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50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT A MALL





  • 1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
  • 2.Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
  • 3.Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
  • 4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
  • 5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
  • 6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
  • 7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
  • 8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
  • 9....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
  • 10.Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
  • 11.Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
  • 12.Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
  • 13.Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
  • 14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
  • 15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.
  • 16.Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
  • 17.If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
  • 18.Sprint up the down escalator. 1
  • 9.Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
  • 20.Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
  • 21.Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
  • 22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
  • 23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
  • 24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
  • 25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
  • 26.Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
  • 27.Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
  • 28.Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
  • 29.In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
  • 30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
  • 31.Play the tuba for change.
  • 32.Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
  • 33.Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
  • 34.Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
  • 35.Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
  • 36."Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
  • 37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
  • 38.Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
  • 39.Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
  • 40.Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
  • 41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
  • 42."Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
  • 43.Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
  • 44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
  • 45.If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
  • 46.Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
  • 47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
  • 48.At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
  • 49.Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
  • 50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.