This is my favorite Star Trek movie. The title is officially The Final Frontier. Luckily for you personally, I took notes throughout the movie.
There's a planet called Paradise City. It's not the same Paradise City as the Guns 'n' Roses song. In fact, it's Tatooine, only it's not called Tatooine. At Paradise City, there's a Federation representative, Jabba the Klingon, and a Romulan who looks like Paula Abdul with phallic hair. Mullet Vulcan, your villain for the movie, comes along and takes them prisoner. Of course, the new Enterprise comes along to save them, and they have Uhura, who is getting up there in years, dance naked so they can steal horses. I really need to see that. Well, it turns out that Mullet Vulcan has gotten these people to see things his way, so they hijack the shuttlecraft and head for the Enterprise. Of course, they bring Kirk, Spock, and Bones with them.
Then there's another Klingon who hasn't gotten his chance to kill Kirk yet, so he's gonna take care of that today. This guy is obnoxious and has less hair on his chest than Steve.
So, evil Klingon shows up to fight the Enterprise, so the shuttle can't get in because the shields are up. They can't stay out, though, because Kirk is the main character, and he's not allowed to die.So, they opt for plan B. No one knows what Plan B is, but they were prepared for it nonetheless, since when they crash landed into the shuttle bay, the big plastic net caught them. Of course we all know there's no real danger because the bluescreen was so bad. Once they get out of the shuttle, Mullet Vulcan threatens Kirk with a gun. Actually, it's a piece of piping shaped like a gun, and it has no trigger. They get into a fight, and Spock gets the gun somehow. Mullet Vulcan is about to kill Kirk, and Kirk yells at Spock to shoot. Spock, in his infinite wisdom, decides to resolve the conflict at hand by giving Mullet Vulcan the gun. Spock, Kirk, and Bones are immediately arrested. It turns out Mullet Vulcan is Spock's brother. Why he didn't mention this before is beyond me, but it's a bit late for that now. So, they decide to escape, but the handy built in escape route they were used to in the old Enterprise has been replaced with something that keeps prisoners in. A novel but useless idea. Suddenly, they heard a tapping as of someone gently rapping, rapping on the cell wall. Kirk determines that their using Morse Code. Now, let me explain something. It is the year 2000 as I write this. At this point, Morse Code is an obsolete form of communication. Why the hell would someone in the 2300's know it? They might as well have ships telegramming each other.
Well, it turns out that Mullet Vulcan is a scientologist, and he gets people to join him by sharing their deepest pain. Now, this ship has a lot of people on it. Thousands. When Mullet Vulcan comes on over the PA, they all stand still and accept his authority. Did they all share their deepest pain or are they just stupid? Well, the ship now has a new destination. They have to find Shaka Ree. No one ever found it though. This was supposed to be some sort of mythical place, like heaven or something. And there's a great barrier around Shaka Ree that no one ever penetrated. Probably because no one ever found it.
Meanwhile, Scotty blows a big hole in the wall of the brig so our heroic threesome can escape. They find an elevator shaft and start to climb, except for Spock, who somehow has his rocket boots on. You're not supposed to ask. Bones and Kirk grab on, and they all shoot straight up. Now, I don't know what kind of math they use in the future, but the levels they pass are all numbered: 35 - 52 - 64 - 52 - 77. That just isn't right.
Well, Mullet Vulcan catches up with them anyway and starts telling them how Columbus proved the Earth was round, proving that the writers of this movie didn't do any research. Everyone knew the Earth was round by the time Columbus came along. In fact, you could be put to death for saying otherwise. Butt Mullet Vulcan gets his point across, and makes Bones share his deepest pain by reliving his father's death. Dr. McCoy had to pull the plug. How sad. Then it's Spock's turn. We get to witness Spock's birth (and rejection by his father for being human). You see, the planet Vulcan is an advanced society where the women give birth in caves by candlelight.
Back to the plot (and I use the term loosely), they get to the great barrier. Evidently no one ever found it because no one ever looked. The coordinates were 0 - 0 - 0. Yup, it's the center of the universe. Imagine that. So, the Enterprise flies through a big special effect, penetrates the barrier, and sends a shuttle to land on Shaka Ree. Kirk thinks it might be a good idea to bring phasers in case there's anything hostile. Makes sense to me, but not to Mullet Vulcan, whose mullet has mysteriously disappeared. So, Kirk accepts his authority and goes unarmed. Now, here's something that just bothers me. Everyone on the ship is watching what happens on the viewscreen. How are they getting the images? No one brught a camera or anything. Also, someone should be paying attention to other thigs because the Klingon with Troll hair shows up.
Back on the planet, the camera shakes, and a bunch of stones shoot up from the ground to make a sort of stonehenge ribcage (which I affectionately call ribhenge). Trent says it doubles as an amphitheater. Then there's a big pillar of light and God, who looks like an evil Vulcan Santa Claus, shows up. You see, God, being omnipotent and all, needs a starship to carry his wisdom to everyone else. Kirk asks why God needs a starship. God zaps Kirk for questioning him. Then he zaps Spock. Then God takes on the form of Mullet Vulcan and starts acting like Palpatine zapping everyone. So, Mullet Vulcan run up and starts to strangle God. I wonder if it ever occurred to him that you can't strangle God. It doesn't work. Well, the Enterprise decides to interveneand shoot a torpedo at God, which kinda pisses him off. Meanwhile, Spock and Bones get beamed up. God keeps zapping Kirk, and the Klingon ship comes down and shoots some more torpedos at God. I guess God can be killed by torpedoes. You see, what happened was that Jabba the Klingon has a little talk with the other Klingon and then Spock came aboard the Klingon ship and killed God.
Then our heroic threesome go camping and sing Row Row Row your Boat. No, I'm not making this up.