It was an elegant dinner party and the hostess had left nothing to chance - except that a little water had splashed on the marble floor. When the waiter came into the dining room carrying the beautiful roast suckling pig, he slipped and fell flat, sending the roast flying.
"Don't worry, Charles," said the hostess calmly across the table. "Just take the roast back to the kitchen and bring out the other one."
A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?" "That's when they left."
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., whenshe interrupted him, "I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if that doesn't work, then we'll have to put you to sleep."
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed, "This is Mr. Magillicutty. I need you to bury my wife." "Mr. Magillicutty? Didn't I bury your wife ten years ago," the undertaker asked?
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," replied the undertaker. "Congratulations."
These come from my nephew in Washington state.
There was this gracious lady mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here," asked the postal clerk? "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible... Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd...and that's all I need to know!"
A 5 year old boy was sitting down to eat when his mother asked him to pray for his meal. He replied, "Mom we don't have to. We prayed over this last night." His mother had prepared leftovers from the day before.
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"
CHURCH SIGNS
People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
This is a ch_ _ch. What is missing? --------- (U R)
People want the front of the bus; back of the church and center of attention.
Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.
A little boy walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"
"Yes."
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"
A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother: "Lord, bless Mommy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!"
Mom: "God's not deaf, son."
Boy: "I know, Mom, but Grandma's in the next room, and she's hard of hearing!"
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world- there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."