1:00 A.M.: SATURDAY. Alarm clock rings

2:00 A.M.: Hunting partners arrive and drag you out of bed.

3:00 A.M.: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 A.M.: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 A.M.: Drive like crazy to get to woods before daylight.

4:00 A.M.: Set up camp...forgot stupid tent.

4:30 A.M.: Head into woods, climb tree, get in stand.

5:15 A.M.: Take first shot of antifreeze.

5:20 A.M.: Attempt to light cigarette with wet match.

5:31 A.M.: Walk back to pickup to use cigarette lighter.

6:00 A.M.: Back in tree--second shot of antifreeze.

6:05 A.M.: Spot eight deer while lighting second cigarette from butt of first cigarette.

6:06 A.M.: Drop cigarette, take aim through scope and squeeze trigger.

6:06-6:08: "CLICK"

6:07 A.M.: Load gun whole watching eight deer disappear over hill.

8:00 A.M.: Head back to camp for breakfast.

9:00 A.M.: Still looking for camp. Recognize tree you climbed out of an hour earlier.

9:12 A.M.: Try again to light cigarette with wet match.

9:14 A.M.: Rub two sticks together in vain attempt to start fire. Realize why you never advanced beyond rank of Tenderfoot in Boy/Girl Scouts.

10:00 A.M.: Face the fact that you don't know where you are.

NOON: Fire gun repeatedly for help. Eat wild berries for lunch.

12:15 P.M.: The eight deer come back...CLICK...All out of bullets.

12:20 P.M.: Strange feeling in stomach.

12:30 P.M.: Realize you ate poisen berries for lunch.

12:45 P.M.: RESCUED.

12:55 P.M.: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped out.

3:00 P.M.: Arrive back in camp.

3:30 P.M.: Leave camp and walk back to deer stand.

4:00 P.M.: Walk back to camp for bullets.

4:01 P.M.: Load gun and leave camp again.

5:00 P.M.: Empty gun on squirrel that's been bugging you.

6:00 P.M.: Arrive back at camp...see deer grazing in camp.

6:01 P.M.: Load gun.

6:01:13: Fire gun.

6:02 P.M.: One dead pickup truck

6:05 P.M.: Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer with 13-point rack you missed at 6:02 P.M.

6:06 P.M.: Suppress strong desire to shoot hunting partner.

6:07 P.M.: Stumble over hunting partner's deer and fall into campfire.

6:15 P.M.: Take pickup--leave hunting partner and his deer in woods.

6:25 P.M.: Radiator boils over due to hole shot in motor block.

6:26 P.M.: Start walking.

6:30 P.M.: Trip over stump, stumble and fall. Drop gun in mud. Retrieve it and keep walking.

6:35 P.M.: Meet bear head-on.

6:35:01: Aim and fire at bear. Blow up gun barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:35:04: Messed up pants.

6:35:08: Cast gun down and climb up nearby tree.

9:05 P.M.: Bear departs. Climb down out of tree. Retrieve gun and wrap around tree. Start walking.

MIDNIGHT: Home at last. Light cigarette with dry match and pour third shot (double) of antifreeze.

1:00 P.M.: SUNDAY. Watch football on TV while slowly tearing hunting license in little pieces.
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