Hello, everyone! Today, I'm going to tell you about PaperPalm. What's PaperPalm, you say? Well, it's a notepad and pencil that come in a silvery, translucent envelope. This is what the description on the envelope reads: "Get back to basics with PaperPalm, the new alternative to the electronic handheld device. With a pencil included, you'll have no trouble using this old-fashioned organizer anytime, anywhere--even during takeoffs and landings." Why they thought this was clever, I'll never know. But just in case you're interested, now I've told you about it. (ISBN 0-811-83143-4, price $4.95)

I have an idea! There should be a Truth In Advertising Day! The basic purpose of this day would be to entertain, so I figure it could be on April Fool's Day or something. All ads and commercials appearing that day must be totally, totally truthful, and they must prominently point out what devices they are using to sell their product, service, or idea. No spin-doctoring allowed. For example:

• Instead of saying "Get 40 tokens for under $20!"...give us the brutal amount: $19.99.
• Instead of saying "FREE!" (with 'after rebate' in tiny letters), say "34 cents, a special form, and 6-8 weeks!"
• Have little pop-up messages on TV commercials pointing out the tricks of the trade: "We're using nostalgic music from the 50's to get everyone to look at this commercial!" Or "I'm dressed in red to seem more dynamic and powerful!" How about "This happy family of towheads fills you with good ol' American spirit!" That last one was stupid. Hmm. "We used African-American and Hispanic spokespersons because that's our target audience!" "Cute children saying cute things equal lots of cute spending!" "Everyone loves doggies!" "Huge groups of teens dancing around in similar clothes is supercool!"

  I'm listening to my parents talking to each other before they go off to sleep. It's...sweet. Like a sleepover. I feel comforted by their presence down the hall.

  If you think I like to make charts and graphs, you are correct. Here is one measuring my progress on my school goals. (It will be further updated as I find out my final grades.)

  To make no average that is lower than a B+.	Objective failed. I got an F in Logic!
  To make no more than two B+ averages.	Objective accomplished. No B+ at all.
  To make at least two A averages.	Objective failed. 1 A, 3 A-'s.
  Hash browns from McD's if I get 5 A's on major grades.	Objective accomplished. Being postponed.
  To see the Harry Potter movie.	Objective accomplished.
  To pretend each paper is due one day in advance.	Objective failed.
  To go through German immersion again.	Status incomplete.
  To attain a relative state of bliss.	Status incomplete.
  To find out what is the deal with that Joel/Santos guy.	Mission ongoing.

  School this semester was just a big mix of things. It was interesting and boring. It was relaxing and stressful. I made good grades and bad grades. I have to say that my grades did improve from those of freshman year. I tried really hard to go to class, and I didn't sleep in the parking lot this semester. It just feels like something's missing, that's all.

  Okay. That's the end of LOSS. Join me next semester for Still A Damn Sophomore--SADS (that's the working name for now).

  Major progress made in finding money for my darling hash browns! (I'm tellin' ya, the trouble I'm going to for all this...they better be GOOD hash browns.) Yeah. My mommy found a dime when she was walking the dog, so she gave that to me. Then, I found some money in parking lots and outside China Bear. And then...some nice person left me $1.00 in change in the kids' section of Waldenbooks! (Plus I found an unrelated penny on the ground.) I'm almost there!

  Ah, my pretty hash browns...soon you will be mine! $1.53 and counting...

  Must have 5 to reach Second Hash Brown Goal: (three)

  Helen