91 WAYS TO ORDER A PIZZA
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN and PUCE.
11. Ask for a deal available someone else. (e.g. IF phoning Domino's ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 12. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
13. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
14. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
15. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask you would you like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
16. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
17. Make a list of exotic cuisine's. Order them as toppings.
18. Change your accent every 3 seconds.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.
21. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
22. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets"CD.
23. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
24. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread".
25. Stutter on the letter "p".
26. Play Mary had a Little Lamb and Hot Cross Buns with the phone, and ask the order taker to stop
Pause where there are spaces.
Mary had a little lamb 3-2-1-2 3-3-3 2-2-2 3-3-3 3-2-1-2 3-3-3-3 2-2 3-3 1
Hot cross buns 3-2-1 3-2-1 3-3-3-3 2-2-2-2 3-2-1
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK That'll be $10.99; Please pull up to the next window".
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken not stirred".
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so it is! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact,
(Pizza Place), start to cry and ask "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top
of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order takers voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh you mean now".
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,"This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
55. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
56. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
57. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
58. Engage in some serious swapping.
59. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
60. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
61. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
62. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
63. Order a steamed pizza.
64. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
65. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker...
66. ...Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
67. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
68. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
69. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
70. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
71. Put them on hold.
72. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
73. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
74. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
75. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
76. When you’re given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. " I hate math."
77. Haggle.
78. Order a one-inch pizza.
79. Order term life insurance.
80. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
81. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
82. Order Chinese food.
83. Call just to find out what the weather will be like the next day.
84. When asked for your phone number, give them theirs.
85. SHOUT, whisper, SHOUT, whisper (i.e. I would LIKE a MEDIUM peperoni PIZZA)
86. Hack and cough after every three words.
87. When they pick up say "That's it! I'm calling the police."
88. Breath heavily into the mouth piece, one word every 2 breaths.
89. Place a very complicated order, then say "This is (another pizza place's name), right?" When he says "No", say "Oh, nevermind then." And hang up.
90. Have someone yelling different toppings from across the room, scratch the order every so often. i.e.
You- "topping, topping"
Other person- "NO!! topping"
You- "Scratch that. Topping, topping."
Other person- "NO! I can't eat that! topping"
You- "Wait, I guess not. topping, topping."
91. Call in and say "I love green peppers, but I can't eat them because..." Make up some sickness or reasons why you can't eat green peppers. Then, explain in
detail what happened last time you have them. (barfed out guts, almost died, was rushed to the hospital etc. etc.)
