No, not the hit sitcom starring Stacy Keach. Whatever happened to that show, anyway?
Anyway, this movie is based on Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus and stars Anthony Hopkins in the title role (Titus). The movie is very brutal and very erotic. Ok, it wasn't terribly erotic, but it was brutal, and, like Hamlet, it did end in an orgy of blood. I just like the expression orgy of blood. I'm getting sidetracked, though. Here's the story in a nutshell:
Titus Andronicus returns to Rome after leading his army to victory against the Goths. (If only he were around today....) He brings with him Tamora, Queen of the Goths, and her three sons, Dimetrius, ummm, Hank, and Terry. Terry is the eldest, and, in Roman tradition, he must have his limbs lopped off and his entrails set aflame to appease the gods. Naturally, Tamora is opposed to this proposal and pleads for her son's life, to no avail. Also, Rome's emperor is dead, and the senate wants Titus to be the new ruler. The emperor had two sons. The younger son, whose name eludes me, but I'm sure it ends in -us, and the older son, who is pretty much just Alan Cumming playing Commodus from Gladiator (only much angstier) are competing for the throne. The younger son is betrothed to Titus's daughter Lavinia. Titus also has a few sons (let's say three, for the purpose of this review). Got that? Ok, good. So, the senate wants Titus to be the new emperor, but he declines the position and nominates Alan Cumming so that the story can go somewhere. Alan Cumming wants Lavinia to be his wife, but she runs off with the other guy, much to Titus's chagrin, as her duty is to Rome and her emperor. Alan Cumming decides to take Tamora as his bride instead, again, so the story can go somewhere. Tamora plots revenge against Titus. I think the setup is now complete. Let's watch it all go to hell. Wait, there's also a Moor named Aaron, and he's Tamora's secret lover and evil handyman.
Ok, first, Tamora and Aaron go to the woods to make out, so they can be discovered by Lavinia and her now-husband. He threatens to tell Alan Cumming, and the two sons come out of nowhere, kill him, and trow his body down a hole. Then, they take Lavinia, rape the bejeezus out of her, cut out her tongue, and chop off her hands so she can't tell anyone, but she will anyway, by dragging a stick through the sand. Meanwhile, Aaron forges a letter saying that Titus had ordered his sons to kill the husband. Naturally, two of Titus's sons come along and fall into the hole to discover the body. The sons are sentenced to death. So far, Tamora's plan is coming together quite nicely. Titus is very upset, on the other hand, over the upcoming execution of his two sons, and when his brother shows up with his daughter, Titus starts to go a little bit mad. He soon receives word from Aaron the Moor (who's black, by the way) that if Titus sends Alan Cumming his own hand, the sons' lives will be spared, so he lets Aaron lop it off and put it in a Ziploc baggie and take it away. A while later, Titus's hand and the heads of his two sons are delivered to him. And now, it's time for a paragraph break.
To recap, here's what happened: Titus dismembers and disembowels Tamora's son. Tamora kills Titus's son-in-law, has his daughter raped and mangled, has two of his sons killed and his third one banished (which I forgot to mention), and has his hand cut off. Like I said, Titus is going a little mad, but he still has control of his faculties. At some point in here, Tamora has a child who is black, and, therefore, not the son of Alan Cumming, since he is about as white as they come. The sons and Aaron kill anyone who knows about it (namely the midwife and the nun who was there). It has no real bearing on the story. Well, one night, Tamora and the two sons, thinking Titus has gone completely insane, pay him a visit disguised as Revenge, Murder, and Rape. Titus pretends to buy into the whole thing and agreed to have a banquet with Alan Cumming, Tamora, the Senate, and some Goths (who are now being led by Lucius, Titus's banished son) in order to make the peace. It's pretty clear that Tamora's intent is toexact her final revenge. Titus tells her a banquet qould be just dandy, and he invites Murder and Rape (the two sons) to stay at his place to help out a bit. Tamora agrees to that, and everything's settled. Titus takes the two sons prisoner and strings them up in his house. He has his own revenge planned. If you want to know the gruesome orgy of blood ending, highlight the next paragraph.
He grinds their bones and mixes the powder with blood to make a flaky pie crust, which he then fills with their meat. The two son-pies are served at the banquet, and everybody has some, except Titus, of course. Lavinia comes in, and Titus asks Alan Cumming if it was just when some previous Roman emperor killed his daughter when he learned of her rape. Alan Cumming says it was just because the rape brought shame to the family. With that, Titus breaks Lavinia's neck, and she falls to the floor. Alan Cumming, in shock, demands to know what that was all about. Titus tells him that Lavinia, too, had been raped, and by the queen's two sons at that. Alan Cumming asks that they be brought in, so that they could discuss the issue. Titus tells every, mostly Tamora, they're already here. In fact, you're eating them, right now! I made them into this delicious pie, and now you're eating your own flesh and blood! Hazzah!! Then he stabs her in the neck with a knife. Alan Cumming stabs Titus in the chest with a candle holder, and Lucius rams a spoon into Alan Cumming's throat. After all that, Lucius becomes emperor, and Aaron is buried chest-deep in sand and left to die. Well, there are people there, watching, of course, but no one's about to do anything. Aaron's son, I guess, gets raised by Lucius.
The movie was different, but in a good way. The setting was striking. It was set in ancient Rome, but in modern times. It had a dark sense of humor, and I think the director did a really good job in making the characters believable. I dug the movie good.