"Specials this week include navel oranges, our freshly-made macaroni salad, and all brand-name cereals! Save even more with our Special Shopper card! Not a member? No problem! Just sign up with any of our sales representatives, and save 10% today. Remember, Pastrami's saves you--big!!" I turned down the volume of my car receiver, but I wasn't fast enough. "Vanilla cherry! Nutty butter! More!" it squawked. I had just driven past an ice cream place. They were too small to be able transmit a longer sound advertisement.

The next thing I heard was a heavy metal stinger. It was followed by a deep voice that drawled, "The veeerrry best for the veeerrry hip. Prrreeesenting the newest high of this age." My curiosity was piqued by this ambiguous ad, so I glanced at the building I was driving past. However, I wasn't surprised to find the gaudy showiness of a virtual reality arcade. I smiled a little to myself. Vague sound ads are a great attention-getter. In fact, they're usually my favorites. I once came across a dry cleaners with the ad: "Float air to left, float water to right, no soaking for you, though it takes all night." That one cracks me up every time.

"Olive Ads. Classy ads for classy fads--don't turn your customers off. Or should we say, don't let your customers turn you off?" Jerked out of my reverie, I looked up at the imposing building in from of me. Ah, Olive Ads Incorporated--otherwise known as my place of employment. I parked my car and trotted up the steps.

"Good morning, Derek," I smiled at the receptionist. "Any messages or reports for me?"

"Helen...let's see." He thumbed through a few folders. "Ah! Here you are."

"Great. Okay, I'm heading for the production studio. Celeste from Vichy Reads is coming in for her presentation session in 20 minutes, so send her to me." I walked into the studio and started up the sound system. Satisfied with the faint hiss coming from the speakers, I logged on to the computer and pulled up the Vichy Reads account.

One of my coworkers breezed through the door. "Helen. You're on the Vichy account. Great. Have you already added the stingers and taggers that she wanted?"

I shook my head. "Celeste wasn't too clear about it. She asked for a classical stinger and harps or piano in the tagger. I could do just about anything with such a general request; plus, I have some recommendations of my own. So I'm going to play the voice portion on one track and let her hear all the combinations I've prepared." I clicked on a play button to test for volume. The room filled with the sound of a single violin playing a meandering tune. "What do you think, Jeremy? It sounds elegant, so I think Celeste would like it. The thing is, Vichy Reads sells used books. I think a more lively stinger would be needed to spark the interest of people driving past."

Jeremy agreed. "That's true. Since about every company uses proximity ad transmissions now, our listeners are desensitized to tamer ads. I'll back you up on a change of direction."

"Hello, dears! I'm ready to hear what you've got for me!" Celeste sashayed into the studio, her cloud of perfume following obediently. I recognized the scent. Lady Legend, fragrance of the ages--tried and true--all will remember you. One of our earliest ads. We ended it with a brass ensemble tagger, full of regal horns blaring.

"Morning, Celeste! I've got a lot for you to decide on, so let's get started." I pointed her to an armchair, and we all plugged headphones into our ears. "First, the voice." I clicked the appropriate file, and a snooty female voice declared, 'Vichy Reads. From a time when books had covers and were printed on creamy paper pages, our fine vintage selections are waiting for your touch to bring them back to life. From Homer's Odyssey to Lee's The Darrel and Bob Story, we stock our store with memories of days gone by."

"Why, that was lovely!" Celeste cooed. "Could you make it slightly less snooty?" I nodded and clicked the LESS button next to 'snooty,' and then, I played the clip again. Celeste nodded thoughtfully. "Hmm. I'm afraid I don't like to use the word 'store.' It's sounds so...so... commercial. I want our customers to think of us as a home, you know, sort of cozy-like."

"Let's just say 'shelves,' then," Jeremy offered. "It sounds more like a library. The focus is on the books and not the business." I changed 'store' to 'shelves' in the voice script.

Celeste continued. "I'm afraid that regardless of all my years at Vichy Reads, I have never heard of The Darrel and Bob Story. Perhaps you could enlighten me?"

I spoke up. "It's a collection of stories by Frank Lee, though Frank Lee is actually just a pseudonym. Not much is known about the actual author of the stories, but they were written in the late 20th century and published posthumously. If you don't have it at Vichy Reads, I would definitely recommend it. It's an obscure book, but it has a growing group of devoted fans. We included it in the ad to show that you have a diverse selection in your store."

Celeste clapped her hands. "Wonderful! We'll get on that right away!" She snapped at a device on her wrist. "Steven! Va-va-va-voom Frank Lee's The Darrel and Bob Story immediately." She paused. "Of course you've never heard of it! You just haven't got enough class, that's all. There's a good boy. Thank you." She turned back to Jeremy and me. "Now, about the word 'vintage.' I'm not sure I like it. There's just something distasteful about it."

Jeremy and I looked at each other. "We thought of 'used' and 'secondhand,' but they didn't give the same impression," Jeremy told her.

"Wait!" I shouted, struck with inspiration. "Let's use 'pre-owned!' That's got a certain air to it." Celeste mulled it over, finally giving her assent. I made the change.

"There was something else I wanted to bring up," Celeste began. "Vichy Reads would also like to do a visual ad. Can you take that on, or refer me to an agency that could?"

"Do you mean a television ad, or a weekly advertising ad?" I wanted to know.

"A weekly. Ever since newspaper ads and catalogs were phased out to save paper, we haven't been able to reach our customers in their homes. I have to admit, the owner of Vichy is a technophobe, and I had a tough time lobbying for this proximity ad transmission. I finally got permission, though. So what equipment do we need to install for this to work?"

Jeremy opened a cabinet full of demonstration models. "Weeklies are broadcasted worldwide by a single network, so you don't have to worry about those. The proximity ad transmitters, or PATs, are satellite dishes like these; they transmit a weak signal to car receivers. Maybe you've heard the slogan, 'Ads in your life with a PAT on your back?' The PAT will be programmed so that depending on how closely a car drives by your ad will change length so that the most important parts will be heard. For instance, if the vehicle is about 50 feet away when it passes, the passenger will hear something like "Vichy Reads! Pre-owned Books!" before he or she moves into the range of another store. Naturally, that's assuming these drivers have their receivers tuned to the ad frequency and not to radio stations."

Celeste chuckled. "Oh yes! I do that myself, most of the time. It's certainly a quick way to window shop! Then, for my regular shopping, I usually use my visual ad receiver and filter out everything except clothing and grocery categories. Terrific, terrific technology!" She glanced at the clock on the wall. "Dear me! I'm terribly sorry, sweeties, but Steven needs me back at the store right now! It's almost time for the lunch hour rush. I'll have to approve the rest of the ad at my next session! I'll talk to your receptionist. Ta-ta!!" Celeste whisked out the door.

I grinned at Jeremy. "Well, ol' buddy. Another one sucked into the marketing abyss."