Hi. Please be patient. We are trying to discover if Jim is a boy or a penguin. Or neither.

This tale was first told centuries ago, when the Earth was still flat and life was but a dream. (Please ignore any discrepancies you see.) The legend of Jimmius the Frizzle has been passed on from generation to generation, surviving the trials of time with very little change. Therefore, I must alter the story radically, so the people of modern times will be able to relate to Jimmius and his troubles. (Though the judgment of whether Jim is a boy or a penguin is still pending, we know for certain that Jim is male. I don't know how we know that, so don't ask. There is nothing suspicious at all about this.) Being in favor of portraying Jimmius as a truly modern character, I have changed his name to something hip and trendy. That's right, Jimmius the Frizzle shall henceforth be known as Winnie the Pooh.

Ha! No, of course, I'm kidding. His hip and trendy name will be Brad. No, really, it's actually going to be Jim.

Note: The problem with the name Jim is that it's a very common name, and people might think that I'm writing about a Jim that I know. This is going to be a common misconception because, in the past, most of my characters have been actual existing people. However, the Jim formerly known as Jimmius is definitely a fictional character. Any similarity to real Jims is purely coincidental.

Jim was a boy or a penguin. He attended a seafood culinary arts school, the School of Fish, on Antarctica. It was the only school for miles around, and there were many other students besides Jim. He had many friends, both boys and penguins. So lack of friends was not his problem. Jim's problem was that he had a dream. Well, the dream itself wasn't the problem. The problem was that he couldn't fulfill his dream. Jim dreamed of becoming a world-renowned chef. He wanted to specialize in soups, particularly penguin chowder. Penguin chowder was quite a delicacy on Antarctica. It is not composed of penguins, as you might assume. Instead, it is a delectable broth composed of finely shredded cuttlefish that penguins enjoy. The School of Fish funded its scholarship program by saving the cuttlebones from the cuttlefish. The cuttlebones were dried and made into a powder that was sold to other companies as a polishing agent. (Fact from Microsoft Encarta Encyclopedia 99)

Jim was particularly proficient in shredding the cuttlefish; it was a fine asset for a cook to possess. However, this skill resulted in Jim being the first in his class to finish preparing an assigned dish. Since he always liked to sample his work (penguin chowder especially), the food was usually gone by the time his instructor reached his table. Thus, Jim was in danger of flunking out of the School of Fish. Jim knew that his only chance of becoming a chef depended on the School of Fish because there were no other cooking schools on Antarctica. It was vital that he devise a way of resisting the savory soup, its seductive aroma, and the spicy morsels of cuttlefish. After several hours of considering his problem, Jim arrived at a solution that might work.

Before class the next day, Jim popped some chewing gum in his mouth or beak. He figured that keeping his mouth or beak busy would prevent him from tasting his cooking, and if it did not, the taste of the sugary gum clashing with the more subtle flavor of gourmet cooking would be unpleasant enough to discourage him from further sampling. Chewing gum was against the instructor's rules, but fortunately, the master chef did not notice. Jim managed to last through an active discussion of which beverages were best to serve with which salads, which salads complemented which fish, and which cooking wines brought out the best flavor in shrimp. When the class began preparing crab meat salads, Jim felt his resolve waver. He looked away from the food and chewed resolutely on the gum. Of course, he was supposed to watch what his hands or flippers were doing with the lettuce, so this was a bit of a problem. However, with his knack for cooking, Jim managed to survive the salad preparation without incident.

Unfortunately, as soon as the master chef announced the soup they would be preparing that day, Jim knew he was in trouble. They were to prepare clam chowder, which was one of Jim's favorites. Many of the students had trouble with the amount of clams and potato chunks to include in the soup. The portions were not supposed to be meager, but they couldn't be too lavish either. Jim gathered and prepared his ingredients, quickly stirring them in his pot. When the instructor began making his rounds, Jim spooned some of the chowder into a soup bowl, his hand or flipper trembling slightly. A slinky wisp of steam rose from the bowl and beckoned to Jim like in a food cartoon gone evil.

He tried to ignore the inviting scent wafting from the hot soup by distracting himself. Jim tried mentally spelling his classmates' names backward. He calculated the greatest force by which a 55 kilogram person could stomp on the floor without causing a soufflé to fall. He imagined the entire school performing "A Streetcar Named Desire." It seemed to help. The sugar from Jim's gum, however, was not helping. It was causing him to drool in a most unnatural and excessive way. One of Jim's classmates, an annoying penguin named Shania, noticed that he was slobbering and cried out to the class, "Look! Jim's drooling like a boy or penguin would if he were drooling a lot!" The entire class turned their heads toward him simultaneously. Sure enough, Jim was drooling like a boy or penguin would if he were drooling a lot. The class burst into derisive fits of laughter, and the instructor slapped his knee and gave a hearty "Ho ho ho!" Jim pulled his hairnet over his face in embarrassment.

I'm sure everyone can sympathize with Jim here. Everyone has, at some point, experienced extreme public humiliation, usually at the hands (flippers, actually) of a penguin like Shania. Shania was your basic spoiled little Daddy's penguin. He gave her everything a penguin could desire, from an ice slope for tobogganing to a collection of Fabergé eggs. Fabergé eggs were designed by Russian jeweler Peter Carl Fabergé in the late 19th century. Fabergé's business was ended in 1918 by the Russian Revolution. (Fact from Microsoft Encarta Encyclopedia 99) Of course, a little nepotism never hurt either. Shania had appeared in a number of Mervyn's California commercials, thanks to her father's connections in the advertising industry. Shania had no aspirations to become a chef. She was only at the School of Fish because she had a crush on a boy there. She was Absolutely Certain that he was a boy. So don't get any ideas.

Anyway, Shania wanted to impress her crush, who was very interested in a career as a chef. She wheedled her father into paying her way into the School of Fish (not that it took much wheedling), and he laughed indulgently and said, "Go catch that young ruffian's heart, sweetie! Make your daddy proud!" Shania strode confidently in the School of Fish, even though she couldn't fry an egg if she tried. From her first day forth, she had lovestruck penguin boys following her like a tailgater follows the car in front of it, and they did her every bidding. Of course, Shania made instant enemies of the penguin girls. It didn't help that Shania's cooking was often praised highly by the instructor and held as an example that the rest of the class was supposed to strive to achieve. One will naturally conclude that the lovestruck penguins did Shania's cooking for her, since she not only couldn't fry an egg but couldn't differentiate between vegetable peelers and spatulas, either.

Was Shania a complete blithering idiot? No, she was very intelligent. She was cultured and accustomed to high living, so she could tell the difference between finger bowls and salad forks. She was something of an amateur psychologist and knew how the minds of her classmates worked. Shania could also see quite plainly that her crush, Geordie, was more interested in Jim than in her.

No, Geordie does not prefer the company of males. That was not at all what we were trying to say. It's just that Shania's personality is so poisonous that Jim's company is preferable to hers.