Then I get to go see the butt doc about my cyst and probably schedule my surgery. Tina and I agreed that if I do get the operation, I'm gonna drop my hours and still go to class. That way, I can live off the finaid and only have to sit 6 hours a week instead of 20+.

I've become addicted to playing Armagetron, which is a homemade Light Cycles game (from Tron). It's fun and addictive, and I'm stuck on it.

There was a thread in GBS about favorite Weird Al songs, and someone mentioned Good Ol Days, and it put the song Good Old Days in my head (the Eels song, not the Weird Al song), and I really really like that song a lot. "It's up to you and me, and who's to say? These could be the Good Old Days." I just like the guy's perspective on life a lot.

I believe that every generation, every time period has its philosophers, and they are celebrated and revered in their days as well as days to come. For example, there's Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Confucius, Lao Tzu, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Hegel, Descartes, et al. It seems to me that most people view philosophy as a thing of the past, and they view philosophers as wacky old men who at one time were powerful enough to influence the entirety of a civilization, which, I guess, is true. But what strikes me is that people don't think there are any famous great philosophers around anymore. Sure, back in the day, people would flock to see the wise old Socrates. People loved to read Hobbes's writings. But these days, it seems there's nothing like that. I, personally, disagree. I believe that a large portion of modern philosophy has become disguised as entertainment. Much like Niezsche and his Also Sprach Zarathustra, I think people now are philosophizing through music, film, and narrative.

I was AIMing with Joe earlier today, and he sent me a link to a posting on a Rush board asking if Ayn Rand was a philosopher. His response was that in some ways, she had philosophical tendancies, but she was not, strictly speaking, a philosopher in the traditional sense. This made me recall Zarathustra. Nietzsche, as you may know, was a nutjob with a very loose grasp on reality. He eventually went insane and died of syphillis. Before that happened, though, he wrote what is considered one of the greatest philosophical documents out there by most philosophers. The document was Also Sprach Zarathustra, and it was a work of fiction that he wrote during brief fits of mania. The story, while odd, expresses a world view, a philosophical agenda that has intrigued thinkers for over a century. Zarathustra has to be one of the most brilliant books written, and while I may not agree with what it's saying, I have to appreciate the genius behind it, nutty as he was. I believe that a lot of modern philosophy is like that. I think Nietzsche started something important by combining philosophy and art.

I guess if you asked me today who my favorite great living philosopher was, I'd have to say Bob Dylan, although I don't think he'd recognize himself as one.

6-16-3

Math is trying to kill me. I just know it. But I won't let it! Not me! Nope! I think I'll just die another day.

Anyway, seeing how this site is called NGL Presents:, I have something new to present. BLEEDING ASS!!!!1!

Long story short, I have a pilinoidal syst, only without the syst part, although I think I'm developing the syst part. At any rate, it's annoying, it bleeds for days, ruins my pants, and it's starting to actually hurt, now. So, I'm probably going to have to have it surgically removed. It's pretty much right at the end of my tailbone, so sitting isn't the most pleasant of activities for me, and I doubt it will be terribly pleasant after the operation. I don't know when I'll be eable to have it done, either, since I only have a week off between classes. Plus I have to work.

I get to see the surgeon on Thursday at 2:00, I think, and before that, I have to get me an enema. Hey, if I have to deal with it, you have to deal with hearing about it, buddy.

I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My shrink says to skip the surgery and just pop the thing when it gets bothersome. Course, that doesn't really address the aspect of the BLEEDING ASS!

But what can you do....

I watched Resident Evil the other night, and I noticed in one shot, Milla Jovovich is wearing jeans under her dress, unless I'm mistaken. I need to screencap it.

Been listening to Shootenanny! a lot, lately. Good album. It hasn't engrained itself into my psyche yet, though.

I have to say SSX Tricky is oodles better than SSX.

I wanna get Yoda Rennt done this fall. That's my hope. Fortunately, Fall ends on 12-21, so I have until 10 days before the end of the year. But still. I have a buttload to finish.

And math is trying to kill me. It's confusing as all hell, and the prof acts like it's all painfully obvious, which I guess it is to him, but Goddamn!

I need a vacation.

Of all the Wieners out there, I'd have to say Oscar Mayer's are my favorite.

6-9-3

Today's divisible by three.

So, I did horribly on my math test.

Cuz I'm a frickin idiot. I tell ya, if I'd bothered to check my goddamn work when I was don, it never would have happened. I'm so disappointed in me.

I like beer.

I finally got my copy of Electro-Shock Blues in the mail (and I picked up Shootenanny! at Media Play). They're both pretty good. I haven't actually listened to them very much, but I dig what I heard.

No one used the word dig in theat way anymore.

We gave my dad a pitchfork for his birthday. It's pointy. And pitchforky.

Dave got another nasty e-mail from Emily's mom (after she was supposed to have agreed never to contact him ever again). She'll be hearing about this. And the letter didn't include the check.

I could go for a hot dog right now. Mmmm... Oscar Mayer wieners.

Did you know that doh has been added to the OED? That means you can use it in Scrabble. Sweeeeet.

I need a break.

Maybe I'll go to the bookstore.

Or not.

I don't know.

6-4-3

Been a while since I rambled. I'm about due.

So.

The thing is I don't really have much to say. I'm still waiting for my Eels album to show up. I've been working on Yoda Rennt, lately. I still need to make the interior of an ambulance.

I also need a new battery for my camera. (The little lithium battery, not the bigass $482 one.)

Emily came by yesterday. It was good to see her again. It's odd being friends with Dave and Emily now. Each has a different point of view and, thus, a different twist on the events that have occurred. Dave sees Emily as a child who's letting her mother control her life, completely, and who's dating a married guy with two kids, so she's basically a homewrecker, now, and she's doing everything in her power to fuck him over. Emily sees Dave as a psycho stalker who is out to get as much out of her as humanly possible and who is doing everything in his power to fuck him over whilst still pining for her, and getting drunk nightly because he can't be with her anymore.

Or something.

The fact of the matter is both of them are going on with their lives and are doing their respective bests to end this whole ordeal once and for all.

It amazes me how two people who had shared their lives together, their entire selves, for that matter, can become so hateful toward each other. I think a large part of it is jealousy and the sense of betrayal.

...

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.

I wasn't terribly impressed with Emily's new boyfriend, though (who is going through a divorce), and I don't really trust him, but that may just be my paternal instincts going off. I want her to be happy, but I think it's best for her to be alone for a while. She seems to dependant. I'd say a part of me hopes it's just a rebound fling, but, in reality, I think all of me hopes that.

But, like I said, I'm staying out of it. I'm not going to tell anyone how to live.

There's so much more work I have to do for Yoda Rennt. I'm almost done with filming. Then I have to do the animation, edit the footage into something comprehensible, give George a rough cut for the score, add sound effects (which I have yet to find). God, the sounds. I never fully appreciated the importance of sound in a movie. I thought I did, but no. You need a sound for literally everything. Cars driving by, footsteps, background chatter, doors opening and closing, cars stopping and going, trains passing by, different horn honks, breathing, the sound of a roulette wheel, phones ringing, and so on. Plus I need people for voice work. Am I forgetting anything?

I'll try to get as much as I can from videogame files and such, soundwise. I'll worry about it when animation's done. And this is a hobby. But, hey, I enjoy it, and it's nice to have a goal. Hopefully it won't suck the ass.

I'm hungry.

I wanna pick up the new Eels and Radiohead.

I need to get Dad a present or 3.

I want some grilled chicken.

Port-A-Pit! That sounds sooo good right now.

5-16-3

So, it's day one of summer classes. I'm taking Excursions in Mathematics or Math for People who Suck at Math.

It's warm in here. I'm working the library lab again. At least none of the new students know of this one.

The password generating process has become much more complicated. It used to be that a student would come in, show me a picture ID, and give me a student ID number. I'd punch it in, and presto! A new student account. Then everything went to hell. IT decided that it would be more efficient for everyone if you moved the entire system downstate, gradually. Now, everything's based in Bloomington, so we can't just create new accounts anymore. Instead, the students have to get on the computer and set up their Bloomington accounts first, then wait a few days and come back so we can set up their South Bend accounts so they can get on the computers here, and we have to give them temporary passwords until they get their South Bend accounts set up. In other words, a process that used to take a grueling 15 seconds can now be accomplished in a matter of mere days. I guess that's the cost of efficiency. So, now I get to explain all this to every student who needs an account. I typed up a handout, but I doubt it'll be useful. It does involve reading, after all.

I miss the rains down in Africaaaa....

5-8-3

I have an A permit. Actually, Tina has the A permit. What that means is I can park my car in stundent and faculty/staff parking, since Tina is faculty/staff. I guess some people have a problem with that. No one who matters, though. So, since I have an A permit (since we're paying extra money each month to park in faculty/staff spots), I take advantage of it, and not just because I'm lazy. I prefer taking an A spot to a student spot, even if the student spot is closer. Here's my line of thinking on it. Since the new chancellor came along, student parking has decreased dramatically. On student lot became a visitors pay-lot, another became a faculty/staff only lot, and a good-sized chunk of the garage became faculty/staff only. I come in at 7:45 am. I generally see a few cars in the A lot and a few cars in the students' area. Almost all these cars have A permits. Now, if you ask me, I think it's a pretty asshole-ish think to take up valuable student parking spaces when you don't have to, especially when there's plenty of room for you to park in a specially designated area where students can't. Student parking is a bitch and continues to exacerbate. The way I see it, when I park in an A lot or area, I'm keeping one student spot open for someone who needs it. Why take up valuable space if you don't have to? It's just stupid and mean. Sometimes, I'll get out of my car, and a professor will tell me I'm not allowed to park there. I just shrug it off. I'm paying for the priveledge, and I'm not about to shell out a bunch more money each semester for a second permit that will lessen my parking options. The last thing I need is someone impeding on my full parking actualization.

I'm done for the semester. I took my final yesterday. I have a meeting with Bob today. After that, I'm free!!

I'm also almost done with Trent's ninja figure. I'm gonna try to get it scanned before I get it to him. I'm pretty proud of myself. I was having a hard time with finding a way to attach the sword to the figure, since I had a kickass katana, but not scabbard, and I wanted the figure to be able to wield her knife as well (and she only has one hand that can actually hold anything). I embedded a knife sheath into her thigh and gave it a strap, and for the katana, I put a giant hole in her back, and glued one of my supermagnets into it. Then I took a tiny piece of metal (really thin and magnetic-like) and affixed it to the blade, so now it stays in place on her back without any help. Right now, she's all black (except the tiny part of her face), and I'm thinking of giving her dark green trim. I also want to find a neat Japanese character to paint on her somewhere. Preferably one that doesn't say cup.

I'm gonna see the Chili Peppers on Saturday. Can't say I'm terribly psyched about it, but I'm rarely psyched before a concert.

Maybe it's karma.

Or not. I dunno.

At any rate....

I need to work on Yoda Rennt some more. I started working on the green screen, and it looks pretty good. It's nong and tedious work, though, and it only looks good in black and white, but it gets the job done. I'd prefer blue screen, though. That would be a lot easier, since Yoda's green which complicates things. Oh well.

My ear hurts.

Oh well.

5-5-3

So, yeah.

I've decided not to get any more involved in the Dave/Emily drama. I'm done with it.

The Ring is a good movie.

We caught Gladiator on TV the other night. It, too, was pretty good.

Uhhhh....

so, yeah.

--EDIT--

I just typed this up in GBS, and I thought I'd share.

Several years ago, a boy and a girl were at their high school prom. It was a magical night, and everything was perfect. As they slow danced to their song, Cutting Crew's "(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight", they felt closer to each other than ever before, and they never wanted to spend another moment apart. They made love that night, with their song playing in the background. It was the first time for both of them. After summer vacation, they went their separate ways, met new people, and started new lives.

The girl is a grown woman now. She met her husband in college, and they lead a happy life together.

But sometimes, she'll catch her husband playing Vice City, mowing down pedestrians while Cutting Crew plays on the radio, and, for a moment, she's back at that prom on that special night, all those years ago.

kthxbye.

Classes are over. Next week, I have one final, and then I'm done!

Until the first summer session, of course.

So, Emily's mom (the vindictive, slightly insane, IRA-supporting friend of Gerry Adams or whatever his name is) is making life very difficult for Dave and Emily. It was an amicable breakup before she got involved, and now it looks like she's just trying to set off Dave so she can sue him. Dave is overreacting to the whole thing, and it's all petty childishness. Meanwhile, Emily just can't say no to her mother. I'm curious as to how much of what's going on she's aware of. That statement was horribly phrased. In any event, I think it would be best for both of them to get her mother out of the situation, probably with the help of an objective 3rd party (which will probably end up being me) and sort it all out between just the two of them with said objective third party as a mediator.

They're both very good friends, and I want what's best for both of them. Dave needs to realize that not everything fits into a tight logical well-reasoned box. This is the first real breakup Dave's been through. While he's playing stoic, he still has a bunch of frustrating emotions churning within him, and he needs to get them out. Emily's mom is exacerbating the whole situation by pressing all his buttons.

Emily needs to realize that Dave doesn't hate her, nor does he wish bad things upon her. He wants her to have a good life. The relationship had a good run, better than anyone anticipated, but now it's over. What he wrote was just venting. He was emotional, and he needed to get hurtful things out of his system. Of course he's going to go off a bit. Emily's done the same thing. She just had the sense to not save it on the desktop in a text file called To Emily. Poor judgment on Dave's part? Absolutely. But, like I said, it's emotional venting. Don't take it to heart. Emily's mother has taken over the whole thing, made Dave out to be a bad guy, and is doing everything possible to destroy him. That's not right.

Looking over this, it seems I'm being entirely pro-Dave. That's not true. Dave's just the person I spoke to most recently, so that's what's freshest in my memory.

Goddamn Emily's mom. She's underhandedly accusing Dave of assaulting her and cheating on her. Emily, you really need to grow some balls and call your mother off. It's making everything more unpleasant than it should be. Despite what you may have read, Dave did love you (and probably still does, but that's my conjecture), and he does want you to be happy. He wishes you no ill will. He's just done with the relationship. He's not trying to hurt you.

Dave, what can I say. You're acting immature, and, while I can understand your motives, some of your actions are harsh and uncalled for. I understand your desire to move on, and I'm all for that. But, like you, Emily is also going to act irrational and childish about all this. It's the end of a three-year relationship. You were engaged, for God's sake. Of course it's going to be painful and frustrating for the both of you. I think both of you were takign the whole thing well until Emily Sr. got involved. She's causing all the unnecessary problems. She needs to not be involved. Yes, I realize that I just split my second infinitive in this ramble. I also realize, however, that no good can possibly come from her involvement. She needs to stop. Emily, do yourself a favor and tell her to back off. Dave, cut off all communication to her, since this is not her problem. It's between you and Emily, and only you and Emily can sort the whole thing out.

How did I get sucked into this mess?

I'm supposed to be the asshole, the joker character in Dave's life.

I need to blow my nose.

I am pretty tired. I like sleep.

Everyone in German class loved the video. I'm so proud. I need to work on Yoda Rennt some more.

Turns out my German professor is moving to Texas to teach German and film studies. She was pretty cool. Well, she still is, but never mind.

I hate Mr. Whoopee.

I need to look up how to finish that godforsaken mission in GTA3. So far, I've been able to escape the house in Cedar Grove (or wherever) and find the helicoptor, but after that, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

Time to visit GameFAQs.

Turns out that's the final mission. I'm supposed to blow up the helicopter. I'll get right on that.

4-18-3

So, Dave and Emily are broken up/might get back together/I don't really know. I'm torn on the whole issue, but I'm being decidedly objective. I just want Emily to stay in town cuz she's my friend.

Jenny's coming home today. We're probably gonna hang out later.

Dave spent about two hours trying to convince me that it was wrong for the Peace and Justice Coalition to bring in a woman whose son is fighting in Iraq to talk about why the war is bad. Two hours setting up an overly-complicated argument that I absolutely had to agree with, and, in the end I did. Of course, in the end, the argument had changed from It is morally wrong and socially irresponsible for the Peace and Justice Coalition to bring in a woman to convince us to oppose the war based on an emotionally-driven speech to A mother of a soldier is not an expert on what justifies a war. Big difference, there. I maintain that no matter what she says, she's not gonna change anyone's mind about anything, and that she is, in effect, preaching to the choir. I get the distinct feeling that Dave is going to try to go out of the way to prove me wrong on this, but I don't really care. It's like Schindler's List. Good movie, designed to tug at the heartstrings of people who already know that Hitler and the Holocaust were bad. It wasn't trying to convince anyone of anything, and Spielberg, Thomas Keneally, and Steven Zaillian (director, novelist, screenplay writer, respectively) aren't world-renowned historians, nor are they really qualified to illustrate the wrongness of the Nazi regime. They put together a beautiful heart-wrenching movie that was informative but not argumentative.

Not everything is an argument. People aren't always trying to convince you of things. Some people just want to be heard. Hell, watch The Ring, it says the same thing. Watch Vulgar. Watch any number of movies. The woman has strong feelings she needs to get out, and IUSB is giving her a forum to do so. Don't immediately jump on the defensive. It makes you look like an asshole.

And not everything in the world is rational and logically sound. Humans are emotional, instinctive, and fickle. There's no accounting for it, and there's no rational explanation. Too many philosphers focus too much on the rational, and not enough on the animal. To deny our instincts and emotions is to deny ourselves. I'm not trying to say abandon all reason. That's dumb. What I'm saying is that abandoning emotion is equally stupid.

Jetzt bin ich verärgert.

Every year at around this time, Dave gets sand in his vagina about something. Right now, I think he's mostly just lashing out and trying to be heard.

Oh well. It's teh weekend. I wonder what's going on tonight.

Tina ordered Chemicrazy off Ebay. Or is it E-Bay, or e-Bay, or eBay, or EBay? I'm never certain.

Hey, I found Mr. Whoopee, and I started working on the other garage. I'm still nowhere near as familiar with Shoreside Vale as I should be, which makes it hard to find the garage there.. I also have access to the Borgnine taxis. Hooray!

I'm talking about Grand Theft Auto 3, BTW. Y'all don't care, Iknow. Shut up.

I worry about Amy. I don't want her doing something she'll regret. I also have a lucrative business proposition for her. Hmmm.

So, yeah.

4-11-3

Here's the thing. I have that godforsaken Jenny from the Block song going through my head, and it's really pissing me off. Lately I've been having music from GTA3 annoying me. Grr. Anywho...

I have a weakness for Grandma's Homestyle peanut butter cookies.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got...

GODDAMNIT!

chew chew chew chew chew chew swallow.

Ah...

So my parents are coming over on Sunday for dinner, and we need to clean a little, and I have to work on my German video project, and it's the end of the semester (hooray!), and things are getting a little hectic, although, I guess it could be worse.

Burp.

I had a peanut butter sandwich the other night, and I can still taste it when I burp. Wait. Cookies. Never mind.

I could go for a good neck-crack.

And some weeeed.

Y'ever look at a $20 bill... ON WEEEEED?

Jon Stewart kills me.

I could really take a nap....

Someone need to commision a figure from me, damn it. I'm so uninspired.

I filmed a bit of Yoda yesterday, the car accident part. Next I need a bit more Yoda running, the casino scene, and the happy ending.

I just realized something. Manni kisses Lola at the end. I need to recreate that scene. With Yoda. And Chewbacca. Yes, the shortest and tallest figures I have (on that scale, anyway). Let me think about this rationally. I... Hold on. Let me just break this paragraph...

There. Ok. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Let me think about this rationally. I like to make figures from movies I really like. What movies do I really like that I don't have figures from? Million Dollar Hotel, okay, but they never released Resident Evil: The Movie figures. (For Milla Jovovich) They also never had Saving Private Ryan figures (Jeremy Davies). What else... Signs was good, but doing a Signs alien is too simple to construct and too hard to paint (what with their chameleon-like skin). I have X-Men, LOTR, Trainspotting, Star Wars (durrr), Transformers, Hell, I even have a Rattle and Hum figure (kinda). I could do a Resident Evil figure, but I don't know who. Possibly Rain. I dunno. Let me think... I have Good and Bad Ash, Shaft, 3 people from Final Fantasy, hmmm... There's always Jules from Pulp Fiction, but that seems too cliche, like making a custom Captain Antilles or Cantina Dude.

I've never actually made Cantina Dude, but I know how. You need a Bossk body, black gloves, black boots, and a Johnny Quest space helmet (or something similar). Yes, it's scary that I know that.

What about GIR?

Maybe. I already have a stuffed GIR, though.

I'm kinda tempted to through my unnamed fighter pilots back into the parts bin and use the vehicles for scrap.

They're sort of in a universe of their own. They have nothing to do with, well, anything. They're just kinda there. I dunno.

GTA3 guy?

Nah.

My boss?

No, that's ok. I don't think anyone would really appreciate that.

Hmmm...

Ok, I finished reading American Psycho, and I thought it was really really good. Much better than the movie. There's just one problem I had with it. I didn't see why he had to kill all those people. Why couldn't he just be a regular Wall Street Executive going about his business? Ok, I kid. I thought it was unnecessarily brutal, and that was good. My problem is this: There's a part in it where he goes to a U2 concert, and he mentions that he didn't really pay much attention, but he did catch one line from a song, and it sounded like Bono was saying, "A hero is an insect in this world". He described the song as a dirge. The book was written in 1991, well, it was published then. It was probably written in 89/90. That part of the book takes place in 1987 or 88. I have been wracking my brain (is that right?) trying to figure out what song has a line that sounds like it could be mistaken for "A hero is an insect in this world"? So far, I've come up with nothing. I've taken into consideration songs that were routinely played on their Joshua Tree tour, as well as songs on all their albums up through Rattle and Hum, since that was recorded on that same tour. After eliminating any song that could not realistically considered a dirge, here's what I have:

I still got nothing.

BRB

4-7-3

I never gave it permission to snow. Hell, it was in the 70's last week. Jeepers creepers. I hate the weather here.

I have figures I need to scan. I don't like shooting them with my vidcam. They never turn our clear enough. I need a scanner.

Speaking of figures, I really want someone to commission one from me. I really want to make something, but I have no idea what.

I haven't worked on Yoda lately. That's just like me, isn't it? Maybe I'll do that this week. I doubt it, though.

We got a new couch. It's big and green. It's very comfortable.

4-3-3

A recent cover story in Newsweek was about why other nations are afraid of the United States. A lot of it was the Bush administration, and the position of being the world's only military superpower. It frightens me how much people cling to ignorance. So many Americans truly believe that the United States is a beacon of freedom, prosperity, democracy, and hope to the rest of the world. They think that every other country wants to be just like the US. They think that the US is the model for the world. They are dreadfully wrong. The United States of America is the most ignorant and arrogant nation I've ever encountered. That arrogance has cost lives.

Before going into Gulf War II: Impose Democracy, I read and heard about how the first Gulf War was the end of an era in military combat. Technology has advanced so much that the military can strike enemy targets swiftly, precisely, and safely. There was no more need for carpet-bombing. Innocent lives would no longer be lost. American troops would be pretty much invincible. I naively believed them. It all seemed so compelling. Weapons that would disable instead of kill. That's pretty cool.

America was expecting the war to end quickly under the Shock and Awe campaign. The idea was that the US would send a constant barrage of airstrikes over Baghdad, and all the Iraqis would watch in total amazement of how awesome the US military really was. Then they would throw down their arms and surrender, because everyone in their right mind wants democracy, since that would make them more American. High ranking army officials have gone on record saying how surprised they were at the resistance to the US-led invasion.

Shock and Awe, indeed.

Many many moons ago (i.e. last year), I wrote something on an Internet bulletin board, saying that the president has ignored his predecessors in terms of international diplomacy and action. I mentioned that it is quite possible that an attack on Iraq would turn out much like the Bay of Pigs, in which Kennedy took advice from dozens of like-minded people, did not consider other options, and sent people to Cuba to be massacred. The problems with the Bay of Pigs are creeping up again. Military strategies are being publiched in newspapers and magazines. The president never considered restraint on Iraq, especially considering the fact that none of Iraq's neighbors felt any kind of threat. The Joint Chiefs of Staff all thought their invasion plans were so ingenious, that there would be no resistance. They believed that the enemy would be so impressed at the size of our cannons that they would all bow before us.

I'm Afraid of Americans. GReat song.

That's all I have to say about that.

3-25-3

Stay away. Stay awake. Stay Awake....

So, I was playing Scrabble with Tina the other day, and Souljacker was on the stereo. Friendly Ghost came on, and after listeing to it again, I finally realized what the song was about. Singer/songwriter E (I forget his full name, but he just goes by the letter. It's a longish story), in 1996, discovered his sister's lifeless body on the bathroom floor. She had taken her own life. The song is about his pent up anger toward her and his desire to put that behind him, because he really just wants her back. Upon my realization, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and fear. I related to the situation, as I haven't seen my own sister for quite some time, and I really miss her. I want her to come home. Since hearing the song and realizing its meaning, the feelings I had haven't left, and I'm left to suffer.

Where am I going with all this? I have no idea. I don't really care, either.

So, Mom forgot our anniversary, but it's no biggie. It's just the Catholic anniversary that only my parents care about. Tina and I recognize out real anniversary of our first wedding (Oct. 19). I hardly ever remember the other one.

I wahnt lunch.

I can't spell, evidently.

I've spent so many days
Just staring at the haze
And I think that that's a book
That I don't have to write again.
Now when I rise, I shine.
I've got you on my mind.
And the question isn't if.
The question is merely when.

So, I finished correcting the Scarlett figure. According to her file card, her last name is O'Hara. That's pretty special, huh? Anyway, I sanded her down quite a bit, so she's not built like a Super Battle Droid anymore, and I have her a repaint. Now she looks more like she's supposed to. I also started working on Zartan.

It's sad that I still miss Frank.

I'm such a loser, carrying a torch for a pet that died years ago.

I make a mean pasghetti sauce, though!

I should stop now, get some wake-up drink, and review a movie or something.

3-19-3

I suppose I should ramble, eh?

Saddam's evil; country's at war; blah blah blah.

I worked on Yoda Rennt a bit last night. I replaced the battery for my camera, and it works beautifully again. Hooray for earth! Fuffy has an uncanny ability to ruin any shot he wants. He picked the fraction of a second the camera was on to try to walk under the tripod. I got a nice shot of something blurry. Thanks Fuf.

I really love Spring. It's my favorite season. Everything is all fresh and new, and the smell is so, I don't know, refreshing.

I really need to get this movie finished.

I bought Grand Theft Auto III, and it really messes with my head. Now, when I drive, I watch out for cars I'd steal. It's nice to act out ones violent fantasies in a harmless environment. It's also fun to beat whores with a bat and take their money after they "restore your health".

Chancellor.

I'm kinda hungry. I could go for a nap, too. Mmmm... sleep....

What ever happened to Boyz II Men?

I should compile my own list of impossible to answer questions, like why men like boobs, or why cannibalism is wrong. (Yes, I can see why murder is wrong, but once they're dead, why not go all out? It's better than wasting it. The way I see it, if you're gonna kill someone, go the extra mile, and maybe you'll get off on an insanity plea.)

We've been stufying Marx in philosophy class, and he has a lot of really good ideas, but his biggest flaw, I believe, is that he eliminated the human factor of unpredictability from his theories, and his idea for communism ultimately degenerated into a utopian fantasy.

Yesterday's South Park was pretty funny.

3-10-3

I could really do without the computer illiterate. At least some of them know they suck at the computars.

Spring break was good. I accomplished everything I'd set out to do (relaxing and not doing shit). It was nice. I'm glad.

I ran into Chad on ummm... well, recently. About a week ago. We've been catching up. It's been forever since we hung out and stuff. He lives out in BFE and has no car, which makes things difficult, but that's ok.

I'm tired.

Larry's playing crappy music.

I really need to crack my neck.

I left my German assignment at home. I should go get it after class.

Did you know you can access any computar machine anywhere, even if it's offline and shut down? It's true. And the X-Box plays DVDs.

LOL X-Box is huge. ^_^

I'm such a loser. I'm 25, and I still buy action figures. I'm obsessed with a 25 year old movie series. I spend my time trying to avoid, well, everything. I eat very unhealthy food. I'm fat, hairy, and balding. I'm a real catch, ladies.

And I have no religion.
And I don't know what's what.

I guess I'm concerned with my own authenticity and my personal physical and spiritual well-being.

I think I've reached a point in my life where I need to grow.

It's funny. If you take a primitive society, add structure and the understanding and means of technology, it's called advanced. I don't think our society is all that advanced. We haven't grown much at all. We've generated structure to keep us alive and technology to make life easier, but we have failed to grow.

We're rational animals. We're thinking things. We think we can transcend above our animal nature to become purely rational, but I think that reason needs to be balanced with our physical mammalian aspects.

Then there's the Jesus freaks. Now, I have no problem with religious people. I think it's just fine that people look to the past for guidance. I think it takes a lot of strength and courage to live ones life by a set of rules and morality tales from old books. I respect that. It's when people get into discussions about how long a woman's hair is allowed to be or whether dating or listening to secular music is moral that things go awry. I can understand how you can love your children and want the besst for them, but jeepers creepers, there's such a thing as going too far. You can build up a world of denial and good feelings, but your kids will inevitably leave home and learn about the real world. It is the responsibility of parents to prepare their children for that, not to shelter them infinitely and surprise them when they leave home. It's like that one stand-up comedian. I forgot her name. Her parents were Hungarian immigrants, and they only spoke Hungarian at home. On her first day of school, she doesn't understand a word anyone says. How pissed off would you be to be totally unprepared for life, and not just not having normal life skills or experiences, but not knowing the fucking language? It's the same thing. You can't shelter them forever.

She won't let you fly,
But she might let you sing.

Anywho....

2-25-3

I've been homesick lately. I guess I can't really call it homesick, since I haven't lived there since 1989, but I've been missing Austria, specifically, the little town of Gisingen. I've been trying to compensate by searching for information on the web of people I knew, or places I've been, or what have you. I haven't come up with much. It's disappointing. It's disappointing to want to revive memories and not be able to. It's disappointing wanting to go back, but not having the time or money to do so. One of my biggest dreams is to go back and visit for, like, a week, and share a good portion of my childhood with Tina. I want to go over the old bike routes I took. I want to visit the small apartment we lived in. I want to see my old school. I want to shop at the old local stores. I want to go where everybody knows your name, where the air smells like cow manure and stray cats are abundant, where children play on splintered wooden playground equipment, and the best way to get anywhere not in walking distance is by train or bicycle. I want a free train ride to Liechtenstein because the conductor never got to me before my stop. I want to visit the old toy shop where I bought my first Lego kit. I want to visit the church and see 15 altar boys punching and giggling at each other while the priest isn't looking. I want to go to a magical faraway place where the sun is always shining, and the air smells like warm root beer, and shriners and the lepers play their ukeleles all night long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. Wacka wacka doo doo yeah.

I just want something I can never have.

2-20-3

So, I've been meaning to ramble, but I forgot about what. Oh teh well.

Blop blop blop.

I'm kinda tired.

I hope the UPS guy doesn't come too early today. Goddamn Mongorians.

People to count.

More people got to 1205 than to 1225. I wonder why.

So, I've been listening to U2 and Eels a lot lately. I bought the Eels' CD Souljacker recently. It came with a bonus Rotton World Blues EP. I bought it on a whim. The bookstore is selling off all their CDs and movies at half price, and I figured what the hell. If I don't like it, I'm out a few bucks. If I do, then hooray for me. The only Eels I'd been familiar with was Novacaine for the Soul, which got a bit of radio play a few years back. I dug it then, and I'd burned it on a CD and fell in love with it. So, I saw this CD at the bookstore, and I grabbed it, even though I didn't know anything about it, nor had I heard of any of the songs. I've made it a bit of a policy in the past never to buy a CD unless I like at least 3 of the songs on it, or unless it was from a favorite band (e.g. U2, Garbage, NIN, Radiohead, etc.). I don't know what it was that compelled me to get this. Usually, I'm woefully disappointed when I buy a CD I know nothing about. Anyway, I listened to it, listened to it again, and it's a tremendous album. It's like, have you ever heard an album that, once you listened to it, you just wanted to share it with everyone? That's what Souljacker is to me. It's incredible. I love it. The bonus EP that came with it is really good too. I highly recommend this CD to everyone. I can't really find a good way to describe it. It's diverse, but consistant. It has a little bit of a Beck flavor, which really isn't saying much, considering how diverse Beck is. At any rate, do yourself a favor and get a copy of this album, and listen to it a few times.

I'm probably going to use some parts of it to make a Dampened Soul 2.

I really want a copy of That Petrol Emotion's Chemicrazy on CD, too. I haven't listened to it in a very long time.

Fuffy needs to shut up. He's constantly meowing, and the best I can come up with (excuse-wise) is he wants lovin and Fuffynip.

I, too, am mildly disturbed by my habit of calling it Fuffynip.

If you're scared to die, you'd better not be scared to live.

I had an excellent T-bone steak at Logan's yesterday. We went there before we went shopping (which we needed to do, desperately). It was very yummy. Someone needs to invent a steak flavored incense. Or at least cinnamon roll flavored incense.

I like beer, but I haven't had any for a while.

Don't look at me. I'm the bus stop boxer.

I've always been the kind of person to take things apart to see how they work, or to rearrange the parts, or whatever. I routinely disassembly pens for no good reason. As a kid, I always took apart my GI Joes. THey had that convenient screw in the back. I've taken apart Star Wars ships, to fix them. I routinely take apart all kinds of things to improve them in some way or another. Sometimes, I just like to figure out how things work.

Joe Millionaire is an interesting show, but I called the surprise twist ending, like, a week beforehand.

My legs itch.

2-11-3

Evidently, God hates gays, but he likes abusive alcoholic hatemongers. I was reading up on Fred Phelps, the fellow behind GodHatesFags.com. I guess he's a heavy drinker who forced his 13 kids into selling candy around town for the family to live on (since getting a job would involve work, which leads to gayness). If they didn't sell their quota, he'd beat them. If they made noise, he'd beat them. If they gained weight, he'd beat them. Four of his kids left when they were 18. The rest work for his ministry, claiming he was strict, but not abusive. They also spank their own children and insist that any time you spank a kid, there will be bruises. Right. I hope he gets AIDS after being repeatedly gang-raped in the ass.

Oh well. I don't care too much. It has no effect on me.

So, I was on the news last night. I'm not sure I mentioned this, but Fox 28 interviewed me last month about RateMyProfessor.Com. They had a few shots of me looking at Fuffy's Noos W3rd.

I screencapped it and saved some of it on my computar.

So, I'm getting my car fixed today, since they broke it last time they "fixed" it. If it's still not working after they "fix" it this time, I don't know what I'll do. It's not like I can just take the other car. Midas broke my car.

I'd like some lunch....

I need a new color ink cartridge.

It took you to make me realize.

I write the B-Sides that make a small portion of the world cry.

1-23-3

So, yeah.

Angelfire's new layout is throwing me a little.

I've been meaning to ramble.

Sometimes, I wish my life was more like a romantic comedy. A cheesy romantic comedy. I want to be happy and in love, and have my heart torn in two because I was an idiot. I wanna take The Walk. You know The Walk. The long walk the guy takes at night in the rain, feeling miserable, loathing himself for being such a fucking idiot for whatever reason, and suddenly, out of the blue, the woman he loves comes up from behind, and they kiss, and it's the greatest, most passionate, most romantic kiss they've ever shared, and they make up because the thing that drove them apart was so stupid and trivial, and if they'd acted a little more mature about it, they would have realized that, but they didn't, so they had to split up, have a montage, and take The Walk, so they can live happily ever after(except in Chasing Amy). I want someone to love me like that sometimes.

I live my life and express myself through film and music. Both play a large role in my life, and I suck at making both of them, but that's not the point. It's like those awful Mary Katherine Gallagher sketches on SNL, where she finds her feelings could best be expressed in a monologue from the 1987 made-for-TV movie Artie and that Wonderball or something. I guess that's why I get bent out of shape when people disrespect the music and films I love. I feel like it's a part of me, and, in some respects, that's true.

I had a dream the other night that my sister was going to get married, and I was not at all pleased with it. Ok, I was enraged about it. I don't know why, other than the fact that I hate weddings, and I know that wouldn't spark that strong n emotion in me. I mean, I was fucking pissed off, and it affected me somehow. I still feel it when I think about it. It's great anger and possibly greater sadness. Maybe I'm just a selfish prick who doesn't want anything to come between me and my sister. Maybe I'm overprotective. Maybe I'm just dumb. I don't know, and talking about it hasn't made any difference. There is a very tight ball of anger and sadness within my soul, and Idon't know how to expel it. It's like a tumor. I just want to cut it out.

1-21-3

I haven't rambled in forever.

It's week 2 of classes, and students are gradually settling in, thank God.

I can't wait for it to be over.

I'm tired. So very tired.

Yoda is coming along slowly bet smoothly. I've been working on the bank set. I'm almost done with it, and I'll be ready to start shooting soon.

So, last night, we were at Meijer, and I wanted to get some more parts figures (i.e. figures for parts), and they had a bunch (4) of figs from the ReBoot show on clearance for 75 cents each. I grabbed all of them. 4 for $3. Can't beat that, buddyboy.

We're getting a new water heater today, and we rearranged the entire living room. I forgot how big it really is. We also hung up the fabric from the Philipines that Teresa brought home. It's really pretty. It's a shame we didn't do it earlier.

I've been thinking about my faith, recently, and it looks like there's a peanut in the keyboard. It won't come out. Where'd it go? Anyway, I've been thinking about my faith recently, and I think it's safe to say I'm not really into Jesus. This probably comes as no surprise to a lot of you. Now, I have nothing against Christians. I wasn't molested by any priests. I don't blame God for all the bad things that happen. I just don't see any need for it outside of its role as a tool to keep our lives in order. The way I've come to see it is that Christianity is something we cling to for the sake of having something to cling to. It provides order, answers, and a ready-made moral guideline. How did I get to this point? It's really a number of things: