Rules for Renting Movies

I rent plenty of movies, and over the years, I've discovered some rules to keep in mind every time I go to the video store.

• Never rent any movie with the words police and academy in the title.
• Never rent any movie with the number 2 appears at the end of the title if you've never heard of part one.
• The farther removed a sequel is from the original, the worse it will be (unless it's a continuous overall story).
• Never rent any movie with Leslie Nielson if he has white hair.
• Never rent any movie with a title that sounds similar to a popular movie (e.g. Plump Fiction, Silence of the Hams, etc.).
• Be wary of the discriptions on the backs of the boxes. Words like stunning and masterpiece are often confused with words like pretentious and hard to follow.
• Kevin Costner can make any great movie good.
• Basketball players should not act.
• Never rent a movie that never appeared in theaters.
• Most movies released around 1999 that have the word American in the title will feaure Mena Suvari.
• Never rent any movie in which the title is misspelled.
• Great directors don't always make great movies.
• Any movie with a picture of a scantily clad woman on the cover and words like passion and ecstacy in the title is most likely really bad soft-core porn.
• Any movie released by Troma Films is likely to be offensive and gross.
• Never rent any sequel that doesn't feature any of the original actors from the first film.
• Never rent any movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone, and expect it to be great.