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Millennial Officespeak
Latest terms to add to your vocabulary:
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Time-honored truths
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
4. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
5. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
6. I doubt, therefore I might be.
7. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
8. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
9. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
10. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. A fool and his money are soon partying.
13. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
14. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
15. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
17. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
18. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
19. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
20. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Theories contest
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on just about any darned thing they wanted to.
Below are the winners.
RUNNER-UP: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
RUNNER-UP: Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
RUNNER-UP: Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
RUNNER-UP: The earth may spin faster on its axis due to
deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND-PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
"Why I don't teach anymore"
Reportedly real answers on a sixth-grade history test.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. The lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
3. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we would not have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
4. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls these people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation
of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
10. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of
a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
11. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
12. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was a very large.
13. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
14. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio.
And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
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