6-14-1
Teresa's going home today. we're all gonna have lunch at Sorin's. Yep, nothing like celebrating
at work!
I had to work last night. It was hot. Damn hot. I was sweating like a fat man at an outdoor
banquet. Course, I am a fat man, and it was an outdoor banquet. Shut up. I didn't ask you.
Anyhoo, I'm sore, and tired. After work, Tina and I went to visit Teresa at my parents' house.
We were there until 1:00, so we were pretty tired when we got home.
Fuffy T updated, finally.
He's all fuzzy.
Hey, if anyone wants a kitten, let me know. I can arrange that for you. I guess what I'm trying
to say is:
Free Kittens!
I had a great idea for getting rid of them, but I'd be killed by irate parents. What I suggested was
to set up a card table with a big box holding the kittens right outside the Chuck E Cheez.
They'd be gone instantly. But, unfortunately, like I said, I'd be killed by irate parents.
On a completely unrelated note, I hunger.
I started reading the Doctrine of the Mean. It's really interesting, but the more I think of it, the
more I realize that I'm more of a Taoist. Funny how it works. I used to be all over Confucius.
Ah well.
I kinda wanna see Tomb Raider. And not because of Angelina Jolie. To be honest, I think she's
pretty ugly.
I wonder when Monkey Bone comes out on video. Remember Monkey Bone?
We went to Morris Video the other day, and some of the titles on the new release shelf came
out in 1999.
I finally say the other tape of Closure (by NIN). It has the video to Happiness in Slavery, which
everyone says is disturbing. I didn't think it was disturbing. I just thought it was mildly
disgusting. Then again, with the kind of shit I see on the Internet, it should come as a surprise.
To put things into perspective, the most disturbing thing I've ever seen was a movie file on Stile
Project. Basically, what it was was a woman expelling an aborted fetus from her body and the
doctor (or someone) piecing it together. I stopped watching it about halfway through, but, to be
honest, I think it's a good thing that it's out there. Yes, it's disturbing and disgusting, but it's
also reality. Too often people think of abortion as just another medical procedure. Like it's
nothing. I think it's important that people who think of it like that should see it. I think abortion
activists need to look at the ugly truth. Becase of them, I have the image of a tiny severed arm
in the palm of a doctor's hand burned into my mind forever. What bothers me the most is not
my suffering, though. It is the fact that an innocent life was brutally destroyed at the hands of its
own mother who just didn't give a shit. I think women who have abortions should be forced to
see their children after the "procedure".
I guess I'd better mention that I am not responsible for the above video clip. If it was up to me, it
wouldn't exist. Furthermore, the content of the site is very adult-oriented and is guaranteed to
offend pretty much everyone.
Why did I link to it? Well, frankly, I think it's something some people need to see.Too often, we
blind ourselves to reality in favor of a sugar-coated fantasy. This is real, folks. There is nothing
you can do to change that fact. If you don't want to see it, don't click on it! It's your choice. It's
entirely up to you.
Now that that's out of the way, I guess I'm done.
6-12-1
It's my dad's birthday. Happy birthday dad.
How did I get to be so cynical?
Oh yeah. I hate people.
So Tim McVeigh's dead. Y'know, for someone who hates people so much, I sure am concerned
for their well-being. I'm not to sure about that. Especially since I spend my time ridiculing
them. You'd think I'd have self-esteem issues (which I do) and that I'm projecting my own flaws
onto others (which I'm not).
I'm sick of all this human bullshit, though. It's really out of hand. What am I talking about this
time? I'll tell you. Humans, as a whole, are a herd of sheep in search of a giant teat. We're all
looking for something. We're all dying for our spiritual enlightenment or the happiness we feel
entitled to. We've got group therpy, family therapy and individual therapy. We have self-help
books written by anyone from so-called experts to comedians. We've got more steps than I can
count. We're always searching for more. Better. Better jobs. Better investments. Better
friends. Better lovers. Better spouses. Better orgasms. We think this will all fulfill us. We all
like to think we're victims. We all have the neglectful mother, the abusive father, and the
molesting uncle. We bitch and moan about how life has dealt us a crummy hand. We worship
rock gods and movie stars. Why? What's the point?
Self improvement is masturbation.
We're always looking for answers. Who am I ? Why am I here? What's the meaning of life?
Am I truly free? We look to people we don't know or even care about for answers. We have the
Tao of Pooh, the Te of Piglet, the Tao of Zen, and Buddha in a Box. We have Islam, Hindu, and
Judaism. We have more Christian denominations than we have 12 step programs. We have
people worshipping Elvis, Sammy Davis Junior, and Kurt Cobain. We have the Wiccans, the
Pagans, and the Church of Satan (which doesn't actually believe in Satan). We have Highway to
Heavan and Touched by an Angel. We have people who identify themselves by what they don't
believe in. Have you ever visited the spiritualiy section of a bookstore? It's ridiculous. Now, I'm
not here to tell you which one is right. Chances are none of them. It's probably something else
entirely. I honestly don't know. Here's what I think:
Fuck it. Fuck Wicca and Paganism and Satanism. Fuck Tao, Zen, Buddha, and Confucius.
We don't need them. Fuck Judeo-Christian mythology and fundamentalism. Fuck Allah and
Lord Genesha. Fuck Elvis, Sammy, and Kurt. Let it go. Just be. I'm sick to death of people
telling me my beliefs and philosophies and views of the world are wrong. I swear, if I hear
another Nietzsche fan tell me to just accept that there is no God or that faith s for the weak, I'll
scream. I hate the mentality that anything that hasn't been proven must be false. I hate the
idea that absence of evidence is evidence of absence. I hate the people who base their entire
views of the universe on that principal.
I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. I'm just trying to figure out how to live mine. Please don't give me any pointers. I hate all that too. Every religion, philosophy, world view, and school of thought has its own idea of how a person should live. They think they're doing me a favor by letting me in on it. You know what, though? They all claim to be right, but none of them make a very strong argument. Just be.
We try to make things more complicated than they really are. Every day, I'm bombarded by
conflicting messages. In the eyes of most Americans, I'm probably going to Hell. You know, I
gave up worrying about eternal damnation a long time ago. I honestly don't care anymore. I tell
you, it's really a relief. Idecided that there's really not much I can do. If God has it in for me,
what can I do? The way I see it, if I play nice, and do my best not to fuck things up, I have
nothing to worry about. I'm not trying to get into heaven. I'm not trying to get into hell either. I
really don't care. Honestly. Hell, I don't know if either exists, and if they do, fine. If not, ok.
I try to be a good person. I really do, and I think it helps when I look at goodness (for lack of a
better word) as an end rather than a means. All my life, I was taught that if I'm good, I'll go to
heaven. But if I try to be good just so I can go to heaven, it's not going to work. Here's what got
me. I'm being offered this incentive for good behavior, however, if my good behavior is based on this incentive, it doesn't count. What's the point? It's a bit of a catch-22, isn't it? I say, fuck the incentive. I'm not trying to get to heaven. I'm just trying to live a decent life.
But it's a bitch. I can tell you that from experience. It really really sucks. Like I said, for
someone who hates humans, I sure am concerned for their well-being. Or am I? I'm not sure.
I'm very pro-life, and I don't just mean that from a reproductive standpoint. I mean that I avoid
killing anything, and I don't like it when others do so without just cause. (Eating is just cause.
Fear of spiders is not.) I think it's just stupid that we kill a man and call it justice. Do I think the
death penalty is bad? I really don't know. I think it's terribly uncivilized. It's barbaric. We're
supposed to be this great nation, right? Why is it, then, that we resort to punishment instead of
correction? We don't want to fix our prisoners. We want revenge.
I also think it's really stupid that women will conceive a child and kill it before it's born.
Somehow this is a basic human right. It's not called abortion anymore. That sounds too harsh.
It's called reproductive freedom. It's not like it's a human anyway. It's just a parasitic lump of
cells.
I hate people.
Someone's listening to really loud R&B, and it's getting annoying. I don't know who, though.
6-5-1
I hunger.
So, I'm sitting at home, watching The Weakest Link, and eating Aldi's potato chips, and I get a call from George. He asks me to refrain from posting his opinions of other people online. "Sure," I say. I never post anyone's opinions but my own. What's he on about?
Evidently, it's regarding my earlier comment that he and Emily are at odds, a fact that is incredibly obvious. But what does it have to do with me? How does it affect my life? Quite simply, it causes tension. Very uncomfortable tension.
I post nobody's opinions but my own. I post facts as I see them. I refrain from judging others based on their actions. In fact, I'm sure even Timothy McVeigh can be a delightful person to be around. I just don't see how anyone can be so, I dunno, uptight about such petty shit. What's next? Is Dave gonna complain about the fact that I mentioned his long hair? Is Trent gonna bitch about my post saying we got hurt in a car accident? Fuffy's grey. Is that a lawsuit brewing? No. Why? Because these are all very obvious
facts.
Once I start editing my ramblings, they cease to be. It's that simple. It seems that everyone likes to read them as long as they don't pertain to them.
Human nature? Bah!
Guess what. The only people who give a damn are people who already know. I doubt someone in Wahoo, Nebraska is reading this page and thinking So, this George guy and this Emily girl are at odds. What an asshole. Chances are, anyonwho is reading this and doesn't know any of us is probably bored to tears.
So, get over it. Most people don't care. The only people who do have been aware of the situation for months, and, frankly, I'm sick of it.
I was working on the Larry figure last night, and I made some progress. I also ruined his pants, so I need to go over them again with Sculpey. Something tells me I'm going to have to sacrifice articulation on this one.
I think I'm gonna go touch the veding machines. (I know all the right buttons to push.)
6-4-1
Sitting in a lab. Trying to think of a winning poem. Poetry.com has a monthly contest, and I can write shitty poetry.
I worked at Morris Inn again on Saturday. I like that job. Easy work, free food. Can't say
my feet like it, though. Ever since the accident, my left foot's been really bad. I need to
call the doctor. Saying which...
Trent got his staples out.
So, the receptionist at the doctor's office is telling me I need to go to the ER. Now I'm on
hold, and I get to hear 'N Suck or some other clone band.
I saw Million Dollar Hotel again. Damn, that's a good movie.
I'm working on my Larry Mullen Jr. figure. So far, it looks nothing like him, but I hope I
can fix that.
I hate motivational speakers.
I also hate people who throw old ideas at me to prove how smart they are.
I got this email from some guy asking me a bunch of questions about Marilyn Manson
and Nietzschean philosophy. I think he was trying to establish that I know nothing.
Whatever. I don't really care. It's not like I even work on the page anymore. Hell, I
hardly ever work on this one anymore. I should, though.
So, it's almost 3:00.
Screw the poem. I'm going to X-E.
Ramble ramble ramble.
Ever notice how I generally have a few comments here and there and then a big long
rant? What's up with that? I guess it's called train of thought.
I wonder if anyone ever reads this shit.
Aside from friends and family, I mean.
It's all the same deal, though. I come into work, check my email, and surf around, going
to the same sites over and over. Usually, I get stupid Manson fan email. There's nothing
on the Internet anymore. I remember sitting at a computer for hours on end, surfing
around. Now, I get bored really quickly.
Maybe I should do something about that.
Saturday Night Live sucks. It's not as bad as Mad TV, but it still sucks.
I was looking at an interesting web site, and there was something interesting, and kind of
funny, on it. It said:
Theatre is life.
Film is art,
Television is furniture.
TV, as a whole, sucks. Ass. There's a few decent things on, but most of it is just stupid
rehashed mindless drivel.
So, I'm stuck here for the next 2 hours or so. Then I have a startup. How fun.
I could go for a soft pretzel.
I kinda wanna go to the mall. They have pretzels there.
5-31-1
So, I've been getting this email from some Manson fan, and I didn't feel like dealing with
him, so I told him he was stupid, and he must be American, etc. He, of course, felt the
need to respond, and this is a perfect example of the whole American attitude. First, he
assumes that I'm from another country, which, as you know, I'm not. I just tend to think
outside the box, so to speak. Then he goes on about how my culture may be different,
but, basically, his is right. (He didn't use those words, but it's what he was saying.) I
know I come off as an asshole a lot of the time, but when I call people stupid, I don't
mean it as an insult. When I say people are obviously American, I mean it as an insult.
When I call people stupid, it's to help them, not by making them feel bad, but by letting
them see the error of their ways. Of course, that may be right in my culture, but he's an
American, so it's an insult.
Guess where I live.
So, I have three songs going through my head. Two of them (I foundly found a reason...,
and There's a light over at the Frankenstein place...) tend to irritate me, and the third
(Where is my mind...), I don't know the words to. It's pretty annoying.
Dave's ice cream social is tonight. I never understood the concept of the ice cream
social. I've never even been to one. What's the difference between an ice cream social
and getting together to, say, watch some videos and, hey, we have ice cream? Oh well.
I guess this entails being social. Tina's not going, of course. George might, but he's still
at odds with Emily for some reason. They need to sort this shit out. It's pissing me off.
But, like I said, I'm staying out of it.
I could use some ice cream, though. I'm hungry.
Maybe I'll go touch the vending machines. That sounds like a plan.
5-30-1
Damn, this computer is fickle.... One week it only works with Netscape, the next,
Explorer. It's really annoying.
I recently come to the realization that I'm becoming socially conscious, for lack of a
better term. I hate Americans. In fact, I hate the vast majority of Western Culture
altogether. But mostly Americans. If the world were a high school, America would be
the obnoxious popular football jock who struggles to maintain a C- average. We just
don't realize it. Westerners believe that we are at the height of human evolution. We're
the greatest. Ask any American to name three great painters, and chances are you'll
hear them mention Michelangelo, Da Vinci, and Monet. Name three great philosophers?
Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates. Three great composers? Mozart, Beethoven, and Bach.
None of these great hostorical figures are American. All of them are European. All of
them are white.
You can go anywhere and find Levis, Nikes, Coca Cola, and Big Macs. Westerners have
made the world what it is today. We like to think it's a good thing, but it isn't. We like to
think that we're the smart ones and we're doing everyone else a favor. We go abroad and
teach people who are less ciilized how to live the way we do, eat our food, and worship
our gods. We put ourselves on a pedestal and expect everyone else to look up to us.
We are, after all, America. We're the only nation whose flag doesn't dip at the
Olympics. What does that say? To me, it says that we're better than everyone. We're
on par with the the world as a whole, not merely a part of it. We're the greatest country
ever. We try to act noble. We send aid to foreign countriesin crises. We send military
support to countries with political strife. But we laugh when other nations try to return the
favor, because this is America. This is the land of the free. Our president is the leader of
the Free World, and that Free World is America. You should all thank us for keeping the
world in line.
How did we earn this status? We didn't. We gave it to ourselves and reinforced it with
guns. We think we have the top thinkers, artists, and scientists here. I'm convinced,
though, that the people of Asia are all snickering behind our backs, because they know
how it really is. We discover new cures for diseases. They've known all along. We
invent a language to make computers work. They had it for years. We discover ways of
being more efficient in the workplace. They've been doing it forever. We make great
leaps the the world of physics. They figured it out long ago. They're just sitting around
laughing at the bumbling Americans trying to prove themselves. We pat ourselves on the
back for the most menial breakthroughs, and it turns out they aren't breakthroughs at all.
But we're too high and mighty to acknowledge the fact that someone else got there
before we did. If we could, we'd take things like the wheel and fire off the market and
reintroduce them a year later. Sound stupid? Of course it is. It's also a common
practice.
For years I've enjoyed Twix candy bars. A few years back, there were, like, four different
varieties. Before that, two: regular and peanut butter. They took the peanut butter ones
off the market and waited until everyone forgot. Suddenly, there's commercials for the all
new peanut butter Twix. We have Pizza Hut recycling pizza concepts. All new. We
have KFC with their all new Extra Crispy chicken. I thought that was around for years.
I'm willing to bet that the Chinese have a big warehouse full of knowledge that is common
to them, and every couple years, they let a tidbit leak out so we can pretend we
discovered it. It is, after all, new to us.
That's the great thing about America. When we grow up and go to school, we learn that
Columbus discovered America in 1492. It's all the same thing, though, if you think about
it. All New Continent! Try America! It's a new place to be! Meanwhile, the Indians are
sitting around thinking, "all new? It's been around for years." But that's what happens.
We have a special day on our calender to recognize a guy who travelled in rickety boats
to America. He didn't discover it. He didn't discover the Earth was round either. That
was common knowledge. What did he do? Not much, really. And now, 500+ years
later, we're still pulling the same bullshit.
And another thing. What's with the people who go on vacation to a foreign country, get
arrested for being stupid and trying to smuggle drugs, and expect that saying, "I'm an
American" is going to help them. Yes you have constitutional rights, but they're limited
to the American borders. If you break another country's laws, you pay that country's
price. Constitutional rights stay at home when you leave. And why do you leave
anyway, when all you're going to do is wait until it's time to go back? That's what we do,
you know. It's all about getting done. How long is the movie? Two and a half hours.
That's too long. I want to go in, see the movie, and leave. I want the movie to be over. I
don't want to see the movie. I want to have seen it. I want to have watched the show. I
want to have eaten. That's the whole reason we do anything. We do it so it will be over.
You know I like to customize action figures. It's a hobby. I enjoy it. But I also look
forward to getting them done. Why? So they can sit on my shelf and collect dust? So I
can say, "I made this?" What's the reason? The way I see it, if you enjoy something,
dwell in it. Don't try to finish it so you can say you did it. There's a difference between
bragging rights and enjoyment. Life isn't about having been. It's about being. Be mindful
of the future, but not at the expense of the moment. Smell the roses while you can. Too
many times, we look forward at what is to come, and we forget about what is happening.
To be honest, I'm not looking forward to finishing this post. There are times when I do,
but this time, I'm just enjoying the rambling.
I think Tyler had a point in Fight Club. We're always trying to perfect ourselves. We're
striving for completion. We feel like, somehow, we have to be whole. Why? Once you're
complete, what's the point? When you've done everything you want to do, own everything
you want to own, and become everything you want to become, where do you go from
there? What next? You get into the habit of finishing that you ignore the process. You
hope that one day you'll be complete, and then you can sit back and relax. It's never
going to happen. Once you've gotten into the habit of finishing, it becomes a way of life.
If you ever live to be complete, you won't know what to do with yourself. You have
nothing to finish. It's like a jigsaw puzzle. You struggle over finding all the pieces. You
look and look, and try different part, hoping they work with each oher. Some do, and
others don't. What happens when you get to the end? That is the point, you see,
making a complete picture. When you finish it, though, you just say, "Ok, I'm done,"
tear it apart and put it back into the box. Maybe if you really like it, you'll glue it and
hang it on a wall (or keep it in a closet and forget about it). Either way, you're never
really going to notice it again. The only real appreciation you get out of it is when you're
working on it, but you're too hung up on getting it done that you don't actually take time
to enjoy the process.
It's the same with movies. Not all movies, mind you, just some. Case in point: The
Hurricane, starring Denzel Washington. It's the (somewhat) true story of Rubin
"Hurricane" Carter, a boxer who went to jail for murder because he was (and still is)
black. I liked it better when it was called In the Name of the Father. Anyway, the whole
point of the movie is to generate an emotional response. You see how he's mistreated
and screwed over time and again by the white system, and the alarms go off in your
head. That's not right! They can't do that! You see him turn his life around, and, with the
help of some new friends, get his conviction overturned. Thank God! You know how the
story's going to end before you start watching it. But we like that warm fuzzy feeling we
get at the end of these movies. We like to tell ourselves that we knew what was right,
and we knew the system was wrong, and if we were in charge, it never would have
happened. That's why the movie was mostly true. They made up parts (like when he
speaks to the court) to make us, the viewers, feel for him. It's all about feeling good, and
we'll only feel good when it's over. We don't want to actually watch the move. We want
to have already seen it.
So, today's Mom's birthday. We're hading over there after Tina gets off work. I have to
work again this weekend, but I don't feel like it. Then again, it's only Wednesday, so I
might be in a better mood about it later.
I hunger. I'd stop by a vending machine, but I'm going home soon anyway.