Why do basketball players think they can act? If you'll recall, I already reviewed a movie starring a famous basketball player. This movie, which has Shaquille O'Neal in the title role, was hardly better. While Double Team had Rodman teamed up with Van Damme, tell had Shaq vs. Judd Nelson. Wow. Anyway, this is one of those movies I took notes on, so here we go.
The movie starts off with what looks like one of those Sesame Street documentaries on how to make steel. This goes on for about 10 minutes while the opening credits role and the theme music plays. Whoever composed the theme music needs to be hurt. It sounds like he was going for a cross between John Williams and Isaac Hayes. It doesn't work. Now, I'm not one to pass judgment. Really. I'm not. Ok, at least I wait to see an actor act before I judge. I can honestly say that Shaq has the acting ability of light mayonnaise. Shaq is in the military. He's the tall one. He has a friend called Sparky, and one of his fellow soldiers is Judd Nelson, sinking to a new low. I thought doing Suddenly Susan was bad, but wow. Anyway, Shaq and Judd are not only in the military, they design and test weapons too, but while Shaq is a Safety First kinda guy, Judd feels the need to "push the envelope." Well, wouldn't ya know it, Judd decides to show off the new special effect gun to the visiting senator, and it kills her. It also crushes Sparky's legs. Shaq resigns and Judd gets discharged. I guess the Marines don't concern themselves too much with criminal negligence.
So, Shaq goes home and we're treated to to about 20 minutes of him walking through his old neighborhood, saying hi to his homies and missing free throws. No, I'm not making that up. Shaq gets home and sees his little brother and their grandma who is attempting to make French soul food. Meanwhile, Judd is up to no good. He starts making effects guns for the black market. But he has to test them out. So, he has a gang test them. A kitty watches a large imposing hummer pull up to a bank and a bunch of guys break in and yell, "Show me the money!" There's a big shootout, and the bad guys escape. Shaq is there because the plot needs him to be there, and he chases after one of them. There's a big long sequence with them running around in a train yard, and Shaq finally catches him but gets shot in the back. These guns must not be that great since it did almost no damage.
So, Shaq goes to visit Sparky at the hospital. She must not have been terribly popular because everyone cheered when he took her out. What about discharge papers and all that? I guess it doesn't matter.
Meanwhile, a subplot starts when Judd hires Shaq's little brother to work at his video arcade. The subplot is immediately abandoned.
Shaq and Sparky get together to start building their own weapons to fight back, and they employ the help of Shaft. Can ya dig it? Again, I'm not making this up. Then there's a big dramatic scene where Sparky falls out of her wheelchair but gets back in all by herself! Cut to a montage of everyone working on Shaq's armor. Sparky makes Shaq a big hammer too. It's not any ordinary hammer, though. It's got a few tricks. Okay, it turns into a gun. Shaft likes the hammer. In fact, he even said, "I especially like the shaft." Get it? Anyway, the armor's complete, and now it's time to test it out, and you know what that means: Gratuitous violence! So, for the first time, Shaq becomes Steel.
He's bulletproof!
He's electromagnetic!
He's super strong!
He can jump really far!
He even has a nifty motorcycle!
Well, the incompetant cops don't like competition, so they chase down Steel. Now, since Steel is a law-abiding citizen, he stops at all red lights. Since he doesn't want to get caught, he has Sparky change the lights to green from her home PC. Evidently, there's traffic light controls on the web. So, Steel gets to his hidden junkyard lair safe and sound. Then he tries to throw something in a trash can and misses. Get it? Cuz he's a basketball player who can't shoot? It's at about this point that I found myself relieved that this movie didn't take itself too seriously.
Well, it's time for the plot to resume. The bad guys pull up to a manhole in their imposing hummer of death, cut off the police lines, and break into the federal reserve. Well, Steel shows up and there's a shootout. Eventually the cops show up and the bad guys get away. Judd Nelson (remember him?) is able to trace Steel (becuse of his little earpiece), and lets the cops know where he lives. You see, the cops think Steel is a bad guy because he has the same special effects technology as the bad guys. So, rather than find the bad guys, they decide to try to get the guy in the funny suit, which they do. The SWAT twam shows up at Shaq's house and he is immediately arrested. He's put in a police lineup, and no one can identify him. Actually, a few people can identify him, but they choose not to since he's such a great guy. Sparky puts together a voice manipulation program. Actually, it's just an audio editing program that you can download free. It's called Cool Edit, and it isn't bad. At any rate, Sparky get Shaq out of jail, and Steel is back!
Judd decides, in his infinite wisdom, to auction off his FX guns. He announces it over the Internet, and rather than contact his ISP, they wait for him to announce where the auction will be. Steel goes to stop him, and Sparky gets captured. Then Steel gets captured. Shaft calls the military and almost gets captured. Just when everything is at its bleakest, Sparky starts firing her wheelchair guns, and there's another shootout. Some of the bad guys get away with some of the weapons, but the military copters stop them. Judd throws Steel and his little brother into a makeshift cell. Why his brother was there is beyond me. Alien Voice Over Guy throws a grenade into the cell. Steel picks it up to through it back out, but you know how he is with free throws, so his little brother takes a couple minutes to explain how to shoot one. Steel throws the grenade up, and it dances around a bit until it finally goes through the hole and explodes, finally. Steel escapes, and Judd shoots him with a newer better gun. The shot bounces off Steel's butt and hits Judd.
Then we go back to Shaq's neighborhood. While all this was happening, his grandma had built a French soul food restaurant, hired people to work there, gotten approved by the board of health, advertised, and opened her restaurant, which is called Black and Bleu.
I learned 3 things frome this movie:
1. Basketball players should not act.
2. Top secret military files can be accessed by anyone with an Internet
connection.
3. You can control traffic over the web.